The Phantom
Well-Known Member
Hello everyone,
so just to preface this I am thirteen years old (in case that clears up anything). Yes, I know I'm a bit young to be on a forum (to some of you) but I really need help. And here's why. Note: This is gonna be really disorganized, with really bad spelling (despite being a good Language Arts student) Sorry. I'll try and edit it later, but I need to do this ASAP, hence the typos/slopiness.
I display several OCD-like qualities (Routines. rituals, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, hoarding). So does my brother. My father also says he has OCD, and as well as a lot of his siblings and as well as his parents. They are not diagnosed, because they were born in a much less developed country in the sense of mental health care. Anyhow, for as along as I can remember he has told us that my brother and I have OCD. And I believe him, especially because of the family history (or at least family history of symptoms). After doing much research I have concluded that some of my behaviors are caused by OCD. Note: Some of my behaviors.
I also thought I had ADD, and my dad said he had it too.
I came across Sensory Processing Disorder, and also found that it fit me. While there were some sensory issues, I fit most with the emotional and social aspects.
But lots of disorders have overlapping symptoms, and so I searched if it was possible to have all three of the disorders I thought I had (OCD, ADD, SPD).
However, it seemed that some of the symptoms were so similar it was a bit unlikely, however this is only my unprofessional opinion.
Anyhow, my school did a service day a few months ago, where we we played and did activities with a school for mentally handicapped children (if this is not a correct term, I apologize, but it's the only term I can think of at the moment). To prepare for the day, one of our teachers did a presentation on the school and the kids they taught. They talked about Autism, Downsyndrome, and Aspergers, even though there wouldn't be any kids with Aspergers, but kids who were on the other side of the spectrum. When they talked about Aspergers, she mentioned how it was less obvious, obsessions, and Savants, all that jazz. Now, I have told my best friend about my OCD, but also about my other problems that aren't catergorized under any disorder. Well, some of the basic descriptions she gave of Aspergers fitted me, and my friend and I jokingly exchanged glances whenever she said something that fit.
Moving on to the actual day, there were a variety of different behaviours displayed by the children there. I distinctly remember one kid who has extremely hyper, and constantly head-butted me in the back, which all the kids found hilarious. I also remember another boy who was crying and hated to be touched and was scared by the other kids. My partner and I got a little girl who would have a death grip on my hand and constantly rub her face against my arms like my cat, which REALLY made me uncomfortable. When I was a toddler I used to kiss people and hug, but not very long after I became very uncomfortable with hugging or kissing people on the cheek/being kissed on the cheek. Some people think I'm snobby, my parents just think I'm a bit odd haha. But yeah, I didn't want to be mean to the little girl, because her needs were greater than mine, but I really hated having her rub against me.
Anyway, they set up a huge playground with a bunch of cool toys for the kids to play with. My kid just took a cone that was in the corner and sat down on a mat at the back, and would only play with that, which I found oddly relatable. Well, not exactly that, but it was definitely something I could do. I could just sit in the corner and daydream, which I usually prefer to do during P.E. or any games or sports. I also found some very slight similarities between me and some of the kids, mostly like rocking. I found myself standing against a pillar and just banging against into it repeatedly. This wasn't the first time I've done this, but it was the first time I realized exactly what I was doing, and how similar it was to the behaviors of a kid on the spectrum. I also jiggle my legs during class, which I've always noticed. Also during lunch, my two friends who were my partners for the day left me in charge of the girl (as in making me sit next to her). She didn't know how to use untensils, and didn't even pick up the food with her hands. I didn't really want to help her eat, not trying to be mean, but... I don't know how to explain it. I just felt uncomfortable for me, caring for another kid. And then a teacher got mad and saying that we weren't taking care of her, and started feeding her, saying this is how to treat them. I felt ashamed sitting near the teacher and having her say that. I know she meant well, and couldn't possibly now my reasons for feeling this way, but I still felt terrible.
