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I can't let go of wanting a girlfriend

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Markness said:
Someone literally told me in all caps to GIVE UP on wanting a girlfriend. This person hated me and didn’t want me to have a girlfriend so she expressed her anger at me whenever she could. I wanted to prove her wrong but I never could. She probably still hates me and hopes I never have a lover.
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I had a woman social media “friend” tell me I was a bad person. She didn’t even really know me. She blocked me. I internalized it because I don’t like when people hate me especially when they don’t know me. People told me that I should just get over it, like “poof. Gone”. I get blocked a lot because I’m opinionated. And I’m autistic and have been told I’m too honest. How can you be too honest. I just don’t understand the NT world very well. But it hurts when someone hates on you. I wish I had advice. People who hate like that have issues of their own. Their own trauma and it’s easy to project it onto the autistic guy.
 
Sure, money can't buy happiness, but it does help to have a few interests and to be able to make a little money on your own. This will make you attractive potentially to others in a similar situation to you.

You might want to consider being open to a casual relationship. It would mean no aim for commitment, so less pressure from that, but then you have the potential to satisfy your physical desires. Be upfront about asking potential dates that you aren't ready for commitment but are looking for something casual.

It might be easiest to look for other potential partners looking to be casual on an app. With casual, someone should be willing to make an appointment to meet within several days to 2 weeks at the most. While there is no specific rule, I personally don't want to chat online only through an app for too long without actually meeting a person. Concentrate on only local people.

If you want to consider people living further away, I can give you more advice, but it's much easier to keep to local in your current situation.
 
tommynewage said:
I had a woman social media “friend” tell me I was a bad person. She didn’t even really know me. She blocked me. I internalized it because I don’t like when people hate me especially when they don’t know me. People told me that I should just get over it, like “poof. Gone”. I get blocked a lot because I’m opinionated. And I’m autistic and have been told I’m too honest. How can you be too honest. I just don’t understand the NT world very well. But it hurts when someone hates on you. I wish I had advice. People who hate like that have issues of their own. Their own trauma and it’s easy to project it onto the autistic guy.
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Some things you post on social could possibly be projected to friend of friend's feeds too. I know Facebook does this and I think Instagram and other social media interfaces do this too. Maybe they don't want to be associated with others they don't agree with enough and feel that they need to keep other friends in their circle by disassociating with you. Be okay with all this and just realize that this is basically why this type of thing could be happening.
 
Markness said:
But how can I believe in the story?
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Admittedly, that's the hard part. For me personally, depending on the change in the story, it could be fairly quick to a really long time. It wasn't right away you believed all the negative things, so it won't be right away you believe anything positive.

And if you're like me in this, in the beginning, there's also a voice that fights you for trying to believe anything good. I say, "I'm allowed to be happy," but instantly hear a rebuttal of "Ha!" or "No, you're not!" or something similar. Hopefully you don't have that, because it makes things take longer, but it is possible to change the story even with it.

I think, giving yourself room helps. What I mean is, it's ok if you don't say good things every day or are especially down some days, etc. I would make things worse by beating myself up even more for not being consistent and comparing myself to others and of course that made things worse. Besides being judged harshly by some that made my previous self-hatred even deeper. No one hated me more than me but it was others judgements of me that made me feel that way and I didn't realize it. I say these things so you know that I'm not just smiling and saying, go for it and not knowing how difficult it is to actually accomplish, but that even though it is difficult, I believe you can do it as well.

I agree with leaving the "but" off of your sentences, though it will still happen a lot at first because it's what you're used to. Only looking at the positive helps, because the negative is usually at the end and what your mind will ruminate on. I still struggle with some positive things, but I have come quite a long way. Instead of saying and truly believing that I hate myself, I can say that I like me and am learning to love myself. I don't mean to be bright and cheery for everything, just to start saying more positive than negative to start changing the way your brain thinks about you and your situations. =)

Also, though you say the same things you are unhappy about a lot, you are also saying what you have done and are trying to do to change it and even looking for suggestions and things here. I don't believe that's doing nothing. I've learned that every baby step we take matters. When you look back in a year after taking one little step at a time, you'll be amazed at all you were able to accomplish. Some people can leap, and some of us take one step at a time. Neither is better, it just is and it's totally fine. We're all still moving forward.
 
