Do you have trouble making friends?

[Len Huppe]

Yes, I have always had difficulty making friends. I did not really have any friends in high school, but I had a lot to do with that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I was ashamed for anyone to know. So I built a virtual wall that no one could get through. At my 40 year high school reunion, many people talked with me and said they never really knew me, even though I was elected most likely to succeed in my senior year. I did not date in high school, and was clueless when a beautiful girl, a majorette, asked me to take her to our class Prom. Forty-five years later I recognize what a dumbass I was for not taking her to the Prom.

In college, I had one friend who competed with me in Math and Physics classes. We were generally recognized as "brains" by class mates and faculty. He graduated with joint majors in physics, math, and computer science. I graduated with joint majors in chemistry, math, and computer science. I have no idea who was smartest, but we still stay in touch via Facebook. Despite my academic prowess (or maybe because of it) I was an utter failure at dating.

After college, I acquired skills in attracting and interacting with women by going out to clubs and learning how to dress and act in social situations. I can honestly say that I do not have anxiety around women now, and I do not exert effort masking. With men, however, I have had one close male friend in 40 years, and he died four years ago. I have had short friendships which ended because after I came to know them I found them to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Honesty trust and loyalty are essential for anyone to become my friend. Recently, I became friends with a woman at work, and she introduced me to her husband. He and I are friends now, but only time will tell if it lasts. I would like to be friends with both him and his wife, because we have a lot in common.

Now despite my ease in interacting with women, my wife and I have issues. I sometimes make comments about other people in private that she finds offensive. Also, I do not experience feelings and emotions as she does, so we have this emotional distance between us. I also like to tease, and she hates to be teased. She says I act much younger than my age, and I think she acts older than her age. I am actually one year older than her.

I have not read any of Tony Attwood's books, so I don't know if I would identify with his experiences or not. I do know that I identify with many on this forum.

Congratulations on getting married. The challenges that you describe in your relationship with your wife are a recurring theme in the literature. You may find couples counseling helpful. As for the mistakes you made in the past, I submit to you that your past mistakes do not define you. Happy trails to you and your wife.

My first book from Tony Attwood was The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. If you want to understand the nature of the condition its a good read. It was the book that convinced me I have Asperger's Syndrome. Since then I found Been There. Done That. Try This! also by Tony Attwood. It was written more as a self help guide and thats why I ordered it.

 

[Progster]

Are you like me in that making friends has always been a challenge?

Yes, making friends is a challenge, and for various different reasons. The reasons and difficulties vary according to what stage of life or in what environment one is in.

As a small child, being aloof and just not interested in other kids/people, the concept of 'friend' was non-existent. Slightly older: I get that they are playing games with each other and having fun in doing so, but it doesn't occur to me to join in. I never liked being in a group. I prefer the library, or to play on my own. Later, in middle school, started talking to kids adn having friends, but usually just one at a time. As a teenager, kids became more socially aware, I was just hanging around on the edge and didn't belong to any social group, was rejected by many of my peers for not being 'cool or 'trendy' as they called it then. Had one or two friends, but couldn't handle more than one - as soon as there were two, the other two started talking to each other and I got left out.

As an adult: learned to mask, but still in the 'uncanny valley' of being a bit 'off' socially, aloof and distant. I could never interact with my peers in the same way as they interact with each other. There was always something missing that I couldn't put my finger on. Although I may try to speak to people, I don't really connect or they don't connect with me. I don't give them what they expect, or need. I never learned this 'ememe' social signaling language, I seem kind of stiff/rigid and that puts people off. Or at least, that's what I think; I don't actually know how I come across to others. I don't talk in group conversations, don't join in their banter, am not 'fun' enough. I just sit there, on the edge not talking, and then don't get invited to things, people have no interest in talking to me or getting to know me, and now especially in later years, I don't have any real interest in them or making friends either.

Apart from this, as I've got older I've found that people have already established their social circle and aren't looking for new friendships.

 

[Rasputin]

Congratulations on getting married. The challenges that you describe in your relationship with your wife are a recurring theme in the literature. You may find couples counseling helpful. As for the mistakes you made in the past, I submit to you that your past mistakes do not define you. Happy trails to you and your wife.