But only recently have I started to realize these are not normal things. This day is where I started to consider if I had an ASD, because of the kind of other weird habits I had I could see in the other kids too. After doing some research, I found Aspeger syndrome a highly possible explanation. However, I can't ask my parents to get screened. Because they think it's impossible I have Aspergers. They blame everything on either my OCD, or just fault of my character/laziness. And my mom thinks I'm not 'awkward', so she thinks I can't have it. She said herself 'You don't have aspergers. You're not awkward'. I know my parents mena well, but they are very ignorant when it comes to this. They think they've read enough on mental illness, when in reality they haven't
Symptoms: I'm going to talk about all my 'suspicious' habits that I think could help you help me. Even if some of the things are not symptoms, I'll add them just in case. OK, so here we go.
Let's just get this out of the way: I am EXTREMELY sensitive. I've cried over literal spilled milk. My reasoning was that my mother gave it to me, and it was kinda like a gift, but hen I spilled it. Hey, I was about 7. But still. That was my kinda logic. But I cry very easily. When people talk to me sternly, when people yell at my class, even when it's not at me. I also get irrationally sad when another kid (one of my friends, usually a boy) gets in trouble. Not in tourble excactly, but even when someone is like 'Don't do that' I get sad, even if they couldn't care less, no matter how mild it is. It's very odd. Teachers have mentions how I have a 'Deer in the headlights' look when they are talking to me in a serious way. Any form of authority tends to make me nevrous, no matter how benign they are. When teachers express annoyance or disappointment I feel sad for a good portion of the day. I also suffer from low self-esteem but that's a topic for another time, However, you can bet I cry about that too, but not as much as the silly things.
However, I DO NOT cry at sad movies, books, or other things. I don't cry at homecoming videos, or proposals nothing. I've only ever cried once when a friend moved away, and that was a good chunk of my friends. I saw my best friend for the last time, and I didn't bat an eye. When people tell me sad things, I just go like 'Oh' or something like that because i don't know what to say. I seem extremely un empathetic when my friend tells me about a sick parent or relative, and I come across as heartless, despite what I describes in the previous paragraph. People don't see it when I feel sad. But I cry when it's unexpected. don't cry when I'm expected of others to show emotion. That puts people off sometimes.
When my parents reprimand me, I often feel tears. It's been this was since as long as I can remember, only I was expected to grow out of it, cause I'm thirteen now. but I'm still a crybaby. And my parents have gotten so tired of it they've told me to just go and cry, or that I cry for every single thing.
I am also incredibly irritable. My cat bites for no reason and chases after me when I'm trying to relax, and i scream at him. I kicked him once, and my mom went ballistic. I know it's terrible of me to do that, but i can't control it. I yell back at my mom a lot when I think she's being unreasonable, cause she yells a lot. No, this is not me being a typical teen. She actually does. When I try to explain something to her, she says 'You're so argumentative!'. My dad has called me a smart@$$ before (censoring in case of rules). Because I talk back. I often swear at my mom when she's not listening when she yells at me to do stuff. FYI, I HATE being interrupted when I'm watching a video or listening to music. I get into a zone, and when my mom tries to talk to me about random stuff or yells at me to do my work I get extremely mad. I clench my muscles and groan and act very weird. It's an almost wired physical reaction. Sometimes, I cry when I have to go out, cause I was in the middle of something. I need to be told and have time to prepare in advance to go out, or I'll either get angry or cry. I refused to go to dinner the other day because my parents told me to just get dressed and go, but I was sweaty and feeling unclean and I refused to do it, because I wasn't allowed to shower.
A Note: I am currently suffering by a form of depression some way or the other. I don't really know where it came form, but I have a hunch where it's from. More on this later. Although, sometimes I get very giddy with exitment, only to be shot down by sadness. MOre on this another time.
School:- I fail math, and struggle in science. I do ok in science depending on which subject. But Math I always do bad in. Because I never pay any attention when the concepts are explained. This is what led me ot believe I had ADD, along with the foot jiggling. I'm good at language, depending ono the teacher. I'm also good at Social Studies, but I am bad at turning in assignments (as with all my classes).
Music - I do very well in band class usually, getting meeting and exceeding grades (I play trombone) Even though I hate the class, because it's boring. I usually ace my tests, even though I only ever practice about twice a year when my parents force me to It's weird. I can pass a test by using only the 5 minutes of prep time before the test.
However, I play piano as a well, but I struggle with it. I can play hands separate fluently, but when I pay with both hands I'm terrible. It takes me a few moths to play a very easy piece solidly.
