Interested in dating a guy but he confuses me

[mw2530]

If you think telling him about the cancer caused him to stop communicating, then it doesn't make sense that he did reply to a text giving you his number and saying to call him at such and such time. This was after you told him about your illness if I follow your story correctly. I suppose he may have had a change of heart, but just wanted to point out that fact. You could always ask him why he suddenly cut off communication. Not sure if you have yet, but I don't see the harm in asking. As long as you are willing to accept a potentially very blunt response.

 

[lorelai]

If you think telling him about the cancer caused him to stop communicating, then it doesn't make sense that he did reply to a text giving you his number and saying to call him at such and such time. This was after you told him about your illness if I follow your story correctly. I suppose he may have had a change of heart, but just wanted to point out that fact. You could always ask him why he suddenly cut off communication. Not sure if you have yet, but I don't see the harm in asking. As long as you are willing to accept a potentially very blunt response.

Although I feel like I have totally embarassed myself, im never this straight forward and bold with guys, I did ask him. He is online got the message yet didnt reply. I officially humiliated myself, he probably thinks im desperate or something

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Yes, I understand that. Him being more vocal in texts never bothered me to be honest. It all made sense when I started reading about autism. I was willing to try but maybe telling him im sick was a stupid idea. Or something else put him off.We will never know, it just kind of upsets me seeing him on my fb being active while ignoring me and my texts after I told him I liked him

Yes, many women would like guys vocal or confident in their texts. Many other women could perceive guys as quieter or less expressive as weak. I do not think your sickness was the biggest issue for him, but just that he may have expectations to do things at the times he wants such, not a few hours later, a few weeks later, a few years later, etc. For those with Autism conditions, timing for needs, and their perception of others understanding them, can be very very important. If things throw them off course, or anxiety or doubt enter in, the chance can be lost, if not just a break needed to figure things out.

 

[mw2530]

Although I feel like I have totally embarassed myself, im never this straight forward and bold with guys, I did ask him. He is online got the message yet didnt reply. I officially humiliated myself, he probably thinks im desperate or something

Sorry to hear. As far as being humiliated, it sucks but there are worse things. He lives so far away so you probably don't have to worry about running into him again.

 

[lorelai]

Yes, many women would like guys vocal or confident in their texts. Many other women could perceive guys as quieter or less expressive as weak. I do not think your sickness was the biggest issue for him, but just that he may have expectations to do things at the times he wants such, not a few hours later, a few weeks later, a few years later, etc. For those with Autism conditions, timing for needs, and their perception of others understanding them, can be very very important. If things throw them off course, or anxiety or doubt enter in, the chance can be lost, if not just a break needed to figure things out.

Yea i was used to him always replying and messaging me a lot, I guess something is different now.

 

[lorelai]

Sorry to hear. As far as being humiliated, it sucks but there are worse things. He lives so far away so you probably don't have to worry about running into him again.

Yea definitely. There is a first time for everything, i just feel like a total idiot haha ill get used to it

 

[lorelai]

I will keep him on fb for a few more days to see if he replies, but i dont think he will as he never did this before. Its just a bit painful to keep seeing him and his updates all the time

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Although I feel like I have totally embarassed myself, im never this straight forward and bold with guys, I did ask him. He is online got the message yet didnt reply. I officially humiliated myself, he probably thinks im desperate or something

Actually, I think it is the opposite. Contacting him a few times shows you cared, not necessarily in his mind, but yours. That does not imply desperation, as your actions could have just showed a worry about him. And if he has a hard time putting himself in other people's shoes, it seems the last thing he would think about is any feeling of you being embarrassed. In other words, I seriously doubt he is laughing at you now or thinking you were wrong for trying to contact him several times when you could not reach him.

 

[kbb0]

I don't think telling him you have cancer was stupid. The same reason I don't think I'm stupid for telling people I have autism even when it ends badly. It's a part of your story and it's something you decide to share with people when you choose without being able to know how they'll take it.

But perhaps someone he was very close to had cancer and passed away and the fact that you have it scares him. This could be a trigger for him.

 

[Rich Gray]

Ask his brother what to do?

