Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Jonn]

It doesn't mean that one should immediately jump into bed with them as lust & want doesn't automatically mean compatible. I met a lady a while back when I was a blubbing mess after a long relationship failed. We could have but didn't, we are good friends to this day & this fact surprised everyone that we hadn't gotten close. We had many chances but something in both of us was not quite right for us. Getting older is strange but I do like the perspective shift it brings.

Life is more than lust/sex.
Well, I think it is.

A bit hard to keep this in mind when you are young and the evolutionary process has pumped an inordinate amount of sex hormones into your system. To a large degree, we are slaves to our biology and it is only when the hormones settle down that we have a greater chance to transcend our instinctual directives.

 

[Jonn]

Yes to the intangible question. I feel like it's out of my reach. Outside of my life. There's nothing I've been able to do to make it happen. Men are not into me, so it's not something I can ever imagine happening now. It's not a part of my existence and never has been.

I've managed to find a handful of female friends in the same boat. Men don't fancy them either. So we are never any of us in relationships, apart from one who had a boyfriend for a while, but he was horrible to her.

It's not even a part of my friends lives, so yes, relationships are very abstract and fiction-like to me.

Q: Why do people get lonely?
A: Because the evolutionary process "discovered" that there is more chance in disseminating genetic coding if humans clustered together for protection and reproduction purposes.

Q: Why is there a tendency for humans to partner up?
A: There is a greater chance for the survival of the offspring if there are any.

Q: What if there aren't any offspring involved, or there is no potential for that in the future?
A: People still have their instinctual/biological needs to address, and that usually means searching for a partner to help satisfy those needs.

People can transcend their instinctual needs, especially when their hormone/chemical levels are mitigated.

Just my view of life.

 

[Aspychata]

i looked up that people who are in the asd range are often mistaken for the wrong sexuality. i also have been bullied many times for being "lesbian" when i was not. i have had many women and men try to tell me i am a lesbian or even groom me to try to swing with them. i even had a boyfriend who bullied me to try to push me to "admitting" i was gay. I have tried to find comfort in people who are like me, that is hurt people, but they end up assaulting me.

i think its harder for men in the sense that men have to do the pursuit, but i feel like with your stories you shared i can relate to you.

I get bullied because l don't want to date, so therefore l am told l must be a lesbian. I dated in my 20's. That was enough. I resent that society feels it has to push me on a man "to feel safer". I lived with a man. I felt extremely unsafe.

 

[unperson]

Another idea for aut- guys....where im staying is a farm stay, very horsey area, they agist them here - wife is horsey, husband is very probably aspergers, so it kinda works, ' the horse gets more attention than i do' is a common statement from guys married to horsey gals, so ya get plenty of space and alone time!

 

[unperson]

i looked up that people who are in the asd range are often mistaken for the wrong sexuality. i also have been bullied many times for being "lesbian" when i was not. i have had many women and men try to tell me i am a lesbian or even groom me to try to swing with them. i even had a boyfriend who bullied me to try to push me to "admitting" i was gay. I have tried to find comfort in people who are like me, that is hurt people, but they end up assaulting me.

i think its harder for men in the sense that men have to do the pursuit, but i feel like with your stories you shared i can relate to you.

Also had heavy recruitment from lesbians, racists, swingers etc, bleh. My dopey family let me know it was ok with them if I was attracted to women - one of the few times they ever made me laugh.

 

[Jonn]

I get bullied because l don't want to date, so therefore l am told l must be a lesbian. I dated in my 20's. That was enough. I resent that society feels it has to push me on a man "to feel safer". I lived with a man. I felt extremely unsafe.

May I ask why you are so much in demand?
Not all women are "hunted" the way you seem to be.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Q: Why do people get lonely?
A: Because the evolutionary process "discovered" that there is more chance in disseminating genetic coding if humans clustered together for protection and reproduction purposes.

Q: Why is there a tendency for humans to partner up?
A: There is a greater chance for the survival of the offspring if there are any.

Q: What if there aren't any offspring involved, or there is no potential for that in the future?
A: People still have their instinctual/biological needs to address, and that usually means searching for a partner to help satisfy those needs.

People can transcend their instinctual needs, especially when their hormone/chemical levels are mitigated.

Just my view of life.

Did you mean to quote me? Your list doesn't seem to have anything to do with what I said, interesting as it is.

I know plenty of people who are happy on their own.

 

[Magna]

Another idea for aut- guys....where im staying is a farm stay, very horsey area, they agist them here - wife is horsey, husband is very probably aspergers, so it kinda works, ' the horse gets more attention than i do' is a common statement from guys married to horsey gals, so ya get plenty of space and alone time!