School: What I'm good at - One of my two best subjects in Language Arts. I greatly enjoy reading and writing, and I am currently working on some writing pieces at the moments. Anyhow, I almost never get a less-than-average grade in Language Arts. For the sake of keeping this short, I wont' go further. If you wish, I will write more later.
However, my biggest hobby would probably be performing arts. I am greatly involved in my schools Drama program, taking part in school plays and musicals, which my Drama Teacher says I'm very good in. I also an a dancer. This is where my parents start to refuse the idea of aspergers. They think that people with Aspergers are too shy to do Drama work or something of the sort. But believe me, I egt as nervous as anybody, because I feel people will laugh at me for the way I deliver my lines. It doesn't help that I liked a boy in my class, but that's besides the point. I get nervous that EVERYONE will think I'm weird.
Social Life: I can function quite normally at school, but I'm shyer than people think. I usually look people in the eyes only briefly, and focus on either the floor/wall, or another point of their face to mimci eye-contact. This is usually more with boys, even though I don't have any romantic feelings for them. I mean, even if I don't have romantic feelings for them. I act the samea round a boy I have a crush on. I also Don't like talking too much, because I don't like my voice (Very deep for a young girl) and it gets loud unintentionally.And because of how odd it is when it's coming form me, people usually look at me when I'm talking (I mean pretty intensely, and I hate it). But sometimes I'll rattle on and don't realize people are getting bored or fed up. I also hate sall tlak and don't ask people things for the sake of conversation. But mostly I hate it when people expect me to answer. I have a friend who's a small-talker and I loiek her a lot, but it drives me NUTS. I'm scared to approach people who I think are more popular than me, even though I sit with the popular girls at lunch (though I am not popular myself.) But it gets so awkward trying to carry on conversation. I leave as soon as I'm done eating to go to the library and go on my computer or read. I usually prefer to eat lunch in the bathroom, which I've been doing recently. It's just less awkward.
But I don't like going to the gym or outside, especially wearing certain clothes, because I think people are judging me constantly. I wear pretty androgynous/ boyish clothes, and I am quite a tomboy. I enjoy wearing dresses in moderation, but I feel people I'm silly for wearing them. I feel more comfortable in public with more boyish clothes. I feel like people take me more seriously. I also wear the same few T-shirts for various reasons. More on that if you're interested.
I also have friends that are mostly boys. I have friends that are girls, but less. I get along with boys better. Most of the boys in my school find me pretty cool, and I make friends with lots of boys of either older or younger grades.
However, I struggle to initiate friendships, because of my shyness. I recall once seeing a group of kids in my school musical laughing and goofing off before the show (they are a grade/year above me) and going ot the bathroom and crying hysterically because I didn't have friends like that. I think this is a contributing factor to my depression.
Issues/Obsessions:
I have an slight computer addiction. It's what I do most of the time until my parents kick me off. I get up everyday (on a non-school day) and go on my computer first thing. I used to read and draw for hours, until my I got addicted. I have a group of videos I watch everyday, but I always put off watching them because I watch others (due to side/recommended videos) causing me to stay up really late, because I NEED to finish the videos. This is where my OCD rituals differed from my other routines. Because these were not done out of anxiety, but something else. I also have a folder of pictures of fantasy aspects (Heaven+hell, knights,the cosmos that sort of stuff) I have these videos and pictures because like I said I am a writer (well, kinda) and I feel these things help my creative flow and get the tone I want for the story. Most of these youtube videos are of Phantom of the Opera. Weird, I know. I don't really know how to explain. I will go more in-depth on my Phantom obsession in the correct forum. I anyone of you are interested, please tell me and I will give you the link once it's finished.
I have a fantasy/medieval obsession. I used to LOVE playing games where my friends and I would just create a world in our minds and pretend to be different characters. I was usually a Knight/Viking or some kind of rough and tough character. I just loved the imagination used in the game, and how anything was possible, but most of all because it was with my friends. I'm still pretty young, but I miss that TERRIBLY. I hope maybe next school year I can convince some of my friends ( If I have any. My best (girl)friend is moving. I still have my best guy friend, fortunately.) Luckily, some of my friends are still obsessed with Marvel, DC< and anythign in between. One of my best friends is obsessed with Batman, who he claims to be numerous times. My other friend used to call himself Venom.
