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I can't let go of wanting a girlfriend

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tree said:
You don't seem to have much trouble believing
other stories you tell yourself.

What's the difficulty with being kindly supportive
toward yourself?
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You are so very right, @tree. Reframing my experiences positively has let me quell the negative thoughts from PTSD. @Markness needs to learn how to be gentle to himself in myriad ways. From Always With Me:
Keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part
Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painfull woes
Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you.

@Markness, this may not be your style, but listen to the lyrics actively. This is so very Buddhist and I think carries a message of acceptance and hope that you can use. Instead of your desperation, use the negatives you see as a guide to being self actualizing and appreciative of others. Do that and I think you can attract a woman hoping to meet a sensitive man. You must change!

 
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I feel like a lot of humans are desperate for things that they will eventually receive, otherwise everyone would technically be a lost cause when it comes to obtaining pretty much anything in life. I also don't know if desperation is at odds with the journey toward finding what you want in life, because removing the thirst for what you desire might actually remove the drive to ever push onward and get there, and then what? That's no solution, either.

I think the difficult part is finding out how to get what you want out of life, because although there are a million different ways (and even more combinations of ways), some people never switch up their tactic (or more commonly, don't try hard enough) and thus never find what they're looking for. You've got to be a little desperate or else you're not likely to follow through and dodge the hurdles on the road ahead. It's going to get bumpy!
 
Rodafina said:
Gerald, it’s not a competition. Everyone is on their own path. Markness doesn’t “reek” of anything.
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I know it isn't. Yet, Tony has done a complete turnaround, has been working on himself and I have seen a lot of positivity from him.

In contrast, Markness appears to have been infantilized by his mother, seems to have little control over his finances, refuses to be independent and despite exhortations by many here to improve his outlook, wallows in his woe-is-me angst. I would like to see him develop himself to offer something positive in a relationship, but his lack of seriousness in developing his potential is his distinguishing feature. Markness is a black hole of need and he exists under the event horizon. If Markness reads this he will interpret it as a hate filled screed. Yet, I have been where he is and recognized that I needed to change and did a lot of work, putting my ego on the line, being vulnerable in ways that I was not able to do before. In contrast Markness expects a relationship without working for it and developing the thick skin that comes from numerous turn downs.
 
Rodafina said:
Everyone is on their own path. Markness doesn’t “reek” of anything.
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Thank you, Rodafina. I don’t understand why others don’t think I haven’t done anything. I have made attempts to get out of my rut and it’s frustrating when my efforts aren’t successful. I really don’t know what to do with myself currently.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
I know it isn't. Yet, Tony has done a complete turnaround, has been working on himself and I have seen a lot of positivity from him.

In contrast, Markness appears to have been infantilized by his mother, seems to have little control over his finances, refuses to be independent and despite exhortations by many here to improve his outlook, wallows in his woe-is-me angst. I would like to see him develop himself to offer something positive in a relationship, but his lack of seriousness in developing his potential is his distinguishing feature. Markness is a black hole of need and he exists under the event horizon. If Markness reads this he will interpret it as a hate filled screed. Yet, I have been where he is and recognized that I needed to change and did a lot of work, putting my ego on the line, being vulnerable in ways that I was not able to do before. In contrast Markness expects a relationship without working for it and developing the thick skin that comes from numerous turn downs.
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Comparisons like this do not seem helpful because everyone’s experience is unique and different. My personal opinion is that I dislike the way you are speaking of Markness and he deserves more respect. It doesn’t matter much what I think, only what Markness thinks because it is a thread about him and I want him to see that I disagree with the way you are speaking about him.
 
