Hiding it with alcohol?

[Gift2humanity]

I am VERY reluctant to break laws. I’m not saying I never do, but buying drugs on the street is not something I’m ever going to do.

I learned about Kratom as a way to wean off opioids. But there is an unknown side effect of using it: it substantially raises tolerance to all opioids. So I went from feeling “great” on one pill to needing 10 pills. Eventually, I was using my whole month’s prescription in a few days. Then spending 3 weeks in withdrawals. I did that for two years. It wasn’t fun anymore.

I pulled the trigger and cancelled my appointment with my Dr. It was necessary, but it might be the hardest thing I have ever done. Opioids are the Devil, and my Dr is a licensed drug dealer. I changed Dr’s last month. He gave me a prescription for Percocet. I haven’t touched it in 6 weeks.

Someone here mentioned seeing the end from the beginning. I saw the end, dozens of times. I just keep telling myself this: “You know that there’s only pain in that bottle. Are you willing to suffer through hell again so that you can live in Heaven for a day?”

The answer finally became “No”. I learned (after years of knowing but not learning), that there’s only one way to handle it. The only winning move is to never play.

I need to do it with alcohol, but it keeps working well enough that I can’t teach myself what I already know.

I understand you not wanting to buy drugs, I don't blame you.
I didn't know kratom raised opioid tolerance, do you have any source for that info so I can read up on it more?
I'm sorry it made you need more pills.
Kratom doesn't suit me, it scares me, but going cold turkey does as well, as I read some horror stories, I'm glad I got this far tapering down, and I can't wait to need none.
Respect you for getting off painkillers.

 

[MNAus]

I had 5 surgeries. Every time I prayed to God that there would be a complication and I wouldn’t wake up. I know it’s wrong to leave my family behind. I know that the surgeries were the best move for me. But I know that I’m miserable. I try not to think about it, but it creeps into my head all of the time.

Sounds perfectly rational to me. I'm going to head off into amateur psychology. Apols if this is of little help. Out of interest, did you ever really mourn what you lost back then? I mean sure, you're lucky to be alive, lucky to be walking, etc. but did you ever have a chance to shout out about how utterly unfair it was to lose so much? If not, and if you don't feel comfortable talking to a loved one - personally I wouldn't, but that's me - then I reckon you could make a note that one of your appointments is going to be dedicated to talking about it. I think it's difficult to have a positive outlook on the future when ghosts of the past keep popping up like meercats.

Also related, and I said this earlier, but perhaps you need to give yourself a break. Your brain is an absolute ox, it's carrying 400lb loads up and down stairs. But whereas with the physical load you'd put it down after your feat, now you're not. So you need to give yourself a break - as in let yourself off the hook. So having some sadness about your injury, that's absolutely normal. Not in a griping about it all day way, but in accepting it was a sad event. Also the autism, you and me both just need to accept it. We've spent decades, unknowingly, fighting it by trying to be ok the whole time, trying to cover. And god knows we're both mental beasts from doing so. But we need to have a calm acceptance that there's is nothing to win by fighting it, we're only fighting ourselves. There is ZERO shame in what we have and we're allowed to set out our lives to work with that. Because there's a difference in accepting ASD as being part of us, and accepting it as a to-do list of ways we have to work to not be a burden.

By the way, if any of this doesn't fit you, then thanks for helping me out by giving me space to sort out my own brain. I don't know if I already wrote this but I said to my psychologist that I was having a problem accepting that I couldn't fix everything to make everything harmonious. Somewhere along the line I'd taken it upon myself to sort out my environment so I didn't have to experience the overwhelming input of other's [negative] emotions. That meant being hyper alert in the present, trying to control the future and avoiding thinking about past events that might replay emotions at high volume. And it was me that needed to sort it out rather than ask the world because a) I'm an ox that can carry 400lb up and down stairs and b) I do NOT want to experience the sort of emotions that come from telling people you need help and understanding.

Anyway, pick out of that anything that work for you. Toss the rest

All the best mate.

 

[AspieChris]

Sounds perfectly rational to me. I'm going to head off into amateur psychology. Apols if this is of little help. Out of interest, did you ever really mourn what you lost back then? I mean sure, you're lucky to be alive, lucky to be walking, etc. but did you ever have a chance to shout out about how utterly unfair it was to lose so much? If not, and if you don't feel comfortable talking to a loved one - personally I wouldn't, but that's me - then I reckon you could make a note that one of your appointments is going to be dedicated to talking about it. I think it's difficult to have a positive outlook on the future when ghosts of the past keep popping up like meercats.