I also like listening to medieval music and looking at costumes. Long story short, anything related to those kind of aspects. I also enjoy video games. I'm not a gamer girl per say, but I do enjoy the good old Xbox. Probably because I ave an older brother.
My building got renovated, and I was incredibly mad. I hated how they were changing it. I wanted it to be the same. I wanted to make sure I had pictures of the building before they changed it. Even when they changed the security code button pad I was bummed.
I am weirdly drawn to what others consider macabre. I read lot's of horror ( I have a book of the best of H.P. Lovecraft). I also have a fascination with elements of death, and hell. Some of the aspects of this might stem from my OCD, others probably not. It's not an anxious way. I'm not scared of it. I find it, for a lack of better words, epic. I just find it so amazing. Tell me if you're interested in learning more about this.
This obsession if funny, thought. When I was young I was scared to death of the crucifix (didn't help living in a Catholic family
)
OH! To add on to this, I was scared of rosaries. I was scared of the crucifix, but also hated the beads+chain. I've always had a problem with necklace chains, but I don't know why. I hate the way they feel, and the look, and everything. I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps I'll talk more abuo it later. But I refuse to wear them. SOME are ok, bust most I can't stand. It bothers me too much. I don't like them touching any of my belongings, or I feel like they become 'tainted'
Anyway, my horror fixation is not only odd because of the crucifix issue. I used to be a total girly-girl, and read books about puppies and kittens and fairies, even when I outgrew them. Funny enough, I still like them AND the whole horror thing. I like both a lot, and it's weird. My room still has the smiley flowers and butterflies from when I was in 1st grade. I'm too embarrassed to let anyone in my room, bu I don't really wanna change it. Not just for stability. I like it. I stilll watch shows for little kids, be it shows for actual babies/toddlers of for 7 year olds. I watched them proudly still about 4th grade (Hannah Montana was a favourite LOL), and then watched them in private. I still watch Disney Channel shows (the good ones, mind you
)
In short, I have a weird fixation with either horribly adult themes (Things like Jack the Ripper) or ridiculously juvenile ( I recall checking out a book called 'The Playful Puppy' in grade 4 and being asked in front of the class to return it. *Shivers*)
Almost done, I promise!
I used to think all things had souls. Well, most things at least. Main things. I think part of this is my OCD, but possibly part due to my possible Aspergers syndrome. I don't really know. But i used ot get sad when any inanimate object was neglected, or thrown out. I used to feel sorry for it, and tell it that I loved them. ESPECIALLY if they had a face. A face made it all the mroe real to me, and hurt me even more. It's excruciating for me to chuck out anything that is a character, or looks like it could be a living creature. I think this contributes to my hoarding issue.
OkK, my most shameful obsession. I have a slight obsession with people. But unfortunate, it's boys only. And I don't even like them romantically. I have a sketchbook (well, I have many) and I've gone onto the school website, found their school photos, and drew them. I'm just weirdly fascinated by them Like I said before, I write, and I've started to mold characters after them (I've talked to them before and know their general personality). I wish I could monitor who they date, because I feel like they only deserve the best. I usually end up disliking their girlfriends and hoping that they'll break up (which usually happens. They are middle/high schoolers lol) And it's not only for a certain group, I feel that way with a lot of my male friends who I'm not attracted to. Not all of them, but quite a lot. But it's not a motherly kind of worry. It's not a jealous crush way either. I don't know how to feel about it.
I don't know why I feel this way, or how, or anything.
I'm just, in short, just truly drawn to them. I don't know why. Like anything else, I am willing to tlak more about this. Just not on this post. It's long enough as is.
OK! We're done!!!
So, if you got through this, hats off to you, I'm impressed. I wouldn't make it through this So, if you've read this. Please tell me what you think. Do I sound like I could be an Aspie? What do you think about my symptoms? What category do you think I fall under, even if you think I'm normal, I need your advice.
Unfortunately, I've become so miserable at home I WANT to have Aspergers. Cause then people wills top treating me like I'm just a bad person/ a run-of-the-mill emo angsty lazy teen.
Well, on that happy note please reply! Any feedback is appreciated, and thank you for taking the time out of your day to even glance at this!