My first book from Tony Attwood was The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome. If you want to understand the nature of the condition its a good read. It was the book that convinced me I have Asperger's Syndrome. Since then I found Been There. Done That. Try This! also by Tony Attwood. It was written more as a self help guide and thats why I ordered it.

Thanks! I'll order the both of the books you mentioned.

 

[Len Huppe]

I don't find it hard to have shallow superficial relationships anymore, I learned how to make a "good impression" by observing what most people wait for. I also had the "chance" to be in a group of friends (of my ex) so that I had plenty of time to understand the codes + practice. It lasted 4 years, I was actually part of the group. When we separated with my ex through, I had very few real friends in the group. Actually, there were all people I knew how to "make a good impression" with and be liked, but only 2 people I was talking with in more depth. When being with my ex, it was okay because I was invited in the group without having to make as much efforts as needed, because HE was invited to meet anyway, therefore I was too. It was a bit bit less efforts to make than if I had been on my own. As soon as we separated, I was the outsider for sure. I tried for some time to remain in the group because there were those 2 people I liked. And then even my relationship with them faded, because I'm simply unable to keep a "proper" frequency of communication. It's wrong to say it's because when I'm alone I'm facing less autistic symptoms and anxiety. It's only part of the reality. The reality is that I'm REALLY unable - simply unable - to keep a relationship alive because it's too much work and efforts for me to make this happen with the required frequency. Why is it too much work? Simply because masking is exhausting, and most relationships consist in 80% masking and superficiality for 20% nice real depth and interesting talks. Remove my 80% masking, there remains only 20% of relationship between me and anyone. It's not enough FOR PEOPLE to call that a friendship, yet it's enough for me. I don't believe the problem is anxiety, I believe the problem is other people's standards - and being unable to meet those standards without masking a lot creates anxiety. Anxiety isn't the main problem for me, it's people's standards and expectations in our relationship. I've been called cold, snob, shy, unconfident, uninterested, however people want to see me. I'm none of that, I just can't meet their requirements. If I did - and I used to do that quiet a lot - it's at the cost of my own mental health.

Everybody seems to see the lack of friends under the assumption that it's caused or causing unhappiness/anxiety/isolation/depression whatever. It's wrong, or at least not necessarily true and just part of a bigger whole. Too many relationships cause me a greater unhappiness, as well as too little. Yet, my needs of relationships is anyway far lower than most people because I don't enjoy the 80% of masking required in order to be friend with them, and it's very detrimental for me. People used to think - and I believed that - that making friends would make me happy or something. It's wrong. I feel much better now that the masking is unrequired all the time in order to maintain friendships. In that sense, yes I managed to have quiet a lot of "friends", but I was much more unhappy than I am now with a lot less of this.
I can still mask and I know how to be liked for some time. I don't see the usefulness of that. It used to be like "okay now I have friends and look more or less normal. Okay, and now what? Oh, I've got to do this like ALL THE TIME continuously in order to maintain friendships???". It's insane and, to my mind, detrimental FOR ME.

That's my experience with friendship. I dislike it although I know more or less how to form/create one. The friendships I've got now are exclusively with people with lower standards and who require less attention so that I can focus on things that interest me instead of the 80% of BS friendships require. In that sense, my friendships are friendships which don't need an exhausting involvement and let me plenty of time to be autistic and enjoy my lonely interests. Because I am not less autistic when being alone. Finding people with lower expectations and greater acceptance is key, much more than having to make all the job.

I don't know if it's clear or confused, I tried to be as clear as possible

I thought that you articulated your thoughts quite well. I consider this to be a very personal topic to all of us. Therefore Its normal to have plenty to say when talking about it. Its definitely not fair that the NT world requires us to wear a masque and pretend to be something we are not. Just because the NTs outnumber us does not mean that they outclass us.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves that we should never take the issues with NTs personally. Outside of their inner circles many NTs treat each other rather poorly. That is their problem to deal with and not ours. Here in this community we set the example for acceptance and inclusion. The fact of the matter is that the NT world can learn more than a few things from Aspies. Those in the NT community who reject us do so at their own loss.

