Hiding it with alcohol?

[AspieChris]

Wow, hello me. That point on being a super hero for the real dramas but snowed under by the myriad of small things is absolutely on point. My discovery so far is that a) I feel better when I'm taking action to fix things and can see the effect and b) the small things demotivate me horribly. My exploration of the topic led me to this: I hate negative emotion (as we discussed) and I am desperately trying to clean the Augean stables to prevent it. I am trying to control my environment to avoid that overwhelming experience of 'loud' emotions which means fixing things before it becomes A PROBLEM and people get sad or angry or disappointed or whatever. And it's like trying to keep water in a colander by blocking holes with your fingers.

I'm learning to live with the discomfort of people's emotions being broadcast into my head, and accept the idea that other people should, at times, have negative feelings. It's not easy, but if I'm going to learn how to prioritise and let certain things drop, and so wind back on the stress, I need to accept that others will have discomfort at times, and that's ok. Right now I'm learning to count to 30 when I hear someone upset about something before I say "what's wrong?". It's unpleasant, but I need to do this. Because it actually also restricts others when they don't do things for themselves. I know, the idea of someone being miffed you didn't do something for them feels like an airhorn to the ear, but the other direction is madness, so put out they must be.

On sleeping I would guarantee that although the alcohol is helping you get to sleep, it's actually robbing you of most the refreshment. Is there no way you can fit in a period of quiet with you and your wife. Perhaps both reading or something? And yes, it might not be exactly what she wants, and I can hear the emotions ready to thunder through your brain like a stampede, but it might be useful for you both. I'm trying to set out times for different things. So things like money, to-dos, etc. not after 8pm, and with 30 minutes allocated to action things rather than dwell in the pit of my stomach. Having that helps, could it work for you?

I have tried to do what you suggest, but life keeps kicking me in the teeth. It lasts for a day and the car breaks down, or the plumbing springs a leak. And since I’m the “fix absolutely everything myself guy”, I have to go and fix it. I swear that the Universe doesn’t want me to get any rest. And the best way to keep my mind straight enough to fix it well, is to get drunk.

Plugging holes in a colander…. spot on. That’s exactly how I try to avoid other peoples anger.

 

[AspieChris]

I heard a sleep expert say this once: Sleeping is not the same as stripping away consciousness”

Totally true. Drunk sleep is not nearly as restful as sober sleep.

 

[AspieChris]

I’m actually terrified of nighttime when I can’t sleep. No distractions. Nothing but all of the little noises outside from neighbors, cars, etc. Music works but it keeps my wife awake. I tried earplugs, but I can hear the blood flowing through my ears like listening to a big seashell. Meditation has worked, but the crazy thoughts about absolutely everything always manage to push away the meditation.

Alcohol allows me to lay down and pass out. I look forward to that every night.

 

[MNAus]

Fully understand. I have problems with the constant activity in my head. My youngest keeps getting up late at night because "my brain won't turn off". Broke my heart to hear that.

I think if I was to break problems into three groups they'd be as follows. There's the crises which I navigate well, though I realise they do have a mental cost even if I do the superhero thing. Then there's the big problems, like something significant needs doing now. That's the big repairs and similar. And I suspect I'd take those in my stride if it wasn't for the noise issues: the form that didn't get filled, the pint of milk I forgot to pick up, the "what time should we leave for x?", the "would you phone the doctor for me?" things. I think my problem is that the desire to not f up means the last of those plough into my head with as much energy as the others. I think that space is where we can change things, so the first two give a feeling of pride and achievement.

 

[AspieChris]

Fully understand. I have problems with the constant activity in my head. My youngest keeps getting up late at night because "my brain won't turn off". Broke my heart to hear that.

I think if I was to break problems into three groups they'd be as follows. There's the crises which I navigate well, though I realise they do have a mental cost even if I do the superhero thing. Then there's the big problems, like something significant needs doing now. That's the big repairs and similar. And I suspect I'd take those in my stride if it wasn't for the noise issues: the form that didn't get filled, the pint of milk I forgot to pick up, the "what time should we leave for x?", the "would you phone the doctor for me?" things. I think my problem is that the desire to not f up means the last of those plough into my head with as much energy as the others. I think that space is where we can change things, so the first two give a feeling of pride and achievement.

