Hiding it with alcohol?

[AspieChris]

I deleted my last post because I didn’t want the world to read it when I run for President.

Not a good direction for my life to be going.

 

[MNAus]

Oh mate, bit of a NYE incident?

 

[AspieChris]

No. Just a way of re-booting an old thread I guess.

I haven’t stopped making bad decisions with alcohol. I just changed my actions. The post I deleted described an adventure with ADHD medication (prescribed).

Completely unrelated to the end of a year.

 

[Rodafina]

Not a good direction for my life to be going.

Are you able to change course? Is your ship facing a different direction since the weekend?

 

[ra49]

Winter solstice passed and days getting longer = time for reflection and determination for future
I read something very encouraging last year this time, will try to find it and put it here for you
xoxo <3

 

[ra49]

Found it:
bits and pieces extracted from Jack M. Balkin's 2002 translation of the I Ching, [best translation i have found, it was a passion project for him. The I Ching is a Wisdom Book, not a fortune-telling tool ]

From #24 Fu - Return
"You are poised between the end of an old era and the beginning of a new one. You must use this time to recharge your batteries and replenish your energies for the times ahead, but recuperation is not the only goal when things are about to change for the better. It is worth taking stock of yourself and your situation. Reflect on the old cycle that is passing away and consider what went wrong. Perhaps you strayed from the proper path because you were not true to yourself, because you weakened yourself by harboring the wrong attitudes, or because you allowed negative thoughts and emotions to overwhelm you and lead you into the wrong choices. Whatever the causes, is it important to be honest with yourself, for self-understanding is necessary if you are to begin again.
If you have made mistakes in the past or have strayed from the proper path, you must take this opportunity to correct yourself, repent and ask forgiveness as necessary. Nevertheless, do not wound yourself with recriminations or allow self-criticism to discourage you. What is past is past, the future lies ahead. Have faith in yourself and your capacity for renewal.
Fortunately you are now in a propitious time when change is possible. A door has been opened for you. It is up to you to pass through. Nothing can be forced. Everything must unfold in its natural time. Even though you cannot change everything immediately, before you begin your journey, you must first turn yourself around so that you can move in the right direction. What is most important is that you make a sincere and honest commitment to take the first steps in what will be a long and steady process of improvement."

 

[jsilver256]

And yes, it is not about addiction. I would be called an "alcoholic" but that is not me. It is an autistic response and now that I realize (just self diagnosed) I can just let go of the pain and have nothing to cover up.

This is a wonderful quote, thank you.

 

[AspieChris]

So…. I wound up in the Emergency Room. Blood alcohol .24% at 9am. Hadn’t slept more than 30 minutes per night in weeks. Hadn’t eaten more than 5 saltine crackers per day in about a week. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea for 4 days.

They took blood and said everything was fine, except that my liver was “barely hanging on”.

That was 16 days ago and I haven’t had a drop since that trip to the ER. They gave me a prescription to help with the shakes for the first 5 days. Don’t know if it helped because I never stopped shaking. Maybe it would have been a lot worse without the pills.

My urine changed back from orange (seriously, orange Gatorade) to normal yellow about 5 days after the ER. I did some research and orange pee is a common sign of serious liver damage. Hopefully it means I’m on the mend.

Everyone who has a real problem eventually hits rock bottom. Hopefully, sitting in an Emergency Room with something called a “banana bag” dripping fluids and electrolytes into my i.v. at 10am is mine.

I have no desire or cravings for alcohol any more. I’m on disability, leading into retirement. The stress of keeping my job that seems to want me dead is gone.

I’ll figure it all out. I have nothing but time now.

 

[ra49]

So…. I wound up in the Emergency Room. Blood alcohol .24% at 9am. Hadn’t slept more than 30 minutes per night in weeks. Hadn’t eaten more than 5 saltine crackers per day in about a week. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea for 4 days.

They took blood and said everything was fine, except that my liver was “barely hanging on”.

That was 16 days ago and I haven’t had a drop since that trip to the ER. They gave me a prescription to help with the shakes for the first 5 days. Don’t know if it helped because I never stopped shaking. Maybe it would have been a lot worse without the pills.

