Guys, don't get attached to women you meet online.

[Shiznown]

It's a bad idea. It doesn't matter their age, their location, their interests. 9 times out of 10, they really don't care about you. Why would they, they have some many men trying to talk to them. It's just the way it is. Don't make the same mistakes I have.

 

[Mathalamus]

theoretically true, but its a somewhat cynical view of online relationships. i tend to be more hopeful. i had my share of failures, but at least i had them, and, for a time, they made me happy. i figure its better to be happy sometimes than to never try any online relationships.

if you truly beilive online relationships are not for you, then that's fine. how about online friends? its probably a better fit.

 

[Shiznown]

theoretically true, but its a somewhat cynical view of online relationships. i tend to be more hopeful. i had my share of failures, but at least i had them, and, for a time, they made me happy. i figure its better to be happy sometimes than to never try any online relationships.

if you truly beilive online relationships are not for you, then that's fine. how about online friends? its probably a better fit.

The point is, not to get your hopes up and to talk to women in person. This thread was made to inform young men, that they are better off talking to women in person. You just proved my point by stating you have had many failures and you didn't mention you had any success. This is not a thread meant for men to loose hope, but rather to encourage them to seek women out in person and not on sites where the odds are stacked heavily against them, or any online sites for that matter.

 

[Mathalamus]

The point is, not to get your hopes up and to talk to women in person. This thread was made to inform young men, that they are better off talking to women in person. You just proved my point by stating you have had many failures and you didn't mention you had any success. This is not a thread meant for men to loose hope, but rather to encourage them to seek women out in person and not on sites where the odds are stacked heavily against them, or any online sites for that matter.

you have a good point, it is better to talk to females in real life... if you are able to in the first place. some cannot do so. even some normal people have trouble. and, im sorry to disagree with you, but i feel talking to women online has the odds stacked heavily in my favor, and real life the opposite.

i haven't had any success, but i did date a girl, three times. it was quite pleasant, but the relationship ended due to online difficulties.

 

[Vanadium50]

you have a good point, it is better to talk to females in real life... if you are able to in the first place. some cannot do so. even some normal people have trouble. and, im sorry to disagree with you, but i feel talking to women online has the odds stacked heavily in my favor, and real life the opposite.

i haven't had any success, but i did date a girl, three times. it was quite pleasant, but the relationship ended due to online difficulties.

As someone who spent several years online, I had some success -- including relationships that lasted 2 years. But the success rate is very low. Basically it takes a year of failure before I run into 1 success. So "9 times out of 10 they don't care" is pretty accurate in my case. I think online was a big mistake because it wasted years out of my life. But then again the question is: would I have skills to get a girlfriend by other means any faster? I doubt it because my social skills are bad due to Asperger. And then the related question is: did I do badly online because its online or because of Asperger? I guess I would never find out. But it is what it is.

 

[Gabi]

I think online relationships can go either way. I mean, I have had a huge set of failures with guys online, but I also have found a handful of great guys, who are really worth the try. I have also found some really cool friends, whom I wouldn't change for anything in the world and it would have been very unlikely to find them in person, cause they don't live near me.

 

[Cali Cat]

As IRL, you must be careful and patient. Most people you meet in person don't care either.

I don't think matters how you meet, but rather that you are cautious with your feelings and alert to any red flags. For instance, if you get the feeling someone has "issues," pay close attention to that and don't dismiss it for the sake of giving the benefit of the doubt. It is a lot harder to discern a person's intentions online. Go with your gut feeling; it's usually right.

 

[Vanadium50]

As IRL, you must be careful and patient. Most people you meet in person don't care either.

I don't think matters how you meet, but rather that you are cautious with your feelings and alert to any red flags. For instance, if you get the feeling someone has "issues," pay close attention to that and don't dismiss it for the sake of giving the benefit of the doubt. It is a lot harder to discern a person's intentions online. Go with your gut feeling; it's usually right.

No, this is not a fair advice. What if someone had a bad day? That is PRECISELY why I spent so many years online with so little success. I have a bad day and boooommmmm the other person stops talking to me. Even if I have 10 good days and 1 bad day, all of a sudden 10 good days go down the trash because of that one bad day. You also said gut feelings are usually right. No they are not. Thats what Asperger is about: producing negative gut feelings in the other person and those gut feelings being wrong.