Slime_Punk said:
Don't forget that we (humans) bond through vulnerability. Anyone who tells you to behave otherwise likely hasn't done too much of that themselves :)
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With vulnerability, go by context and usually give it a little time.
Also, it's okay to risk to "give" a little, and if you do not get proper reciprocation, that means it's time to move on or you just be okay with being only casual with the other person if both of you are okay with that.
 
One of my yoga teachers during class says, "I love my body" and "Tell yourself that I love myself".

You have to start to love yourself before someone can love you.
 
I know how you feel in the sense that sometimes, I get frustrated with me not having a boyfriend a bit.
However, the place I come from is totally different.
I'm very self-sufficient with my own car, side job (ride sharing), full time job, own place to live, slightly chubby with slight muscle, able to express myself and confidently go to my things on own, etc., and I still have a hard time dating sometimes.

I think unfortunately, people are not attracted to my race. Even though people generally don't say it right out, there are other things and preferences they have that indirectly imply this. Research online of dating apps as well imply the same trend. My race has implications that "I'm not hairy enough" which is a "thing" in the lgbt world, implies a size of anatomy not desirable by many, and this is on top of my slightly nuanced social traits that sometimes aren't a bad thing but could be a good thing in certain situations. it doesn't feel good when mostly people who smoke heavily, (and I don't like smoking) and people 20=40 years plus my senior are into me (and they are of their age or much older) are interested in me and that they think they are all that and I would be "dating down" extremely if I went with any of these people pretty much.

I get out socially more than enough and have had cut the number of times I get out. I was once in an lgbt "support" group of my racial makeup and the people in that group were mostly about 10 years younger than me, more immature than me, and I didn't feel like I could relate or truly be supported. A few people were mean to me and ruined an event of online board games that I was going to run through them. So, I immediately left the group after that occurrence.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
One of my yoga teachers during class says, "I love my body" and "Tell yourself that I love myself".

You have to start to love yourself before someone can love you.
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Some people have the idea that to "love yourself" is some kind of
magical sugar plum fairy dust saying.

In fact loving can be hard work.

A person demonstrates love toward himself by taking good care of
himself, mind and body. Like eating foods that are healthful. And
doing activities like yoga, walking, etc. Things that develop well
being physically.

And not telling themselves crummy stories like *I'm a loser, Everybody
hates me, I can't do anything right.* That kind of stuff is definitely
the opposite of demonstrating love toward oneself.
 
tree said:
Some people have the idea that to "love yourself" is some kind of
magical sugar plum fairy dust saying.

In fact loving can be hard work.

A person demonstrates love toward himself by taking good care of
himself, mind and body. Like eating foods that are healthful. And
doing activities like yoga, walking, etc. Things that develop well
being physically.

And not telling themselves crummy stories like *I'm a loser, Everybody
hates me, I can't do anything right.* That kind of stuff is definitely
the opposite of demonstrating love toward oneself.
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This is going to encourage my detractors to bad mouth about me.
 
What kind of people do you hang out with? If they treat you like this except for your family who you can't leave, then why are you still hang out with them?

Everyone I hang out with says positive things about me, understands me and treat me with respect.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
What kind of people do you hang out with? If they treat you like this except for your family who you can't leave, then why are you still friends with them?

Everyone I hang out with says positive things about me, understands me and treat me with respect.
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I don’t hang out with people who disrespect me. I have friends but I don’t see them very often.

There are people on this forum who dislike me and enjoy taking jabs at me whenever they get the chance.
 
Markness said:
There are people on this forum who dislike me and enjoy taking jabs at me whenever they get the chance.
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Why don't you put them on ignore? Then you don't need to see their jabs (real or perceived). I think it would also be helpful in terms of resilience to acknowledge the people on the forum who support and care about you more often, and talk less about your supposed detractors.
 
Stop telling yourself pointless crap.

Show some initiative, as if you cared about & for yourself.
 
Stuttermabolur said:
Why don't you put them on ignore? Then you don't need to see their jabs (real or perceived). I think it would also be helpful in terms of resilience to acknowledge the people on the forum who support and care about you more often, and talk less about your supposed detractors.
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I forget about that feature.

You’re right about the second point. I should show it more often.
 
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