Guys, don't get attached to women you meet online.

[AspieOtaku]

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Though not the case for all aspies (women in particular, as they typically have more advanced social skills), I think that love/dating is just not meant for most of us and is more so something that we seem to think we need because we live in a NT dominated world where everything we see and hear is of their making but unoficially and uknowingly meant for other NT people (no discrimination intended as many don't know what aspergers even is).

Your only real chance is with another aspie female, but because aspies vary so much more than NT's do, this in and of itself is no garuantee because you can sometimes have a lot to put up with or maybe you you'd simply prefer an NT partner because they'll be more exciting because they'll expose you to the life you've never been able to explore on your own, sadly NT women have little to no interest in aspie guys, but aspie women have a fair shot with NT guys (I know a few who are in such a relationship), though I'm not saying that it's all plain sailing.

 

[Vanadium50]

no discrimination intended as many don't know what aspergers even

People not knowing what Asperger is, that reminds me of late 1990-s. As of right now, almost everyone I talk to knows what Asperger is, and oftentimes even says they have close friend or relative that has it. But, as I think of that, I didn't feel that much ostracized back in 1990-s, so could this knowledge of Asperger be what contributes to ostracism? But then again back in the 1990-s I didn't have friends either, but that was more because I didn't want any, so whether or not I would have been able to make friends if I wanted to is up for speculation, plus I was a lot younger so a lot more was forgiven, plus my mom was picking clothes for me and making sure I was clean. Yeah so I guess I would never truly know how would I have been doing if I was 36 in the late 1990-s (as opposed to being 17 back then and 36 right now). But it is an interesting question how the increased social awareness of Asperger plays into all this.

Your only real chance is with another aspie female,

I dated female aspie once. Actually she was diagnosed with Asperger thanks to me: when I told her about my Asperger, she saw it in herself and went for evaluation and then they said yes she has it too. But she did have a diagnosis of bipolar several years prior to knowing me. In any case, the only thing I noticed is that she was very clingy when I weren't replying to her messages (and at the time I was in trouble at school so I simply didn't have time to reply to pages and pages of her writing when all I was trying to do was run around the department trying to fix my situation) and then when we met in person she appeared quite passive; I don't know if she was passive because of Asperger or because of her meds. But in any case she seemed a lot more passive in person than in the emails. Our relationship only lasted a couple of months and then she broke up with me. Overall I think that keeping her interested would have been a lot easier than keeping other girls interested, but thats precisely why I took her for granted which caused her to lose interest. And thats the pattern I am experiencing with NT girls as well: if the girl lowers her demand, then I take her for granted and lower my effort, so no matter what standard the girl has, I always fall "just" short of it and then complain why can't I have just a "little bit" more leeway so I can "fix my mistake".

But in any case, back to what you were originally saying, I would love to date some other aspie woman, but where would I find her? I mean statistically I won't expect that many aspies within the walking distance from where I live (I don't drive). Or are you saying I should join some sort of meetup group for aspies or something like that?

but because aspies vary so much more than NT's do, this in and of itself is no garuantee because you can sometimes have a lot to put up with

Yeah thats very true. My mom's landlord had a friend just a few days ago, and she mentioned someone who has Asperger. I said I have Asperger too, she was surprised and said she wouldn't ever know I had it because he is a lot more affected than me. I asked how, and she said he is 50 and still acts like my mom is his boss. And I said well my problem is different: my problem is I push people away by arguing too much. She asked what does it have to do with Asperger? And I asked what does his behavior has to do with Asperger? The fact is we are both affected but in a very different way, while each side assumes they are the typical Asperger and assumes other people with Asperger are the same, which is simply not true.

or maybe you you'd simply prefer an NT partner because they'll be more exciting because they'll expose you to the life you've never been able to explore on your own,

Yeah thats one of the main reason I want a relationship. But the sad thing is EVEN WHEN I did date NT girls (I had 8 months relationshp with S. and 2 years relationship with J.) neither of them "exposed me to life". In case of S. she was avoiding having me around her friends since they didn't like me. In case of J. she misinterpreted my comment "how nice that I was the only one invited to your birthday" as a statement that I don't like being around her friends, so throughout the 2 years we dated I only saw her friends maybe 5 times or so -- not because she was against it but because SHE THOUGHT that I was. But she never told me that until the end of a relationship and then when she finally did I felt I missed out since she just went out of the way not to do something I always wanted someone to do.

sadly NT women have little to no interest in aspie guys, but aspie women have a fair shot with NT guys (I know a few who are in such a relationship), though I'm not saying that it's all plain sailing.

Also true, which is kind of sad.

 

[watersprite]

Vanadium50
• Joining an aspie support group seems like a great start, although not guaranteed to be comfortable depending on who is attending.
• Also, it seems from reading your posts that you might enjoy (& eventually learn to be very good) at debate or at speaking in general.
• A group such as toastmasters is a welcoming place to begin to spread your wings socially, while at the same time meeting people from your community.