Also related, and I said this earlier, but perhaps you need to give yourself a break. Your brain is an absolute ox, it's carrying 400lb loads up and down stairs. But whereas with the physical load you'd put it down after your feat, now you're not. So you need to give yourself a break - as in let yourself off the hook. So having some sadness about your injury, that's absolutely normal. Not in a griping about it all day way, but in accepting it was a sad event. Also the autism, you and me both just need to accept it. We've spent decades, unknowingly, fighting it by trying to be ok the whole time, trying to cover. And god knows we're both mental beasts from doing so. But we need to have a calm acceptance that there's is nothing to win by fighting it, we're only fighting ourselves. There is ZERO shame in what we have and we're allowed to set out our lives to work with that. Because there's a difference in accepting ASD as being part of us, and accepting it as a to-do list of ways we have to work to not be a burden.

By the way, if any of this doesn't fit you, then thanks for helping me out by giving me space to sort out my own brain. I don't know if I already wrote this but I said to my psychologist that I was having a problem accepting that I couldn't fix everything to make everything harmonious. Somewhere along the line I'd taken it upon myself to sort out my environment so I didn't have to experience the overwhelming input of other's [negative] emotions. That meant being hyper alert in the present, trying to control the future and avoiding thinking about past events that might replay emotions at high volume. And it was me that needed to sort it out rather than ask the world because a) I'm an ox that can carry 400lb up and down stairs and b) I do NOT want to experience the sort of emotions that come from telling people you need help and understanding.

Anyway, pick out of that anything that work for you. Toss the rest

All the best mate.

I suck at copying multiple quotes, so here I go:

Everything…. Absolutely everything you said fits. The only exception is that I have zero problems accepting my ASD. It was, and is, a relief to know that I’m not broken. And it has helped my relationship with my wife because she always wanted to help but couldn’t before.

My situation is like this. Joined the Navy only to find out that I get seasick and I’m afraid of drowning. My life is literally not able to change. Changing enough to make me “comfortable” equals divorce and unemployment. Trust me when I say that my parents totally screwed me by not allowing me to understand my situation. I have huge commitments that simply require me to muscle through this. And alcohol has always kept me afloat.

I am able to confide in my wife. I mourn my lost abilities every day. I see an obese person walking down the street. So fat that they have swollen legs. Eating an ice cream cone with a smile. Looking like they have no care in the world. It makes me angry at the universe for everything I have lost and how much my body hurts. It’s not rational, I know. But it still feels incredibly unfair. I took care of my body (or at least I believed I did), and now I’m suffering because of something that wasn’t my fault? There was a huge investigation at work into my accident and the outcome was that I did absolutely nothing wrong. So yes, I’m angry, but I do at least have someone to talk to but it really doesn’t help.

And I learned how to handle the world, angry people, disappointment, loss. I tell myself that it will pass, because I have learned that it always does. My problem is that there is always something new that will pass, the moment that I finally get a break. Lately there have been overlapping, huge issues, that never leave me with any kind of break. It’s been a non-stop mess for a couple of years, basically since my first surgery in 2015. I believe it will all pass, but I estimate probably 10 more years.

Thank you again for your advice. I’m sure that talking to me is bringing up some stuff for you that is difficult.

 

[AspieChris]

The cold, hard truth is that before I found out that I have Asperger’s…. I actually wrote maybe a dozen suicide letters. Nobody ever got to read them because I got extra stupid drunk and told myself that if I still feel this way tomorrow, then I’ll move onto making plans (the bad kind). Since my self-diagnosis about 15 years ago, I think I have only written one. And I knew in advance that I would ultimately be OK.

Booze has actually saved my life, several times. And it costs me about $5 per day. It’s difficult to imagine that it’s actually hurting me, even though I know that it is.

 

[AspieChris]

Honestly, this has nothing to do with being unhappy with myself or my decisions. I believe I did everything in my life that I was supposed to do. The problem is that I have far too many responsibilities, and life keeps throwing me more. Lately it has ben A LOT more. And I’m looking at my 15 year old son every day, and seeing that my new job (in addition to my current job) will be to help him not become what I am today.

