I'm petrified to even try online dating.

[Tony Ramirez]

My yoga teacher, my therapist and people here say try online dating to get a girlfriend. They say my current methods of going to places to meet people is not currently working and it is not due to many failures. Even talking to these people here about they assure going to these places I will not meet anyone here but expect online dating.

The problem is I am afraid of putting out a profile and getting no responses back. Nothing. Like when @Markness tried online dating. But for me I would feel worse if I got no responses. I would also like a Christian dating site or a good Christian woman.

 

[kenaij]

If you do decide to do it. Do not expect to put up a profile and get responses from girls. That luxury is only given to guys who are at the top 5% of attractiveness. The general men's health cover types. Beyond this small group of guys we are basically expected to attract a mate. I might get a bunch of backlash on this, and I aknowledge we have moved beyond our primal instincts in many aspects of our lives. When it comes to initiating contact it is almost always the man that has to win the woman for himself.
Many years ago I was also pretty active in online dating and also always had to initiate the contact. Some ignored me. Some responded. And I had a few dates. For me, it never worked out because I never really clicked with any of them. But I do know people it worked for.
Forest Cat is right. Sadly there is not 50/50 split on dating sites. And on top of that the female side has many fake profiles. You`ll recognise them by profile pictures that are generally too good to be true and very little information.
I usually responded to profiles with lots of text that seemed to have made an effort to 'sell' themselves sort of speak. Those are generally the women that are more serious in wanting to go on a date. Because of some reason or another it has not worked out to find a partner in the past.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks I thought so. I knew it was a waste of time once again mostly single men very few single women because once again most women are taken. It sucks but that's reality.

I guess I will keep going to events and places and encountering mostly women with boyfriends, husbands and some possible single woman who won't give me the time of day mostly outside of church and church events.

 

[kenaij]

I don`t really think there are fewer women than men on dating sides because most are taken. But more so because women generally do better on their own then men. And are thus less likely to look for a relationship on datingsites. To be blunt. Almost any women could walk into any bar and yell she wants sex and without feel she will leave the bar within 5 minutes with a man. That is just their luxury. Finding a GOOD mate is another story. Both sexes have equal chances there.

 

[Xinyta]

As soon as the topic of online dating comes up. My mind immediately goes to a youtube video I saw once.

^This one.

Poor man trying out Tinder, to immediately be hit with the fact that it's a sewage line of an app.

I find it sad that the worst of humanity tend to flood dating sites. It's as much self absorbed men as women on there, with unreasonably high standards and list of expectations that equate to no one with half a brain even wanting to pull the pin on that grenade.

Not to say that there are not good people of both genders on dating sites. They are just few and far between. Most in the far older age range too. Not that there is a problem with that. People get lonely.

But for most of us. It's more advantageous for us to get out there in the world and try. Avoid online dating in general.

 

[Magna]

But for most of us. It's more advantageous for us to get out there in the world and try. Avoid online dating in general.

You would think that in the not too distant future there will be a resurgence in the focus of in person dating; for example, a trend of more group in person dating practices such as social functions, "speed dating" or something similar, etc.

I would think in-person dating will have a resurgence because of all the men who want a partner and because of some statistic I've seen recently where a surprising percentage of women who are around the age of 30 now will end up living their lives single and alone; some of them by choice, others definitely not by choice. Why wouldn't these two groups want to get together in person if online dating is largely unsuccessful?

 

[Wolfnox]

I’d like to add Fraud accounts are big and numerous on Facebook online dating. Most are entirely made up of Fraudulent accounts.
Joined only 2 sites both autism related dating for security purposes. Not much happened on them.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks you saved me major depression and headache. No thanks.

 

[Judge]

Probably best to just pass over online dating altogether. Where you meet someone that finally fits the personality of the one you seek. And it's a man- or woman who eventually robs you blind based on your own vulnerabilities.

Keeping in mind that some of such predators have a finely honed method of looking for and researching such people like yourself, just as any professional "cannon" (pickpocket) would look for an appropriate "mark" ( their victim).

Keep your search on a real-life face-to-face basis only. A major reason why I never dated in the conventional sense was based on all the "games" people seem to play. But when it comes to online socialization, it's completely off the scale. Where you also have to deal with the possibilities of criminal intent and the mental cruelty and selfishness of those choosing to "catfish" others.

My guess would be that you are simply not ready for or up to dealing with such things.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I just keep trying my failed attempts (church, groups, parks) with new failed attempts (yoga, gym) I been doing for the past four years.

 

[Judge]

I just keep trying my failed attempts (church, groups, parks) with new failed attempts (yoga, gym) I been doing for the past four years.