You’re in a slightly better place than I am, although the subtle difference is actually huge. I know all of the things you talk about but putting them into action in my head is just not possible for me. I’ll get there…. It’s just going to be a while.

I get to watch my son struggle the same as me too, and it really hurts also. We flew to New York from Los Angeles when he was 11. The plane had barely taxied down the runway when a baby started crying, 2 rows in front of us. The look on his face made me want to yell “I have a bomb!” just to save him from the terror I could see in his eyes. Fortunately we had brought good headphones and there were a couple of games on my phone he liked playing, so I swallowed my own fear and immediately got him set up. It felt like I might die but I hid it really well.

2 days later I had an epic meltdown and my wife had to buy us some very expensive, last minute, plane tickets home. One day before we were supposed to come home with tickets we already paid for. We both learned a lot from that trip.

 

[AspieChris]

I heard a podcast yesterday.There was an expert talking. PHd in psychology, and an Aspie herself. Northern California unfortunately (because I’m in Southern California, 8 hours away by car). She said something I have always believed to be true: it’s not alcoholism.

I have no desire for alcohol in the morning. I wake up hungover. I get my crap together and go to work. I try to work my ass off at whatever needs to get done. I pay my bills and wash my ass. But somewhere, around the middle of my day, I’m just scared/confused/exhausted.

That expert psychiatrist said it’s not a desire to be drunk. It’s a need, self preservation, to turn down the noise. We don’t crave the buzz. We’re desperate and alcohol works.

Until my life changes when I’m old enough that it would naturally slow down (i.e. retirement), I think I’ll be stuck relying on some sort of mind altering substance. Alcohol is today’s choice. THC gummies actually work better, but I don’t like how unmotivated they make me. Maybe I’ll try mushrooms one day.

Every single person on the spectrum who I have heard who got away from booze did it by simplifying their life. Mine is just too complicated, and simplifying mine enough to not need SOMETHING means ruining my wife’s life. Divorce would kill me. So I’m in a vortex of trying to balance a bowling ball on top of a pencil.

I’m not looking for excuses. There are none. But there aren’t any answers either. It’s time for me to accept my situation and get back to living in the best way possible for me. Unfortunately….. it means that at around the middle of my day today, I’ll pour my first drink.

Thank you @Rodafina and @MNAus. Your ideas, experiences, and support have been helpful in a way that only you could understand. And I’m infinitely grateful for the time you invested in trying to help me. I’m not giving up, just giving in.

I had a good friend (or so I thought) many years ago who said I was the most stubborn individual he'd ever met. He was right. I’m too stubborn to give up. I’ll always find a way to get through whatever life throws at me, and I’ll do it on my own. But I need help. Accepting the fact that I can’t do it alone is what I need to start with. Too bad that I’ve been getting help in a bottle.

 

[Rodafina]

That expert psychiatrist said it’s not a desire to be drunk. It’s a need, self preservation, to turn down the noise. We don’t crave the buzz. We’re desperate and alcohol works.

Completely agreed.

Still here for you anytime you want to vent, worry, rage, whatever. If it’s helpful for you to get things off your chest, I will be here to listen.

We all walk in the same shoes if we are autistic and found peace in the drink. Our brains are difficult and we do what we can to survive.

 

[AspieChris]

Completely agreed.

Still here for you anytime you want to vent, worry, rage, whatever. If it’s helpful for you to get things off your chest, I will be here to listen.

We all walk in the same shoes if we are autistic and found peace in the drink. Our brains are difficult and we do what we can to survive.

Amen. The day I die is the day I lose.

Thank you.

 

[MNAus]

Fully understood mate. I don't have answers. If I find any I'll let you know.

 

[MNAus]

That expert psychiatrist said it’s not a desire to be drunk. It’s a need, self preservation, to turn down the noise. We don’t crave the buzz. We’re desperate and alcohol works.

Also, I can't imagine it brings a buzz. It brings peace. Rest. Quiet. Like a knot suddenly released. Amazed that people drink for a buzz.

 

[AspieChris]

Also, I can't imagine it brings a buzz. It brings peace. Rest. Quiet. Like a knot suddenly released. Amazed that people drink for a buzz.