I'm glad to find out in this thread that there are a great many Aspies fully capable of handing their situation. I hope that other members of this community read this thread and come to the same conclusion. Your perspective is a valuable one because it is rooted in a clear understanding of the facts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

[unperson]

Would also echo Els 'ALL OF THE TIME' observation, can do it if necessary, but become a full time social 'actor" seems like forced unpaid exhausting work to me. NT acting and social skills are amazing - it's their form of savantism, but I'm not a social savant.

 

[Jumpback]

I like having the sort of friends who are like, “hey, we are going to the water park, do you want to come?” I’ve had just a few friends like this in the past and my ex-girlfriend was really wonderful about such things.

It’s just that I have always relied on people generally liking me to include me in things, I have never really learned like ‘how to make friends.’ And now I don’t really have any friends, except one who is a distant friend.

I think that I am just really weighted towards having the “executive function disorder” of autism. I have all the general traits, but most of them are not that bad, but this one is that bad. Things I struggle with are like not having the apartment being so messy that no one would want to enter, or managing to get out the door dressed appropriately and so on, or remembering people’s birthdays and to call them and so on.

As an adult I have figured out how to use potential relationships related humor to make things funny and people start liking me. Like a few weeks ago these two like 20 year old girls were walking and one said something that seemed like flirting and the other one said something like “did you really flirt with that old guy?” kind of quietly, but I overheard it. So then I said fairly loudly something like, ‘hey, I just had an attractive young girl flirt with me and it brightened my whole day, and you have to go and ruin it by calling me an “old guy,”...thanks a lot, jerk”. They both thought it was funny.

So I can do a lot of the socializing in this strange way, but I can even become a nervous wreck trying to gather clean clothes and take a shower and so on. I’ve been just giving up and not bothering with taking showers and clean clothes and so on and I think I have people assume that I am a homeless guy

It might not sound so bad for people who struggle with how to talk to people, but when this issue is so bad that they have got caught up in going and smoking and drinking a couple beers to overcome anxiety of locating clean clothes and getting in the shower, it’s pretty awful.

 

[Els]

I thought that you articulated your thoughts quite well. I consider this to be a very personal topic to all of us. Therefore Its normal to have plenty to say when talking about it. Its definitely not fair that the NT world requires us to wear a masque and pretend to be something we are not. Just because the NTs outnumber us does not mean that they outclass us.

Maybe this is a good opportunity to remind ourselves that we should never take the issues with NTs personally. Outside of their inner circles many NTs treat each other rather poorly. That is their problem to deal with and not ours. Here in this community we set the example for acceptance and inclusion. The fact of the matter is that the NT world can learn more than a few things from Aspies. Those in the NT community who reject us do so at their own loss.