It reminds me of this song from Jonathan Richman called Since She Started To Ride.

"Horses, humans if she had to rank it
you'd bet on they that canter
and them that need fly spray."

 

[Magna]

Life is more than lust/sex.
Well, I think it is.

A bit hard to keep this in mind when you are young and the evolutionary process has pumped an inordinate amount of sex hormones into your system. To a large degree, we are slaves to our biology and it is only when the hormones settle down that we have a greater chance to transcend our instinctual directives.

I agree with this. It's incredible how powerful the drive is in youth to the point of being all encompassing. The calm and freedom to enjoy life that age brings is something to appreciate.

 

[unperson]

Ha, good song and so true.

It reminds me of this song from Jonathan Richman called Since She Started To Ride.

"Horses, humans if she had to rank it
you'd bet on they that canter
and them that need fly spray."

 

[Moonhart44]

Yes to the intangible question. I feel like it's out of my reach. Outside of my life. There's nothing I've been able to do to make it happen. Men are not into me, so it's not something I can ever imagine happening now. It's not a part of my existence and never has been.

I've managed to find a handful of female friends in the same boat. Men don't fancy them either. So we are never any of us in relationships, apart from one who had a boyfriend for a while, but he was horrible to her.

It's not even a part of my friends lives, so yes, relationships are very abstract and fiction-like to me.

yeh relationships seem fictional. sometimes i even get bitter about disney films because i cant relate to the romance part about it. I had a friend and we were close but i "broke up" with her because she kept putting men in front of me. i would do a lot of things for her even if i had a partner, but the moment a man was interestd in her she would leave me in the dust. Right now im in the search for new friends. My dude finally broke up with me. but said, "we are on pause". that makes me sad, admittedly that things cant be as simple as a disney cartoon in that regard.

 

[Moonhart44]

Moral of the story: Stay away from NTs.

Have you had any of these problems with people on the spectrum?
Yes, I have met some nasty aspies also, but I believe it is a lot less common to be treated like that by auties who are enlightened about autism.

before my diagnoses journey i guess i met another autistic woman. she also figured out recently. but she ghosted me once she realized she couldnt get anything else out of me (we used to work together, she an intern, but i was her superior and give her help when she was the target of bullying). i have met other autisitc people in retrospect, like i think i am naturally drawn to non NT people, but i see this strong habit of getting taken advantage of, people being obsessive over me (men and women, for platonic and romatic relationships), and more often than not they ghost me. I feel that i must be overbearing, or make myself too available, because i try really hard not to bother people through social media and try really hard to not be a bother, and thats why i feel that i am taken for granted, because i feel that people should care about people they care about haha, and other people feel they should go out for all they can steal.

 

[Moonhart44]

I get bullied because l don't want to date, so therefore l am told l must be a lesbian. I dated in my 20's. That was enough. I resent that society feels it has to push me on a man "to feel safer". I lived with a man. I felt extremely unsafe.

i feel like girls (clients and coworkers) ask me if i have children and why i dont have children. i hear people speak through jealousy thinking if they looked like me things will be easier for them. well its not. these same people who are jealous or feel shame because of me should not. they happen to be married or in relationships. i hear their fone conversations and they are happy i see their body language and theyre relaxed, emotional status to which i never related. they believe that their partners have the mental capacity to bear children and their partners believe in them. i dont experience this kind of trust in my partners. People have told me to my face that im not worthy enough, for a friend or a lover. this has some obvious ramifications in terms of my self esteem. I know i am in my 20s, but i have been feeling this since i was very young. my mother even tells me how lonely and desperate for friends i was as a child. I feel now in my 20s im realizing this isnt just in my head, its not just a phase and its a forever thing, and the only thing i can do, is "get over it". so right now im feeling, overwhelmed.

 

[Aspychata]

Think l struggled with those types of feelings as a younger person. Think as you age, your personality will be more formed and you will believe in yourself more. You are still developing, growing and becoming you. Don't write yourself off. Go out and follow passions, do what motivates you career-wise. As we age, looks are nice, but who the person is inside is really important.

 

[Jonn]

before my diagnoses journey i guess i met another autistic woman. she also figured out recently. but she ghosted me once she realized she couldnt get anything else out of me (we used to work together, she an intern, but i was her superior and give her help when she was the target of bullying). i have met other autisitc people in retrospect, like i think i am naturally drawn to non NT people, but i see this strong habit of getting taken advantage of, people being obsessive over me (men and women, for platonic and romatic relationships), and more often than not they ghost me. I feel that i must be overbearing, or make myself too available, because i try really hard not to bother people through social media and try really hard to not be a bother, and thats why i feel that i am taken for granted, because i feel that people should care about people they care about haha, and other people feel they should go out for all they can steal.

