Well said. Same here. Now the world tries to swallow me whole with all the sights and sounds and smells, but I am trying to figure out how to mute the madness.
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Hiding it with alcohol?
- Thread starter AspieChris
- Start date
Me too. I just threw it all out there. I’m pretty surprised at how many and how quickly the replies came in.
Are you identifying with the sensitivity to negative emotions, the alcohol “consumption”, or both?
Good luck….. if you ever get it mastered, start a thread. Then I can plagiarize it and write a children’s book about it called “I wish everyone would just shut the F up!”
All of it! I think I was medicating depression with alcohol though without realising it. Ex-marriage was slowly but surely getting more and more unlivable, 3 children, ouch. My worst Aspie thing is that I don't pick up on nuances, feel unnecessary things or know when to lie. Sounds are a constant problem, I will accidently snap hard if it's a sudden one, my legs literally lose the will to live and become jelly for other types, mechanical sounds mostly, which is distressing and church bells. I can tune church bells out until one of them mis-hits a bell and then...... It is what it is, even typing this amount of personal detail is making my nose feel like it wants to bleed. Thankfully I don't seem to have whatever it is that allows people to become addicted to things, I gave myself jaundice with vodka so I stopped and I don't have any desire to do it again. Silly thing is, so many people find us so intelligent and stimulating to start with and then stop understanding when they get to know us. I've reached the age now where I don't need to be sociable any more and I am more than happy
Mastered? I doubt it. More like moment to moment survival. Messy, imperfect, but always hopeful.
One of the main things that keeps me going is that although drugs and alcohol dulled many of the difficult things about my brain, it also took out all of the good things. In sobriety, the challenges are huge, but there’s a side of my brain that I am just getting to know that I nearly killed off all together. She survived and I am letting her see what living is like now.
I’m just starting to hit that time of my life. The pandemic was an absolute God-sent salvation for me because it made my wife fearful of large gatherings. I have always hated “socializing”, and now I don’t have to do it… ever! I’m almost 50, and I figure that I have about 10 more years before I can afford to retire. When that day comes I’ll be in a much better place. I’ll work until they put me in the ground, but I look forward to doing it mostly alone.
Unfortunately, for now, I’m still needing to be around all of the noise. Some might say that I have an addictive personality, but I think I’m just desperately trying to silence the church bells.
I guess I have a really strong liver, or maybe it’s because I always make myself sober up at least for a few hours every morning. I have consumed unimaginable amounts of alcohol in my life. I’m talking about a liter of Gin or 25 beers every evening. I’m not able to do that anymore but I should have done more than kill brain cells.
If you’re comfortable with me asking…. What was it that made you stop. Was it the jaundice?
You can ask me whatever you like, it won't make me uncomfortable as we aren't talking face-to-face. Yes, the jaundice made me stop, it was that or die. Once I stopped though (and don't try this at home, it is, unknown to me at the time, incredibly dangerous, I discovered just how dangerous the hard way) I preferred being sober. My drinking had increased so slowly that I'd become accustomed to being foggy all the time, without realising I was foggy all the time. I'll happily have a bottle of red wine on a Friday night, it's a bit of a tradition now and I enjoy it, it's amusing
Thanks to the pandemic I've gone from being an auditor (which I enjoyed, people give you a wide berth which allows you to just get on with what you're doing) to working from home doing data entry. Some might say a large step down but it suits me perfectly! My advice? Stop drinking. It doesn't stop the Aspie's or make it any easier to deal with, and it'll ruin your health.Yeah…. I’m very aware of the health consequences. But what’s worse: Having a job that creates stress and makes me drink tonight, or having the same job and stress that makes me write a suicide note?You can ask me whatever you like, it won't make me uncomfortable as we aren't talking face-to-face. Yes, the jaundice made me stop, it was that or die. Once I stopped though (and don't try this at home, it is, unknown to me at the time, incredibly dangerous, I discovered just how dangerous the hard way) I preferred being sober. My drinking had increased so slowly that I'd become accustomed to being foggy all the time, without realising I was foggy all the time. I'll happily have a bottle of red wine on a Friday night, it's a bit of a tradition now and I enjoy it, it's amusing
My life cannot accommodate a change in careers. It’s literally impossible. So I’m a bit stuck in my situation.
