How do you handle humiliations?

[LucyPurrs]

I suspect our contribution to nature and wildlife matters more than we could ever imagine. These are realms where many Aspergers seem to have an effortless understanding and a natural aptitude or intuition: Higher empathy for animals?
I remember seeing a 'Nightmare Neighbour' programme about an adult autistic son living with his single mother on benefits. Their neighbours chopped down a bush on their own property that the autistic son liked to look at and draw. He was so distraught about the loss of the bush, I think he took a knife to his neighbours. Naturally, the oblivious, mainstream neighbours focused on his lack of boundaries and lack of understanding of propriety and the law, but all I could see was the kinship he obviously felt towards the bush; their chopping it down was akin to their murdering his friend. His acute sensibility towards the bush - attributing it with infinitely more value than the mainstream does - was not recognised, let alone appreciated. He was just written off - confirmed as disabled, insane and criminal (the three often go together).

Similarly, William Stillman contends in 'The Soul of Autism' (2008) that autistic individuals are ‘harmoniously attuned’. They have a natural capacity for appealing to other beings with a language unique to those harmoniously attuned. He cites an anecdote about a boy called Adam who takes an interest in any plant, tree or bush. Even the ones sprayed with weed killer will flourish after he has taken an interest in them. This autistic ability is neither recognised nor valued by the mainstream, which construes the inability to discern NT intentions and coherent systems of thought as giving rise to a "literal mind". Literal minds are said to be impaired in terms of the ability to understand deception, jokes, lies, metaphors, sarcasm, insincerity, snideness, facetiousness and sabotage. But what about people who have deficits in harmonious attunement? Perhaps education systems should rate people on how they interact with animals, how many they have helped or saved, and how they treat plants and trees. (My own personal litmus test for empathy with dogs would be: do you attached your dog's lead to a collar around the dog's neck, or is the lead attached rather to a harness? I wince every time I see a dog being lead by its neck. A harness around the torso I feel is much more ergonomic and humane. Dogs should have collars for identification purposes only; otherwise the collar should not be touched).

I feel we are millennia away from appreciating the non-mainstream intelligences and understandings of many AS individuals. The key is for Aspergers in turn not to neglect or under-appreciate the intelligences and understandings of animals and plants. Don't be swayed by the mainstream who do not have the insight/IQ or CQ to appreciate how valuable animals and nature are. Don't merge 'our' values into 'their' values. Perhaps this is the best way one can 'fight back': by feeding and protecting the wild animals in our yard - deer, rabbits, foxes, birds, turtles - and by consciously recognising this as a vital and priceless contribution to the world - even if no one else is conscious enough to recognise it.

What a fabulous post! Agree with all of it!!

 

[fuðflogi]

Even after I forgive myself the memory lingers on and I still feel just as humiliated as before...thing is I don't know I'm doing something until I replay the event. No chance of any kind of recovery cause it's days sometime months or years before I truly see that I indeed was a complete fool.

 

[Crossbreed]

No chance of any kind of recovery cause it's days sometime months or years before I truly see that I indeed was a complete fool.

For me, playing the fool from time-to-time is par for the course for mortal humans, like myself. Though it is certainly humiliating when it happens,

I take comfort in the sense that it seems to be the exception rather than the rule...

 

[Bella Pines]

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

I cringe. I beat myself up, mentally and physically, I pick scabs, pick hangnails and run away. When I do this, I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

But my current way of handling it is to wait a few days/weeks, then face it head on. Apologize to the injured party (even if they are being illogical, hypersensitive and quite frankly ridiculous). I try to practice what I have learned of empathy and genuinely relate to them (limited success). I try to imagine how they want me to act and what would make them feel better. I have found that empty platitudes don't seem to work, I have to figure out a way to mean it.

If they still want nothing more to do with me, then fair enough, at least I've tried my best, exercised my daemons and can move on. I don't have any patience for going over the same ground over and over again.

And I appreciate that you are sad right now, but it is a little bit funny too. Now are you going to get all emotional and pissed off at me?

