If you were honest with yourselves, how many of you hate having this condition?

[Cutesie]

Not long enough at all. They should be at least two hours.

Yes, but flexible. Sometimes that would be too much at once.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes, but flexible. Sometimes that would be too much at once.

Not for me lol. I need a whole day really, each week, to discuss my emotional problems. The way 50 minutes flies by is just like 10 minutes.

 

[Misty Avich]

There's so much I hate about being on the spectrum though, like the way we often dangle at the bottom of the social hierarchy and so are often bullied everywhere we go, as if we deserve it or something

Autism isn't all bad, depending on how it affects you as an individual.

When I had obsessions it was over people, so I'd just come across as a weird stalker and get myself into bother with them, which was embarrassing. In fact I hated having obsessions as they overtook my mind and my life.

For me, having sensory issues doesn't make my senses sharper. I can't hear any better than anyone else, I'm just sensitive to certain sounds. It's not the same thing as being able to hear better. The only sharp senses I do have is my exaggerated startle response to sudden loud noises, which I'd rather not have. But I think that is more to do with my nerves than my ears.

Sometimes I wish my meltdowns involved going to a dark room to stim until I'm ready to start speaking to people again. Instead I'm the opposite - during a meltdown I crave human interaction, I just can't handle meltdowns on my own. My meltdowns are caused by panic, stress, frustration, annoyance, anxiety and depression, but aren't the typical autism meltdowns. They're histrionic, although I don't do it for attention, although I require attention during a meltdown but I'm not doing it as attention-seeking behaviour. When an adult is doing it for attention they're usually acting out a scene without actually feeling the emotion as intensely as how they're acting. With me I'm actually feeling the emotion very intensely and become lost in a panicky frenzy, craving support and reassurance from others. Reassurance works wonders for my anxiety, even if people lie a little.
For example, if there are threats of WW3, saying "yeah it's imminent" is going to throw me into a panic attack, or if I'm worrying about being homeless in the future and people start telling me to prepare for it. Um, no, I'd rather you told me that there's help out there if I seek it and that I won't be homeless. Hearing reassurance from other people helps a lot, even if it's not 100% true but still plausible.

Having too much self-awareness yet lacking self-validation at the same time is a very unpleasant combination, and is what makes life so depressing and hard. I'm hypersensitive to other people's moods, thoughts, emotions, actions, everything, so people being callous and snidy around me can really cause me anxiety and I can't ignore it. I had this same sensitivity as a kid too. I remember when seeing an adult being really angry, I'd have an urge to giggle as a nervous reaction, then I'd get yelled at for giggling. But I couldn't help it. I was really nervous. I don't giggle now around angry people. Instead I just become jumpy and overempathetic for them yet trying to avoid them at the same time.

I hate being like this. Why can't I just be the type of autistic person who is in my own world and has very logical thinking and is disconnected from other people's thoughts and feelings and have to consciously think before making any sort of social interaction with my colleagues? Why do I have to be NT yet Aspie at the same time?