Do other women on the spectrum have trouble dating

[Keena]

Some aspies detest attempts at being pacified and would prefer simple blunt honesty

Yes. I absolutely detest being pacified. It’s the easiest way to make me go from zero to 100 in terms of anger and frustration. To my brain, it reads that the person doesn’t want to hear what me as an individual is feeling and is giving me what they feel the textbook response is. That’s probably not the case, but that’s how it feels.

Also, if I’m actually opening up about something to someone, chances are high I’ve already overthought the situation and have gone through many solutions on my own. Giving me one more with the expectation that it’ll fix everything is frustrating and disappointing, and can often cause me to shut down. Maybe I sound ill-tempered; I’m not. I just want people to listen and understand, not fix. Does that make sense?

 

[Keena]

I've told her 50 times it was just a coincidence. I wonder how many years of not looking and me not meeting anyone who is remotely interested in me will convince her that it was a coincidence and not a fact.

This. 1000x this!

I’m trying to look at it as people just want us to be as happy as they are, and to remain hopeful. And again, they don’t really know what to say. I have sometimes resorted to gently explaining that these replies actually make me feel uncomfortable (or however they make me feel), and that just having someone listen and understand would be more helpful. Most of the time that is received well, sometimes it isn’t.

 

[AspieOtaku]

A soothing song at least for me, hope the ladies get peace and heal and feel soothed too,its an emotional song i cry but feel soothed and safe. Sensative, i am,crying i am im sorry! Im too soft im signng off. Its too beautiful and soothing many emotions come out hidden after many years i feel so vulnerable and cry its soo beautififul. Im moved ill sign off im crying.

 

[paloftoon]

Yes. I absolutely detest being pacified. It’s the easiest way to make me go from zero to 100 in terms of anger and frustration. To my brain, it reads that the person doesn’t want to hear what me as an individual is feeling and is giving me what they feel the textbook response is. That’s probably not the case, but that’s how it feels.

Also, if I’m actually opening up about something to someone, chances are high I’ve already overthought the situation and have gone through many solutions on my own. Giving me one more with the expectation that it’ll fix everything is frustrating and disappointing, and can often cause me to shut down. Maybe I sound ill-tempered; I’m not. I just want people to listen and understand, not fix. Does that make sense?

It does make sense.
We want to be treated like human beings that matter.
Especially if we level with society well enough as a whole.
We also tend not to like small talk. No doubt some people use it as a way to "pacify".

 

[AspieOtaku]

My smile before meeting her, shes on the spectrum many guys tteated her like crap or were chased away seeing as too clingy, when i met her we were perfectly compatible and have been talking for over a year and far away we still talk and relate to eachother. I came off as too clingy to NTs too but love the attention she gives me and shes not too clingy to me, we ask eachother how our day is and talk and cuddle.

 

[Moonhart44]

My smile before meeting her, shes on the spectrum many guys tteated her like crap or were chased away seeing as too clingy, when i met her we were perfectly compatible and have been talking for over a year and far away we still talk and relate to eachother. I came off as too clingy to NTs too but love the attention she gives me and shes not too clingy to me, we ask eachother how our day is and talk and cuddle.

yeh one of my problems is how polarizing i can be in terms of attention. i am a stage 5 clinger but i can also be very aloof and its hard to find people who can . . . i guess deal with that.

 

[AspieOtaku]

yeh one of my problems is how polarizing i can be in terms of attention. i am a stage 5 clinger but i can also be very aloof and its hard to find people who can . . . i guess deal with that.

We cling because we work hard wanting to be loved not be abandoned we get lonely easily. We do too much it overwelmes others and were alone again and sad also in people pleaser mode, i had past gfs saying im super sweet but im clingy then dump me im alone and sad. Im sure women on the spectrum the same way. We work super hard dont want our love to leave us we get desperate we get sad and do what it takes to get our partner to love us back but were smothering them, i know it too well. sad face here.

 

[AspieOtaku]

 

[AspieOtaku]

My smilies the same way although she lives far away is super sad if i dont respond right away, shes a female me we have been talking over a year. She gets sad easy if i dont respond i understand, i get sad too i get lonely.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Neither of us want to be abandoned or unloved my clingyness stems from being abandoned by my birth mother not enough love as a baby and abandoned. So i work super hard with a gf and stay interesting so she does not abandon me, but backfires im alone and sad i give too much love i smother, my partner smilie loves it she too does not want to be alone.

 

[Moonhart44]

Neither of us want to be abandoned or unloved my clingyness stems from being abandoned by my birth mother not enough love as a baby and abandoned. So i work super hard with a gf and stay interesting so she does not abandon me, but backfires im alone and sad i give too much love i smother, my partner smilie loves it she too does not want to be alone.

it is good to hear positivity on people on the spectrum and relationships

 

[AspieOtaku]

it is good to hear positivity on people on the spectrum and relationships

My gf though she lives in Australia smilies just as clingy as me we have been talking for over a year. Here is our special song.

Shes an aspie like me too. Shes another me and loves soo much shes only 3 years older than me, she was very sad when i was suicidal and stayed by my side.

 

[AspieOtaku]

Shes like me only 5 ft 3 with an Aussey accent its so cute when she calls me bae! I call her bae back on steam chat aww.Im 6 ft 1 but very gentle.

 

[AspieOtaku]

She likes being spooned she gets cold easily i spoon her, keep her warm and safe.