I'm glad to find out in this thread that there are a great many Aspies fully capable of handing their situation. I hope that other members of this community read this thread and come to the same conclusion. Your perspective is a valuable one because it is rooted in a clear understanding of the facts. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Your answer makes me think that I should precise that I don't believe that people are my opponents or something negative. I have a very neutral point of view about most people. Most of them are actually neutral althrough self motivated. The self motivated part is important, because althrough most of them can regulate their behaviour about it and remain respectful, some of them become destructive for others because they can't self regulate that. Most people I've met were respectful, althrough, again, self motivated and ready to use me as needed, and entering in relationship not for friendship but in order to fill a lack they had. They didn't necesserily harm in the process; yet, their kindness and warmth wasn't an altruist thing and was misleading for me. The destructive ones still are a minority according to me. I'm very neutral about most people I meet. I used to be extroverted and put tons of efforts and like to talk and joke. I don't enjoy doing that anymore, because at some point I realized that doing too much had a great impact on myself, anxiety levels, etc. I feel better now.
About masking, I talked with a very good friend, we used to be friends for 15 years, and I wasn't masking that much. Still masking, but not being overly enthousiastic and overdoing the masking, not overdoing the superficial thing, but still doing the minimum recquiered to have a pleasant appearance and not appear apathic/disinterested/impolite as I used to be as a child. More a middle ground. She literally told me "I want to talk with my friend". Well. That was nice, thanks, 15 years of deep friendship it seems. At least, I realized I have become very good at masking. What she told really woke up deep wounds in me, because it has always hurt me for the most part of my childhood that I couldn't be friend with anyone. I worked hard on it, it appearently worked, but when it falls down I'm still myself beneath and still, appearently, unlikable and unwanted. She wants to talk to her friend, not to me. I don't see the usefulness of that, since masking is rather hard work than pleasant for me. It's nice for others, it helps them relate, but strictly for me, it's bad for my mental health. We never talked since, althrough I did apologize (I don't believe I had to, it was just the best polite thing to do I guess). I might not seem kind when I talk about abstract subjects because I don't add tons of decoration to my "raw" thinking, but IRL and on a personal level I've been kinder and more supportive and dedicated with others than most people have been with me.
The thing is, that talking about the friendship topic do make things personal. Not taking things personally when it's not friendship, sure, I'm in. Not taking personally that my doctor needs masking when I go there, I'm okay. Not taking personally that my grandmother needs masking, I'm okay as well. I understand those stuffs perfectly. When it's about friendship and personal relationships that I can actually choose? Well, I think I'd rather take things personally in order to make the best choices for me. I don't see why I should not take such issues personally (about friendship). I think I definitely should, because it helps me not ending being eaten by people's expectations, remarks, comments, and what they want me to be, and end up acting badly towards myself because the need to mask = literally denying and suppressing myself. I don't believe people recquiering masking are necesserily opponents or enemies or bad (grandmother, doctor, whomever); but definitely not masking implies that my personal relationships and friendships are reduced if I want to consider myself, needs, wishes, etc, instead of suppressing it. My nacked self, sadly, is unpleasant for most people and recquiere masking. Mask less, you have less friends around. It's almost mechanical.

I know my writting is always long, I have a lot of difficulties in seeing the big picture rather than details. I'm working on it but I'm very bad at being synthetic, I don't know what details matter VS what doesn't.

 

[Len Huppe]

Yes, I have always had difficulty making friends. I did not really have any friends in high school, but I had a lot to do with that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I was ashamed for anyone to know. So I built a virtual wall that no one could get through. At my 40 year high school reunion, many people talked with me and said they never really knew me, even though I was elected most likely to succeed in my senior year. I did not date in high school, and was clueless when a beautiful girl, a majorette, asked me to take her to our class Prom. Forty-five years later I recognize what a dumbass I was for not taking her to the Prom.

In college, I had one friend who competed with me in Math and Physics classes. We were generally recognized as "brains" by class mates and faculty. He graduated with joint majors in physics, math, and computer science. I graduated with joint majors in chemistry, math, and computer science. I have no idea who was smartest, but we still stay in touch via Facebook. Despite my academic prowess (or maybe because of it) I was an utter failure at dating.

After college, I acquired skills in attracting and interacting with women by going out to clubs and learning how to dress and act in social situations. I can honestly say that I do not have anxiety around women now, and I do not exert effort masking. With men, however, I have had one close male friend in 40 years, and he died four years ago. I have had short friendships which ended because after I came to know them I found them to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Honesty trust and loyalty are essential for anyone to become my friend. Recently, I became friends with a woman at work, and she introduced me to her husband. He and I are friends now, but only time will tell if it lasts. I would like to be friends with both him and his wife, because we have a lot in common.

Now despite my ease in interacting with women, my wife and I have issues. I sometimes make comments about other people in private that she finds offensive. Also, I do not experience feelings and emotions as she does, so we have this emotional distance between us. I also like to tease, and she hates to be teased. She says I act much younger than my age, and I think she acts older than her age. I am actually one year older than her.

I have not read any of Tony Attwood's books, so I don't know if I would identify with his experiences or not. I do know that I identify with many on this forum.

In my first response I failed to mention that I have the same issue of saying precisely the wrong thing in conversation. My girlfriend endured a lot when we were together. Now matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I always managed to upset her. Does that sound like your situation?

 

[Els]

In my first response I failed to mention that I have the same issue of saying precisely the wrong thing in conversation. My girlfriend endured a lot when we were together. Now matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I always managed to upset her. Does that sound like your situation?

