How many people here really have Autism?

[tree]

I am asking because lately I been getting bad advice mainly regarding relationships and how it's my fault I am not in one.

The advice sounds like something an non autistic person would say like "just go up and talk to her" something if the person has ASD would be extremely difficult to do.

When you get advice you don't feel up to using you call it 'bad advice.'

There for a moment you did actually seem to be considering that your own
behavior is playing a part in the lack of female companions.

https://www.autismforums.com/thread...day-and-felt-nothing.40957/page-3#post-891094

You talk about the single guys and married couples who consistently act
friendly toward you. It's amazing how resilient and accepting they are.
Like they are trying to be merciful/kind to a very frightened animal.

Then you say that you reward that by loathing them.

It seems like you really don't have a clear image of how you're coming across.

As far as running out of things to say, it's possible to make conversation by
showing an interest in the other person. Asking questions is one way. Replying
with open ended remarks (saying things that don't require a "yes" or "no" answer.)

And....there's always your phone.
Your avatar is a photo of your cats.
I've suggested previously that a ready source of conversation can be
your pets. I've asked you questions about them.

Disappointing that you've never thought to reply to any of my questions or
suggestions regarding using pictures of your pets as a vehicle toward
pleasant interactions with other people.

 

[Darkkin]

People have a tendency to forget that even though the numbers of autistic females are 75% lower than male autistics, we do still exist. AND we know how to read...heavens above, do I read because so much about people is revealed in the context of conversation.

From a diagnosed female standpoint:

You have autonomy of your home situation. You have a decent circle of friends. You have pets. You have a job. All the basic needs are met. You adult surprisingly well...but most importantly you are content with your self and your situation.


Then you read through thread after thread of guys bemoaning the fact they have no significant other, begruding those who do, and obsessing on the fact and every ugly thought it brings.

This is what people see, is this negative obsession...what reasonable woman be they ND or NT is going to look at that and say, 'Hey! I want my world to revolve around that!'

Reality check, women who are socially stable and reasonable human beings are not stupid or desperate. They do pay attention to things and when context clues point to self absorbed toxicity and obsession of status they will keep a wide breadth.

Female social dynamics are different than male, and we will bring 'vibes' into the discussion. A lot of the time those 'vibes' are felt by multiple individuals in the group, not just one person.

Attitude matters because it is clearly visible to others. Walk around with an unyielding chip on one's shoulder and people will avoid that individual on principle to avoid unnecessary drama.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I understand what you are all saying. Don't you realize that in 2019 it was a huge step in even trying a Church and socializing. I just really thought I would meet my life partner there.

Also reading my post history I even said early on that I did not care for a relationship. I just wanted to socialize. Which was not true deep in my heart. But then I had burnout.

It was only after a while of possible single girls completely ignoring me and only couples and single guys talking to me I started to get irritating.

I never told this story but one time an attractive woman sat next to me. She would not give me the time of day. During the greeting me and her sat next to each other completely ignoring each other. We did briefly keep look at each other. The only thing I said to her was excuse me when I had to go to the rest room. It was a bad experience and I still feel the rejection. I never saw her again after that.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I never told this story but one time an attractive woman sat next to me. She would not give me the time of day. During the greeting me and her sat next to each other completely ignoring each other. We did briefly keep look at each other. The only thing I said to her was excuse me when I had to go to the rest room. It was a bad experience and I still feel the rejection. I never saw her again after that.

That's not rejection, that's two shy people avoiding the first move. She was probably waiting for you to say something first.
That's not me trying to prove you wrong, that's me telling you I've been there and it's not rejection, even if it feels that way.

 

[tree]

@Tony Ramirez
"....one time an attractive woman sat next to me. She would not give me the time of day. During the greeting me and her sat next to each other completely ignoring each other. We did briefly keep look at each other. The only thing I said to her was excuse me when I had to go to the rest room. It was a bad experience and I still feel the rejection. I never saw her again after that."

You say you feel the rejection.
Maybe she does, too.
Or maybe she's forgotten all about it by now.