 

[JDartistic]

I suspect our contribution to nature and wildlife matters more than we could ever imagine. These are realms where many Aspergers seem to have an effortless understanding and a natural aptitude or intuition: Higher empathy for animals?
I remember seeing a 'Nightmare Neighbour' programme about an adult autistic son living with his single mother on benefits. Their neighbours chopped down a bush on their own property that the autistic son liked to look at and draw. He was so distraught about the loss of the bush, I think he took a knife to his neighbours. Naturally, the oblivious, mainstream neighbours focused on his lack of boundaries and lack of understanding of propriety and the law, but all I could see was the kinship he obviously felt towards the bush; their chopping it down was akin to their murdering his friend. His acute sensibility towards the bush - attributing it with infinitely more value than the mainstream does - was not recognised, let alone appreciated. He was just written off - confirmed as disabled, insane and criminal (the three often go together).

Similarly, William Stillman contends in 'The Soul of Autism' (2008) that autistic individuals are ‘harmoniously attuned’. They have a natural capacity for appealing to other beings with a language unique to those harmoniously attuned. He cites an anecdote about a boy called Adam who takes an interest in any plant, tree or bush. Even the ones sprayed with weed killer will flourish after he has taken an interest in them. This autistic ability is neither recognised nor valued by the mainstream, which construes the inability to discern NT intentions and coherent systems of thought as giving rise to a "literal mind". Literal minds are said to be impaired in terms of the ability to understand deception, jokes, lies, metaphors, sarcasm, insincerity, snideness, facetiousness and sabotage. But what about people who have deficits in harmonious attunement? Perhaps education systems should rate people on how they interact with animals, how many they have helped or saved, and how they treat plants and trees. (My own personal litmus test for empathy with dogs would be: do you attach your dog's lead to a collar around the dog's neck, or is the lead attached rather to a harness? I wince every time I see a dog being led by its neck. A harness around the torso I feel is much more ergonomic and humane. Dogs should have collars for identification purposes only; otherwise the collar should not be touched).

I feel we are millennia away from appreciating the non-mainstream intelligences and understandings of many AS individuals. The key is for Aspergers in turn not to neglect or under-appreciate the intelligences and understandings of animals and plants. Don't be swayed by the mainstream who do not have the insight/IQ or CQ to appreciate how valuable animals and nature are. Don't merge 'our' values into 'their' values. Perhaps this is the best way one can 'fight back': by feeding and protecting the wild animals in our yard - deer, rabbits, foxes, birds, turtles - and by consciously recognising this as a vital and priceless contribution to the world - even if no one else is conscious enough to recognise it.

I LOVE THIS...THANK YOU.

 

[Jana Delaney]

how do you handle humiliations esp when you unintentionally hurt somebody?

You tell yourself, repetitiously, until you know it to be true that you are not responsible for other people's feelings. We all get offended sometimes, it may or may not be part of being human, but those of us willing to be mature grown ups accept and realise that being offended is a choice, and if one chooses to, they can snap out of that state of mind.

But then we were all out during a Meet up event - that is, 10+ people, & someone asked me how we all met. I then said honestly that one of the women had a crush on me but I didn’t feel the same.

A lot of people have issues with factual information; truth. That is their problem.

She then got pissed off & abruntly left. My other friend said to me that I was wrong to say that & that we were drama queens. She then basically told me I was a AH.

They are making you responsible for their feelings. It happens a lot to autistic people. There is a certain vulnerability there which needy vampires love to exploit, I've seen it a thousand times before. You are not responsible for their feelings. The fact that you feel bad about hurting their feelings is partly a good thing because it proves you are a kind person with good intentions, but you did nothing wrong - they did. They spotted a vulnerable, prime target for projection and chose to psychologically project their own crap onto you. Become aware of this paradigm and you will begin to spot it everywhere. It is rife in this world.

End result is that I tried so hard to make amends the next day. The one woman who left said I had embarrassed her & she wanted nothing to do with me. The other woman said the same thing about both of us saying we were both crazy & she didn’t want to deal with it.

Again, common thing for an autistic person to be told their behaviour is 'embarassing', again, seen it a thousand times before. They are the embarrassment; to themselves, because they can't handle honesty and attack people who are honest because they have the emotional maturity of two year olds. Again, that is their problem. Take my word for it, you did nothing wrong - they did.

So I basically lost 2 friends. This was done during a Meet Up event - which I organized - so everyone saw this exchange & now I’m seen as an AH by the peeps who were there.

They're fake, disingenuous zombies. You could have a more meaningful relationship with a plant. And that isn't a joke, either.