I prevent(ed) it by being exessively nice and kind and I struggle to respond in the "right" and normal expected way. Tone of voice is important, smile is important, looking at the person frequently is important, being enthousiastic/very expressive is important, asking questions about topics that are boring is important, having a lot of "ready to say" answers stocked in my memory is important too.
I also prevent my akwardness/rudeness/clumsiness by joking and making fun of myself if I made a "mistake"; and/or apologizing frequently.
Those are things I'm doing waaaaaay less because of their negative impact on me, it's extremely draining to coordinate everything. It's so difficult that I can end up laughing about something that wasn't a joke because I had to focus on too many things so I messed up, laughed, and now, oh, the other one seems to be frowning, frowning is negative, I must act fast. And so on. Now that I'm not trying to respond less as expected but as I am, yes, I upset people easier because I'm not answering what I should. Lol.
That being said, some people get more easily upset than others. I stay far from people getting upset easily if I think differently or who correct me and get upset if I do things differently or react differectly. I totally avoid people making me constantly wrong and getting upset. Their problem, not mine. Some people are more tolerant, and althrough they still recquiere masking and efforts, they can be patient with me in reciprocity and not taking things bad or talk to me for hours about "how you did this that makes me upset and it's all your fault". I simply won't stay. I put a lot of attention now about whether my relationships are balanced or if I'm the only one who's asked to compromise.
I don't think people get upset because of me. I've met different kind of people, some get upset, others are more patient. It has to do with me, but it has also to do with them. I'm not okay with people putting it all on my back.

 

[Rasputin]

In my first response I failed to mention that I have the same issue of saying precisely the wrong thing in conversation. My girlfriend endured a lot when we were together. Now matter how hard I tried to avoid it, I always managed to upset her. Does that sound like your situation?

That is exactly my situation. I am trying to refrain fr making comments thay might upset my wife. I have a long way to go, because we have grown distant. Currently she will not even watch television in the same room with me, and spends most of her time in a home office with the door closed.

It sounds pretty bad I know.

 

[Jumpback]

Yes, I have always had difficulty making friends. I did not really have any friends in high school, but I had a lot to do with that. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I was ashamed for anyone to know. So I built a virtual wall that no one could get through. At my 40 year high school reunion, many people talked with me and said they never really knew me, even though I was elected most likely to succeed in my senior year. I did not date in high school, and was clueless when a beautiful girl, a majorette, asked me to take her to our class Prom. Forty-five years later I recognize what a dumbass I was for not taking her to the Prom.

In college, I had one friend who competed with me in Math and Physics classes. We were generally recognized as "brains" by class mates and faculty. He graduated with joint majors in physics, math, and computer science. I graduated with joint majors in chemistry, math, and computer science. I have no idea who was smartest, but we still stay in touch via Facebook. Despite my academic prowess (or maybe because of it) I was an utter failure at dating.

After college, I acquired skills in attracting and interacting with women by going out to clubs and learning how to dress and act in social situations. I can honestly say that I do not have anxiety around women now, and I do not exert effort masking. With men, however, I have had one close male friend in 40 years, and he died four years ago. I have had short friendships which ended because after I came to know them I found them to be dishonest or untrustworthy. Honesty trust and loyalty are essential for anyone to become my friend. Recently, I became friends with a woman at work, and she introduced me to her husband. He and I are friends now, but only time will tell if it lasts. I would like to be friends with both him and his wife, because we have a lot in common.

Now despite my ease in interacting with women, my wife and I have issues. I sometimes make comments about other people in private that she finds offensive. Also, I do not experience feelings and emotions as she does, so we have this emotional distance between us. I also like to tease, and she hates to be teased. She says I act much younger than my age, and I think she acts older than her age. I am actually one year older than her.

I have not read any of Tony Attwood's books, so I don't know if I would identify with his experiences or not. I do know that I identify with many on this forum.

Watch Cary Grant clips for inspiration to smooth things out? Acting younger and sort of teasing just a little bit were kind of his style.

 

[Rasputin]

Watch Cary Grant clips for inspiration to smooth things out? Acting younger and sort of teasing just a little bit were kind of his style.

