Do you have trouble making friends?

[Len Huppe]

What this world calls friendship, ugh. It's just use and be used, if you lack the skills to use others, you'll get used.

Good point!

I think that you have identified the difference between friendship and exploitation. Real friends do not use or abuse each other. Instead real friends support each other and help each other. Sadly there are too many people willing to take advantage of others. Aspies must be careful to not be too trusting of others.

 

[Ezra]

Hello Ezra,

Thank you for the clarification. I apologize if I misspoke by quoting Tony Attwood. In the future I will be more careful. I will also educate myself on level 2 and 3 autism. So far my studies have been focused more on the effects of Asperger Syndrome and less on living with level 2 and 3 autism. I clearly have a lot of learning to do.

Nothing to apologize for. Like I said I agree with Atwood's statement. I know you are learning about autism so I was just mentioning some differences I thought you would find interesting. But probably not all level 2's would agree with me. There's a saying that goes; if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. We have so many similarities but also have lots of differences. One level 2 I know drives a car. There's no way it would be safe for me to drive. Most level 3's are completely nonverbal in every way including writing. Then there is Carly Fleischmann who has written a book and interviews celebrities using an AAC device (voice machine like Stephen Hawking used).

But anyways in some ways I feel more fortunate to not be level 1 because of Ithe fact that I do not have to struggle with social situations. Although others with autism similar to mine might.

My autism is a bit different because I was level 3 until I turned eight years old then I developed more towards level 2. So a combination of both.

It makes sense to mainly address asperger's here because the bulk of members here are aspies.

 

[WildCat]

No. My best friend has about 78,000 miles and runs pretty well. Highly reliable, the kind you can depend on when it counts the most, and I take care of it in return.

Oh...you mean other people as friends? Heh. That would be nice.

 

[menander]

Great at making them because I mask well, but can't keep them.

Immediate connections all around but two weeks in, can't take it. What can't I take?

1. the clothes i have to wear to be social
2. the euphemisms I have to engage in to pass as NT
3. the imposter syndrome I have to live with
4. knowing when I "just be YOURSELF!!" it backfires and people really do not like it

It all falls apart.................

 

[WoodWorkingJoel]

I just gave up trying years ago, now I'm 100% successful at not having friends cos I have zero.
Said it on here before, I used to tell. Myself I didn't want or need friends but it's not true. I'd love to be able to trust a group of people but it always ended in disappointment.
when the cards were down the where nowhere to be seen.
It's a theme on the forum you will see repeated as new people join.

 

[Misery]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I wish that I knew what to tell you. If I ever find the answer I will shout it from the highest mountain top for all to hear. I have no words of wisdom to share but perhaps I can offer some food for thought.

Speaking for myself, I am compelled to keep trying until I succeed. That said, the dating scene is probably not the right place for me to find friends, much less a companion. The kind of people that I want to have in my life are not drawn to the typical dating places any more than I am. Instead I have decided to rethink the whole concept of meeting people. In my case I think that its a good idea to try and meet other Aspies. So far I have located a meetup for adult Aspies to gather together and meet other Aspies. With help from google I found outdoor clubs such as gardening and hiking. I also found clubs for people who like to do everything from reading to playing chess to crafts. I had to put my plans on hold because of covid but I am not giving up. Will I meet new friends this way? I think that if I try hard enough I will succeed. Will I meet the lady of my dreams? Maybe, but I won't know unless I give it try.

You say that its rare for you to meet anyone who shares your interests. I see from your post that you like having dogs. I love dogs! My favorite was a Collie & Schnauzer mix called Fuzzy. I nicknamed Fuzzy the The Fuzz after The Fonze on the tv show Happy Days. The Fuzz was that cool lol.

May I ask what your other interests are?

My other hobbies are video games, board games (played solo as many modern board games can be) reading, drones, twisty puzzles, and cosplay (and travelling, which usually goes along with that one). I'm also learning some art stuff recently but am not very good at it. Virtual reality might also count as a hobby.... maybe?

As for things like clubs and meetups, ehhhh... you know, I've had that idea, and there were a couple of attempts at it. At one point there was this sort of meetup/therapy/something group for people on the spectrum. It seemed like such a great idea. But this one guy spent every single session complaining about his lack of a girlfriend. Every. Single. Session. It seemed to be the one and only thought on his mind, and nobody else ever got a chance to say or do anything since he never stopped ranting about it. That ended my interest in the idea of group meetups. What little interest had been there, anyway.