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Again, the fact that you feel guilty is partly good, it means you are a kind person. But I'll reiterate, you did nothing wrong. You go on by having faith that this is probably all a test and by trying to stay as true to yourself as you can, and also by not letting people treating you badly diminish your character. Continue to be a kind person, but on your own terms, with boundaries.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

Probably the majority of us on this forum have felt like 'losers' at one point or another, because the apparent consensus of this world tells us we are. We must rise above that. Consensus gave the world things like slavery, phrenology, keeping homosexuality in the DSM until 1973 and a variety of other horrors, all of which had massive support. Your feelings are valid; try and practice mindfulness and notice how they feel within your body, it is a way of validating your feelings and acknowledging them, which many autistic folk don't get from others. Then, when it feel comfortable, release the feeling and let it go. Most of us here will have been in this kind of scenario and most of us here, if not all of us, will know that there was no deliberate intention to cause hurt - therefore why worry? B*tches will try and make you responsible for their fragile egos, the task you face is to remain steadfast in the knowledge that you are NOT responsible for THEIR issues and THEIR neuroses.

 

[sidd851]

You tell yourself, repetitiously, until you know it to be true that you are not responsible for other people's feelings. We all get offended sometimes, it may or may not be part of being human, but those of us willing to be mature grown ups accept and realise that being offended is a choice, and if one chooses to, they can snap out of that state of mind.



A lot of people have issues with factual information; truth. That is their problem.



They are making you responsible for their feelings. It happens a lot to autistic people. There is a certain vulnerability there which needy vampires love to exploit, I've seen it a thousand times before. You are not responsible for their feelings. The fact that you feel bad about hurting their feelings is partly a good thing because it proves you are a kind person with good intentions, but you did nothing wrong - they did. They spotted a vulnerable, prime target for projection and chose to psychologically project their own crap onto you. Become aware of this paradigm and you will begin to spot it everywhere. It is rife in this world.



Again, common thing for an autistic person to be told their behaviour is 'embarassing', again, seen it a thousand times before. They are the embarrassment; to themselves, because they can't handle honesty and attack people who are honest because they have the emotional maturity of two year olds. Again, that is their problem. Take my word for it, you did nothing wrong - they did.



They're fake, disingenuous zombies. You could have a more meaningful relationship with a plant. And that isn't a joke, either.



Again, the fact that you feel guilty is partly good, it means you are a kind person. But I'll reiterate, you did nothing wrong. You go on by having faith that this is probably all a test and by trying to stay as true to yourself as you can, and also by not letting people treating you badly diminish your character. Continue to be a kind person, but on your own terms, with boundaries.



Probably the majority of us on this forum have felt like 'losers' at one point or another, because the apparent consensus of this world tells us we are. We must rise above that. Consensus gave the world things like slavery, phrenology, keeping homosexuality in the DSM until 1973 and a variety of other horrors, all of which had massive support. Your feelings are valid; try and practice mindfulness and notice how they feel within your body, it is a way of validating your feelings and acknowledging them, which many autistic folk don't get from others. Then, when it feel comfortable, release the feeling and let it go. Most of us here will have been in this kind of scenario and most of us here, if not all of us, will know that there was no deliberate intention to cause hurt - therefore why worry? B*tches will try and make you responsible for their fragile egos, the task you face is to remain steadfast in the knowledge that you are NOT responsible for THEIR issues and THEIR neuroses.

Yes! This! Thank you for such an eloquent defense. Simply reading this feels like empowerment. And I can vouch for the efficacy of mindfulness (meditation).

 

[Progster]

Very apologetic where I know that I'm in the wrong, I just want to curl up into a ball and die (not really die, but you know what I mean). I replay it in my head again and again, and don't get over it too easily.

 

[Gracey]

I wrote my first response six months ago,

Thinking about it now, (six months later)
‘How do I handle humiliation?’

With less of a defensive reaction I think.

It isn’t that I embarrass myself any less,
I think it’s questioning how I feel about that.

I know I’ll embarrass myself, it’s what I do. It’s part of me.

Rather than jump straight onto defence or wanting to crawl up my own ass,
Just stop, view it as less of a drama because let’s face it, I expect it to happen.

-not sure if I’m making sense.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

not sure if I’m making sense

Don't make sense make sausages.

 

[Gracey]

Don't make sense make sausages.

Can I order that sausage skin stuff from amazon?

 

[sidd851]

Don't make sense make sausages.

But...
Seeds are so biologically EXPENSIVE...

 

[LucyPurrs]

Seeds are so biologically EXPENSIVE...

But you don't use seeds to make sausages.

