Life Coach. Good use of funds, 1) Provided they understand men on the spectrum, and 2) You take what they say to heart. 3) Must be open to being self introspective. PS Requires an open mind to the point that one does not become argumentative.
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How many people here really have Autism?
- Thread starter Tony Ramirez
- Start date
If I had to do it again nothing will change. I would still sit there like a stalemate no matter what prescription drugs I take or therapy.
Go ahead call me an coward.
Go ahead call me an coward.
Knower of nothing
Well-Known Member
Absolutely same. Only thing that I'm able to do is have other people approach me (multiple times before I let them in) or use text online. And even text online was scary for quite a while until I made a friend for the first time.
I will not call you that, but I see your constant despair at realizing a relationship. What will it take for you to actively advocate for your happiness?
Tony, try to see the members you are getting upset at as likely your biggest supporters. You yourself said you have met couples in your life being friendly toward you, but you say you do not want any part of them and suggesting they annoy or disgust you. Then there are members here frustrated at you, yes, not because they want you to fail, but because they are trying so hard to assist you, but you are tuning them out too and acting like they or everyone else is the problem.
As well, these others you think dislike you could really instead have so much empathy not only for being willing to take a verbal lashing from you by them being truthful so as to increase your chances to be in a relationship, but they likely have empathy towards those you could be hurting too with your words or actions, for all who gave you sincere efforts and sound advice, but if they sensed you immediately dismissed that or did not even acknowledge their efforts.
There is a saying that basically says, 'If you are able and willing to critique others, you better be strong and able enough to handle criticisms, too.' In my case, I treat others as I'd like to be treated, but I have my limits as well. So, when you critiqued couples here on this forum, and in your life, for instance, when they gave efforts and showed friendliness and were willing to get to know you, giving you sincere advice, then you stating or suggesting they gave you bad advice, or you'd never want to deal with them, then realize this is a poor reflection on you, not them.
You also make the assumption that those who resort to giving you the harsher truth have done so from the beginning. Well, that is not how things usually work. Likely, the advice in the beginning from others would have been more receptive, as it is a feeling out stage and they have good ideas there to see how you'd reply. But, as more time elapses and if they see a more cynical and unappreciative personality, and that other was blaming everyone else but themself, in an obsessive and cyclic way, of course some others could step forward and basically say, 'Enough is enough. It's your attitude and lack of priorities that is reducing your relationship chances.'
I've said this before, but support to members here usually only goes so far, for those who want or need bigger things, if with that support they still continue their ways and push others away and expect different outcomes. That is either insanity or very low functioning it would seem, and of course that will make getting relationships harder, as persons they are in contact with will see or sense some abrasive attitude or negative rigid thought patterns. Most in relationships want positive persons who can change some, and not those who are always blaming others. They want responsible persons, and they often want persons who can treat others well too.
You know this but I am extremely jealous of couples especially ones with kids. It's like they don't even have to try to find their solemate yet no matter what new things I try, Church, groups, park and libraries I am reminded that I am a complete loser. There were engagements during Covid and new babies born but what do I get through this more weight a mask phobia and backpain.
I keep thining of my cousins and how easy they found there special person even my cousin that was divorced two times is now happily married and now an grandfather. I keep saying this "His 1 is my 10" according to my anxiety scale..
I keep thining of my cousins and how easy they found there special person even my cousin that was divorced two times is now happily married and now an grandfather. I keep saying this "His 1 is my 10" according to my anxiety scale..
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I'm afraid I will join but get no response. I read that's happened to people. I see myself as unattractive.
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Au Naturel
Au Naturel
Now THAT'S romantic!
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
It may come down to just going up and talking to her. But the anticipation of rejection becomes so painful and the chance of success seems so slim usually you just can't do it. The self-aware person understands that it is insecurity and oversensitivity that is preventing them from doing so. It isn't the girl's "fault." And it isn't your "fault" either. Pointing fingers and laying blame accomplishes nothing useful.
