Do Aspie Men get bored of people and girlfriends?

[Fridgemagnetman]

He sounds rather passive aggressive and immature. This may have a bit to do with his autism, but not entirely. I don't think you'll be able to have a satisfying relationship with him unless the communication issues are worked on, which means both of you will have to be willing to listen to each other and understand how you both feel.

Honestly , I don't think you get it.

If only God the gift to give us, can see ourselves as other see us.

Applies to both of you.

Do what you need to do, think what you need to think,
Before you move on.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Honestly , I don't think you get it.

If only God the gift to give us, can see ourselves as other see us.

Applies to both of you.

Do what you need to do, think what you need to think,
Before you move on.

I'm confused.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Honestly , I don't think you get it.

If only God the gift to give us, can see ourselves as other see us.

Applies to both of you.

Do what you need to do, think what you need to think,
Before you move on.

From how I see the situation, he hasn't been communicating his needs to her and is getting mad for her not fulfilling those needs. Instead of coming to her and telling her about it, he is ignoring her and being all weird about it. That's the epitome of passive aggressiveness and it shows an inability to deal with conflict. That might not be something he is consciously doing, but it is something he needs to work on if he wants a relationship with someone.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

From how I see the situation, he hasn't been communicating his needs to her and is getting mad for her not fulfilling those needs. Instead of coming to her and telling her about it, he is ignoring her and being all weird about it. That's the epitome of passive aggressiveness and it shows an inability to deal with conflict. That might not be something he is consciously doing, but it is something he needs to work on if he wants a relationship with someone.

If you're ASD that may not be correct.

Hence my comment.

 

[SunnyDay16]

If you're ASD that may not be correct.

Hence my comment.

I understand that he does have ASD and that people with ASD may have a harder time with conflict resolution (I definitely used to), but it is a basic social skill needed for many things. I had a friend on the spectrum too who was just like that. She didn't directly tell me what I did to bother her and would act all weird about it, yet whenever I tried to communicate with her my feelings she would tell me I was "bullying" her and such. This hurt our friendship because I didn't always know what she wanted from it and she couldn't handle basic conflict.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

understand that he does have ASD and that people with ASD may have a harder time with conflict resolution (I definitely used to)

You used to?

Your point about conflict resolution is an additional,separate point to the one I was making.

 

[SunnyDay16]

You used to?

Your point about conflict resolution is an additional,separate point to the one I was making.

I didn't understand the point then.

 

[Savvy]

I wholeheartedly agree....

 

[Savvy]

Wholeheartedly agree....to your previous comment Sunnyday re; immature. passive agressive, and communication skills need to be worked on

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Wholeheartedly agree....to your previous comment Sunnyday re; immature. passive agressive, and communication skills need to be worked on

And understanding on your part.

ASD

 

[AO1501]

From how I see the situation, he hasn't been communicating his needs to her and is getting mad for her not fulfilling those needs. Instead of coming to her and telling her about it, he is ignoring her and being all weird about it. That's the epitome of passive aggressiveness and it shows an inability to deal with conflict. That might not be something he is consciously doing, but it is something he needs to work on if he wants a relationship with someone.

This is quite odd, because his behaviours are pretty typical Aspie in a failing relationship. I can't see how, as an Aspie, he could act any other way than he is built to act, regardless of how others might perceive it. And categorising it as 'passive-agressiveness' is, I think, about as far off the mark as it is possible to be. Clearly you perceive it as that, but it doesn't mean that it is that.

...but it is a basic social skill needed for many things....

Just as a reminder, Aspies typically lack social skills. It's a basic part of the problem and we generally find it very hard, or even impossible, to learn them.

 

[SunnyDay16]

This is quite odd, because his behaviours are pretty typical Aspie in a failing relationship. I can't see how, as an Aspie, he could act any other way than he is built to act, regardless of how others might perceive it. And categorising it as 'passive-agressiveness' is, I think, about as far off the mark as it is possible to be. Clearly you perceive it as that, but it doesn't mean that it is that.



Just as a reminder, Aspies typically lack social skills. It's a basic part of the problem and we generally find it very hard, or even impossible, to learn them.

I disagree on the idea that Aspies can't work on their social skills. I can't generalize everyone obviously, but I think for any relationship to work it takes compromise on both ends and work.

Also I think most people, not just me, would categorize it as passive aggressiveness. Ignoring someone and leaving people hanging if you are angry or upset with someone instead of addressing it with that person is what passive aggressiveness is. It's not a matter of perceiving, it's what the definition of passive aggressiveness is. It doesn't make him a bad person (I don't know him personally), but it does mean that he seems to have a hard time handling normal conflict. If he can't communicate his needs in a mature fashion, how will she be able to understand and adapt to his needs?

 

[AO1501]

I disagree on the idea that Aspies can't work on their social skills. I can't generalize everyone obviously, but I think for any relationship to work it takes compromise on both ends and work.