Acting younger and teasing doesn't always work in real life. It definitely doesn't work with my wife. However, I never quit or give up on anything that is important to me. That especially includes my relationship with my wife.

 

[Jumpback]

Acting younger and teasing doesn't always work in real life. It definitely doesn't work with my wife. However, I never quit or give up on anything that is important to me. That especially includes my relationship with my wife.

Maybe this is mainly just me, but I have an absolutely ridiculous silly side and a very serious side that is uncompromising.

People tend to like the silly side a lot more than they like the serious side. I think being too serious and forgetting to find absurd silliness in things is a significant part of why my girlfriend is gone.

I just went to the corner store and there were 3 sort of drunk guys playing scratch off lottery ticket after scratch off lottery tickets. I said something like ‘hey, it’s casino night at the corner store’ and they were like “hell yet it is”. If I let the serious side slip in and talk about how they were wasting money and that they shouldn’t have been hanging out kind of drunk in a corner store no one would have been happy. The store workers might not have liked them being in there, but it’s sort of hard to kick out people who keep spending money and who aren’t blocking the main checkout line (the lottery line is separate)and it’s better even for the store workers if everyone is happy and having a good time.

But when I let serious side slip in it can be really serious and people don’t tend to like this. I think I forgot some around my ex-girlfriend that she fell in love with me while I was being fun and wacky and it was a bit on me to maintain such things at least some.

 

[Rasputin]

Maybe this is mainly just me, but I have an absolutely ridiculous silly side and a very serious side that is uncompromising.

People tend to like the silly side a lot more than they like the serious side. I think being too serious and forgetting to find absurd silliness in things is a significant part of why my girlfriend is gone.

I just went to the corner store and there were 3 sort of drunk guys playing scratch off lottery ticket after scratch off lottery tickets. I said something like ‘hey, it’s casino night at the corner store’ and they were like “hell yet it is”. If I let the serious side slip in and talk about how they were wasting money and that they shouldn’t have been hanging out kind of drunk in a corner store no one would have been happy. The store workers might not have liked them being in there, but it’s sort of hard to kick out people who keep spending money and who aren’t blocking the main checkout line (the lottery line is separate)and it’s better even for the store workers if everyone is happy and having a good time.

But when I let serious side slip in it can be really serious and people don’t tend to like this. I think I forgot some around my ex-girlfriend that she fell in love with me while I was being fun and wacky and it was a bit on me to maintain such things at least some.

It's not just you. My wife is so different though, that any silliness would cause her to react angrily.

 

[Rasputin]

@Len Huppe and @Jumpback, I wanted to follow-up on my earlier comments.

This morning my wife invited me out on our patio for coffee, and her mood was very upbeat. We talked about growing old together, and everything was good. We have new neighbors who moved in two weeks ago, and I suggested that she invite them over for drinks.
She didn't want to meet the new neighbors, and at one point mentioned having a "meltdown" over something I said about her aunt. She did want me to to buy some liquor and sangria, but was not interested in socializing.

In the past, she has acknowledged having more social anxiety than I have. She heads up our church ladies group, but is horrible at making announcements in church. She is very introverted, and has only two close friends, with one living 1300 miles away. A few times I have stood up and made announcements for her, and people have commented how well I did. When we met 28 years ago she was with coworkers at a popular club. I met several of her girl friends, who introduced us after talking and dancing with me. She was very shy, and it took me over a month pursuing her before she agreed to go on a date.

More recently, she started sleeping with a night mask after I started doing this to block out light. I guess what I am wondering if if it is possible that she could also have Asperger's, and I just never noticed? Is it possible she just prefers to. watch television by herself, because we have different tastes in shows? This might explain why we have been together 28 years?

 

[FreeDiver]

@Len Huppe and @Jumpback We have new neighbors who moved in two weeks ago, and I suggested that she invite them over for drinks.
She didn't want to meet the new neighbors, and at one point mentioned having a "meltdown" over something I said about her aunt. She did want me to to buy some liquor and sangria, but was not interested in socializing.

I kinda had the opposite happen to me. When I moved in to my new house. I got invited over to one of my neighbors house and I still wonder if I made a bad impression on them or not. I've never heard from them ever again.