As for the mentions of dating and whatnot, that's all over my head. I've never had the slightest interest in any of that.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi Len just watched the talk, i sit here alone and with tears rolling down as i wished i'd have a Attwood in my life to navigate the world, help me to accept and like who i am and as a Grand-Mother of a lovely 5 year old Aspie hope i can give her the support and understanding i sadly lacked during my life, i have friends but find it hard to understand the reciprocal needs of those people and especially ATM with Corona19 find myself with no job and very much lonely and the familiar feelings of depression and failure beginning to seep into my thinking.

 

[SliverOfSand]

I have the hardest time making new friends. I can’t even keep old ones That I’ve known since childhood. When I was in middle school, I felt like a failure because I didn’t have a close ‘friend group’ that I saw other people have. Back then, I didn’t realize I had autism. I was striving to be normal, even though I knew I wasn’t. Now, I have one friend who is also an aspie, and although we only see each other a few times a year, we keep in touch. I do feel that the only reason we are able to keep the relationship is because we have the same interests. All of the other childhood friendships I had just stopped suddenly, and I haven’t actually made a friend since.

I do like to socialize with certain people, but most of the time I find the process of socializing extremely draining, especially if it consists of only small talk or gossip or drama. I never really have anything to say when the subject consists only of those things, so I stay quiet. If the conversations were about something I actually know a lot about, then I would have lots to say. I just find that whenever I have an interaction with someone, I get really downhearted because I can tell I make social mistakes, or I just completely blank and say nothing for most of the conversation. I think that people notice, but they don’t know why I’m like that, so they just end up staying away.

Despite that, I do enjoy solitude a lot more. I can do what I want and enjoy, without people judging me. I don’t have to wear clothes that make me uncomfortable. And, I feel that I can save myself a lot of time for doing other things. I also save myself from needless anxiety, and I don’t feel like a social failure when I’m by myself.

 

[joe2006]

It seems like the older I get the harder it is for me to make new friends. I have lost many potential friends when I was younger, mostly because of my behavioral problems causing problems in our relationship. Most people only put up with me for about two years before they decided they did not want anything else to do with me again. Now I only have one friend but she lives across the country and we very rarely see each other. I have tried making new friends over the years but things do not seem to be working out very well. I think the main problem now is that I am not a very social person and communication is an important thing with friendships. I tend to stay in my room and do not get out and socialize with other people making it almost impossible to make any friends. Now I am at the point to where I would rather just be alone than have friends. Maybe one day things will change and I will be able to have another friend but as long as I am happy I guess that is all that matters.

 

[Len Huppe]

My biggest obstacle to making friends is that I have no interest in most people. They're boring or annoying. I have one friend I see occasionally and another friend I saw and talked to a lot until now. He'll be going to college in another state. I don't know how it's going to be with basically no one.

Its not at all unusual to have only 1 or 2 friends. Can you say why it is you find people boring or annoying? Do you have difficulty talking about the things that interest you? Do you have even more difficulty listening to others talk about their interests? If you can learn to do those 2 things you will have a much easier time dealing with people. Along the way you may find someone who shares your interests and become friends.

 

[Rotundi]

People in general just SUCK. All throughout grade school the kids just talked about gossip and snooki. It just so happened that everything I was interested in they weren't into that and all of the people they talked about I had no idea who they were. I would try to strike up conversation and they would just stare at me, then go back to talking to eachother. I can't relate to my past friends anymore since they all got knocked up with their controlling loser boyfriends with no job and no money. I just can't find anybody who finds me interesting and I can't find anybody who I find interesting. I'm into all sorts of art and school subjects, but I don't know anybody who loves to geek out about those things as much as I do. So I just stopped trying to be friends with those people and am looking for more sophisticated people I can actually relate to. If I could find somebody who was just as passionate about having hobbies and interests besides mindless gossip we could be great friends. I'm glad I'm moving soon; new place new people.

 

[unperson]

People in general just SUCK. All throughout grade school the kids just talked about gossip and snooki....I would try to strike up conversation and they would just stare at me, then go back to talking to eachother. I can't relate to my past friends anymore since they all got knocked up with their controlling loser boyfriends with no job and no money. I just can't find anybody who finds me interesting and I can't find anybody who I find interesting. I'm into all sorts of art and school subjects....passionate about having hobbies and interests besides mindless gossip we could be great friends. I'm glad I'm moving soon; new place new people.

Lol'ed at the 'knocked up by loser controlling jobless boyfriends' line, amen to that. I think we can all relate to your description of 'friendship' experiences generally.

 

[Len Huppe]

Some want friends but have a hard time making and keeping friendships, others don't have the desire.
It seems built in one way or the other.

I think that it comes down to a personal decision. Some folks like me will seek friendships and do what it takes to make that possible, while others will chose for personal reasons to go in the opposite direction. What do you think?

 

[Els]

I think that it comes down to a personal decision. Some folks like me will seek friendships and do what it takes to make that possible, while others will chose for personal reasons to go in the opposite direction. What do you think?