So work on those issues and eventually when you see a girl you are interested in, it won't be like crawling over broken glass in a pit of fire to say hello. And if she isn't interested or has a guy already, It isn't because she's a snob or they are stupid or cruel and it isn't because you are a fool. It just is. And you move on.
So work on those issues and eventually when you see a girl you are interested in, it won't be like crawling over broken glass in a pit of fire to say hello. And if she isn't interested or has a guy already, It isn't because she's a snob or they are stupid or cruel and it isn't because you are a fool. It just is. And you move on.
“I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am me. And if by chance we find each other, it will be beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.”
― Fritz Perls
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Au Naturel
Au Naturel
That's because they have interests in common but neither one is going to make a pass at the other. It is a very safe arrangement.
And that is understandable as I was the same as you then. I would be walking around parks at night each day and going to places by myself for twenty years feeling alone as a single guy jealous that everyone else was likely snug in their houses laughing at guys like me or having fun doing things I could not do. I had that empty and jealous feelings during my school, college and university years and through my mid thirties when others were socializing to others, dating others and whenever I saw them showing affection to others and laughing and seeming happy.
Being lonely like that is one of the worst feelings to have, and I am sorry you are going through that now and all those previous years too. I truly want you too to have a relationship too. There are ways to do such, if we are willing to be open minded and accept new ideas from others, and if we are willing to go step by step there and change some priorities. Try to think of "some couples" as having had so many difficulties as you had and have too, but refused to give up too until they found someone for them. Think of it as they found someone for them only after someone likely helping them there too.
Also, try to use any contact with others as a way to improve your social skills. Having good or better communication skills through such practice attempts with anyone willing to talk to you, try to see as a good thing. and an opportunity to show your good side and get that needed back and forth social practice. These persons could have answers for you too if you give them a chance. Not always would you receive answers geared to NT's, but geared to those persons with issues that are very hard to overcome, too. There are tons of persons with conditions that are no longer alone, and it's because they put their best foot forward and did not advertise many difficulties, and as they found someone truly wanting to help. There are many here that truly care there.
Any here is free to pm me, if they want further support and my point of view. Not much bothers me these days, as I focus on my kind efforts, supporting and looking at each situation as different, instead of caring if others like me or not. If what I say they don't like to hear, they are free to go elsewhere. Not everyone will be a fit, as we all have different preferences, limitations, strengths, tolerances and needs, short and long term. Just try to appreciate those that have tried to assist you, or that would try to help if you were open minded to that.
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In the words of Red Green; "Men, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy"
The best things in life require hard work. How many hours do you spend each day working on your problems to get yourself ready for a relationship? How many books do you read each week to improve your social skills, help process your emotions, and understand relationships better? If you put in enough effort, you'll be a winner.
Weight gain and back pain are often caused by emotional problems. Seeing a therapist to work on your emotions can help you lose weight and eliminate your back pain.
Your cousins were more successful because they made a greater effort to get what they wanted. Instead of adopting a victim mentality of whining about being single, blaming women for it, and refusing to listen to advice, they chose to respond in a positive, healthy way where they accepted responsibility for their situation, asked for advice and followed it, and took steps to reduce their anxiety to get themselves ready for a relationship.
At the rate you're going, you might be ready for a relationship in 50 years. However, if you adopt a positive attitude, get into a habit of thinking more positively, and spend a few hours each day working on your social skills, emotions, and learning about relationships you could be ready for a relationship in a few months.
Whether or not you succeed in accomplishing your goals is entirely up to you and the choices you make. The sooner you understand that, the better off you'll be.
And/or likeable and loveable which could mean having some other good character trait too, like being caring, selfless, honest but in a nice way, empathetic, a good listener, modest, open minded, intelligent, charming, calm, reliable, mentally strong, a good communicator, polite, hardworking, interesting, to name a few.
The point is, yes, consistently offer something of important value to that other, something that other strongly values too. The more of the mentioned one has, or shows, the more opportunities will exist. People will often assume unfairly what they cannot see.