I am stressed. I am overworked. I am unable to sleep. I am physically disabled, but still need to work. I am scared all of the time, of everything. But I am responsible for my home and family, so I am also an addict because it’s the only way to stay alive.

 

[MNAus]

Great reply. I'm going to have a go at that multiple quote thing.

Looking like they have no care in the world. It makes me angry at the universe for everything I have lost and how much my body hurts. It’s not rational, I know.

That's rational to me. 100% rational. I don't want to go into the role of a therapist, cos I'm not, that's not me. But it strikes me that you often say things which are really quite normal reactions, then give yourself a mental slap for being out of line. Like saying "get a grip on yourself man". Please don't do that. Expecting the world to shift on its axis and rewind time would be irrational. Being sad and frustrated sounds normal to me. Of course you'd like to be able to let that anger go, but I'd imagine I'd feel very hard done by in your position.

My life is literally not able to change. Changing enough to make me “comfortable” equals divorce and unemployment. Trust me when I say that my parents totally screwed me by not allowing me to understand my situation. I have huge commitments that simply require me to muscle through this.

Understood. I have a similar situation. My partner can't work, two of the kids are ASD, we moved country just before covid struck and house prices basically doubled before we could buy anything. We've just been kicked out of our rental house because the landlord wants to sell a couple of his properties to make a few million and go touring the country. So there's only me. Haven't had a holiday in a decade. Work 7 days a week, hitting about 80 hours a week (though to be honest I can't imagine what I'd even do with time off). If I fall, it all falls and everyone looks at me with a shocked Pikachu face. I run a business which requires me to go out and talk to people, networking, because I'm unable to hold down a full time job (due to getting tangled in office politics and failing). So yeah, I literally cannot stop. I had a bit of a burnout last year which meant I struggled to get a new job for a few months. That nearly saw us tossed on the street and a wife almost having a breakdown from stress. We were lucky, but it drove home the point that I don't get to take a break and I don't get to sit back and tell the world it needs to accommodate me. It won't.

Thanks for letting me pour that lot out. There was a reason. I didn't want you to have the impression this was some guy with a simple life telling you to take a few weeks off to find yourself. I know that's not realistic and I hear you. I know it's frustrating when half the stuff you read on this has people saying "I decided to just have a 9 month time out to find myself. I know what it means to have that weight of people needing you on your shoulders.

That said, I still think we can do stuff internally to ease the pressure. I can't put my finger on it, but it strikes me that, for myself, some of the pressure comes from outside, and some comes from inside: how I react. And part of that is mentally letting myself off the hook. Saying "I'm a good person, I can do my best, but I'm not going to put the pressure on myself to do everything". I don't know how to put it...

 

[AspieChris]

Great reply. I'm going to have a go at that multiple quote thing.



That's rational to me. 100% rational. I don't want to go into the role of a therapist, cos I'm not, that's not me. But it strikes me that you often say things which are really quite normal reactions, then give yourself a mental slap for being out of line. Like saying "get a grip on yourself man". Please don't do that. Expecting the world to shift on its axis and rewind time would be irrational. Being sad and frustrated sounds normal to me. Of course you'd like to be able to let that anger go, but I'd imagine I'd feel very hard done by in your position.



Understood. I have a similar situation. My partner can't work, two of the kids are ASD, we moved country just before covid struck and house prices basically doubled before we could buy anything. We've just been kicked out of our rental house because the landlord wants to sell a couple of his properties to make a few million and go touring the country. So there's only me. Haven't had a holiday in a decade. Work 7 days a week, hitting about 80 hours a week (though to be honest I can't imagine what I'd even do with time off). If I fall, it all falls and everyone looks at me with a shocked Pikachu face. I run a business which requires me to go out and talk to people, networking, because I'm unable to hold down a full time job (due to getting tangled in office politics and failing). So yeah, I literally cannot stop. I had a bit of a burnout last year which meant I struggled to get a new job for a few months. That nearly saw us tossed on the street and a wife almost having a breakdown from stress. We were lucky, but it drove home the point that I don't get to take a break and I don't get to sit back and tell the world it needs to accommodate me. It won't.

Thanks for letting me pour that lot out. There was a reason. I didn't want you to have the impression this was some guy with a simple life telling you to take a few weeks off to find yourself. I know that's not realistic and I hear you. I know it's frustrating when half the stuff you read on this has people saying "I decided to just have a 9 month time out to find myself. I know what it means to have that weight of people needing you on your shoulders.