My urine changed back from orange (seriously, orange Gatorade) to normal yellow about 5 days after the ER. I did some research and orange pee is a common sign of serious liver damage. Hopefully it means I’m on the mend.

Everyone who has a real problem eventually hits rock bottom. Hopefully, sitting in an Emergency Room with something called a “banana bag” dripping fluids and electrolytes into my i.v. at 10am is mine.

I have no desire or cravings for alcohol any more. I’m on disability, leading into retirement. The stress of keeping my job that seems to want me dead is gone.

I’ll figure it all out. I have nothing but time now.

Oh honey (insert broken heart here)
So glad you are doing better
But it will be a long walk back
Cannot remember where you are on the spectrum of Faith, but Sabbath/Restoring the Sacred Rhythm of Rest by Wayne Muller may help
Time is the most precious thing that we let slip away because we are too busy
Please please do take good care of yourself, food, rest, sunshine
A d let go of guilt and pressure to be anybody other than your dear self

 

[NoKipAr on the run]

I don't drink.

destroys lives.

 

[jsilver256]

So…. I wound up in the Emergency Room. Blood alcohol .24% at 9am. Hadn’t slept more than 30 minutes per night in weeks. Hadn’t eaten more than 5 saltine crackers per day in about a week. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea for 4 days.

They took blood and said everything was fine, except that my liver was “barely hanging on”.

That was 16 days ago and I haven’t had a drop since that trip to the ER. They gave me a prescription to help with the shakes for the first 5 days. Don’t know if it helped because I never stopped shaking. Maybe it would have been a lot worse without the pills.

My urine changed back from orange (seriously, orange Gatorade) to normal yellow about 5 days after the ER. I did some research and orange pee is a common sign of serious liver damage. Hopefully it means I’m on the mend.

Everyone who has a real problem eventually hits rock bottom. Hopefully, sitting in an Emergency Room with something called a “banana bag” dripping fluids and electrolytes into my i.v. at 10am is mine.

I have no desire or cravings for alcohol any more. I’m on disability, leading into retirement. The stress of keeping my job that seems to want me dead is gone.

I’ll figure it all out. I have nothing but time now.

Sorry it had to come to that point. I too stopped cold turkey a little over a month ago with no desire to relapse. Jobs aren’t worth the constant physical misery and deterioration in health. I’ve now got 10x the anxiety but I remember that anxiety as a kid as well, before alcohol, and I’m committed to not to run away from myself any longer.

 

[Rodafina]

So…. I wound up in the Emergency Room. Blood alcohol .24% at 9am. Hadn’t slept more than 30 minutes per night in weeks. Hadn’t eaten more than 5 saltine crackers per day in about a week. Vomiting and explosive diarrhea for 4 days.

They took blood and said everything was fine, except that my liver was “barely hanging on”.

That was 16 days ago and I haven’t had a drop since that trip to the ER. They gave me a prescription to help with the shakes for the first 5 days. Don’t know if it helped because I never stopped shaking. Maybe it would have been a lot worse without the pills.

My urine changed back from orange (seriously, orange Gatorade) to normal yellow about 5 days after the ER. I did some research and orange pee is a common sign of serious liver damage. Hopefully it means I’m on the mend.

Everyone who has a real problem eventually hits rock bottom. Hopefully, sitting in an Emergency Room with something called a “banana bag” dripping fluids and electrolytes into my i.v. at 10am is mine.

I have no desire or cravings for alcohol any more. I’m on disability, leading into retirement. The stress of keeping my job that seems to want me dead is gone.

I’ll figure it all out. I have nothing but time now.

I hope, in the past I’ve made it clear that I am compassionate to your struggle, but compassion is not always the thing we need.

Folks like us who struggle with alcohol are not guaranteed second chances like the one you have before you. I am hoping with everything I got that this is your time for the big changes that need to happen and you are able to envision a new life for yourself that does not involve dying early. You are a family man and your family needs you. It’s time for sobriety, friend.

 

[AspieChris]

I hope, in the past I’ve made it clear that I am compassionate to your struggle, but compassion is not always the thing we need.