I’m not defending alcoholism, or any person who destroys their life (or the life of someone else) because of their drinking. But it’s starting to feel like, for me, booze is a bit like chemotherapy. It’s going to almost kill me while it’s also saving my life. And this isn’t coming from a drunk who needs to defend their addiction, just a desperate man who is searching for salvation.
Too bad it’s been found inside a bottle of Gin.
My parents really screwed me. I’m entrenched in the life that I achieved through calming myself with alcohol. My wife and I met when we we’re both accustomed to ‘relaxing’ with it. Now she wants to quit, and has done it successfully. I want to quit as well but there’s just too much going on. Work, child, taxes, etc. If I had known I was this way then I could have chosen a different path. But now, the thought of getting divorced and abandoning my son sound 100x worse than living as a drunk.
I think that I must have subconsciously known this because I disowned my whole family about 5 years before discovering I was on the spectrum. And there’s ALWAYS been alcohol available and accepted at every family function.I fit right in with a beer in my hand, or (even better) playing bartender for everyone at the party. So trying to stop something that has worked for basically 1/2 of my life….. It’s difficult to imagine how it would be if I stopped.
I think that I must have subconsciously known this because I disowned my whole family about 5 years before discovering I was on the spectrum. And there’s ALWAYS been alcohol available and accepted at every family function.I fit right in with a beer in my hand, or (even better) playing bartender for everyone at the party. So trying to stop something that has worked for basically 1/2 of my life….. It’s difficult to imagine how it would be if I stopped.
Chris, do you have a CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapist)? xx
Nope. I haven’t seen a therapist in a long time. I’m in the process of finding one now. But I’ve never seen a “CBT”
My house is getting a full paint job. The guy who is in charge is awesome. I want to stop, but the stress is unbelievable. I’m drinking more than I ever have.
I don’t know what to do.
I need help. I’m scared and confused.
I don’t know what to do.
I need help. I’m scared and confused.
MNAus
Well-Known Member
Oh mate, that sounds really unpleasant. Not sure how to help, but here goes.
First off, I think you know that you're not alone in this. Lots of people read your posts and nod, recognising their own life in yours. Looking at the number of lurkers this place has, I bet there's a LOT who can relate to what you're saying. So you're not alone.
And second, you can navigate this. Not saying you're going to enjoy yourself, but you can navigate this and get out the other side. Don't lose faith in your own abilities. You've proved those again and again by getting where you are. You can't fake winning through with a disability.
If you're like me there a constant hum of stress in the background, and likely a few pressures lurking in the shadows that you could name if you concentrated, but generally just stay hidden and stick pins into you to keep you unsettled. And then there might be a big fear, or big stress. So, recognising there's likely a myriad of bits and pieces contributing, can you put your finger on what is causing the current overflow?
Everything. Marriage, fatherhood, career, neighborhood. Just everything. I imagine living on an island, stranded and alone. No rules to follow. No conversations about retirement funds, politics, or religion. No doctors appointments. Just sun, sand, and banana trees. It sounds like I could be happy.
My wife found me curled up in a ball 2 nights ago, lying on the bedroom floor, having a particularly intense meltdown. I’m still aching from it. Everything hurts, especially in the morning. She isn’t even phased by it anymore. She knows I’ll be fine and just supports me until it’s over. But it makes me feel even more weak that I already feel.
In my 20’s and 30’s I was always working hard and getting stronger every day (physically). Before my back surgeries I was a beast. I have carried 400lb equipment up 5 flights of stairs, a couple of different times, at work, by myself. Just because someone said it couldn’t be done. Today, if it’s 100lbs, I’m forced to stare at it and ask for help. I lost that ability literally overnight. One day I was strong, the next day I was lying in a hospital bed with screws in my spine. I’m happy for the ability to walk, but this totally sucks.
I had 5 surgeries. Every time I prayed to God that there would be a complication and I wouldn’t wake up. I know it’s wrong to leave my family behind. I know that the surgeries were the best move for me. But I know that I’m miserable. I try not to think about it, but it creeps into my head all of the time.
Sorry to be spilling my guts out. But it’s nice to finally feel like someone gets it. I’ll live. I made it 1000’s of days like this. I’ll make it through this too.
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No advice from me today, @AspieChris. I can feel the pain you describe in my memories and my heart breaks from your hardship. I believe in you to move past this terrible time. Maybe Change will find you.