Thank you!
so just to preface this I am thirteen years old (in case that clears up anything). Yes, I know I'm a bit young to be on a forum (to some of you) but I really need help. And here's why. Note: This is gonna be really disorganized, with really bad spelling (despite being a good Language Arts student) Sorry. I'll try and edit it later, but I need to do this ASAP, hence the typos/slopiness.
I display several OCD-like qualities (Routines. rituals, ruminations, intrusive thoughts, hoarding). So does my brother. My father also says he has OCD, and as well as a lot of his siblings and as well as his parents. They are not diagnosed, because they were born in a much less developed country in the sense of mental health care. Anyhow, for as along as I can remember he has told us that my brother and I have OCD. And I believe him, especially because of the family history (or at least family history of symptoms). After doing much research I have concluded that some of my behaviors are caused by OCD. Note: Some of my behaviors.
I also thought I had ADD, and my dad said he had it too.
I came across Sensory Processing Disorder, and also found that it fit me. While there were some sensory issues, I fit most with the emotional and social aspects.
But lots of disorders have overlapping symptoms, and so I searched if it was possible to have all three of the disorders I thought I had (OCD, ADD, SPD).
However, it seemed that some of the symptoms were so similar it was a bit unlikely, however this is only my unprofessional opinion.
Anyhow, my school did a service day a few months ago, where we we played and did activities with a school for mentally handicapped children (if this is not a correct term, I apologize, but it's the only term I can think of at the moment). To prepare for the day, one of our teachers did a presentation on the school and the kids they taught. They talked about Autism, Downsyndrome, and Aspergers, even though there wouldn't be any kids with Aspergers, but kids who were on the other side of the spectrum. When they talked about Aspergers, she mentioned how it was less obvious, obsessions, and Savants, all that jazz. Now, I have told my best friend about my OCD, but also about my other problems that aren't catergorized under any disorder. Well, some of the basic descriptions she gave of Aspergers fitted me, and my friend and I jokingly exchanged glances whenever she said something that fit.
Moving on to the actual day, there were a variety of different behaviours displayed by the children there. I distinctly remember one kid who has extremely hyper, and constantly head-butted me in the back, which all the kids found hilarious. I also remember another boy who was crying and hated to be touched and was scared by the other kids. My partner and I got a little girl who would have a death grip on my hand and constantly rub her face against my arms like my cat, which REALLY made me uncomfortable. When I was a toddler I used to kiss people and hug, but not very long after I became very uncomfortable with hugging or kissing people on the cheek/being kissed on the cheek. Some people think I'm snobby, my parents just think I'm a bit odd haha. But yeah, I didn't want to be mean to the little girl, because her needs were greater than mine, but I really hated having her rub against me.
Anyway, they set up a huge playground with a bunch of cool toys for the kids to play with. My kid just took a cone that was in the corner and sat down on a mat at the back, and would only play with that, which I found oddly relatable. Well, not exactly that, but it was definitely something I could do. I could just sit in the corner and daydream, which I usually prefer to do during P.E. or any games or sports. I also found some very slight similarities between me and some of the kids, mostly like rocking. I found myself standing against a pillar and just banging against into it repeatedly. This wasn't the first time I've done this, but it was the first time I realized exactly what I was doing, and how similar it was to the behaviors of a kid on the spectrum. I also jiggle my legs during class, which I've always noticed. Also during lunch, my two friends who were my partners for the day left me in charge of the girl (as in making me sit next to her). She didn't know how to use untensils, and didn't even pick up the food with her hands. I didn't really want to help her eat, not trying to be mean, but... I don't know how to explain it. I just felt uncomfortable for me, caring for another kid. And then a teacher got mad and saying that we weren't taking care of her, and started feeding her, saying this is how to treat them. I felt ashamed sitting near the teacher and having her say that. I know she meant well, and couldn't possibly now my reasons for feeling this way, but I still felt terrible.