 

[Vanadium50]

Vanadium50
• Joining an aspie support group seems like a great start, although not guaranteed to be comfortable depending on who is attending.
• Also, it seems from reading your posts that you might enjoy (& eventually learn to be very good) at debate or at speaking in general.
• A group such as toastmasters is a welcoming place to begin to spread your wings socially, while at the same time meeting people from your community.

Do I have to pay for things like toastmasters? Because as it stands the university I go to refused to give me financial support and my mom pays my way (there is a reasonable chance for this to change next semester or next year we will see). But in any case I won't waste my mom's money on things like toastmasters especially if its expensive. But I guess if it is really cheap I might try and do that, in this case I can probably just eat a little less and my mom won't notice.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Ultimately you've had some previous experience dating (which is good, certainly more than I), but you're never gonna get a golden answer that's gonna solve all of your problems (no matter how much you potentially crave one or others on here kindly seek to offer one) and being encouraged by others to try this or do that doesn't change how other people did or didn't think of you either (sad, dissappointing, depressing, but true). If all members of aspie central were somehow able to meet together in real life then your chances would increase exponentially because for all those you'd disapprove of, hate or simply dislike, there'd be real friends and potential lovers to be had. It is sad that NT women (most likely uknowingly) don't feel inclined towards aspie guys (though hardly unsuprising given how we observe them to live their lives soooo differently, relative to us) but the more you understand these things, the easier a truth it is to accept (or at least that's how it is for me). Even on here though you'd probably get aspie women who were too uncertain or nervous to meet other people on here face to face or whom unintentionally beat about the bush rather than comitting to things.

Joining social clubs may in some ways help you (as a distraction or an educator) but it still might not address your possible inability to typically form meaningful relationships (or ones that can extend beyond the club and see to you meeting outisde of it. Me personally, I don't have expectations and I don't try to actively seek out anything in the way of relationships (certainly not romantic ones, though only as of recently) and I found that I was helped very much by slowly understanding more about how I differed from those I was trying to hook up with and how they behaved differentl;y towards eachother than I could towards them. Knowledge is power and a great comfort. I wouldn't recommend looking too hard because all the rejections will grind away at you until you fail to appreciate the few or one person (hopefully desireable) who eventually says yes and doesn't mess you around (as so many NT guys and girls seem to do (to you and to me once).

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

i guess the recent thread i started has a lot to do with this

 

[Totallysteff]

It's a bad idea. It doesn't matter their age, their location, their interests. 9 times out of 10, they really don't care about you. Why would they, they have some many men trying to talk to them. It's just the way it is. Don't make the same mistakes I have.

Shiznown, Is it possible that every failure is just a new step towards your soul match? Have you ever met someone, and been like if I had met you 10 years ago we wouldn't have liked each other? Timing, experience, exposure are all important. If we are having the experience, we were meant to have it to help us grow.

 

[nowwhat]

And the word DONE is the one word I have the most issues with. What is there to lose by hearing other sides of the story? But there is a lot to lose by BEING DONE if the decision you feel DONE about happens to be a wrong decision. The time it takes to discuss and reconsider is far shorter than whatever lifelong thing they are sacrificing in the name of being DONE.

Get a grip. There is no "lifelong thing", except maybe in your imagination. It's called being rejected. And it means that person is done with you. It's a fact of life. The only thing you can do is make tracks. If someone is not interested in you, they don't care about your side of the story and don't OWE you any more of their time. A relationship, any sort of relationship can only continue so long as both parties want it to. Once either individual decides it's over, it is over. That would be your, or my or any poor rejected git's cue to beat it. That's how it works. You really need to get this through your head if you ever hope to succeed in any relationship.

Frankly, this refusal to accept another individual's decision to end a relationship, has rather scary and unhealthy potential, especially considering the extremely dubious and, well, merely potential nature of these so-called relationships. I've been fortunate to have a few relationships in my life. I've been in love 6 times. I have been rejected, and have had to break off relationships. I know how this works. I have been married for 25 years and have kids. Accepting another person's desire to break it off with you is a basic element of respect for others. I can tell you that if some suitor was contacting my daughter, after she had told him not to, he would be in for a very unpleasant encounter with yours truly, especially if he started to get weird with her.

 

[GeoGuy]

And the word DONE is the one word I have the most issues with. What is there to lose by hearing other sides of the story? But there is a lot to lose by BEING DONE if the decision you feel DONE about happens to be a wrong decision. The time it takes to discuss and reconsider is far shorter than whatever lifelong thing they are sacrificing in the name of being DONE.

It always feels like "normal" people have such a huge abundance of friends that they can toss away any of them with ease.

With Aspies, we have few, so when they say they are done with us, it is hugely significant.

 

[Mathalamus]

It always feels like "normal" people have such a huge abundance of friends that they can toss away any of them with ease.

