My family was aware I had (and still have) mental illnesses and stuff. They still support me and even if I acted out (anger and frustration outburst. Never physically at others! But verbally...) as soon as my head got clearer I apologized. (Not wanting them to think my behaviour is their fault.)(but since things happen...other family members dont seem to understand this as well today...life got difficult. I guess only my mom understood me enough. Shes gone now, so im basically just a "lazy angry freak" now and not a "human" anymore.)
Well, but even knowing im just having stress and depression, my mom still sometimes felt like Im fighting some sort of demon, that keeps me from going forward...which was not really helpfull, because I constantly developed myself and knew that im still going forward, even if I sometimes fell back, I still got better. No matter how slow it was.
Its just... my sudden outbursts, which get triggered my misunderstanding me and me constantly begging to just start listening and trusting me... uhm...
In short, my sudden "mood changes"/"-irrational- anger" and frustration that exploded because it was just too much piled up, made it seem for others, as if Im posessed by something evil that keeped tearing me down and let me explode.
From the outside it must haved looked like that. But from the inside it was clear that it was a reaction to the outside and the misunderstanding of howI I function as a human being. (That has autism, which means I react faster/slower to certain things then others do.)
My mother never said it out f menace, but out of worry and love for me.
No matter how much I assured her that Im fine and just need some distraction and time to calm down. The demon thing never really left her mind. Until she died.
I dont feel possed by a supernatural being, but by my frustration and hate that build up my entire life. Hate feels sickening, its horrible. The thing is... no matter how happy i am, the hate gets build up again and again as soon as others start to compare me to others again.
Uts a constant battle. And i havent learned yet to not value the words of my loved ones if its harmfull to me.
They dont mean harm, they are just worry and dont trust me at all.
Hard conditions to learn to accept oneself. There are alot of verbal fights.
Somehow i feel like a demon that terrorizes the ones i love. I try so hard to change, but to still be who i am... its not easy if one is the only one to care. Why do i love my idiots that lack insight.
Well, im weak for idiots. But its such a pain in the aaaaaa-
Ah. There is something else too.
There was a weird Lady that called my mother a satan. Which made me oddly happy, because in my opinion a satan isnt an entity that tries to wreck you, but to test you, dedicated to god (whatever people see as god. The universe, or some perfect being or belief system, not important!!!)
And to think, to be a spawn of that meaning, to be kinda one myself was magnificent to me. (Except that my mom felt hurt by that statement of this mean delusional lady. My mom was an angel! Kindest woman I ever knew!)
I like to test the thoughts of people, to see how open minded they can be. And if they are just doing what other tells them to do, or if they decided on their own, what to think and do. Its interesting tk see if they get annoyed and accuse you to be evil (even tho you just keep asking questions and watching their reaction!).
To watch them. To see. If they do or not.
Not mindlessly following what an old book or random religion says, but to understand the message and its meaning. To see if they are able to grasp whats really important, or not.
(I have a hard time to indentify if im religious or not. Because in my own way im probably very religious. But im not religious the way some weirdos are. Weirdos who discriminate and hate, just because they believe in an outdated book that was written and abused and manipulated by some people, who some might had ulterior intentions, written for some people for several reasons. Some might good some not.
lm not stupid enough to hate someone just because hes somehow 'different' then the "pseudo average" or me. Im not discriminating others just because a book tells me too for unspecified reasons, which is so old one can interpred it how they want, even in way that are forbiden. Thats nuts. At least to me its nuts. I have a brain, i like to use it.) (Ps.: im pretty sure those super conversative christians have no idea that they (the ones that get mastruations) have to offer a sacrifice everytime their periods are over. Its writen in the bible. In Levicus.
And when a guy shoots his goo hes considert unclean at least for a day and has to take a bath. Its the rule. Theres sooo much weird stuff in it <some, im sure out of hygenic and medical stuff, is to prevent infectious diseasses, like HIV or TB. well they basicaly say that out right.> like not sitting on the same chair as a woman on her periods...cuz its uncleaaaaaan!!! Its kinda a stretch, but there were older times. They just saw some things and assumed and were sometimes close and sometimes not.
But at least they tried.
... but those converative today are all over the place acting like the bible is the only truth, but they dont even do the stuff thats written in it. Dudes, if you want to be so weirdly commited, to be such annoying, discriminating, irrational people, then commit to the weird menstruation and men goo stuff tooo. And dare not to have fun in the bed in the adult way unless you do a child. CUZ THIS IS LUST. so its a baddie sin.
and you want to be a good sheep...<i apologize for the ridicule. Im just so feed up with their selectivness and weird stubborness. it makes sooo not sense. >)
..oh theres also alot that hints on to prevent psychological problems in the bible, and so. Its actually quit interesting to read religious books to look at it in a medical and psychological way...im drifing away from the topic again.
Well... in short.
Im human. Not demon.
Was called demon.
Indirectly also called a spawn of satan, which fits in the old meaning of the word. (Not the evil warped version of meaning today!)
....I also was called a goblin at one point as child, for some reason. ...no, I have no idea why.