That said, I still think we can do stuff internally to ease the pressure. I can't put my finger on it, but it strikes me that, for myself, some of the pressure comes from outside, and some comes from inside: how I react. And part of that is mentally letting myself off the hook. Saying "I'm a good person, I can do my best, but I'm not going to put the pressure on myself to do everything". I don't know how to put it...

I get it. There must be a way to let ourselves off the hook, without letting everyone down. I just can’t see how.

And advice from someone who has no real responsibilities in life is not going to help. Nobody who has a family, dependent on that paycheck, can afford to take a break for even a day. And even a “vacation” just means free time to scramble around at home in a hopeless attempt to catch up. Single + apartment = laying in bed for a whole week when you’re depressed. Married + Children + House = “suck it up soldier! You have s**t to do!”

I woke up this morning and read your latest post and maybe you finally got through to me. My house is getting painted by a real professional, and the whole place feels like my life has been turned upside down. Windows are all covered in plastic. My back yard is full of tools and equipment. Door handles have been removed. Security cameras are all covered in tape. I can’t open my garage door. And ny wife is bouncing off the walls because she thinks we picked the wrong color for the front door. It’s been 7 days like this, and there’s 5 more to go. All I can think about is mowing the lawn, but I can’t because of the stuff that’s everywhere.

I need to tell myself that today is Sunday. It’s a day of rest. No responsibilities today. The grass can wait. I need rest. And it doesn’t need to mean getting drunk at noon.

Thank you

 

[MNAus]

That sounds, well, thoroughly unpleasant. On TV reno is this soft-focused journey of discovery. In real life it's crap everywhere, difficulty finding somewhere to relax and a torrent of input and trivial questions.

I hope you got to relax. I'd go further than saying it's a right, I'd say it's a requirement. Look at it this way. If you said "I'm not going to sleep for one moment over the next month, because I want to get everything done" people would look at you like you'd lost the plot. They'd say "but the human body needs sleep, you'll be of no use, you won't actually do more you'll just be a zombie, you might become sick and die".

As per usual, I may miss the mark here, so discard what's not relevant.

I think maybe we can mix up busy with productive sometimes, well I know I do at least. I mean I'm sure we both get a ton done, but personally I reckon the stress is slowing me down, it gives me problems with not finishing what I've started, procrastinating, getting distracted. Likewise I'm sure after I've had a few beers I'm not exactly operating at the top of game (though I do have this sweet spot where I am on fire and can actually play pool). Not saying it would actually work out this way, but there's a possibility that I could actually use 10% of my time doing nothing, and produce more! Maybe you could have the same. But it would require me to be able to relax during that time, like really relax.

I think there are a few barriers. Sitting on your arse when others are busy is a big one for me. Personally I really struggle with this. Not sure if I'm reading things wrong, if I'm just sensitive to the negative emotion or if, actually, I'm on the money and people are staring daggers, but I don't like it when other people are busy and I'm not. I get the feeling they're angry about it. I feel obliged to get up, guilt even? Maybe I am trying to avoid the idea that someone is angry at me for doing something wrong? Not sure, it's something like that, but I have a sensation of extreme negativity in that situation. Perhaps avoiding a future scenario where I'd get negative emotions overload: "Why didn't you do that rather than sitting around? Now it's too late"?

I also find it difficult to switch off my mind, so I might be sat there but it's like I've got the clutch in rather than turning off the engine. Things like yoga just silence the room so you can hear the engine revving louder. I've found reading helps (currently reading What If? 2) with both: distracts me from the to-do list and the need to ask "can I help?" every time my partner swears as she's doing something.

Finally the idea that busy=good is a hard one to shake off. Despite typing all that stuff above, I'm not yet able to believe it fully. It makes logical sense, but gut feeling is that I need to be busier.

Anyway, my thoughts

 

[AspieChris]

That sounds, well, thoroughly unpleasant. On TV reno is this soft-focused journey of discovery. In real life it's crap everywhere, difficulty finding somewhere to relax and a torrent of input and trivial questions.