Folks like us who struggle with alcohol are not guaranteed second chances like the one you have before you. I am hoping with everything I got that this is your time for the big changes that need to happen and you are able to envision a new life for yourself that does not involve dying early. You are a family man and your family needs you. It’s time for sobriety, friend.

I’m on disability now, and I’ll be retiring at the end of this disability. Now stress from a crappy job = no more desire for drugs or alcohol m. 17 days sober today. No cravings.

I have a huge mountain to climb. I’m 50 and I have worked there since l was 17. Retirement will be difficult, and I’ll probably need to get a job. I haven’t been on a job interview in 33 years.

We’ll see how it goes….

 

[Rodafina]

I’m on disability now, and I’ll be retiring at the end of this disability. Now stress from a crappy job = no more desire for drugs or alcohol m. 17 days sober today. No cravings.

I have a huge mountain to climb. I’m 50 and I have worked there since l was 17. Retirement will be difficult, and I’ll probably need to get a job. I haven’t been on a job interview in 33 years.

We’ll see how it goes….

Sounds like it's a real opportunity for big changes. Even if they are forced by your circumstances, they can still save your life. Wishing you fortitude in turning 17 days into 18 days and beyond.

 

[AspieChris]

Sounds like it's a real opportunity for big changes.

I appreciate the encouragement, but changes of any kind are painfully difficult for me. Even when the most benign of routines in my life get disrupted (such as getting off work early), it wipes me out for the remainder of the day….. unless there’s alcohol.

This is definitely a time in my life when I’ll be dealing with big changes, but it doesn’t feel like an opportunity. I have been stressed, depressed, and generally just so scrambled that I can’t sleep. Then I’m falling asleep in the middle of the day. My brain shuts down and my wife gets furious because to her it looks like a conscious choice I’m making to just give up on life. When the truth is that I’m struggling to stay alive through everything that has/is/will happen to me since about 16 months ago, through around January 2025.

I have been masking for so long now that I can’t turn it off. Nobody gets to see how much all of this change and uncertainty is eating me up until I have a meltdown, and I’m even really good at hiding those too.

 

[Rodafina]

changes of any kind are painfully difficult for me.

We don't make the changes because they are comfortable or easy. We make the changes because otherwise, we will die.

The encouragement I would offer is that change means we can establish new routines, not obliterate the idea of routine all together. Routines can still be an integral part of our lives. The hope is that the new routines are less deadly than the old ones.

 

[AspieChris]

I figure that I have about 2 years before the dust settles. Nothing but uncertainty for the next 24 months. And I have nobody to rely on if I can’t put food on the table.

It’s one thing to try and handle difficulties as they arise. It’s something completely different to sit in the dark at night and know that there ate a million things that can go wrong in my life because of the choices I make today. And not abstract things…. I’m talking about losing my home.

 

[AspieChris]

27 days sober today. It’s boring as hell. I have little to no energy, so I went from Superman to super at finding good movies on Netflix.

My need for alcohol is definitely tied to my responsibilities. Going out into the real world was causing me so much stress that I needed a way to turn down the heat every night. Lately I’ve been staying indoors every day and not dealing with people at all. No desire to drink except to relieve some of the boredom.

I always assumed alcohol was a sort of daily therapy. Sort of like someone who goes jogging every day after work to clear their head. Now I think I have proof…..Too bad it was killing my body while it was healing my mind.

 

[jsilver256]

I relate somewhat to what you're experiencing. I can say that the anxiety/restlessness seems to be finally subsiding at nearly 2 months in.

You'll need to find something meaningful to pass the time, perhaps within your special interest or adjacent to what you had been doing all day. And exercise is always a good idea.

Besides my day job, I've got a book and a few coding projects. Hopefully one of those will make enough money to replace my day job.

 

[AspieChris]

I have 20 years worth of projects around my house to work on. I just have no energy right now. I’m off of work indefinitely, so I can do whatever I want…… I just don’t feel like getting off if the couch.

It’s strange for me because 10 years ago I was like the Energizer Bunny. Today, the batteries are just dead.