But only recently have I started to realize these are not normal things. This day is where I started to consider if I had an ASD, because of the kind of other weird habits I had I could see in the other kids too. After doing some research, I found Aspeger syndrome a highly possible explanation. However, I can't ask my parents to get screened. Because they think it's impossible I have Aspergers. They blame everything on either my OCD, or just fault of my character/laziness. And my mom thinks I'm not 'awkward', so she thinks I can't have it. She said herself 'You don't have aspergers. You're not awkward'. I know my parents mena well, but they are very ignorant when it comes to this. They think they've read enough on mental illness, when in reality they haven't
Symptoms: I'm going to talk about all my 'suspicious' habits that I think could help you help me. Even if some of the things are not symptoms, I'll add them just in case. OK, so here we go.
Let's just get this out of the way: I am EXTREMELY sensitive. I've cried over literal spilled milk. My reasoning was that my mother gave it to me, and it was kinda like a gift, but hen I spilled it. Hey, I was about 7. But still. That was my kinda logic. But I cry very easily. When people talk to me sternly, when people yell at my class, even when it's not at me. I also get irrationally sad when another kid (one of my friends, usually a boy) gets in trouble. Not in tourble excactly, but even when someone is like 'Don't do that' I get sad, even if they couldn't care less, no matter how mild it is. It's very odd. Teachers have mentions how I have a 'Deer in the headlights' look when they are talking to me in a serious way. Any form of authority tends to make me nevrous, no matter how benign they are. When teachers express annoyance or disappointment I feel sad for a good portion of the day. I also suffer from low self-esteem but that's a topic for another time, However, you can bet I cry about that too, but not as much as the silly things.
However, I DO NOT cry at sad movies, books, or other things. I don't cry at homecoming videos, or proposals nothing. I've only ever cried once when a friend moved away, and that was a good chunk of my friends. I saw my best friend for the last time, and I didn't bat an eye. When people tell me sad things, I just go like 'Oh' or something like that because i don't know what to say. I seem extremely un empathetic when my friend tells me about a sick parent or relative, and I come across as heartless, despite what I describes in the previous paragraph. People don't see it when I feel sad. But I cry when it's unexpected. don't cry when I'm expected of others to show emotion. That puts people off sometimes.
When my parents reprimand me, I often feel tears. It's been this was since as long as I can remember, only I was expected to grow out of it, cause I'm thirteen now. but I'm still a crybaby. And my parents have gotten so tired of it they've told me to just go and cry, or that I cry for every single thing.
I am also incredibly irritable. My cat bites for no reason and chases after me when I'm trying to relax, and i scream at him. I kicked him once, and my mom went ballistic. I know it's terrible of me to do that, but i can't control it. I yell back at my mom a lot when I think she's being unreasonable, cause she yells a lot. No, this is not me being a typical teen. She actually does. When I try to explain something to her, she says 'You're so argumentative!'. My dad has called me a smart@$$ before (censoring in case of rules). Because I talk back. I often swear at my mom when she's not listening when she yells at me to do stuff. FYI, I HATE being interrupted when I'm watching a video or listening to music. I get into a zone, and when my mom tries to talk to me about random stuff or yells at me to do my work I get extremely mad. I clench my muscles and groan and act very weird. It's an almost wired physical reaction. Sometimes, I cry when I have to go out, cause I was in the middle of something. I need to be told and have time to prepare in advance to go out, or I'll either get angry or cry. I refused to go to dinner the other day because my parents told me to just get dressed and go, but I was sweaty and feeling unclean and I refused to do it, because I wasn't allowed to shower.
A Note: I am currently suffering by a form of depression some way or the other. I don't really know where it came form, but I have a hunch where it's from. More on this later. Although, sometimes I get very giddy with exitment, only to be shot down by sadness. MOre on this another time.
School:- I fail math, and struggle in science. I do ok in science depending on which subject. But Math I always do bad in. Because I never pay any attention when the concepts are explained. This is what led me ot believe I had ADD, along with the foot jiggling. I'm good at language, depending ono the teacher. I'm also good at Social Studies, but I am bad at turning in assignments (as with all my classes).
Music - I do very well in band class usually, getting meeting and exceeding grades (I play trombone) Even though I hate the class, because it's boring. I usually ace my tests, even though I only ever practice about twice a year when my parents force me to It's weird. I can pass a test by using only the 5 minutes of prep time before the test.
However, I play piano as a well, but I struggle with it. I can play hands separate fluently, but when I pay with both hands I'm terrible. It takes me a few moths to play a very easy piece solidly.