What were you expecting her to do, given that you were "both ignoring each other,"
and your peak interaction was to say 'excuse me.'?

Isn't it possible this was a relatively insignificant event?
Two people keeping to themselves during a public function?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

most importantly you are content with your self and your situation.

Bravo! I agree with everything you say. I think my future spouse fell in love with me when I unabashedly enjoyed my life and shared adventures and experiences with her. (we had a GREAT time winter camping and XC-skiing in Northern Michigan when we were dating!)

Plus, before me she felt used by men she wanted a relationship with and I always demonstrated respect towards her and enjoyed experiencing her pleasure when we made love.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Tony Ramirez
"....one time an attractive woman sat next to me. She would not give me the time of day. During the greeting me and her sat next to each other completely ignoring each other. We did briefly keep look at each other. The only thing I said to her was excuse me when I had to go to the rest room. It was a bad experience and I still feel the rejection. I never saw her again after that."

You feel the rejection.
Maybe she does, too.
Or maybe she's forgotten all about it by now.

What were you expecting her to do, given that you were "both ignoring each other,"
and your peak interaction was to say 'excuse me.'?

Isn't it possible this was a relatively insignificant event?
Two people keeping to themselves during a public function?

So true! A realization that made a great difference to me was when I would bemoan my lack of dating by thinking two LIES; that women fall for manipulative jerks, and women have it easier in attracting a date. I came to the conclusion that I did nothing to give them a choice, especially with the more sensitive women who were approached by men not her type. That gave me the impetus to approach women.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Tony Ramirez, first of all,...I've been sitting back and reading this thread,...and all I can say is that I can sense your frustrations here. As you may know, I have been married for the better part of 36 years,...and I come from a totally different cultural generation. So, I don't know if any of this is going to be helpful.

I have spoken several times here on my relationship with my wife,...and all I can say is that given my level of autism, I would not consider it to be "conventional" or "normal" from a bonding, social, and communication perspective. I think this is likely where the disconnect between expectation and reality are,...and your frustration.

The biggest hurdle in any relationship is the start. Once it starts, there is some degree of momentum that has to carry it through. Treating the other person with care, respect, and interest is first,...as you would like to be treated. Now, I understand the anxiety of walking up and introducing yourself to some woman you've never met before,...good Lord,...that's a scary thing, especially if you are looking at potential rejection. The chances of two people just "hitting it off" are pretty low, even for a NT. I think the more "motivated" you are sexually, certainly keeps the "drive" forward in repeating this process until you are successful,...I am laughing here,..."How bad do you want to get laid?" Us old farts, back in the day,...we didn't have dating apps,...we had to go where the girls were and do our best,...it was humbling. You sort of had to have a sense of humor and humility about yourself and just roll with it. Guess what? We got laid,...maybe not with "Miss right",...but rather "Miss right now",...and we learned,...and had heartache.

Courage is being afraid,...and doing it anyways.

The next step is keeping a relationship. Again, I would fall upon care, respect, and interest. You might not be the most social and communicative, verbally,...but with me,...my love language is through touch,...handholding, a gentle caress, a kiss on the forehead, my arm around her. Most women,...and men, I believe, just want to know they are with a loving person who respects them. Sex is a once-in-a-while thing,...but being consistent with showing your love and support is vitally important.

I also think going out on "a date" is generally quite awkward for anyone on the spectrum,...it's generally not how we are wired up. Rather, I might suggest, "doing something",...hiking, biking, going for a walk, a music concert, the zoo,...whatever,...gives each one "something" to talk about as well as a shared experience. Sitting across the table from each other at a restaurant is horrible if you have little to talk about.

At any rate,...I feel for you. Maybe some of what I said may be helpful. Perhaps a different approach to things will help.

 

[Misery]

I understand what you are all saying.

Gotta say, I find it a tad hard to believe that.

Words only mean so much. If you understand it... why not prove it? Why not SHOW it, and make some changes? Take some actions in a positive direction? Stop being so hostile and hateful?