 

[tree]

She likes being spooned she gets cold easily i spoon her, keep her warm and safe.

That's tricky, considering you and she live in different countries.

Seems like it would be more accurate to say that she likes to spoon,
and you'd be glad to do so with her, if or when you two ever meet
up.

 

[AspieOtaku]

That's tricky, considering you and she live in different countries.

Seems like it would be more accurate to say that she likes to spoon,
and you'd be glad to do so with her, if or when you two ever meet
up.

Its virtual online long distance i virtually spoon her to keep her warm, i know its silly though it is how it is i plan to keep her warm and safe in person once the pandemic ends. I really like her i do, we have been talking on steam chat for over a year.

 

[GeoAspieBabe]

I haven't been in a romantic/sexual relationship in about 12 years. My problem is not that I am not attentive enough with partners, it's that I am overly clingy, jealous, possessive, and obsessive. It pushes people away. I tend to fall in love very easily/quickly, and once I do, that person becomes the only thing in the world that truly matters to me. In effect, I love "too much". I neglect my family, my job, and myself for the sake of that person, and I am constantly in a state of anxiety/worry over whether the person will leave me or cheat on me. It's messed up, I know. When the person breaks up with me, I lose my sense of self-worth and fall into a state of near-suicidal depression. I have no idea how to stop myself from doing this, so I have decided it's best to just not get involved in relationships anymore. I don't really have the money or time for therapy to try and correct it, and I doubt it would help. It saves me pain and saves my potential partners pain as well. And besides, I am an Aspie woman with very poor social skills and terrible social anxiety, so I am very uncomfortable around strangers and in social situations. This makes it hard for me to meet people anyway.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

I haven't been in a romantic/sexual relationship in about 12 years. My problem is not that I am not attentive enough with partners, it's that I am overly clingy, jealous, possessive, and obsessive. It pushes people away. I tend to fall in love very easily/quickly, and once I do, that person becomes the only thing in the world that truly matters to me. In effect, I love "too much". I neglect my family, my job, and myself for the sake of that person, and I am constantly in a state of anxiety/worry over whether the person will leave me or cheat on me. It's messed up, I know. When the person breaks up with me, I lose my sense of self-worth and fall into a state of near-suicidal depression. I have no idea how to stop myself from doing this, so I have decided it's best to just not get involved in relationships anymore. I don't really have the money or time for therapy to try and correct it, and I doubt it would help. It saves me pain and saves my potential partners pain as well. And besides, I am an Aspie woman with very poor social skills and terrible social anxiety, so I am very uncomfortable around strangers and in social situations. This makes it hard for me to meet people anyway.

Although I have never felt or been needy or clingy (I need my own freedom so much that I cannot be those things). I am an extremely passionate person. Even though I am male, I do relate to many of your feelings.

The only things that save me from my passionate, almost addictive, feelings are meditation and the ability to break my own heart.

Meditation allows me to focus on my breath when I have obsessive thoughts.

When I feel things drifting apart (mostly in friendships at this point). I can call on all of my previous heartbreak to pre-break my heart. This allows me to let go. Letting go is one of the most useful skills I have in my toolbox. It allows me to remain in this world, heart forward, without fear.

In a sense, I am happiest when I am alone. I remind myself of that to patch my broken heart back together

 

[GeoAspieBabe]

I agree that I am probably better off alone as well. Weirdly I don't get obsessive or clingy with people unless I'm in a romantic relationship. In platonic relationships I'm like you- needing lots of freedom. For some reason, my brain just can't process romantic feelings normally. I don't really have any close friendships with others either. My only close relationships are with my mom and my son. And we've learned, for the most part, how to give each other adequate space. Most platonic friendships that I have had end in one of two ways- the other person and I simply drift apart because it's too much effort/too uncomfortable to maintain a friendship for me or the person is way too clingy and I cut them off because they are annoying me when I just want to be left alone. Other than with my mom and my son, when I am around others, I never feel like I can be my true self without people judging me and thinking I'm bat-poo crazy. I always feel the need to "mask" my true self and put on an act around people outside my family and it's just too mentally exhausting.

 

[Ursus Chainus]

I agree that I am probably better off alone as well. Weirdly I don't get obsessive or clingy with people unless I'm in a romantic relationship. In platonic relationships I'm like you- needing lots of freedom. For some reason, my brain just can't process romantic feelings normally. I don't really have any close friendships with others either. My only close relationships are with my mom and my son. And we've learned, for the most part, how to give each other adequate space. Most platonic friendships that I have had end in one of two ways- the other person and I simply drift apart because it's too much effort/too uncomfortable to maintain a friendship for me or the person is way too clingy and I cut them off because they are annoying me when I just want to be left alone. Other than with my mom and my son, when I am around others, I never feel like I can be my true self without people judging me and thinking I'm bat-poo crazy. I always feel the need to "mask" my true self and put on an act around people outside my family and it's just too mentally exhausting.

This totally makes sense to me. It may be one reason I am happiest with an asexual partner. I have drifted from so many friendships as well. I am getting better and even have a few male friendships I don't feel needy ever... even in romantic relationships. Actually... it can be a challenge for anyone to keep me in their lives. I do, however, feel highly passionate and loving (even with some platonic friends) I can't show these feelings correctly and they get misinterpreted.

I find working with people exhausting... especially with a woman friend that things blew up with. My entire life I have been too much X or not enough X. It is like there is a "goldilocks zone" around people and I just can't find it.