With Aspies, we have few, so when they say they are done with us, it is hugely significant.

i can vouch for that. the few friends i have are of immensely high quality and few in number. id love to keep each and every single one.

 

[paloftoon]

I only taking meeting in-person more seriously, or if someone actually did something that helped me. As they say, actions speak louder than words. If someone is so shy or scared that they can't meet you through websites where you are supposed to consider meeting, they probably aren't ready to date or even try to be friends through an online medium honestly.

 

[Tobs]

It's a bad idea. It doesn't matter their age, their location, their interests. 9 times out of 10, they really don't care about you. Why would they, they have some many men trying to talk to them. It's just the way it is. Don't make the same mistakes I have.

I find this a gross generalization based on anecdotal evidence. My gf of 6 years broke up with me recently. Does that mean I should regard the entire experience as a failure? If that is true, my "succes" rate in real life and online are the same: 0%. It might be easier to draw a big x and discard it all as a pipe dream. Or I can take from each individual experience and base my behaviour in the next attempt on what I perceive to be structural flaws I encountered.

Consider how much influence your pessimism may have on the outcome. Optimism and pessimism are essentially emotions that have been complicated through philosophy. Optimism is eagerness, pessimism is timidness.

 

[Shiznown]

I find this a gross generalization based on anecdotal evidence. My gf of 6 years broke up with me recently. Does that mean I should regard the entire experience as a failure? If that is true, my "succes" rate in real life and online are the same: 0%. It might be easier to draw a big x and discard it all as a pipe dream. Or I can take from each individual experience and base my behaviour in the next attempt on what I perceive to be structural flaws I encountered.

Consider how much influence your pessimism may have on the outcome. Optimism and pessimism are essentially emotions that have been complicated through philosophy. Optimism is eagerness, pessimism is timidness.

Yeah, that's BS. That's in the same vein as that book "The Secret", which no one talks about anymore because it doesn't work. Your mindset can affect your personality, but it doesn't affect things around you. Being optimistic, or pessimistic doesn't change the personality of someone else. The whole "think positive" thing is bs. What you need to do is use logic. Plus I'm tired of people saying this bs. I wrote this thread 2 years ago and I was trying to help other men to not make the mistakes I've made and I get a "Oh you're generalizing!". The truth of the matter if, most of the women using these dating sites, especially the free sites are just there to play games and are just there for an ego boost. Are there some on there that are legit, of course, but they're the exception. These sites are known more for hookups and for good reason. Dating sites used to be better, but most of the decent women have left them either because they have found someone, or because they got turned off by so many creepy guys sending them perverted messages.

 

[Mathalamus]

you are generalizing, though.

he truth of the matter if, most of the women using these dating sites, especially the free sites are just there to play games and are just there for an ego boost. Are there some on there that are legit, of course, but they're the exception.

this part, right there? generalizing an entire gender. how many women have you met? how many women from the dating sites did you talk to? how many of them turned out to be exactly as you describe them? how many of them are decent people? we need hard facts in order to know the truth of anything. you have not supplied any, and therefore, all of what you said is just hearsay, and should never be relied on.

 

[Shiznown]

you are generalizing, though.



this part, right there? generalizing an entire gender. how many women have you met? how many women from the dating sites did you talk to? how many of them turned out to be exactly as you describe them? how many of them are decent people? we need hard facts in order to know the truth of anything. you have not supplied any, and therefore, all of what you said is just hearsay, and should never be relied on.

Matt, who has more experience with women here? If you don't want to follow my advice, fine. You seem to be doing so well on your own. God forbid I try to help some people out. Also to answer your question, all of them were like that and the ones that were not, did not look like their profile picture. You guys act like it's just me saying this, when most of the guys on asperges forums have found out the same thing with dating sites. I've actually had girlfriend and the ones that latest were never found on dating sites. Some were found online, but not on dating sites.

 

[Mathalamus]

Matt, who has more experience with women here? If you don't want to follow my advice, fine. You seem to be doing so well on your own. God forbid I try to help some people out. Also to answer your question, all of them were like that and the ones that were not, did not look like their profile picture. You guys act like it's just me saying this, when most of the guys on asperges forums have found out the same thing with dating sites. I've actually had girlfriend and the ones that latest were never found on dating sites. Some were found online, but not on dating sites.

more generalizing without proof. and, like you, i have a considerable amount of experience, even though they all failed. the difference is, i know why it failed. it wasn't because they were using me. in fact, only one girl actively did that.

 

[tree]

This is a public thread.
A public thread is not the place for a private one-to-one debate.

The topic is the general concept of whether true attachment is
possible with people one has met on-line.

 

[Mathalamus]

its definitely possible to form a true attachment to people online, not even on dating sites. its just another medium on which to interact with people, after all. people form attachment over mail, over telegraphs, over radio, and so on. this is no different.

 

[tree]

My grandmother had a pen pal for years.
They even eventually met.
They were friends.

This was another woman, not a romantic interest.
Yes, it's possible to develop a friendship through
written material, I believe.