Exactly. I see people getting drunk and don’t understand. They have sex with people that they themselves think are disgusting. They are horribly cruel to their wives and children. They get drunk and crash car after car. They lose job after job.

I’m not doing this for any buzz. Unfortunately, I go too far too often. I’m just desperate for a release. You get it of course. Most people who would judge me for my drinking have absolutely no clue where you were and where I am now. Rodafina gets it too.

It’s not drinking for us. It’s self-medication.

 

[elgat0verde]

Back in college I was of the idea that I was depressed. I did not know I have autism (just found out two weeks ago).

I am an alcoholic, I drank alcohol to fill the void of not knowing who I was and feeling isolated and shunned as a "weirdo"

After college I kept drinking until I got married then moved to work to the USA (influenced by my ex-wife, I don't regret moving tho) and started using marijuana.

About 3 months ago I was very dependant on weed but I think I was using it more as a part of my routine than to feel anything.

Nowadays I am clean (I used marijuana yesterday but found it boring and useless) and probably will stay clean until I can get my hands on some mushrooms (I really liked that experience)

Alcohol was bad for me, I got really addicted to it because it let me be me without judgment other than "oh he's just drunk" looking back into it that was the worst choice I could've used.

 

[AspieChris]

I turned a corner recently. I get home from work, drink very heavily for about 2 hours. I never actually get wasted, even though I’m consuming about a half liter of Vodka. I stop drinking and spend 2 hours outside getting chores done. Maybe have one more cocktail, but not always, and go to bed happy. Even my wife says I changed and she seems to like the new me.

There’s no question that this is unsustainable, but it’s actually working for now.

I think I found the answer, but I have no clue what the question is. If I can reverse engineer this problem, then I can maybe find a better answer. I’m starting to feel like it’s just all of the noise and confusion in my head from having too many responsibilities.

 

[Rodafina]

Be careful, my friend. You have skills and strengths and you understand the situation better than anybody, nevertheless, you are traveling in precarious territory. There are enemies all about, so keep your wits about you and keep your tools and weapons sharp.

 

[AspieChris]

I’m definitely using it to self-medicate. Today, it’s working. Tomorrow might be when it starts killing me.

THC gummies worked the best of any drug or medications I ever I ever tried, but it leaves me so uninspired the next day that I don’t get anything done. Alcohol gives me the clarity of mind to get up and work.

 

[Wolfiedog]

Alcohol gives me the clarity of mind to get up and work.

Nothing works like alcohol for me either.
i try other things, but the next day is horribly unproductive.

 

[AspieChris]

Nothing works like alcohol for me either.
i try other things, but the next day is horribly unproductive.

I have always been a very productive drunk. I push myself even harder when I’m hungover. It’s almost nice to hurt that much because I have no brainpower left to hear the noise of life that drives me crazy.

 

[Rodafina]

It’s almost nice to hurt that much because I have no brainpower left to hear the noise of life that drives me crazy.

I can definitely relate to this. I always found that putting myself into survival situations via drugs and alcohol was a way to focus my mind and quiet the extraneous stuff. Using and recovering from drugs and alcohol put me into this state. Nothing to focus on except breathing, because I was sometimes very very sick indeed.

Survival trumps all else and can simplify the thought processes.

 

[Xinyta]

The only time I've ever drank to avoid or suppress something is when Dad has ever visited here at my Uncle's house. I typically get sauced enough to get tipsy, so I stop caring about his presence. I've not hid that here because there is no point to. It's part of healing to recognize that I do it.

I have been drunk two or three times in my life. To all those who drink or consider drinking beer/liquor: Know your limits. Being drunk is not fun and can be risky, in my experience. I personally try to avoid getting drunk, if I can help it.

 

[ra49]

AspieChris, honey, oh my gosh!!
Surely your doctor told you when prescribing that You Cannot Drink with any psych medication (includes meds for ADHD)
Honey, you could have killed yourself
No I am not your grandma but you are younger than my eldest grandson, who has his own travails in this arena. As did I in younger years.

If you are going to drink, don't take meds.
If you are going to take meds, don't drink.

Period. At all. Way too dangerous.

My heart is breaking for you and your family.