 

[Judge]

No, this is not a fair advice. What if someone had a bad day? That is PRECISELY why I spent so many years online with so little success. I have a bad day and boooommmmm the other person stops talking to me. Even if I have 10 good days and 1 bad day, all of a sudden 10 good days go down the trash because of that one bad day. You also said gut feelings are usually right. No they are not. Thats what Asperger is about: producing negative gut feelings in the other person and those gut feelings being wrong.

In the real world, you can't filter out Neurotypical social protocols that constitute 98% of all social interactions. That social majority is more likely to be completely indifferent to any considerations of "fairness" on the part of those on the spectrum. That in essence, in a superficial social interaction, if you piss someone off, it's more likely they'll simply walk away from you. No matter how many times before that you have had other superficial interactions with the same person.

Your challenge is to consider what it takes for you to socially advance to get beyond superficiality with that person who truly interests you. Part of that process involves paying attention to your own intuition about the person you're attempting to reach out to. Yes- gut feelings count if you want to take an interaction to the next step. IMO there's a simple social dynamic that's in play no matter what your neurology. That if you project being superficial, expect to be treated as such.

A total lack of intuition of others is not a blanket trait shared by all Aspies. Some of us have a lot of such intuition while others may lack it. And still others may be able to work on their own abilities to some degree. To be more vigilant about what they observe in the behavior of others through repetition and identifying patterns of behavior when and where possible.

 

[Tom]

If you want to increase your chances... do both.

 

[Vanadium50]

In the real world, you can't filter out Neurotypical social protocols that constitute 98% of all social interactions. That social majority is more likely to be completely indifferent to any considerations of "fairness" on the part of those on the spectrum. That in essence, in a superficial social interaction, if you piss someone off, it's more likely they'll simply walk away from you. No matter how many times before that you have had other superficial interactions with the same person.

Your challenge is to consider what it takes for you to socially advance to get beyond superficiality with that person who truly interests you. Part of that process involves paying attention to your own intuition about the person you're attempting to reach out to. Yes- gut feelings count if you want to take an interaction to the next step. IMO there's a simple social dynamic that's in play no matter what your neurology. That if you project being superficial, expect to be treated as such.

A total lack of intuition of others is not a blanket trait shared by all Aspies. Some of us have a lot of such intuition while others may lack it. And still others may be able to work on their own abilities to some degree. To be more vigilant about what they observe in the behavior of others through repetition and identifying patterns of behavior when and where possible.

Thats an interesting point. It reminds me of two year long distance relationship I had online where I only met her in person twice. Now my mom never took that relationship seriously because it was long distance, and when she broke up with me my mom was like "you didn't lose anything, you didn't have a relationship to begin with, so you knew each other, so what" and I was like "yes it was a relationship I mean we both called it that and neither of us had anyone else" and my mom was like "so what?"

But I guess in above case scenario my mom simply didn't know her. Somewhat more interesting situations would be where I only knew a girl for a couple of weeks (as opposed to two years) and then the girl herself, as opposed to my mom, said something along those lines. But even then its hard to believe, because if it was as little as she makes it out to be, then whats up with the way she was messaging me non-stop all day and telling me how much she loves me? I guess you COULD say that she was pretending to feel things that she didn't, but somehow I am more inclined to believe that yes she felt those things but then she lied that she didn't in order for me to stop pestering her with emails on trying to get back. But of course I could be wrong. Whats your take on it?

I guess the only situations where its easy to see that you might be right are the cases where the relationship wasn't discussed on the first place and I just met someone in church or wherever. I guess the reason I hurt so easily is that FOR ME those situations are not superficial simply because I am lonely and desperate so anything and everything can be a straw to grasp to get me out of the loneliness. But since others aren't lonely, they view it as superficial so we are simply not on the same page in those cases.

Its interesting though that you used a phrase that I "project superficiality". How would it be possible if I just pointed out how I don't view it superficial on my end? Or do you mean by "projecting" something else, as in I might view it as the most important interaction in the world, but since others are not mind readers they wrongly decide that it is superficial (either because of the outside setting or else because of some non-verbal things I miscommunicate)?

 

[Judge]

Its interesting though that you used a phrase that I "project superficiality". How would it be possible if I just pointed out how I don't view it superficial on my end?

If you talk to the same person ten times and it only takes once for them to abandon you, it's quite likely. That whatever you were discussing up to that point couldn't have been particularly important to them.

Bottom line- It's not how you construe something as superficial, but rather the person you are conversing with. You have to work on attempting to read them to some degree, otherwise people are more likely to just disappoint you.