Seriously, if you actually understand... then prove it.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Us old farts, back in the day,...we didn't have dating apps,...we had to go where the girls were and do our best,...it was humbling.

You said it brother! But the nicest rejection I got was when the woman suggested somebody she thought was interested in me, and it worked out.

"doing something",...hiking, biking, going for a walk, a music concert, the zoo,...whatever,...gives each one "something" to talk about as well as a shared experience.

Exactly! And a dinner or meal after an activity certainly removes the awkardness of having a conversation and opens up lots of possibility.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

@Tony Ramirez
"....one time an attractive woman sat next to me. She would not give me the time of day. During the greeting me and her sat next to each other completely ignoring each other. We did briefly keep look at each other. The only thing I said to her was excuse me when I had to go to the rest room. It was a bad experience and I still feel the rejection. I never saw her again after that."

You say you feel the rejection.
Maybe she does, too.
Or maybe she's forgotten all about it by now.

What were you expecting her to do, given that you were "both ignoring each other,"
and your peak interaction was to say 'excuse me.'?

Isn't it possible this was a relatively insignificant event?
Two people keeping to themselves during a public function?

That is how women try to pick up guys went through, it many times, some are quite blatant.

 

[Matthias]

I am asking because lately I been getting bad advice mainly regarding relationships and how it's my fault I am not in one.

The advice sounds like something an non autistic person would say like "just go up and talk to her" something if the person has ASD would be extremely difficult to do.

There are people with severe autism who talk to everyone. Your difficulty approaching single women is due to social anxiety, not autism. The fact that you can talk to women who are in a relationship demonstrates that you're capable of talking to women. The only difference I can think of between talking to a single woman and a woman in a relationship is a fear of being rejected. That's an anxiety problem and there are effective treatments for it (CBT to correct cognitive distortions and exposure therapy to train your brain to not react with anxiety).

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's true It's much easier for women to find love than men. A woman from my life group found her spouse using a dating app. She was single for a long time but the first dating app she found someone right away and became an stupid couple.

I believe that this is untrue. From a relationship coach there is this: "Not being approached by anyone who's their type is a particular problem for shy women who are into guys who are more quirky, sensitive, or intellectual, since those types of men tend not to be very forward themselves."
Or this: "A problem some shy women report having is that they're able to find boyfriends, but the guys who typically take the initiative to try to date them aren't the ones they're truly into."

When I was declining into loneliness I thought that women only wanted manipulative jerks. My "come to jesus" moment was when I recognized that I was not acting in a manner to present some of these beautiful, shy, women a real choice to connect with a decent person like me.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That's not rejection, that's two shy people avoiding the first move. She was probably waiting for you to say something first.
That's not me trying to prove you wrong, that's me telling you I've been there and it's not rejection, even if it feels that way.

Thats what has been going on in my head since that day. I did once talk to a woman at group I knew, and I said why don't woman talk to me first. She said I am afraid to approach you. Then I said I am afraid to approach you, so we end up in a stalemate.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Echo chamber (media) - Wikipedia

 

[Misery]

Echo chamber (media) - Wikipedia

Aye, likely the original intention, whether realized or not.

 

[tree]

Aye, likely the original intention, whether realized or not.

I've only seen this phrase used in a negative way.

It occurs to me that it could work in a positive way, though.
Similar to the effect intended by Strengths Bombardment.

(A group activity, where in a selected individual receives the
positive focus of each of the members of the group for a
predetermined length of time, like 2 minutes.)

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Now that I remember more detail I was sitting by myself and she came and sat next to me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Tony, I have learned from hard experience that I have regretted those things that I failed to do rather than face my fears and take a risk to obtain what I desired.

You can do it. Introduce yourself and don't act like a deer in the headlights next time.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I had a women sit next to me once city hall Toronto was still in college not looking for girl friend, she asked me if I wanted a bit off her hot dog , I was enjoying the sunshine and ambience that's the way some women break the rules they are sick of the men not approaching them. It looks like they like what they see in you want to get to know you better. Like me you did not act the way they expected, big risk for a women default is let the man make the move. My nature is to do things on my terms.