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I'm petrified to even try online dating.

Tony my wife and I agreed you sort of look like Brian Shaw, the world's strongest man he weighs over 400 pounds also he is six foot eight inches. So the obvious question how tall you are. If I did 45 minutes on a tread mill and I weighed as much as you I would be a pile of sweat.
 
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foliodoe said:
where are you getting these statistics and this perspective from? Is it just anecdotal, based on your experience?
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They are mostly to give the OP an idea. It might be the top 6.5264% but it is more about the idea women generally do not approach a man unless there is something extremely hot about him. This comes from personal experience. When younger I had one of those men's health bodies. With normal pictures. No messages. With pictures of my body close to natural potential I received message after message. It was just done as a test since the women who reacted were not my type at all.
I also work with young people and I like to observe various behaviours. And it seems to work this way with them aswell.
Might change around age 30+. Have no experience beyond 25 year olds to be fair.
It also works the other way around. But I believe men have a much higher urge to find a partner. And this might mean the become desperate quicker. And lower their 'standards'.

All this is also purely based on dating and short relationships. I don't think it applies when long relationships are involved.
 
After reading the horror stories hear about online dating I am now afraid to try Christian dating sites which I really want to meet is a Christian woman which is why I been going to church but as you know most there are married.
 
kenaij said:
They are mostly to give the OP an idea. It might be the top 6.5264% but it is more about the idea women generally do not approach a man unless there is something extremely hot about him. This comes from personal experience. When younger I had one of those men's health bodies. With normal pictures. No messages. With pictures of my body close to natural potential I received message after message. It was just done as a test since the women who reacted were not my type at all.
I also work with young people and I like to observe various behaviours. And it seems to work this way with them aswell.
Might change around age 30+. Have no experience beyond 25 year olds to be fair.
It also works the other way around. But I believe men have a much higher urge to find a partner. And this might mean the become desperate quicker. And lower their 'standards'.

All this is also purely based on dating and short relationships. I don't think it applies when long relationships are involved.
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There are tons of current Youtube videos of podcasts where they cite actual dating app data to support the statements. That's one great thing about data from dating apps: it can be assumed that people are being honest when they "like" someone since there is no repercussion for not doing so.

Summarizing data points from podcasts and vids I've seen (the topic interests me), 80% of men are not only considered not of dating material by the majority of women, they're considered undesirable from an attractiveness standpoint.

Of the remaining 20%, a smaller percentage of men than that are considered strongly attractive to most women (< 10%). I've heard that same kind of statistic for years and not related to dating apps: That perhaps 10% of the human population or less are objectively considered to be very physically attractive. The VAST majority of people (myself included) are...average looking, period. Works for me. I lose no sleep over it. I kind of find it amusing when people are insulted over the idea that they're average looking, as if it's offensive to be so.
 
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My thoughts, for what it's worth...

Stop focusing on where and how you're gonna get a girlfriend.

Focus instead on yourself and enjoying life as much as possible. I know that's a LOT easier said than done. But it will naturally take you places where you'll meet people who share your interests. You'll seem more confident and relaxed. When you do have an opportunity to talk to someone, you'll have lots of interesting things to tell them. And in my experience both men and women find that attractive.

I have no stats to back any of this up. It's all anecdotal and kinda based on my own life. When I meet someone who's single and seems to be enjoying themselves and doing loads of cool stuff, I'm interested and I want to hear more about them, and I think wow that guy/gal has it all going on. And it's worked for me too - I tell people about the things I'm doing and they say to me wow you've got it all going on. From my point of view, I'm still insecure and anxious and not confident at all and I don't think the things I'm doing are anything special. But because I'm doing them, and I'm excited by them and passionate about them, from the outside it looks like I've got the kinda life that they want to be part of. Not everyone of course, but you're more likely to meet single people who want to spend time with you if you are having a blast and really happy about it.

The periods of my life where no-one wanted to know me are the periods where I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing. And the periods of my life where people seemed genuinely interested in me are the periods where I was happy (and often alone) and just focusing on stuff that I wanted to do, and being excited by it and passionate about it. And I have to say a lot of it was unexpected - I followed my gut feelings, and ended up bumping into all sorts of interesting people and yes, there was sex and potential relationships but they never went anywhere, but I wasn't looking for it - it just naturally flowed from leading a full life.*

* Terms and conditions apply. Your investment may go down as well as up. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
 
There are just days I feel like giving up and I don't even want to get out of bed. This week so far has been better than the terrible previous couple weeks I had.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
There are just days I feel like giving up and I don't even want to get out of bed. This week so far has been better than the terrible previous couple weeks I had.
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Tony, I understand some of the ups and downs that you go through. Although we are very different, I am the same way in that regard. I’m glad to hear that this week is better than the last few. That is definitely significant and worth noticing.

I’m just curious what you meant above when you said “no news is good news.” Could you explain to me what you mean by that in regards to online dating?
 
Just that no news that its all bad news about online dating and it would have been better not knowing the news. By the way that's why I don't follow or watch the news.
 
I just see another summer approaching. I am one year older again. Many couples are outside enjoying life and once again I don't have a girlfriend. I am missing out again this year.

I also wish I did not waste my 30s in my room doing nothing but sleeping, eating and gaining weight. With no friends. At 42, I became active, got out of my comfort zone and made friends.
 
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I've read through your post here and your other relationship thread. As a woman, here is some advice I can give.