When attempting to reach out to someone, it's best to consider that it's all about them at the time. Not about you.

 

[Cali Cat]

No, this is not a fair advice. What if someone had a bad day? That is PRECISELY why I spent so many years online with so little success. I have a bad day and boooommmmm the other person stops talking to me. Even if I have 10 good days and 1 bad day, all of a sudden 10 good days go down the trash because of that one bad day.

I don't believe I said anywhere that someone should "stop talking" to a person because of red flags. Just be aware of what you're getting yourself into. Don't be willingly blind to possible problems. If enough issues come to your awareness; then yes, it might be time to cut off communication because that person is obviously not going to be able to participate in a mutually satisfying relationship IRL if they cannot do it online.

You also said gut feelings are usually right. No they are not. Thats what Asperger is about: producing negative gut feelings in the other person and those gut feelings being wrong.

To a degree, you are correct. People with Asperger's often produce negative feelings in others. Typically, in NTs. I'm of the mind that if I produce negative feelings in someone, there's no point in continuing the communication because I am not right for that person, nor is he right for me. I don't care to be "given a chance" to prove myself. I prefer to be accepted on my own terms by someone who appreciates my particular brand of weird.

 

[Vanadium50]

I don't believe I said anywhere that someone should "stop talking" to a person because of red flags. Just be aware of what you're getting yourself into. Don't be willingly blind to possible problems. If enough issues come to your awareness; then yes, it might be time to cut off communication because that person is obviously not going to be able to participate in a mutually satisfying relationship IRL if they cannot do it online.

How do you know what that person "is not going" to be able to do? You don't know that other person! Sure, the interaction IRL might be more difficult, but you forgot the other factor, namely, that the other person will LEARN more about you and, as a result, will be able to handle things better. Thats what bothers me the most about people: they assume I can't learn and that I am immovable. Well they don't know it -- so why not give me a chance?

To a degree, you are correct. People with Asperger's often produce negative feelings in others. Typically, in NTs. I'm of the mind that if I produce negative feelings in someone, there's no point in continuing the communication because I am not right for that person, nor is he right for me. I don't care to be "given a chance" to prove myself. I prefer to be accepted on my own terms by someone who appreciates my particular brand of weird.

How do you know you won't be right for each other once you spend some time and effort learning what each other's quirks are? The whole assumption that the two people either click within the first couple of days or they are just not right for each other at all is totally flawed. There is a lot more to the person than can be learned within a couple of days.

 

[Cali Cat]

How do you know what that person "is not going" to be able to do? You don't know that other person! Sure, the interaction IRL might be more difficult, but you forgot the other factor, namely, that the other person will LEARN more about you and, as a result, will be able to handle things better. Thats what bothers me the most about people: they assume I can't learn and that I am immovable. Well they don't know it -- so why not give me a chance?



How do you know you won't be right for each other once you spend some time and effort learning what each other's quirks are? The whole assumption that the two people either click within the first couple of days or they are just not right for each other at all is totally flawed. There is a lot more to the person than can be learned within a couple of days.

You're messin' with me, right?

 

[Vanadium50]

You're messin' with me, right?

No thats a serious question -- the one I have for a long list of girls that rejected me to which none of them gave me satisfactory answer.

 

[Mathalamus]

if no satisfactory answer exists for why they got rid of you, make one up. you get closure that way.

 

[Vanadium50]

if no satisfactory answer exists for why they got rid of you, make one up. you get closure that way.

If no satisfactory answer exists, then why would they make life altering decisions that make no sense? Don't they worry how THEY might lose a potentially wonderful situation by not giving it a chance?

As far as making it up, yeah I made up lots of possible answers, but it would have been nice to hear their real reasoning instead of made up one.

 

[Cali Cat]

if no satisfactory answer exists for why they got rid of you, make one up. you get closure that way.

That's what most people have to do if they want closure. When someone is done with you, they rarely care to stick around long enough to let you in on the details.

 

[Vanadium50]

That's what most people have to do if they want closure. When someone is done with you, they rarely care to stick around long enough to let you in on the details.

And the word DONE is the one word I have the most issues with. What is there to lose by hearing other sides of the story? But there is a lot to lose by BEING DONE if the decision you feel DONE about happens to be a wrong decision. The time it takes to discuss and reconsider is far shorter than whatever lifelong thing they are sacrificing in the name of being DONE.