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I gained 20 pounds
- Thread starter Catlover614
- Start date
Catlover614
Love Conquers
You are welcome to engage in a private conversation with me.
Why not open up a dialogue with him, and demystify the topic? Pick a calm time, and each share how you both feel. You have the power to remain open to his feelings, and to respond calmly and honestly. You both are likely making guesses about how the other really thinks and feels. You love him, so offer a listening ear, and offer your kind, calm thoughts, too.
Even when someone loves us for who we are inside, it is a valid concern when someone's body is out of wellness equilibrium. Loving someone means wanting them to be well.
If any discussion of fitness will make you feel insulted, this may indeed shut off him communicating on this issue. Let him know you are open to dialogue. Give him an opportunity to encourage and support you as you make healthier choices. He may be worried you will just avoid responsibility by being insulted, or accusing him of being shallow.
You could help him understand the stress you are under "I've been dealing with depression and anxiety," and let him know, too, that you are taking ongoing, continual responsibility, "So I started seeing a local psychiatrist, and am excited about the low cost swim program I found, plus I want to find a nutritionist through my insurance." So, he knows the one he loves will be working toward being well and healthy.
Thankfully, the YMCA is actually affordable. Their Membership For All Program makes it income-based, so those of us with disabilities who are super low income can afford to join. Yay!
Even when someone loves us for who we are inside, it is a valid concern when someone's body is out of wellness equilibrium. Loving someone means wanting them to be well.
If any discussion of fitness will make you feel insulted, this may indeed shut off him communicating on this issue. Let him know you are open to dialogue. Give him an opportunity to encourage and support you as you make healthier choices. He may be worried you will just avoid responsibility by being insulted, or accusing him of being shallow.
You could help him understand the stress you are under "I've been dealing with depression and anxiety," and let him know, too, that you are taking ongoing, continual responsibility, "So I started seeing a local psychiatrist, and am excited about the low cost swim program I found, plus I want to find a nutritionist through my insurance." So, he knows the one he loves will be working toward being well and healthy.
Thankfully, the YMCA is actually affordable. Their Membership For All Program makes it income-based, so those of us with disabilities who are super low income can afford to join. Yay!
Catlover614
Love Conquers
I was unaware that YMCA had such a program. Thanks for your great advice!
Cali Cat
Femme Ferale
Uh ... eh hem ... well, I'd be scouting to find myself a different and better man if that's the case.
My cousin lost an astounding amount of weight with total obedience to "Weightwatchers". But in all honesty I suspect her food budget is somewhere between 2.5 and 3 times mine. Can't be cheap to be eating all that fresh, healthy food.
But wow...over time she went from obese to petite. Amazing.
But wow...over time she went from obese to petite. Amazing.
Lena_C
Dystonic pianist
You can have carbonated mineral water, to replace soda.
Some people like soda just because the sparkling feeling, if you're this type of people, then the sugar in soda are not necessary for you to maintain a good mood.
If you can't stay the bitterness, add some lemon in(but no sugar!)
Try to cut up sauce, they contain A LOT OF calories, salt and fat.
If you still feel the need to have them with you, use less.
This will help you a lot if the cause is comfort food.
Oh, and you can have cheese, avoid cream cheese, the harder the healthier.(hard cheese have high calcium and low fat,e.g. blue cheese)
Some people like soda just because the sparkling feeling, if you're this type of people, then the sugar in soda are not necessary for you to maintain a good mood.
If you can't stay the bitterness, add some lemon in(but no sugar!)
Try to cut up sauce, they contain A LOT OF calories, salt and fat.
If you still feel the need to have them with you, use less.
This will help you a lot if the cause is comfort food.
Oh, and you can have cheese, avoid cream cheese, the harder the healthier.(hard cheese have high calcium and low fat,e.g. blue cheese)
"My pressures are trying to gain employment as an autistic and keeping fit and maintaining a relationship with an NT....all the while ignoring my own special needs in order to make him happy. I get told that I'm being selfish and immature when I truly NEED "me time"."
I am very sorry to hear this. Because that is not loving behavior.
This is not about the weight. This is about your boyfriend being demanding and selfish. It takes two to make a relationship, and it sounds like he demands that YOU do all the giving.
It is very common. That doesn't mean any of us should put up with it. And we certainly should not be treated as though we are not "worthy" as a way of changing anything about our lovely selves.
I am very sorry to hear this. Because that is not loving behavior.
This is not about the weight. This is about your boyfriend being demanding and selfish. It takes two to make a relationship, and it sounds like he demands that YOU do all the giving.
It is very common. That doesn't mean any of us should put up with it. And we certainly should not be treated as though we are not "worthy" as a way of changing anything about our lovely selves.
I think sex could be different based on body type. It is something that should be discussed if he cares about you. I have a tendency to do this myself, but unlike your bf i can be honest 1-1 about my desires and my ideas of give and take. In any relationship, we have to be willing to tolerate something if it will truly work.
Major
Think-a-Holic
Hopefully he feels lucky to have your weirdness around rather than "putting up with" anything and enjoys your differences and what it brings to your relationship? Give and take as far as values go I don't think is a mandatory part of a relationship. There is compromise but if someone is asking you to sacrifice your value system I'm not sure that's something expected in general. Especially if they were just putting up with me. I don't have any advice because Im not comfortable with that but I can tell you when I was faced with difficult relationships the best advice I got was to work on myself and the things that bring me happiness. So if that's weight loss and more people in your world than that's something you can do in your own decided time and way. For me it was making time to work on my own hobbies and my own time and Im still working on it. But its made me happier and me happier helps my relationships also. If losing weight isnt what will make you happy will it help your relationship grow I dont know.