School: What I'm good at - One of my two best subjects in Language Arts. I greatly enjoy reading and writing, and I am currently working on some writing pieces at the moments. Anyhow, I almost never get a less-than-average grade in Language Arts. For the sake of keeping this short, I wont' go further. If you wish, I will write more later.
However, my biggest hobby would probably be performing arts. I am greatly involved in my schools Drama program, taking part in school plays and musicals, which my Drama Teacher says I'm very good in. I also an a dancer. This is where my parents start to refuse the idea of aspergers. They think that people with Aspergers are too shy to do Drama work or something of the sort. But believe me, I egt as nervous as anybody, because I feel people will laugh at me for the way I deliver my lines. It doesn't help that I liked a boy in my class, but that's besides the point. I get nervous that EVERYONE will think I'm weird.
Social Life: I can function quite normally at school, but I'm shyer than people think. I usually look people in the eyes only briefly, and focus on either the floor/wall, or another point of their face to mimci eye-contact. This is usually more with boys, even though I don't have any romantic feelings for them. I mean, even if I don't have romantic feelings for them. I act the samea round a boy I have a crush on. I also Don't like talking too much, because I don't like my voice (Very deep for a young girl) and it gets loud unintentionally.And because of how odd it is when it's coming form me, people usually look at me when I'm talking (I mean pretty intensely, and I hate it). But sometimes I'll rattle on and don't realize people are getting bored or fed up. I also hate sall tlak and don't ask people things for the sake of conversation. But mostly I hate it when people expect me to answer. I have a friend who's a small-talker and I loiek her a lot, but it drives me NUTS. I'm scared to approach people who I think are more popular than me, even though I sit with the popular girls at lunch (though I am not popular myself.) But it gets so awkward trying to carry on conversation. I leave as soon as I'm done eating to go to the library and go on my computer or read. I usually prefer to eat lunch in the bathroom, which I've been doing recently. It's just less awkward.
But I don't like going to the gym or outside, especially wearing certain clothes, because I think people are judging me constantly. I wear pretty androgynous/ boyish clothes, and I am quite a tomboy. I enjoy wearing dresses in moderation, but I feel people I'm silly for wearing them. I feel more comfortable in public with more boyish clothes. I feel like people take me more seriously. I also wear the same few T-shirts for various reasons. More on that if you're interested.
I also have friends that are mostly boys. I have friends that are girls, but less. I get along with boys better. Most of the boys in my school find me pretty cool, and I make friends with lots of boys of either older or younger grades.
However, I struggle to initiate friendships, because of my shyness. I recall once seeing a group of kids in my school musical laughing and goofing off before the show (they are a grade/year above me) and going ot the bathroom and crying hysterically because I didn't have friends like that. I think this is a contributing factor to my depression.
Issues/Obsessions:
I have an slight computer addiction. It's what I do most of the time until my parents kick me off. I get up everyday (on a non-school day) and go on my computer first thing. I used to read and draw for hours, until my I got addicted. I have a group of videos I watch everyday, but I always put off watching them because I watch others (due to side/recommended videos) causing me to stay up really late, because I NEED to finish the videos. This is where my OCD rituals differed from my other routines. Because these were not done out of anxiety, but something else. I also have a folder of pictures of fantasy aspects (Heaven+hell, knights,the cosmos that sort of stuff) I have these videos and pictures because like I said I am a writer (well, kinda) and I feel these things help my creative flow and get the tone I want for the story. Most of these youtube videos are of Phantom of the Opera. Weird, I know. I don't really know how to explain. I will go more in-depth on my Phantom obsession in the correct forum. I anyone of you are interested, please tell me and I will give you the link once it's finished.
I have a fantasy/medieval obsession. I used to LOVE playing games where my friends and I would just create a world in our minds and pretend to be different characters. I was usually a Knight/Viking or some kind of rough and tough character. I just loved the imagination used in the game, and how anything was possible, but most of all because it was with my friends. I'm still pretty young, but I miss that TERRIBLY. I hope maybe next school year I can convince some of my friends ( If I have any. My best (girl)friend is moving. I still have my best guy friend, fortunately.) Luckily, some of my friends are still obsessed with Marvel, DC< and anythign in between. One of my best friends is obsessed with Batman, who he claims to be numerous times. My other friend used to call himself Venom.