I've told you before how you need to take church and religion entirely out of the picture. Otherwise you are locked into a very limited and IMO rigid form of socialization intended to conform with religious sensibilities. Just such a premise alone probably "cramps the style" of most people whether religious or not.

It might sound good to you, but in reality it may be the most fundamental reason for you going nowhere under the circumstances. So change the equation and take church and their groups out of the process.

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

 

[Hypnalis]

@Tony Ramirez

Nothing written by you that I've seen here suggests you're being realistic about looking for a partner.

The first two things that seem to be missing:
1. Assume you'll never be approached by a women looking at you as a likely romantic partner.
2. It seems very likely you objectify women in your mind, and in the way you interact with them.

(1) is simple. If you just wait to be approached, you might literally wait "forever". You already know what you need to learn. Just start listening and practicing when people make suggestions.

(2) is less simple, but just as much of a problem. You block input on this before it ever gets a chance to start. Which is a valid adult choice, but it means the problem won't go away.

 

[AdamG]

Thanks I thought so. I knew it was a waste of time once again mostly single men very few single women because once again most women are taken. It sucks but that's reality.

Just to point out the fallacy which you use as your mantra. I believe you are in NY, here is the demographics of women to men. I assure you, most man are not dating multiple women.
.
https://www.states101.com/gender-ratios/new-york

 

[Rodafina]

I wonder if it could be helpful to separate online dating from meeting other women online. I believe what everyone has shared about the dating sites and what they have become, but at the same time, meeting people over the Internet does extend the potential and has been very useful to many people.

Again, it may be difficult because it would mean aiming for friendships with women first, but I think it could be useful to use the Internet to meet people through shared interests and commonalities in communication styles. Like an interest-based forum for example.

Of course, that does introduce the problem where if you do click with someone who lives far away, a long distance relationship is certainly not what everyone is looking for. But still, in terms of trying something new and continuing to practice communication and build confidence, it’s an idea anyway.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

If you do decide to do it. Do not expect to put up a profile and get responses from girls. That luxury is only given to guys who are at the top 5% of attractiveness. The general men's health cover types. Beyond this small group of guys we are basically expected to attract a mate. I might get a bunch of backlash on this, and I aknowledge we have moved beyond our primal instincts in many aspects of our lives. When it comes to initiating contact it is almost always the man that has to win the woman for himself.
Many years ago I was also pretty active in online dating and also always had to initiate the contact. Some ignored me. Some responded. And I had a few dates. For me, it never worked out because I never really clicked with any of them. But I do know people it worked for.
Forest Cat is right. Sadly there is not 50/50 split on dating sites. And on top of that the female side has many fake profiles. You`ll recognise them by profile pictures that are generally too good to be true and very little information.
I usually responded to profiles with lots of text that seemed to have made an effort to 'sell' themselves sort of speak. Those are generally the women that are more serious in wanting to go on a date. Because of some reason or another it has not worked out to find a partner in the past.

I agree with you I have two sons.one has movie star looks smooth amiable personality above average intelligence
well employed. the joined a dating site had the pick of woman, the second son bright could lose a bit of weigh more of an average guy in the appearance department had to use a more creative approach. to meet women. became a guide for tourists entering the country. I thought his strategy was brilliant it really worked. Now is father.

 

[Magna]

You haven't asked for my advice, but I'm going to give it anyway because this is a forum, a vehicle for exchanging ideas.

@Tony Ramirez , you're currently single and you don't want to be. Completely understood.

If I were you I would focus intently on my own life; very intently. You've said you weigh close to 300 pounds. That's not healthy. Relationships, love, etc release endorphins in the brain which make a person feel good and boost their sense of wellbeing. Regular vigorous exercise, any kind of exercise that boost the heart rate for at least 45 minutes. At/around that 45 minute mark, there's a rush of endorphins in the body. "Runner's High" (even though it happens with most any other type of prolonged exertion and is not specific only to running at all. Even brisk walking will do it). In other words, exercise also releases endorphins which make you feel good.

Tony, you should make movement, activity, daily exercise one of the top if not THE top priority in your life right now. Maybe check with your doctor first or whatever to rule out any issues that might make a significant change in lifestyle dangerous for you. But if you're clear to make exercise key in your life...do it. Hell, even get addicted to exercise. I say that because exercise is probably the ONLY addiction where it's actually easy to stop because so many forces act against you exercising.

You could drop 100 pounds from exercising, feel 1,000 times better about yourself and your life and simply FEEL so much better. Couple that with good nutrition and a healthy caloric intake and it would be life changing for you.