First, you seem to think you are owed a partner rather than asking yourself "what do I bring/provide to a relationship?" This is a really important question to ask yourself. Relationships aren't one way things, there's give and take. What you provide can be as simple as being a great friend to share a hobby with (what hobbies do you have is a great way to bond and meet people), someone to lean on, someone who is really funny to be with. But for a lot of people, especially in the current economy, it's a partner who can pull their weight financially. I know you're very set on a christian partner, but older christian women are going to looking for someone who can contribute reliably and well to not only money things, but also housework and social commitment. There is a strong social pressure in a christian setting for that white picket fence dream. You'd honestly probably have a lot more luck with alt crowds as people in them are generally far more accepting of disabilities (like autism) and lifestyles other than that white picket fence.

Second, again you seem to think you are owed a partner the same way you're owed an object. Women aren't things that are "taken". We are people with our own thoughts, feelings and agency. This is a really key thing to understand because most women can sense when someone objectifies them and it's a huge turn off.

Third, stop trying to date every woman who says hi or smiles at you. They're just being friendly, maybe even seeing if they can make a new friend. By thinking even the slightest exchange is flirting, you're setting yourself up for failure, and also pushing those women away. A lot of women are distant and cold to men because they, myself included, can't say a "how are you" to some men without them thinking we're flirting with you. Likewise, stop going to general places like yoga or church and looking exclusively for people to date. Just try to make some friends, even if they are married because:

Fourth, married women in your age range are the best helpers in matchmaking. If they think you're a sweet and nice guy with some neat interests, they will have other women who are friends who are likewise struggling to date and they will try to set you guys up together. But you have to intrinsically be a good guy, you can't fake it.

But honestly, I think the most key point here is that women aren't something you are owed or that are owned. The sooner you see us as human, and just treat us like other people, rather than something to take off a shelf and use, the better things will go for you.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
At 42, I became active, got out of my comfort zone and made friends.
This is a very optimistic statement! That's awesome and not everyone can say that have made such big change in their life. Wtg!

Some good advice in here, along with others, Tazz and Athyrium had some useful info.

I really liked online dating. I basically stopped trying to meet people in person. To me the best part was knowing that if I met someone from a dating site, I knew they wanted my attention, and we both saw eye to eye on a couple important issues to begin with. I didn't have to stress out wondering if this was an appropriate time to hit on them or if they were just being polite while I annoyed them and embarrassed myself.

Now for some totally unsolicited advice.
-Try to stop looking for a girlfriend. Instead try to date people, to get to know them, to have a good time and to see what you like about relationships. It's a process to find someone who you like, who likes you and who is compatible. It's pretty unlikely to be the first person you date.
-Check yourself for red flags. This is hard for anyone, especially people with communication issues. It's important to see what other people might see when we talk. If you see someone saying you look like you're owed a partner or that you are treating women like a commodity, stop and see if maybe the words you used can be changed.
-Is your general demeanour showing the real you, or your worst traits? Like said before, it's easier to attract people, both romantically and platonically, when you are friendly, open and welcoming. Again, hard for many of us, but try to pay attention, not just to your words but how they are delivered, and how you appear.
-Lastly try to avoid focusing on appearance, theirs and your own. This really doesn't make much difference in the end, and is limiting.
A lot of people use their own appearance (or other things like wealth etc) as an avoidance mechanism or excuse not to try or not to change in other ways.
I've seen plenty of ugly, broke people in happy relationships, so that's definitely not a barrier to entry.

Good luck! Either online or in person, it's a lot of work and there will be plenty of rejection, but I hope you find some cool people and if they don't end up being long term romantic relationships, I hope at least some of them become long term friendships.
 
Tony, have you been exercising? This picture of you looks physically nice to me!
Keep at it if so!
Also, try volunteering at something once a week, maybe non-religious. Maybe you can try to meet some people that way. Try to make yourself as independent as possible. This will make you a more attractive person too, Tony.
 
Hey Tony,

just saw your post. I can only give you the advice to try it. Create your profile with some nice pics (no selfies), write something about you (not too much) and just give it a try. Don't put all your hopes in it and just check it once a day. Like a hobby f.e.x with no expectations. Be creative and funny when writing to women. There will be many failures, so keep learning from then. What could you lose? Exactly. Nothing.
You'll get the feeling for fake profiles and will spot them easily after a while.
 
Don't try online dating. I did once (before I met my husband) and it didn't go very well. I felt I couldn't build up any sort of bond or anything. I got chatting to one guy who wouldn't reveal his image until we knew almost everything about each other. When he finally did reveal himself (it had to be through Skype, not a photo) I found I didn't really fancy him. Not saying he was ugly or anything, just not my type. So when I let him down very gently he got nasty with me. Also he came from London and looked the gangster type.

Then I was speaking to another guy who had a photo of Indiana Jones as his profile and only spoke to me a couple of times a week, while probably speaking to several other girls on the internet.
I knew I was heading for disaster really. So I closed my account and never looked back. I'll never use dating sites again, I found finding people in person much easier.
 
What's this for an advice?
"Didn't work for me, so don't do it"?
I can only advise to try a LOT of things. If it doesn't work out - call it a lesson. If it does - great!
I don't mean it in a bad way, but honestly..this is the worst kind of advice you can give to someone. Tell them about your experience, but don't say sth like "don't even try it".
 
Tony, that’s a decision only you can make, but what do you have to lose? Online dating is not easy and you may have to put yourself out there to dozens of women before even getting a match to talk to someone, but I wholeheartedly believe if you are persistent enough and reach out to enough women, you’ll find a match and if you keep trying, some woman will be lucky enough to have a date with you.
 
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