Markness said:
Thank you, Rodafina. I don’t understand why others don’t think I haven’t done anything. I have made attempts to get out of my rut and it’s frustrating when my efforts aren’t successful. I really don’t know what to do with myself currently.
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Not all your efforts will be visible to others, but you know all the work that you have done and the things that you have tried and I choose to trust you.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
In contrast, Markness appears to have been infantilized by his mother, seems to have little control over his finances, refuses to be independent and despite exhortations by many here to improve his outlook, wallows in his woe-is-me angst. I would like to see him develop himself to offer something positive in a relationship, but his lack of seriousness in developing his potential is his distinguishing feature. Markness is a black hole of need and he exists under the event horizon.
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Do you really think this type of talk would have helped you when you were in his place? I understand the point you are making and I also get that you are frustrated with him, but thinking back, did harsh words help you gain confidence in your abilities or did they make you shrink down? I think calling someone a "black hole of need" is unnecessarily cruel. Being called that would only make me defensive and feel worse about myself.
 
Stuttermabolur said:
Do you really think this type of talk would have helped you when you were in his place? I understand the point you are making and I also get that you are frustrated with him, but thinking back, did harsh words help you gain confidence in your abilities or did they make you shrink down? I think calling someone a "black hole of need" is unnecessarily cruel. Being called that would only make me defensive and feel worse about myself.
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Thank you for your support, Stuttermabolur.
I don’t refuse to be independent. I am actively telling my mother I need my independence worked on.
 
"Comparison is the thief of joy"

It's hard in a hyper-connected world to not look at and compare oneself to others, but if we can try to tune things out a bit and just look at and celebrate ourselves, there's a lot to celebrate.
 
Stuttermabolur said:
Do you really think this type of talk would have helped you when you were in his place? I understand the point you are making and I also get that you are frustrated with him, but thinking back, did harsh words help you gain confidence in your abilities or did they make you shrink down? I think calling someone a "black hole of need" is unnecessarily cruel. Being called that would only make me defensive and feel worse about myself.
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Being told that my actions were why I was existentially lonely gave me the kick in ass that I needed to reclaim my agency and join the world. I did question my social abilities of which I had zero confidence and this was in contrast to my successes in basic research. Part of answering my external and internal critics was to map out how to gain social experience, and I took that on like a special interest. Doing nothing was not an option. Before being confronted with my failings I could point to everything but myself for my situation and still I felt lower than a cow pie on hot asphalt so there was no more down. I was my sternest critic, understanding that the only way up was to rebuild my agency. A very hard proposition when I abdicated so much to others, including control of my feelings. Perhaps going through all that has created a bias in me, so reading the constant stream of whinging and all I could think of is a person who cares too little of himself to develop healthy boundaries and agency.
 
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VictorR said:
"Comparison is the thief of joy"

It's hard in a hyper-connected world to not look at and compare oneself to others, but if we can try to tune things out a bit and just look at and celebrate ourselves, there's a lot to celebrate.
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On a certain level, I know that is true. I just have been struggling for years trying to get my life in order.
 
Gerald Wilgus said:
Being told that my actions were why I was existentially lonely gave me the kick in ass that I needed to reclaim my agency and join the world. I did question my social abilities of which I had zero confidence and this was in contrast to my successes in basic research. Before being confronted with my failings I could point to everything but myself for my situation and still I felt lower than a cow pie on hot asphalt so there was no more down. I was my sternest critic, understanding that the only way up was to rebuild my agency. A very hard proposition when I abdicated so much to others. Perhaps going through all that has created a bias in me, so reading the constant stream of whinging and all I could think of is a person who cares too little of himself to develop healthy boundaries and agency.
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I think you are letting your frustrations take a hold of you. There is a very big difference between being harsh on yourself and giving yourself a kick in the arse because of it and having someone who is essentially a stranger say you are under the event horizon and wallowing in angst.

Like I said in my earlier comment, I understand the point you were making in that comment about the need for gaining independence to improve your situation, but I think they way you say it is very counterproductive, and risks having the opposite effect than is intended when said to someone dealing with depression. I suggest you take a step back and read your comments carefully over to consider how they might be received before sending them. I think your frustrations are bleeding into your comments and making you impulsive.
 
Markness said:
Thank you, Rodafina. I don’t understand why others don’t think I haven’t done anything. I have made attempts to get out of my rut and it’s frustrating when my efforts aren’t successful. I really don’t know what to do with myself currently.
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So why don't you post the successful small steps you have made and what you are learning about yourself rather than whinging about your failures.
 
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