Also I think most people, not just me, would categorize it as passive aggressiveness. Ignoring someone and leaving people hanging if you are angry or upset with someone instead of addressing it with that person is what passive aggressiveness is. It's not a matter of perceiving, it's what the definition of passive aggressiveness is. It doesn't make him a bad person (I don't know him personally), but it does mean that he seems to have a hard time handling normal conflict. If he can't communicate his needs in a mature fashion, how will she be able to understand and adapt to his needs?

OK, then.

That we don't get social skills is a fundamental part of the base diagnosis, and whether we can work on them or not (I tried, and failed, and I suspect many have been in the same boat) has little or nothing to do with whether an Aspie can make a relationship work - or participate in a working and healthy relationship. Social skills are not the same as relationship skills.

How you categorise someone's behaviour is really quite irrelevant, except to you of course. What actually causes that behaviour is absolutely the point. In this case, your judgement of it matters little, but the root cause, that the person concerned is on the autism spectrum, is absolutely key in understanding that behaviour and reaching a coherent and useful judgement of it.

The reason for the distinction is that if a behaviour is unacceptable or unhelpful, only by understanding the actual cause can someone be helped. Judging it otherwise is a cheap shot that gets nobody anywhere at all.

 

[Tom]

No more or less then NT men.

 

[SunnyDay16]

OK, then.

That we don't get social skills is a fundamental part of the base diagnosis, and whether we can work on them or not (I tried, and failed, and I suspect many have been in the same boat) has little or nothing to do with whether an Aspie can make a relationship work - or participate in a working and healthy relationship. Social skills are not the same as relationship skills.

How you categorise someone's behaviour is really quite irrelevant, except to you of course. What actually causes that behaviour is absolutely the point. In this case, your judgement of it matters little, but the root cause, that the person concerned is on the autism spectrum, is absolutely key in understanding that behaviour and reaching a coherent and useful judgement of it.

The reason for the distinction is that if a behaviour is unacceptable or unhelpful, only by understanding the actual cause can someone be helped. Judging it otherwise is a cheap shot that gets nobody anywhere at all.

I don't think I agree with the first part. For me personally, my relationships have benefitted from improving my social skills. I don't see how they couldn't ever intertwine with each other.

I feel it is relevant because it's affecting his relationship with her. She isn't really understanding him and his passive aggressiveness is not helping that. His Asperger's can only explain so much.

 

[MrSpock]

I'm thinking that you should probably move on, however it seems you wish some sort of understanding. I wasn't there, but can see how if I had been in his shoes the following might well apply.

on our last date he told me he was cold and I still wanted to sit outside, not true all I said was ‘actually it’s not that cold’ hoping to sway him..

You've been together for over two years. It's likely that he's told you more than once that he's not good with hints and non-verbal communication. In the above quote you yourself admit to trying to sway him without directly saying so, you've indirectly contradicted him and left him to guess at your meaning. Maybe most people would know your intent, however he's unable to read the non-verbal things that others take for granted and which are an integral part of your communication we are BLIND to. If you communicate like this regularly he has been struggling constantly to keep himself only half in the dark, instead of you going to the effort of saying exactly what you mean.

"...hoping to sway him..." sounds like you did indeed still want to sit outside to me. Maybe not much, maybe you were checking to see if you wanted to sit outside more than he wanted to go inside. If you're going to insist on using hints in spite of the warnings, you have to expect the message to get misinterpreted most of the time. YOU have to be willing to deal with this and realize that you've allowed it to happen by ignoring him. Yes, we are more work than most people, but we're already working hard to meet you more than halfway, you simply take it for granted because with other NTs that work is already accomplished by you already having hard-wiring in common. A little effort on your part, saying what you mean, can really reduce our workload and therefore allow us to put effort into a different part of communication - the sending and receiving of ideas. You've been making him focus on the interpretation, protection, reconstruction, maintenance etc. of ideas in transit, if you will.

From our point of view it's a relatively easy thing to simply say what we mean, and each time you don't you not only make us do a lot of work on that particular sentence (if we even know), you also oblige us to look for hints in everything you say because we don't know when you're hinting and when you're not. You must expect us to misinterpret many things now, although we've asked you not to put us in this situation. Over two years, and you're still putting him in that situation. It seems normal that in these relationships the aspie works like hell and the NT doesn't ever realise the extent of the gap and how much of it is covered by the aspie. When you do a quarter of the work you feel as though it's a lot, and we should thank you for it while you go back to letting us do all of the work again. You tried for an hour, and want a cookie now.

Does that sound bitter? Maybe a bit. But I will still be willing to do most of the work in my next attempt at romance. That's how life is for us, and to a large extent we have to simply accept that if we're to have friends and lovers. I don't mean to sound bitter, and perhaps he's not. But I think that if I'm not willing to sound a bit negative the message simply isn't going to get across. It's not a nice message, not a nice truth that we face.