I think it's not different than liking a certain hobby or not. Some will like a certain thing, others won't dwell there. I don't see my way of relating to others as something fundamentally different than my way of learning about something that interests me, or not. Having friends/making myself sociable/learning more about social stuffs, used to be one of my interests. I don't feel it used to be very different than my way of learning about dinosaurs or digital painting; or my way of not being interested about learning german language or not being interested in learning about politics - at all. Some might be more interested by social relationships than others just because it's this way. The interest might evolve as well.
It's personal, so I might be wrong.
Maybe it's also linked to how social relationships make you feel, your early (and less early) experiences.
If you have good experiences and are encouraged to dwell on the subject positively and people accept your awkwardness, then entering into relationships might make you feel better and be more rewarding than if you learned that relationships make you feel bad. It's very human.

Also, I've seen an interesting documentary about a young ASD girl, and she wasn't talking. But her parents took a cat and both bounded like crazy together, and she "learned" to enter in relationships a bit more through the contact with the cat.
I had the same transitionning as her when I was a kid. Althrough I was talking, I needed my cat in order to learn how to enter in relationship with others more. I was like that girl, I wanted to take the cat everywhere because it was my friend - had a lot of meltdowns because of that.
So, yes, anyway, I think any kind of positive experience of entering in contact/relationship with an other being is good to take with people with ASD. Without pressuring either. I think pressure is the best way of having the person feel an aversion.

Anyway, those are my thought, I might be wrong and there might be maaaaaaaany more things going on. It's also about what I experienced personally, so not universal.

 

[SusanLR]

It is a personal thing that even I don't understand about myself.
Like why do some people like the colour red all their life and others like blue?
With ASD it seems most of our differences is hard wired genetics.
If you don't feel certain things that others do, I can't say I know why.

We can go through the motions, but, if you feel nothing to go with them it doesn't create fulfillment.
My first true connections were with my parents and then a cat.
It was all I needed or wanted along with my special interests which at age 3-5 were music and
collecting rocks.

I showed no interest in socialising and never matured into wanting things in life that seem to
happen naturally to others at puberty and beyond.
I enjoyed my home life, animals, and studying subjects of interest.
Guess I am pretty interested in everything about the world and beyond as I read the
Enceyclopedia set when I was 13.
Hobbies like art and music also filled my time

 

[Ezra]

One thing in my life regarding friends and socializing, is my cousin has friends and where they go I go, if I want. So there have been many occasions where I have hung out with a group of people. But of course I am off to the side and silent, by nature. Kind of like "Silent Bob" I suppose but much less interactive. Fortunately my cousin has good taste and sense in picking friends.

 

[FreeDiver]

I think that it comes down to a personal decision. Some folks like me will seek friendships and do what it takes to make that possible, while others will chose for personal reasons to go in the opposite direction. What do you think?

I'm one of those that likes to seek out friendships. But you got to be really careful and make sure that you're not being used, or setup to be used. I've been burned in the past by fake friendships and when you're in a position to where you're desperate to make friendships. It can make you an easy target for getting taken advantage of, or exploited for that matter. When anyone tried to be friends with me. I go into "private investigator" mode and do a full background check on them. It turns out about 99% of all the friends I've gotten have turn out to be fakes.

 

[Len Huppe]

Once again I posed a question to the community and you have been generous in sharing your thoughts. Please be patient as I try to keep up with all of you. Some of your responses are so thought-provocative that I want think about it before responding.

 

[Len Huppe]

I'm one of those that likes to seek out friendships. But you got to be really careful and make sure that you're not being used, or setup to be used. I've been burned in the past by fake friendships and when you're in a position to where you're desperate to make friendships. It can make you an easy target for getting taken advantage of, or exploited for that matter. When anyone tried to be friends with me. I go into "private investigator" mode and do a full background check on them. It turns out about 99% of all the friends I've gotten have turn out to be fakes.

Sound advice. You speak the truth for all of us. I sincerely hope that others will see your words and take them to heart.

Thank you!

 

[Judge]

That's an issue that made exploring my own autism quite difficult when I first began to try to understand who and what I am. What really skewed that question for me was the fact that I was raised in a military family, constantly moving. Whatever friends I made as a small child become harder and harder with each move. Even my NT brother lamented that at times he just "gave up trying".

This certainly played a role in my being reticent to seek out new friends as a teenager and beyond. Though in the final analysis I see my social issues far more relative to my autism than anything else.

At this point in my life, I don't really have anyone I'd truly call a friend. It doesn't help that I have trust issues with most people. I exist in self imposed isolation which in the big picture works for me, though at times I can get lonely as can most folks.