Don't lose or gain weight for another person. You want to to lose or gain or sculpt your body? Then yes. Jump in there and have at it. It is really satisfying to achieve a goal for ones' self.
p.s. Walking and eating and drinking only healthy foods and beverages works great.
p.s. Walking and eating and drinking only healthy foods and beverages works great.
I have been through the same thing as you. It happened with my ex, who sounds very similar to your partner. Unfortunately the signs are all there that your relationship is over. Believe me, I know you don't want to be alone... You're feeling that it's better to be with him than nothing. But how is it making you feel to be with him? Are the negatives of the relationship worse than being alone without the negatives, without the pain?
I didn't want to hear it when my friends tried to get me to see that my first marriage was over, so I completely understand what you may be feeling.
My friends were right, though: a few months later I discovered he was cheating. And that is my main point. I don't want to say warning, so I'll call it a red flag: if he is making demands about your body, complaining you don't look good, being turned on by other women, and using pornography (especially openly), he is also very likely to either be cheating now or he will in the future. His behaviour toward you is utterly disrespectful and he is taking you for granted or using you for something: are you living together? Do you do some kind of jobs for him? Like cleaning, cooking, etc? Paying rent? (I did all three... Stupid me) Is he using you as his substitute mother? If he isn't having sex with you and is interested in other women, and he doesn't get emotional support from you (because he avoids it), then I'm afraid he is getting something else out of you, and that is most likely going to be a mother figure.
It sounds like he isn't expecting you to get up and leave. He wants to be in control, hence his silencing all complaint and discussion of the issues.
Give and take is good. But if the things you have to give make you uncomfortable - if they mean compromising your morals, or don't sit well with you, or make you depressed - then it's not right for you and it never will be. (I speak from experience.) There are other people out there. You don't have to put up with the way he treats you.
I left, and was alone and so lonely for a few years. But it was definitely, 100% without a doubt the best thing I could have done! Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to appreciate the light. It's hard to know a good thing (or person) when you find it if you haven't seen the bad side of things.
(My ex husband didn't stay with the person he dumped me for. And has since been with several people, one of whom he fathered a daughter with. But he is still single because he can't be satisfied with one person. I, on the other hand, found my soul mate. And we are still together, very happily.)
Catlover614
Love Conquers
I consider
Thank you, can't respond now (he's here).I have been through the same thing as you. It happened with my ex, who sounds very similar to your partner. Unfortunately the signs are all there that your relationship is over. Believe me, I know you don't want to be alone... You're feeling that it's better to be with him than nothing. But how is it making you feel to be with him? Are the negatives of the relationship worse than being alone without the negatives, without the pain?
I didn't want to hear it when my friends tried to get me to see that my first marriage was over, so I completely understand what you may be feeling.
My friends were right, though: a few months later I discovered he was cheating. And that is my main point. I don't want to say warning, so I'll call it a red flag: if he is making demands about your body, complaining you don't look good, being turned on by other women, and using pornography (especially openly), he is also very likely to either be cheating now or he will in the future. His behaviour toward you is utterly disrespectful and he is taking you for granted or using you for something: are you living together? Do you do some kind of jobs for him? Like cleaning, cooking, etc? Paying rent? (I did all three... Stupid me) Is he using you as his substitute mother? If he isn't having sex with you and is interested in other women, and he doesn't get emotional support from you (because he avoids it), then I'm afraid he is getting something else out of you, and that is most likely going to be a mother figure.
It sounds like he isn't expecting you to get up and leave. He wants to be in control, hence his silencing all complaint and discussion of the issues.
Give and take is good. But if the things you have to give make you uncomfortable - if they mean compromising your morals, or don't sit well with you, or make you depressed - then it's not right for you and it never will be. (I speak from experience.) There are other people out there. You don't have to put up with the way he treats you.
I left, and was alone and so lonely for a few years. But it was definitely, 100% without a doubt the best thing I could have done! Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to appreciate the light. It's hard to know a good thing (or person) when you find it if you haven't seen the bad side of things.
(My ex husband didn't stay with the person he dumped me for. And has since been with several people, one of whom he fathered a daughter with. But he is still single because he can't be satisfied with one person. I, on the other hand, found my soul mate. And we are still together, very happily.)
Maybe your boyfriend should accept you each and every day as he finds you?
Through thick & thin...!
Catlover614
Love Conquers
Just completed 20 minutes of high cardio dance to the tune of "You Spin Me Round" by Dead or Live (love 80'smusic) and 5 minutes stretching and 2 dog walks. Ate Chinese food and drinking mostly water (consumed 1 caffeine free dr.pepper)
This is day 1 of my best that's yet to come. I've decided to lose the weight FOR ME.
This is day 1 of my best that's yet to come. I've decided to lose the weight FOR ME.
Catlover614
Love Conquers
It "excites" him enough to be able to
I see. Would he be willing to stop? To make you happy
Catlover614
Love Conquers
As long as he's not putting in my face...I can deal with him taking it into the bathroom before he comes to bed.
That seems fair enough, if you're ok with it. In all honesty I'm not sure what to say to that. 
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