 

[Rasputin]

I kinda had the opposite happen to me. When I moved in to my new house. I got invited over to one of my neighbors house and I still wonder if I made a bad impression on them or not. I've never heard from them ever again.

Did you like them?

 

[Jumpback]

@Len Huppe and @Jumpback, I wanted to follow-up on my earlier comments.

This morning my wife invited me out on our patio for coffee, and her mood was very upbeat. We talked about growing old together, and everything was good. We have new neighbors who moved in two weeks ago, and I suggested that she invite them over for drinks.
She didn't want to meet the new neighbors, and at one point mentioned having a "meltdown" over something I said about her aunt. She did want me to to buy some liquor and sangria, but was not interested in socializing.

In the past, she has acknowledged having more social anxiety than I have. She heads up our church ladies group, but is horrible at making announcements in church. She is very introverted, and has only two close friends, with one living 1300 miles away. A few times I have stood up and made announcements for her, and people have commented how well I did. When we met 28 years ago she was with coworkers at a popular club. I met several of her girl friends, who introduced us after talking and dancing with me. She was very shy, and it took me over a month pursuing her before she agreed to go on a date.

More recently, she started sleeping with a night mask after I started doing this to block out light. I guess what I am wondering if if it is possible that she could also have Asperger's, and I just never noticed? Is it possible she just prefers to. watch television by herself, because we have different tastes in shows? This might explain why we have been together 28 years?

Have you ever looked at the MBTI (Myers Briggs type indicator)? And I don’t like the way it’s used lumping people into only 16 categories, but I like parts of it and about the internal and external functions to a degree...but anyway, one thing about it that seems to be true is that certain types related to it are more common on places like this. I test INTP, and I have counted like 5 other INTPs on this forum.

People who have this combination of I, N and P seem to be often pretty verbal, even though they are introverts. A very high percentage of famous writers are considered to be INFP. Like google “famous infp writers” and you’ll see what I mean...there is this explanation about such things involving extroverted intuition that as much as it sounds unlikely, seems to have truth to it

But, anyway, you are and your wife kind of do seem to have different personalities tendencies.

Maybe you have sort of an unusual predicament of you get along because you both have autistic tendencies, but you don’t understand each other because you have different personality types????

And I kind of like an altered version of the MBTI, but it can be any personality test. Like a crazy outgoing extroverted and a homebody introvert who are both “normal” are going to be complete mysteries to each other and so on

 

[Rasputin]

Have you ever looked at the MBTI (Myers Briggs type indicator)? And I don’t like the way it’s used lumping people into only 16 categories, but I like parts of it and about the internal and external functions to a degree...but anyway, one thing about it that seems to be true is that certain types related to it are more common on places like this. I test INTP, and I have counted like 5 other INTPs on this forum.

People who have this combination of I, N and P seem to be often pretty verbal, even though they are introverts. A very high percentage of famous writers are considered to be INFP. Like google “famous infp writers” and you’ll see what I mean...there is this explanation about such things involving extroverted intuition that as much as it sounds unlikely, seems to have truth to it

But, anyway, you are and your wife kind of do seem to have different personalities tendencies.

Maybe you have sort of an unusual predicament of you get along because you both have autistic tendencies, but you don’t understand each other because you have different personality types????

And I kind of like an altered version of the MBTI, but it can be any personality test. Like a crazy outgoing extroverted and a homebody introvert who are both “normal” are going to be complete mysteries to each other and so on

I am an INTJ and my wife is an ISTJ. There is some difference in personality.

 

[Jumpback]

I am an INTJ and my wife is an ISTJ. There is some difference in personality.

I had thought that you were either INTJ or INTP and that she sounded definitely ISTJ.

But I don’t buy the system exactly as it is, like I think someone close to P, but an INTJ and someone close to J, but an INTP might be pretty similar. The system makes one percent one way be one category and one percent a different way be a different category. Like a 60% introvert and a 8% introvert might test the same but be far different.

I think my dad is an ISTJ and I’ve had two girlfriends who I think are ISTJ, maybe because I have such a high opinion of my dad, and although nothing holds true with this crazy simple system, there seems to be less comfort for ISTJs to explain themselves