I also like listening to medieval music and looking at costumes. Long story short, anything related to those kind of aspects. I also enjoy video games. I'm not a gamer girl per say, but I do enjoy the good old Xbox. Probably because I ave an older brother.
My building got renovated, and I was incredibly mad. I hated how they were changing it. I wanted it to be the same. I wanted to make sure I had pictures of the building before they changed it. Even when they changed the security code button pad I was bummed.
I am weirdly drawn to what others consider macabre. I read lot's of horror ( I have a book of the best of H.P. Lovecraft). I also have a fascination with elements of death, and hell. Some of the aspects of this might stem from my OCD, others probably not. It's not an anxious way. I'm not scared of it. I find it, for a lack of better words, epic. I just find it so amazing. Tell me if you're interested in learning more about this.
This obsession if funny, thought. When I was young I was scared to death of the crucifix (didn't help living in a Catholic family
)OH! To add on to this, I was scared of rosaries. I was scared of the crucifix, but also hated the beads+chain. I've always had a problem with necklace chains, but I don't know why. I hate the way they feel, and the look, and everything. I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps I'll talk more abuo it later. But I refuse to wear them. SOME are ok, bust most I can't stand. It bothers me too much. I don't like them touching any of my belongings, or I feel like they become 'tainted'
Anyway, my horror fixation is not only odd because of the crucifix issue. I used to be a total girly-girl, and read books about puppies and kittens and fairies, even when I outgrew them. Funny enough, I still like them AND the whole horror thing. I like both a lot, and it's weird. My room still has the smiley flowers and butterflies from when I was in 1st grade. I'm too embarrassed to let anyone in my room, bu I don't really wanna change it. Not just for stability. I like it. I stilll watch shows for little kids, be it shows for actual babies/toddlers of for 7 year olds. I watched them proudly still about 4th grade (Hannah Montana was a favourite LOL), and then watched them in private. I still watch Disney Channel shows (the good ones, mind you
)In short, I have a weird fixation with either horribly adult themes (Things like Jack the Ripper) or ridiculously juvenile ( I recall checking out a book called 'The Playful Puppy' in grade 4 and being asked in front of the class to return it. *Shivers*)
Almost done, I promise!
I used to think all things had souls. Well, most things at least. Main things. I think part of this is my OCD, but possibly part due to my possible Aspergers syndrome. I don't really know. But i used ot get sad when any inanimate object was neglected, or thrown out. I used to feel sorry for it, and tell it that I loved them. ESPECIALLY if they had a face. A face made it all the mroe real to me, and hurt me even more. It's excruciating for me to chuck out anything that is a character, or looks like it could be a living creature. I think this contributes to my hoarding issue.
OkK, my most shameful obsession. I have a slight obsession with people. But unfortunate, it's boys only. And I don't even like them romantically. I have a sketchbook (well, I have many) and I've gone onto the school website, found their school photos, and drew them. I'm just weirdly fascinated by them Like I said before, I write, and I've started to mold characters after them (I've talked to them before and know their general personality). I wish I could monitor who they date, because I feel like they only deserve the best. I usually end up disliking their girlfriends and hoping that they'll break up (which usually happens. They are middle/high schoolers lol) And it's not only for a certain group, I feel that way with a lot of my male friends who I'm not attracted to. Not all of them, but quite a lot. But it's not a motherly kind of worry. It's not a jealous crush way either. I don't know how to feel about it.
I don't know why I feel this way, or how, or anything.
I'm just, in short, just truly drawn to them. I don't know why. Like anything else, I am willing to tlak more about this. Just not on this post. It's long enough as is.
OK! We're done!!!
So, if you got through this, hats off to you, I'm impressed. I wouldn't make it through this So, if you've read this. Please tell me what you think. Do I sound like I could be an Aspie? What do you think about my symptoms? What category do you think I fall under, even if you think I'm normal, I need your advice.Unfortunately, I've become so miserable at home I WANT to have Aspergers. Cause then people wills top treating me like I'm just a bad person/ a run-of-the-mill emo angsty lazy teen.
Well, on that happy note
please reply! Any feedback is appreciated, and thank you for taking the time out of your day to even glance at this!Thank you!
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