I hope you got to relax. I'd go further than saying it's a right, I'd say it's a requirement. Look at it this way. If you said "I'm not going to sleep for one moment over the next month, because I want to get everything done" people would look at you like you'd lost the plot. They'd say "but the human body needs sleep, you'll be of no use, you won't actually do more you'll just be a zombie, you might become sick and die".

As per usual, I may miss the mark here, so discard what's not relevant.

I think maybe we can mix up busy with productive sometimes, well I know I do at least. I mean I'm sure we both get a ton done, but personally I reckon the stress is slowing me down, it gives me problems with not finishing what I've started, procrastinating, getting distracted. Likewise I'm sure after I've had a few beers I'm not exactly operating at the top of game (though I do have this sweet spot where I am on fire and can actually play pool). Not saying it would actually work out this way, but there's a possibility that I could actually use 10% of my time doing nothing, and produce more! Maybe you could have the same. But it would require me to be able to relax during that time, like really relax.

I think there are a few barriers. Sitting on your arse when others are busy is a big one for me. Personally I really struggle with this. Not sure if I'm reading things wrong, if I'm just sensitive to the negative emotion or if, actually, I'm on the money and people are staring daggers, but I don't like it when other people are busy and I'm not. I get the feeling they're angry about it. I feel obliged to get up, guilt even? Maybe I am trying to avoid the idea that someone is angry at me for doing something wrong? Not sure, it's something like that, but I have a sensation of extreme negativity in that situation. Perhaps avoiding a future scenario where I'd get negative emotions overload: "Why didn't you do that rather than sitting around? Now it's too late"?

I also find it difficult to switch off my mind, so I might be sat there but it's like I've got the clutch in rather than turning off the engine. Things like yoga just silence the room so you can hear the engine revving louder. I've found reading helps (currently reading What If? 2) with both: distracts me from the to-do list and the need to ask "can I help?" every time my partner swears as she's doing something.

Finally the idea that busy=good is a hard one to shake off. Despite typing all that stuff above, I'm not yet able to believe it fully. It makes logical sense, but gut feeling is that I need to be busier.

Anyway, my thoughts

Dude. Absolutely my life.

I can’t sit and watch work without trying to get up and help. I can’t see work that needs to be done and do nothing. I have learned that it is not a fear of the ‘future’. I told myself for years, and I mistakenly told it to others, that it is a fear that the work will pile up and I want it to get done now because more work will ‘appear’ tomorrow. But it’s just who I am and how I’m wired. I’m a worker-bee. Always on auto-pilot, getting stuff done.

I can mow the lawn on January 1st. On February first, my lawn will need to be mowed again. What if I just wait until February to mow the lawn? Why am I so angry at myself on January 2nd that I failed at mowing the lawn? I could do it on the 3rd… or the 4th… or the 20th. It’s still going to be overgrown in February.

I got past that one a long, long, time ago. My issue is that if I don’t change the oil in the car, 2 years from now I’ll need a new engine that I can’t afford. If I don’t fix the leak in the roof this winter, then there will be flooring and drywall to replace next summer. And if I don’t find some way to spend some time with my family in between all of these things…… I’ll have no family.

My ‘rest’ became getting drunk and passing out about 20 years ago. After my surgeries, my house got desperately neglected for about 5 years. I’m in the middle of getting back to the ‘normal’ that I knew before my injury. I was always climbing up a hill, but now it’s Mt Everest.

 

[AspieChris]

I was drunk enough last night that I let my guard down. My wife caught me off guard and asked me “Are you happy?”. It was the way she asked. She meant was I happy with my life?

When I’m sober, I do a great job of keeping my walls up and mask on tight. I guess her question hit me in the wrong place and I went off on a rant about how I don’t even know what happiness is. She has a bad habit of asking me deep and important questions a few minutes before bedtime and just before I need to leave for work. I pointed it out at the end of my rant. Next thing I know, she’s in bed and I’m pacing in circles uncontrollably for the next 20 minutes.I could have answered more politely for sure, but that question could have come 2 hours earlier.

The question I have: Was me pacing in circles a meltdown?

 

[MNAus]

I was drunk enough last night that I let my guard down. My wife caught me off guard and asked me “Are you happy?”. It was the way she asked. She meant was I happy with my life?