You're not alone.
I never learned to ride a bike properly, finally at 54 years of age, I realised Asperger's was the reason, also explained a lot of other stuff.
I used alcohol because "everyone normal does on a weekend night" and told myself I enjoyed it when I didn't.
I started drugs pretty late in life, I did enjoy recreational drugs, so much so, I neglected my home repairs. I did have an addiction. Drugs were my autistic special interest, I talked about them.
I also used them as "utility drugs" to get through the day, like speed. It gave me a fake zest for life, but I went off it.
I don't see my Asperger's as problem, it's a blessing in many ways, but I did discover the start of a property/legal/financial problem in 2010, and got on hard drugs.
This practical problem became more burdensome and I could not see a practical solution and I started obsessing about "eventual homelessness" and "leasehold" is a swear word.
I am no longer infatuated with drugs, my doctor is helping me off tranquillisers and I take a smaller and smaller amount of kratom each day, and look forward to getting to 0
I can work on the childhood trauma problems, but I cannot see a solution for the practical problems, all I know it is not drugs.
I masked so much so, that I acquired a personality disorder around identity, with a sexy title
Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, so I ever decided use dating sites it's not something I would put on.I hope this post has helped you feel less alone.
It does. I got hooked on oxycodone for a few years after my surgeries. Getting off that crap took me a couple of years. Masking is definitely easier when you feel fantastic on the inside.You're not alone.
I never learned to ride a bike properly, finally at 54 years of age, I realised Asperger's was the reason, also explained a lot of other stuff.
I used alcohol because "everyone normal does on a weekend night" and told myself I enjoyed it when I didn't.
I started drugs pretty late in life, I did enjoy recreational drugs, so much so, I neglected my home repairs. I did have an addiction. Drugs were my autistic special interest, I talked about them.
I also used them as "utility drugs" to get through the day, like speed. It gave me a fake zest for life, but I went off it.
I don't see my Asperger's as problem, it's a blessing in many ways, but I did discover the start of a property/legal/financial problem in 2010, and got on hard drugs.
This practical problem became more burdensome and I could not see a practical solution and I started obsessing about "eventual homelessness" and "leasehold" is a swear word.
I am no longer infatuated with drugs, my doctor is helping me off tranquillisers and I take a smaller and smaller amount of kratom each day, and look forward to getting to 0
I can work on the childhood trauma problems, but I cannot see a solution for the practical problems, all I know it is not drugs.
I masked so much so, that I acquired a personality disorder around identity, with a sexy title
I hope this post has helped you feel less alone.
Thank you for your honesty.
I respect you for getting off it.
I was on opiates last year illicitly.
I hope it's ok to talk about substance issues and getting off as I struggle right now, but I don't want to make this thread about me.
I went on kratom when I stopped them, I am how hooked on kratom.
I have weaned off well over 50% of my original dose by tapering.
I am finding it really hard, I thought it would be easy to taper off.
I get depressed, anxious, irritable, hot and tired.
How did you get off oxycodone?
I ask because both substances are opioids.
I know lots of people who cold turkeyed of kratom and were not right for months after, even a year.
I am VERY reluctant to break laws. I’m not saying I never do, but buying drugs on the street is not something I’m ever going to do.
I learned about Kratom as a way to wean off opioids. But there is an unknown side effect of using it: it substantially raises tolerance to all opioids. So I went from feeling “great” on one pill to needing 10 pills. Eventually, I was using my whole month’s prescription in a few days. Then spending 3 weeks in withdrawals. I did that for two years. It wasn’t fun anymore.
I pulled the trigger and cancelled my appointment with my Dr. It was necessary, but it might be the hardest thing I have ever done. Opioids are the Devil, and my Dr is a licensed drug dealer. I changed Dr’s last month. He gave me a prescription for Percocet. I haven’t touched it in 6 weeks.
Someone here mentioned seeing the end from the beginning. I saw the end, dozens of times. I just keep telling myself this: “You know that there’s only pain in that bottle. Are you willing to suffer through hell again so that you can live in Heaven for a day?”
The answer finally became “No”. I learned (after years of knowing but not learning), that there’s only one way to handle it. The only winning move is to never play.
I need to do it with alcohol, but it keeps working well enough that I can’t teach myself what I already know.
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