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I can’t stop ruminating.

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Hypnalis said:
I understand and it's important. But not being intimidated doesn't mean they're worth your time. "Stubbornness" is good sometimes (the "perseverance" style is a virtue), but allowing your behavior to be shaped by a need to push back is a weakness.
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Firstly, "My life, my choice."
My time to waste. :cool:

Secondly, pushing back against anti-social behaviour is who I am...who I have always been.
There was a time when this was a common characteristic of ppl on the spectrum.
It is innate in me, and I am happy to be like this when I chose to be.
Some might go so far to say it is a true unadulterated natural virtue.

Also:
Pushing back against abusive behaviour is not the same as being controlled by that behaviour.
I hope you can see the distinction.

"Know your boundaries."
"Don't let others breach your boundaries."
Stand up for yourself and others where it is appropriate. :cool:
 
It is not bullying to be reminded of the rules whenever you break them. It is not bullying to be told that dumping your problems into unrelated threads and fora is called "Thread-Jacking". It is not bullying for someone to point out that starting multiple threads on the exact same topic is called "Spamming". It is not bullying for someone to reply to your latest rant on being dateless by pointing out that the single most common factor in all of your failed attempts at relationships is likely to be you. Finally, it is not bullying to suggest that you might be better off to avoid posting your personal problems on social media in the first place because your personal problems require personal solutions, not social media attention.
 
Markness said:
I think even the few people who were still supportive of me until 2022 wish me the worst now.
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I think women want the worst in me. Even ones who want or are my friends I accuse them call them nasty things behind them back. All because I have PTSD from actually being ostracized from them or maybe thinking I was because I did not understand social cues which I still don't get now.
 
tree said:
The title of the thread is "I can't stop ruminating."
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Thank you for the reminder.

Sometimes, long after leaving my home town, I still wake up in the middle of the night with the words "They never wanted me around" and "They never cared how I felt" on my lips. Then I remember that "They" have mostly passed away, and I shed a little tear for those lost years, roll over, and go back to sleep.

That's about all I have to say on the matter.
 
The habit of rumination is something we can change with a concerted effort.

A visual from the article in post #115:

1720260412573.png


And a video:

 
I ruminate all the time, thinking about my "Happy Places". :cool:

1. Myth: Ruminating thoughts are always detrimental.​


Fact: Ruminating thoughts can be positive and beneficial.


Negative thinking can lead to depression and anxiety. Negative rumination is the repetitive focus on thoughts that cause sad and negative emotions. On the other hand, positive rumination is characterized by focusing on repetitive thoughts that trigger feelings of good emotions. Reliving how happy a good moment feels is an example of positive rumination. Positive ruminations can be protective against depressive symptoms and build confidence. Further, decreasing brooding and increasing positive rumination may improve depressive symptoms.
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https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/mental-health/rumination/rumination-myths/
 
Tony Ramirez said:
I think women want the worst in me. Even ones who want or are my friends I accuse them call them nasty things behind them back. All because I have PTSD from actually being ostracized from them or maybe thinking I was because I did not understand social cues which I still don't get now.
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Women really don't care, Tony, especially anonymous women you see in public places that you don't personally know. They're not thinking "oh, I want the worst for this guy". In fact, they probably aren't thinking about you whatsoever unless you unnecessarily sit too close to them or try to pick them up by initiating a conversation with them which can give them the creeps. You're falsely telling yourself that your failure with women is women's fault. You get angry and turn to pornography, almost as if you're punishing them by looking at porn.

You've identified your primary problem: You don't understand social cues, social norms, social mores. That's something you definitely can work on.
 
Markness said:
Close minded and backwards culture is the root of my struggles.
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Perhaps that's a small factor for you. Yet Tony lives in NYC which is full of diverse, open minded people and cultures, and he struggles like you do to form a relationship with a woman. It's clearly not just a close minded and backwards culture that causes you to fail.

You are refusing to get out of your house and to make contact with women. Nothing will ever happen for you until you do that!
 
I don't know that I'd say Markness 'refuses' to go out and make contact.
To me it looks more like he thinks about it a lot and hesitates to do so
out of fear of the outcome of that action.
 
tree said:
I don't know that I'd say Markness 'refuses' to go out and make contact.
To me it looks more like he thinks about it a lot and hesitates to do so
out of fear of the outcome of that action.
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I agree that he is afraid of rejection and has low self-esteem. But he refuses to even try. He is going to have to go outside his house to meet or interact with women because they apparently don't go to his house where he might meet them. I wish Markness could be happy and content in and of himself regardless of his lack of a relationship with a woman.
 
I think saying he refuses to even try is overstating the case.

His attempts do seem very timid, at times, but he does often
frequent retail establishments where he has conversation with
female employees.

He is frequently dis-satisfied with his attempts to make
conversation.
 
tree said:
I think saying he refuses to even try is overstating the case.

His attempts do seem very timid, at times, but he does often
frequent retail establishments where he has conversation with
female employees.

He is frequently dis-satisfied with his attempts to make
conversation.
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Okay, perhaps I am overstating the situation. He has expressed an interest in a retail cashier but has not taken the next step of actually asking her if she would like to do something with him. I know he is afraid of rejection. I get that. But nothing will ever happen for him until he does something more than just handing her money for his purchases.
 
tree said:
I think saying he refuses to even try is overstating the case.

His attempts do seem very timid, at times, but he does often
frequent retail establishments where he has conversation with
female employees.

He is frequently dis-satisfied with his attempts to make
conversation.
Click to expand...

Another thing this forum does well is to encourage people to converse and interact. It is good practice for many people who are too shy or lacking in social skills to do it verbally, face to face. If people can feel comfortable and confident with written conversations here, then the next step would be to do it in real life.
 
Mary Terry said:
I agree that he is afraid of rejection and has low self-esteem. But he refuses to even try. He is going to have to go outside his house to meet or interact with women because they apparently don't go to his house where he might meet them. I wish Markness could be happy and content in and of himself regardless of his lack of a relationship with a woman.
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FDR said it so simply, yet so eloquently. But I do sometimes wonder if people really understand it in a psychological sense. - "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." That when one hits a perceived situation that could be called "rock bottom", that it can become a precipice of sorts to begin to climb out of whatever abyss one has made for themselves. But unlikely to, as long as they are so intensely gripped by their own sense of fear, and the fear of what others might think or say.

The psychological "beauty" of "hitting rock bottom" is that point when you can afford to take perceived social risks, because in reality you have nothing to lose. Personally I think hitting that point was what helped me reach out to someone I became smitten with at work....and simply lost all that fear and hesitation to to anything about it. I just didn't care if I was making a fool out of myself, and in front of all my coworkers. I've been where he is....but figured a way out.

@Markness has nothing left to fear. That he's been on that "rock bottom" for a very long time, unable to realize how to lift himself out of that abyss. Instead of ruminating over waiting for that ultimate optimal moment at the right time and place, he needs to forget all that and just throw caution to the wind. And for as many times as it takes until he finally is at a place socially with someone that he has intended all along. Regardless of how anyone in his direct social orbit might criticize him for it.

For most if not all of humans, there are no "perfect scenarios" for socialization to ruminate over. That you just have to "go for it", always willing to risk failure or success. That not to do so, is likely to keep a person in a cycle of unending despair.
 
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