When I’m sober, I do a great job of keeping my walls up and mask on tight. I guess her question hit me in the wrong place and I went off on a rant about how I don’t even know what happiness is. She has a bad habit of asking me deep and important questions a few minutes before bedtime and just before I need to leave for work. I pointed it out at the end of my rant. Next thing I know, she’s in bed and I’m pacing in circles uncontrollably for the next 20 minutes.I could have answered more politely for sure, but that question could have come 2 hours earlier.

The question I have: Was me pacing in circles a meltdown?

To answer your question. I don't think so (I must point out I'm not an expert so if you're worried, seek one). But you're running incredibly hot, and maybe flirting with it. You've got a strong mind by the sounds of it, so I'm not sure if you'll get the giddy off the rails thing, but it can show in other ways like depression, exhaustion, etc.

I would suggest that you don't beat yourself up for the pacing and ruminating. Perseveration is not uncommon in autism. I have it, one of my kids too. Sometimes that's getting stuck on areas of interest or topics of conversation, for others it's getting stuck on feelings, problems, discussions. My wife has the discussion, sadness, whatever and just gets over it. Like your wife she'll get into bed and fall asleep. I find it much more difficult to scene shift. It can echo in my head for days. My brain disappears off on a zillion parallel tasks filtering, sorting, reflecting, sense-making to try and get to some sort of resolution. There are things you can do to manage it or work with it, but it's not a flaw or something to be covered. For me alcohol makes that worse in many ways because I'm less sharp, so the process of ruminating goes off on tangents, loses the thread, etc. That leads to me getting absolutely nowhere.

 

[Rodafina]

I think if you can, it would help if you stop pretending.

I understand this may not be possible.

I understand you have children and responsibilities to take care of.

But pretending to be positive and putting a smile on your face to hold it all together is like crucifying yourself every single day. It has to come out AspieChris. It absolutely has to come out - the feelings, the emotions, the struggles, the absolute ache and rage in your heart.

Sometimes, in my culture, it seems that men are neither allowed nor encouraged to do this as much as women are. But it is not a male/female problem. It is a human problem. There are feelings that are too great to keep inside. The same as a volcano. The same as a pressure tank. We are not meant to sustain such high cortisol levels. It has to come out.

 

[AspieChris]

There are feelings that are too great to keep inside. The same as a volcano

That’s when I have a meltdown. Everything builds up until it boils over. The unbelievable thing is that I handle major catastrophes like a superhero. It’s always something insignificant that triggers my meltdowns.

Alcohol seems to allow me to give me the energy and focus I need to tune out the noise and get the stuff done that makes life more livable.

I need more sleep. I have needed more for decades. I get angry that my wife wants to finish a movie when bedtime was 30 minutes ago. It’s been a constant problem in our marriage since before we got married. I got the nickname ’bedtime nazi’ 20 years ago. And yet it still happens every night. I can’t just fall asleep without decompressing for a couple of hours in advance. Television, bills, conversation about family…. it’s not decompressing for me. Alcohol makes it possible to go straight to bed and pass out. Then I put on my big boy pants and go to work in the morning, dehydrated and foggy.

I do what I think everyone else wants me to do. Then it all falls apart and I fix it in the way I think they want me to fix it. It makes me feel like a good husband and father, and they tell me that I’m both. But I’m burdened with the consequences of all of these decisions because I’m “Dad”. That’s why I’m still drinking.

 

[Rodafina]

That’s when I have a meltdown. Everything builds up until it boils over. The unbelievable thing is that I handle major catastrophes like a superhero. It’s always something insignificant that triggers my meltdowns.

Alcohol seems to allow me to give me the energy and focus I need to tune out the noise and get the stuff done that makes life more livable.

I need more sleep. I have needed more for decades. I get angry that my wife wants to finish a movie when bedtime was 30 minutes ago. It’s been a constant problem in our marriage since before we got married. I got the nickname ’bedtime nazi’ 20 years ago. And yet it still happens every night. I can’t just fall asleep without decompressing for a couple of hours in advance. Television, bills, conversation about family…. it’s not decompressing for me. Alcohol makes it possible to go straight to bed and pass out. Then I put on my big boy pants and go to work in the morning, dehydrated and foggy.

I do what I think everyone else wants me to do. Then it all falls apart and I fix it in the way I think they want me to fix it. It makes me feel like a good husband and father, and they tell me that I’m both. But I’m burdened with the consequences of all of these decisions because I’m “Dad”. That’s why I’m still drinking.