 

[AO1501]

I don't think I agree with the first part. For me personally, my relationships have benefitted from improving my social skills. I don't see how they couldn't ever intertwine with each other.

I feel it is relevant because it's affecting his relationship with her. She isn't really understanding him and his passive aggressiveness is not helping that. His Asperger's can only explain so much.

My relationships have never been based on social skills, because I have never had any social skills to offer. That doesn't mean I am unable to provide my partner with love, support, my care and total loyalty, or that I am not capable of understanding her needs. If in doubt I ask. That seems to work quite well.

Again, how you judge his behaviour is totally irrelevant, despite the fact you continue to label it as you do. That is your interpretation of his behaviour and I get why you describe it that way, but it doesn't mean that you are right. And given that his Asperger's is actually his neurology, it is hard to see how that can 'only explain so much'.

That isn't to say that he may not have fundamentally petulant behaviours for example, or anger issues, or be prone to depressions, or any number of possible disorders, but they are still founded on his neurology.

 

[SunnyDay16]

My relationships have never been based on social skills, because I have never had any social skills to offer. That doesn't mean I am unable to provide my partner with love, support, my care and total loyalty, or that I am not capable of understanding her needs. If in doubt I ask. That seems to work quite well.

Again, how you judge his behaviour is totally irrelevant, despite the fact you continue to label it as you do. That is your interpretation of his behaviour and I get why you describe it that way, but it doesn't mean that you are right. And given that his Asperger's is actually his neurology, it is hard to see how that can 'only explain so much'.

That isn't to say that he may not have fundamentally petulant behaviours for example, or anger issues, or be prone to depressions, or any number of possible disorders, but they are still founded on his neurology.

I am only talking about his relationship with her. Clearly, it's not working out because of the obvious communication issues.

Everyone with Asperger's is different and we all have different behaviors that stress us out or cause us to shut down. Thus, only he knows how it affects him best, and if he can't communicate those clearly to her I don't see how it would help their relationship. That's all I'm saying. I do think you have a good point, that his neurology does have a lot to do with it, and I agree with that. But what I'm saying is that if he isn't willing to discuss this with her in an adult fashion (not ignoring her or making indirect remarks), then it's going to be hard to have a good relationship because this is a relationship between two people with different neurology types.

I didn't mean to make it seem like I was personally attacking you or your relationship or anything. Obviously I think it's great that you are able to have a fulfilling relationship. I am sorry for making it seem that you weren't and I feel like I should have worded my statements better.

 

[AO1501]

I am only talking about his relationship with her. Clearly, it's not working out because of the obvious communication issues.

Everyone with Asperger's is different and we all have different behaviors that stress us out or cause us to shut down. Thus, only he knows how it affects him best, and if he can't communicate those clearly to her I don't see how it would help their relationship. That's all I'm saying. I do think you have a good point, that his neurology does have a lot to do with it, and I agree with that. But what I'm saying is that if he isn't willing to discuss this with her in an adult fashion (not ignoring her or making indirect remarks), then it's going to be hard to have a good relationship because this is a relationship between two people with different neurology types.

I didn't mean to make it seem like I was personally attacking you or your relationship or anything. Obviously I think it's great that you are able to have a fulfilling relationship. I am sorry for making it seem that you weren't and I feel like I should have worded my statements better.

I don't disagree with any of the above at all - just the previous characterisation of his behaviour. You are absolutely right in saying that communicating within a relationship is important, particularly when things are not going well. A communication failure on one or both sides spells tremendous difficulty.

And, no, I didn't take your comments as an attack on me or my relationship, so no worries. I only used my own relationship as an example of how it is possible (thankfully!) to flourish without social skills.

 

[MrSpock]

@SunnyDay16 and @AO1501 I believe you're not on the same page. Are you both treating 'social skills' as including 'communication skills' or not, and are 'communication skills' part of 'relationship skills' or not? That seems to be a source of some confusion to me.

What a relationship is based on and what factors affect it may be taken as different lists, this seems to have caused some confusion too. Communication enters into any relationship, but need not be a 'strength on which the relationship is based.'

Clearly communication issues are involved, however it's certainly not clear where the fault may be legitimately said to lie. We all begin life with communication issues, we're born without language. We must all learn to communicate with others, usually NTs get to communicate with each other, aspies have to communicate with NTs. She has plainly shown that she has hinted and been displeased with the results and seems to hold him responsible. In a society dominated by people who don't hint her insistence on this might be regarded as childish behaviour. I'm not calling her childish, but I could only reasonably suppose otherwise if she has completely failed to see the big picture and therefore not addressed it, leaving him to do a lot of work that she's unaware of. I believe that AO1501 was making this point, SunnyDay16 was failing to grasp it.

I may be wrong, thought a mediator might have been in order. If not I apologize.