All I can say is that I get on with my own kind better than NTs.
But I am talking about online people.

I used to have an aspie friend in RL, but we have a personality conflict.

 

[Jonn]

i feel like girls (clients and coworkers) ask me if i have children and why i dont have children. i hear people speak through jealousy thinking if they looked like me things will be easier for them. well its not. these same people who are jealous or feel shame because of me should not. they happen to be married or in relationships. i hear their fone conversations and they are happy i see their body language and theyre relaxed, emotional status to which i never related. they believe that their partners have the mental capacity to bear children and their partners believe in them. i dont experience this kind of trust in my partners. People have told me to my face that im not worthy enough, for a friend or a lover. this has some obvious ramifications in terms of my self esteem. I know i am in my 20s, but i have been feeling this since i was very young. my mother even tells me how lonely and desperate for friends i was as a child. I feel now in my 20s im realizing this isnt just in my head, its not just a phase and its a forever thing, and the only thing i can do, is "get over it". so right now im feeling, overwhelmed.

I didn't realise you were that young. That, and your attractiveness seems to be working against you.
I.E. The jealousy factor with other women.

If you were an NT you would probably exploit the situation.
Aspies often don't seem to work that way, based on my limited experience.
Does anyone disagree with this?

 

[Jonn]

Think l struggled with those types of feelings as a younger person. Think as you age, your personality will be more formed and you will believe in yourself more. You are still developing, growing and becoming you. Don't write yourself off. Go out and follow passions, do what motivates you career-wise. As we age, looks are nice, but who the person is inside is really important.

Agreed

 

[Moonhart44]

I didn't realise you were that young. That, and your attractiveness seems to be working against you.
I.E. The jealousy factor with other women.

If you were an NT you would probably exploit the situation.
Aspies often don't seem to work that way, based on my limited experience.
Does anyone disagree with this?

i wouldnt say anyone would disagree with that. i mean i try very hard to look my best to mask my faults, but also i try even hard to be a valuable asset in either a work or relaxed setting. I feel this strong compulsion, almost like im running out of time, to be a good person or to have my personality reflect as good to people, and i try to do everything in my power to try to prove that i am "good" haha.

 

[Au Naturel]

Q: Why do people get lonely?
A: Because the evolutionary process "discovered" that there is more chance in disseminating genetic coding if humans clustered together for protection and reproduction purposes.

Q: Why is there a tendency for humans to partner up?
A: There is a greater chance for the survival of the offspring if there are any.

Q: What if there aren't any offspring involved, or there is no potential for that in the future?
A: People still have their instinctual/biological needs to address, and that usually means searching for a partner to help satisfy those needs.

People can transcend their instinctual needs, especially when their hormone/chemical levels are mitigated.

Just my view of life.

The urge to pack up long predates humanity. IIRC the only solitary ape is the Orangutan. Personally I think humans behave much more like chimps than gorillas. Within the troop/tribe there's a desperate need for status because higher status leads to more offspring and greater access to resources. That is why social skills are insanely important and why it hurts so much to be the omega member of the group. But there are also likely other evolutionary reasons why autism didn't disappear from our genes.

Concealed ovulation keeps males interested 24/7/365. That is uniquely human among the great apes.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

i wouldnt say anyone would disagree with that. i mean i try very hard to look my best to mask my faults, but also i try even hard to be a valuable asset in either a work or relaxed setting. I feel this strong compulsion, almost like im running out of time, to be a good person or to have my personality reflect as good to people, and i try to do everything in my power to try to prove that i am "good" haha.

I think that avoiding the idea that you are good or bad would be helpful. This is a false dichotomy that only works with people who have a functional ego. You are clearly a person who lives in self... not ego which is how people function in culture. Ego is filled with falsehoods. As a child, I was abused and ego really created issues for me as I got older. My ego is weak and non-functional. My self is strong and confident. Although I have never been insecure... I had bad patterns from my childhood.

So a better goal might be to be with yourself... focus on your self worth... spend time with yourself. One of the falsehoods in ego and culture is that we need others to complete us. We don't need to be in relationships. First focus on yourself and have a strong relationship with her, she is lovely and smart. She is who she is... and that is not "bad" or faulty.

Why be in a relationship when you are being tortured and not able to be yourself? I used to do this... it was a way of abusing myself and continuing a narrative that is false. At some point I looked back and my only happy times were when I was alone. After learning to connect back to myself through meditation and setting boundaries, I was able to have my first happy relationships and true connections.

It takes hard work but it is the only way and you deserve it.

Put your SELF first