Oof. Your post hits me hard. What you described is how I felt not very long ago. I was there, stuck in what you described for what felt like many lifetimes. I relate so much to what you described.

My solutions are not ones for you, though. They involved withdrawing from the idea of family life that you have procured for yourself. As a woman, I had to make my decision carefully (because I cannot change my mind after a certain time) but I decided that I would not be able to sustain participation in family life with a family of my own.

I withdrew from my profession, withdrew from pursuing close relationships and a family, and live life in the way where there are very few people who expect anything from me.

It has its ups and downs, this life, but it almost wasn’t choice. I had agency in the way that I have made decisions through life, but I made choices for survival. First I used alcohol and drugs to survive, but now I use solitude and aloneness to survive. I am no longer a lonely person, but my life is very egocentric and it does not include the structure of others. Sometimes others are there, sometimes they are not, but my life is in a solo ship among the stars in the night sky, far away from everyone else. The alternative to that for me is drugs. But I have chosen stars instead.

 

[AspieChris]

Oof. Your post hits me hard. What you described is how I felt not very long ago. I was there, stuck in what you described for what felt like many lifetimes. I relate so much to what you described.

My solutions are not ones for you, though. They involved withdrawing from the idea of family life that you have procured for yourself. As a woman, I had to make my decision carefully (because I cannot change my mind after a certain time) but I decided that I would not be able to sustain participation in family life with a family of my own.

I withdrew from my profession, withdrew from pursuing close relationships and a family, and live life in the way where there are very few people who expect anything from me.

It has its ups and downs, this life, but it almost wasn’t choice. I had agency in the way that I have made decisions through life, but I made choices for survival. First I used alcohol and drugs to survive, but now I use solitude and aloneness to survive. I am no longer a lonely person, but my life is very egocentric and it does not include the structure of others. Sometimes others are there, sometimes they are not, but my life is in a solo ship among the stars in the night sky, far away from everyone else. The alternative to that for me is drugs. But I have chosen stars instead.

I made a decision in my youth that I did not want to be alone. Probably because I felt so alone as a child (horrible parents and an abusive sibling). When I got my first girlfriend in 4th grade and our friends would come with us behind the building to watch us kiss, I guess I finally didn’t feel alone for the first time. And I chased that feeling from one bad relationship to another until I met my wife. If I tried being alone now, I’m certain that I would go back to my old habits and look for romance.

Have you thought of what old age might look like for you? No children to come and help out when you’re too old to do stuff for yourself. I’m not saying that it won’t be a good life. It just hasn’t worked out well for the old folks who I have known that never had a family .

 

[Slime_Punk]

Even though I'm sober, I completely understand why somebody would do this.

I'm definitely not glorifying drinking (as I would never want to go back to it), but it's interesting to find the upsides in imbibing and the darkness in abstaining, because it's very rare that society wants to discuss these uncomfortable topics.

To be honest, when I was drinker I was way more sociable, masking was so much easier, and even bonding with others was a much simpler process. After being sober for a few years, although so many things in my life have improved, the ASD is very pronounced since I can't just get drunk and go to a party or something and forget how much of an introvert I am.

There are plenty of valid reasons to hide ASD with alcohol, so I think this is a very valid topic. While I'd never want to do it again myself, I don't think anyone should be blamed for the coping mechanisms like this that they find throughout life, because ASD is just that difficult to deal with a good portion of the time.

---

With that said, I'm the worst support person ever. Because, although I'm extremely content with my own sobriety, I'd never want to convince somebody to change their life in a way that seems appealing to me but would ultimately lead them down a completely different path; some people truly aren't supposed to find sobriety in this lifetime, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Whatever the mainstream says about it, they can kick rocks.

 

[Rodafina]

Have you thought of what old age might look like for you? No children to come and help out when you’re too old to do stuff for yourself

Sure. I think about it a lot. I work with the elderly and there are some that I can really see my future in. I think in that situation I will rely on people like myself, those who are employed to help the elderly.

I’ve never ascribed to the idea of having children so they can help you later. There’s no guarantee of this, even for married folks with children. But yes, I certainly think about the future of solitude, and the more that I prepare for that now the better off, I will be. I make no assertions that my choices are the best ones, and they certainly would not work for everybody. Like I said, it hardly feels like a choice, just solving the puzzle of life that I see before me.