Do it. Make that your new "special interest" for now.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am getting addicted to exercise. I go to the gym whenever I can about five days a week. I increased my workout in the bike and treadmill to now 45 minutes each. I still love doing yoga go seven days a week and even try to go twice a day if possible. I am now down to under 300 pounds. I am eating less food. Cutting back on my medication the causes weight gain. So yes I am much more active. I want to get down to 250 pounds and keep it off.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I've been on and off with online dating websites and apps over the years.

I wouldn't call it an entirely fruitless endeavour. In fact, I've made quite a few friends using them.

They are a business though. Facebook dating is free however, so if someone likes your profile, you can see their like - and if you respond in kind you can start instant messaging.

Ghosting is quite common though. Conversations dropping out, or they never reply to the initial introduction you send. Or they unmatch you before even saying a word.

Then there's the population statistics. Most would never appeal to me. A lot are quite "normal" looking. As in - heavy makeup, most photos are them all dolled up, on a night out. Holding an alcoholic drink in almost every photo. In pubs, clubs, with their girlfriends etc. After swiping "no" on several hundred of these, you see a pattern emerging.

The few I do think might be of interest don't pass the next set of requirements - they either have kids, enjoy drink or drugs, or put their likes as pubs, clubs, festivals, socialising anime, foreign travel, Disney etc. Basically a long list of things I loathe. That doesn't discount them from potentially being friends. But if someone enjoys multiple things I strongly dislike - it doesn't feel like it'd work.

As for fraud accounts. I think they're very easy to spot. But it's down to pattern recognition and common sense. Beautiful women, never with a face shot is the main go to. Minimal writing on their accounts in broken English. Photos are almost always back shots, or side on photos, and quite generic looking. Plus a lot of the FB dating fraudsters don't seem to realise some faceless beauty with a foreign male name is quite an obvious red flag.

I rejoined Tinder recently, and I can safely say it's about 98% people I'd never consider dating. Again - heavy makeup, borderline alcoholics, heavily filtered selfies, most photos of them in pubs or clubs. Then there's the copy & paste statements that so many of these types say:

"Must have banter."
"Looking for my partner in crime."
"I work hard, and play harder."

It's general trash, and I honestly wonder why so many people seem to fit a mold. Mind you, I realise this also exists in other subcultures within society. Even people who seem to be alternative come across as very much copy & paste types.

There are Christian specific dating websites. Probably a more wholesome place to go. But I think it's quite likely the amount of users would be a fraction of a larger site or app.

Oh, also there's a lot of foreign users who change their location to another country. Quite easy to pick up though. Usually African or Filipinos. Quite easy to spot if you pay attention to their photos. Buildings, landscapes, car regristrations, background people etc.

So there's many pitfalls to online dating sites. But I wouldn't say it's entirely a waste of time. You just have to be mindful of the potential to be ghosted, sending lots of likes and receiving little in return, finding a sea of people who you find attractive but they have the personality of a peanut, the fraudulent accounts, the foreign accounts, and the websites and apps being underhanded in trying to get you to pay subsctriptions in order to see who has sent you likes.

Up to you really. I use them without the intention to date. I got chatting to someone today in fact. We ended up exchanging mobile numbers and are talking on WhatsApp. She lives locally, so we might meet up this Thursday. But I've already spotted numerous things which mean she probably would never be dating material. Also, I'm not intending to date for a good few years.

Ed

 

[Xinyta]

I am eating less food.

It maybe my own worries about how this maybe implied. But is this a healthy drop of unnecessary foods in your diet? Or are you forcing yourself to eat less in general? It works but that also is detrimental too. Your body needs nutrition.

Cutting back on my medication the causes weight gain.

How do you know your medication is affecting your weight?

 

[foliodoe]

If you do decide to do it. Do not expect to put up a profile and get responses from girls. That luxury is only given to guys who are at the top 5% of attractiveness. The general men's health cover types. Beyond this small group of guys we are basically expected to attract a mate. I might get a bunch of backlash on this, and I aknowledge we have moved beyond our primal instincts in many aspects of our lives. When it comes to initiating contact it is almost always the man that has to win the woman for himself.
Many years ago I was also pretty active in online dating and also always had to initiate the contact. Some ignored me. Some responded. And I had a few dates. For me, it never worked out because I never really clicked with any of them. But I do know people it worked for.
Forest Cat is right. Sadly there is not 50/50 split on dating sites. And on top of that the female side has many fake profiles. You`ll recognise them by profile pictures that are generally too good to be true and very little information.
I usually responded to profiles with lots of text that seemed to have made an effort to 'sell' themselves sort of speak. Those are generally the women that are more serious in wanting to go on a date. Because of some reason or another it has not worked out to find a partner in the past.

where are you getting these statistics and this perspective from? Is it just anecdotal, based on your experience?