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
I am extremely envious of people who can do calculus without difficulty. It does remind me of my own mathematical inadequacy and that inadequacy is why I didn't become a scientist or a high-level engineer. Doesn't make me feel bad about myself, it just is and there's no point in being unhappy about that which you cannot change. I found other things I could do well and did them.
Doesn't stop me from liking them or hanging out with them.
When I was a youngster I felt the same way about girls. Some guys were just magnets for them. Didn't cause me to dislike those guys or those girls. It was just the way it was. Most of the time I didn't share enough interests with them that it would have been a good fit anyhow. (Plus I was on the whiny and needy side and always had to win arguments and be right. That didn't help. But of course, at the time I didn't see it that way.)
Not being good with girls does not make you a loser. You've allowed your weak area to dominate your life. It means you aren't putting in the effort to have interesting things in your life otherwise. If you can't imagine any other things you might be interested in, then that's your problem. It isn't about girls. It is about your perception that girls are the only thing that matters.
That's understandable. But seeing as it seems to be the only thing you want in life, how can that stop you from trying?
As I said same thing happened in College and when I mentioned it on other forums they say not like she was going to run away screaming.
I mentioned earlier that I thought your difficulty with women was due to anxiety but after reading this post I think a sensitivity to rejection is your biggest problem that you should work on first. Experiencing anxiety because a very negative outcome (feeling suicidal) is likely to occur is completely normal and rational. If you reduce your sensitivity to rejection, I think it will also reduce your anxiety.
One thing that might help reduce your sensitivity to rejection is to tell yourself before approaching women that you're likely to get rejected and that you won't be any worse off if it happens to prepare your brain to respond to rejection differently. If you keep doing this, you should gradually become less sensitive to rejection. Another thing that may help is talking to your friends at church before approaching women to get their support and ask them to stay around to talk to your afterwards to help you feel better.
Au Naturel
Au Naturel
That's one of the differences between the "normal" crowd and the "diverse-i-verse." Fear of something so great it guarantees that no attempt is made. Then placing way, way too much importance on the outcome of the interaction, should one even attempt it.
The boys I knew who were NTs did not fear being turned down. Their point of view was "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." and that love is a game where you have an infinite number of strikes. All that you need is a single hit. Getting turned down did not crush them. It also did not confirm to them their unattractiveness.
They didn't define their value by getting a girl. They defined it by many different factors, of which only one was having a girlfriend, and some factors were inherent to simply existing. That kept them from being needy and from being badly hurt by rejection. So, "Must have girlfriend or I am worthless and life is meaningless." is something you need to work on.
To the degree you have done that, you won't come off as"needy" which will increase the chances of not being turned down. OTOH, coming across as egotistical doesn't work well either - unless you have the material trappings of success and status. That gets you a particular kind of girl.
You said that over COVID you put on weight and got back pain. The extra weight could easily be the cause of the back pain. (Could also be lack of exercise.) Learn to use your knees more. Back pain is an inevitable part of the aging process but weight loss, exercise, and being careful about how you move can keep it under control. I started getting occasional back pain in my 40s and it got worse in my 50s. In my 60s it improved because after I retired I lost 40 lbs. and exercised more.
Looking good doesn't hurt but unless you only want one-night-stands, it is a small part of what a girl looks for. A guy should look like he takes care of himself - basic grooming. Wash the hair, at least minimal styling, brush the teeth, mouthwash, bathe regularly, deodorant in the pits, clothing that isn't mismatched. (I got that advice from a girl in 9th grade.) If you don't, it is taken as a sign you don't care about yourself. If you don't, why should she?
Appearance and social status should not be a part of what you're looking for unless you only want a girl to make you look better through her proximity. That's just sad.
Meeting girls is a specific social skill set. Autistic folks have terrible social skill sets. You can learn these skillsets. (I learned mine thru the school of very hard knocks.) It may not come off as naturally as that of an NT and the skill set may not be complete, but NTs don't all have great girl-meeting skill sets either. It just seems that way because of observer bias. We stare at the successes and don't notice the failures because it doesn't agree with our narrative.
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