To be clear, I had to learn to make, and maintain connections through this life, and I have very much enjoyed meeting friends and acquaintances here. But, these people who are dear to me are not integrated into my life in the same way that an immediate family would be. There are connections growing and solidifying as I get older, but the structure of family life is not upon me. It was the only way for me.

I absolutely would not recommend my way to others. It’s just the way that I found and followed.

I don't think anyone should be blamed for the coping mechanisms like this that they find throughout life, because ASD is just that difficult to deal with a good portion of the time.

They shouldn’t be blamed, no. But sometimes there is only darkness and death in the drugs. No matter how much they help, for some of us they are not life at all.

 

[AspieChris]

They shouldn’t be blamed, no. But sometimes there is only darkness and death in the drugs. No matter how much they help, for some of us they are not life at all

I have first hand knowledge of the whole drug situation. If the correct amount can be used, and only used properly, then the drug makes life better. The problem is that too many drugs make us feel better and better as the quantity is increased. Many of us lack the self control to regulate our consumption, and thus become addicted. At that point we’re just living for the drug instead of using it to live better. I am currently in that hole with alcohol, but I’ve done the same with pills and weed in years past.

It’s really a personal question that we must each ask ourselves. Can I stop before it goes too far? Everyone answers “yes”, but those of us who are lying to ourselves are the ones who get into trouble.

 

[MNAus]

That’s when I have a meltdown. Everything builds up until it boils over. The unbelievable thing is that I handle major catastrophes like a superhero. It’s always something insignificant that triggers my meltdowns.

Alcohol seems to allow me to give me the energy and focus I need to tune out the noise and get the stuff done that makes life more livable.

I need more sleep. I have needed more for decades. I get angry that my wife wants to finish a movie when bedtime was 30 minutes ago. It’s been a constant problem in our marriage since before we got married. I got the nickname ’bedtime nazi’ 20 years ago. And yet it still happens every night. I can’t just fall asleep without decompressing for a couple of hours in advance. Television, bills, conversation about family…. it’s not decompressing for me. Alcohol makes it possible to go straight to bed and pass out. Then I put on my big boy pants and go to work in the morning, dehydrated and foggy.

I do what I think everyone else wants me to do. Then it all falls apart and I fix it in the way I think they want me to fix it. It makes me feel like a good husband and father, and they tell me that I’m both. But I’m burdened with the consequences of all of these decisions because I’m “Dad”. That’s why I’m still drinking.

Wow, hello me. That point on being a super hero for the real dramas but snowed under by the myriad of small things is absolutely on point. My discovery so far is that a) I feel better when I'm taking action to fix things and can see the effect and b) the small things demotivate me horribly. My exploration of the topic led me to this: I hate negative emotion (as we discussed) and I am desperately trying to clean the Augean stables to prevent it. I am trying to control my environment to avoid that overwhelming experience of 'loud' emotions which means fixing things before it becomes A PROBLEM and people get sad or angry or disappointed or whatever. And it's like trying to keep water in a colander by blocking holes with your fingers.

I'm learning to live with the discomfort of people's emotions being broadcast into my head, and accept the idea that other people should, at times, have negative feelings. It's not easy, but if I'm going to learn how to prioritise and let certain things drop, and so wind back on the stress, I need to accept that others will have discomfort at times, and that's ok. Right now I'm learning to count to 30 when I hear someone upset about something before I say "what's wrong?". It's unpleasant, but I need to do this. Because it actually also restricts others when they don't do things for themselves. I know, the idea of someone being miffed you didn't do something for them feels like an airhorn to the ear, but the other direction is madness, so put out they must be.

On sleeping I would guarantee that although the alcohol is helping you get to sleep, it's actually robbing you of most the refreshment. Is there no way you can fit in a period of quiet with you and your wife. Perhaps both reading or something? And yes, it might not be exactly what she wants, and I can hear the emotions ready to thunder through your brain like a stampede, but it might be useful for you both. I'm trying to set out times for different things. So things like money, to-dos, etc. not after 8pm, and with 30 minutes allocated to action things rather than dwell in the pit of my stomach. Having that helps, could it work for you?

 

[AspieChris]

some people truly aren't supposed to find sobriety in this lifetime

I agree. I believe I may legitimately be one of those people. I just need to scale it back and find some balance. Although it may not be possible for me to self-regulate my consumption. In which case….. I’ll need to quit.