 

[LucyPurrs]

How do I handle humiliations? I turn beet red.

 

[Mary Anne]

How do I go on? I feel so sad that I hurt other people but also humiliated that I screwed It all up, again. Honestly, I didn’t even think what I did was so awful. To me, I just spoke a truth. Sadly, I hurt someone but that wasn’t my intention.

Now I’m just sad & feeling like a loser. That I can’t have friends cuz I’m such a AH. Worse, this is a pattern for me. Different situations but I still blunder thru them & end up feeling like crap.

How do others handle this?

Is it possible for you to put yourself in another person’s place and imagine what it would feel like if you wanted a friend, and they went around telling people that you “had a crush on them?” Yikes. Truth is not always wanted, invited, or needed. Truthfulness often is something to keep under wraps. Besides, no one really knows the truth in this matter, and it could be mixed signals. Best not to be concerned with communicating “truths” to others.

Ok, I don’t want to make you feel worse, but I don’ think you can make this blunder right or mend the broken friendships. Because they have not been long time deep friends- they are new friends you made, and they might feel now that they can never trust you about anything again.

I too have had many problems with this sort of thing in my earlier life. Many sorrows because I said something that others “ took all wrong.” I have learned to really ask myself multiple times now IF (and HOW) I should say certain things...what would the consequences be in various scenarios. I can now do this rather quickly in my head. I used to be so impulsive with my words, and it would have permanent damaging effects.

These are the things I ask myself: Is the info appropriate? Is the time and place right for saying whatever is on my mind? How will the words be accepted by others? What are the potential consequences? Is there a possibility that others will misunderstand what I am saying? Is it neccessary for me to make this statement? Why am I so compelled to say these things that continually get me into trouble?

Build this inner filter! It takes practice! Start to understand how others would feel. If you cannot do that, pretend that if if you were that person, how would YOU feel if someone said something private, conflicting, controversial, or untrue about you?

 

[sidd851]

But you don't use seeds to make sausages.

Then...
Why are Italian sausages so spicy, and what is it in them that keeps getting stuck in my teeth?!?

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

How do I handle humiliations? I turn beet red.

Beets are already red.

Seems like a pointless job.

 

[Mary Anne]

Hits the nail on the head. Accordingly, I have a more cynical view of the advice given above re. "NTs love niceties" so just try to give out pleasantries, niceties, non-contentious platitudes and you'll come out of social encounters unscathed. Not so. You're lucky if "giving out niceties" leaves you unscathed. More usually, social life cannot be thus formularised/formulated (?) - at least not for Aspergers.

NTs can give out niceties and astonishingly people take it at face-value and lap it up uncritically; they probably describe them as a "charming" or "lovely" person. But because of Aspergers' aura of oddness and low social status, if they give out niceties, it can often be rounded on as something they're doing wrong. Basically NTs can seize upon anything Aspergers are doing in order to exercise their one-upmanship over Aspergers. Aspergers can be doing the exact same things as NTs - usually because they are striving to be inoffensive, inconspicuous, and pass as NT (normal) - and that still does not make them immune to potential social censure.

This is the same reason NTs can be rude and insulting with impunity, but if an Asperger is rude and insulting, the backlash can be vitriolic. I'm inclined to think that the backlash would be less vicious if the Asperger were rude and insulting *on purpose* - with spiteful, malevolent intent behind it. Perhaps NTs sense rather that it is *unconscious* and that is the factor which adds such venomous fury and indignation to their reaction: that the remark was given out innocently, obliviously.

I think you are being extremely “rude” and “insulting” yourself when you judge and assess all people that are not on the aspie spectrum. What you are saying about others is EXACTLY a description of you here in your post. “Venomous fury and indignation” is exactly what Your own rant is all about. There is no way to describe “all people” in this critical manner. If anything, you are exactly the same as those you seem to hate and judge.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Lucy

This was not my post you are quoting- it was JDartistic who wrote it. We are 2 different people.

Then...
Why are Italian sausages so spicy, and what is it in them that keeps getting stuck in my teeth?!?

You are right!!! Point well taken

 

[sidd851]

This was not my post you are quoting- it was JDartistic who wrote it. We are 2 different people.


You are right!!! Point well taken

Something strange going on here...
Unfortunately, responsibility calls, can't investigate.
Still figuring out this "forum" thing.
Know that I appreciate you ALL
Thank You, maybe ttys,