 

[lorelai]

He just messaged me..weeks later. He is saying we should talk and that he will try to convince me to visit him next week

 

[lorelai]

I havent replied, i dont know what to say.. I told him before that i need a couple of months, i cant visit next week.. (chemo)

 

[lorelai]

He messaged me that he was with his brother and girlfriend (!) and couldnt get back to me and that he wants to see me.. >.> wtf

 

[Rich Gray]

His brother and his brother's girlfriend?

 

[lorelai]

His brother and his brother's girlfriend?

Exactly my question, the way he types it, i didnt understand..English isnt our native language so in our language the way he wrote it, it can be either. I have known him for 5 years and he never had a gf, that was a surprise

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

It is good he contacted you back, but this is a tough situation to know what to do, as his timing desires and needs seems to be different than yours. If one of you does not bend in terms of timing, the risk is there that one will get offended or upset.

It is like telephone tag in a way. A person calls another, but they are not there so they leave a message. The other calls back, but then that other is not there so they leave a message saying they got the message. And these messages continue until each can reach one another, increasing the frustration.

In other words, if a person acts either too evasive, busy or wants things done just at their timing, that does not show a priority or empathy, whichever is the case. In your case, if chemotherapy is involved, I would say you have a more urgent need for a delay to meet, if the visit is a longer visit.

But, if the visit could be a shorter one, over the weekend, if you felt well enough, then that is an option, too. If, however, your health could be affected by a meeting sooner than you desire, of course just tell that to that friend. If he cannot accept that, then that is not a good sign for you both.

 

[lorelai]

It is good he contacted you back, but this is a tough situation to know what to do, as his timing desires and needs seems to be different than yours. If one of you does not bend in terms of timing, the risk is there that one will get offended or upset.

It is like telephone tag in a way. A person calls another, but they are not there so they leave a message. The other calls back, but then that other is not there so they leave a message saying they got the message. And these messages continue until each can reach one another, increasing the frustration.

In other words, if a person acts either too evasive, busy or wants things done just at their timing, that does not show a priority or empathy, whichever is the case. In your case, if chemotherapy is involved, I would say you have a more urgent need for a delay to meet, if the visit is a longer visit.

But, if the visit could be a shorter one, over the weekend, if you felt well enough, then that is an option, too. If, however, your health could be affected by a meeting sooner than you desire, of course just tell that to that friend. If he cannot accept that, then that is not a good sign for you both.

He lives far away, so i would have to take a plane or train to go there and im nauseous 24/7 at the moment. Plus i have constant doctor appointmens, i cant be gone for days. Plus the expenses of tickets and hotels (im not gonna stay at his house anymore, his brother lives there and we dont speak anymore). I cant really afford it anymore with my medical expenses now. He on the other hand has the time and money to come visit. I think the problem is that his brother doesnt let him go anywhere by himself. So they both would have to come and i would prefer that his brother didnt know he is meeting me, we arent in good terms anymore.

But if he has a girlfriend i dont know if i would meet him, that would mean i was wrong about him. He has made it clear he wants to go on a date with me and eventually have sex, thats just wrong if he has a gf

 

[lorelai]

He messaged again and told me its not his girlfriend, its his brother's..

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

He lives far away, so i would have to take a plane or train to go there and im nauseous 24/7 at the moment. Plus i have constant doctor appointmens, i cant be gone for days. Plus the expenses of tickets and hotels (im not gonna stay at his house anymore, his brother lives there and we dont speak anymore). I cant really afford it anymore with my medical expenses now. He on the other hand has the time and money to come visit. I think the problem is that his brother doesnt let him go anywhere by himself. So they both would have to come and i would prefer that his brother didnt know he is meeting me, we arent in good terms anymore.

But if he has a girlfriend i dont know if i would meet him, that would mean i was wrong about him. He has made it clear he wants to go on a date with me and eventually have sex, thats just wrong if he has a gf

If it was his brother that had the girlfriend, and not him, if I were in your position I would tell him you were attempting to contact him to see if he was ok, and so you are glad to hear back. Then maybe say you would love to meet him, after you finish/recuperate from your treatments, as you want to have the energy to enjoy a meeting. And if you prefer or need the meeting near you, maybe tell him that would be the best for you, because of the expenses which you are lacking in, and as you will be the most comfortable being near local health facilities in case of need. That is just my opinion though, as I am the type that rather be rejected than have the wrong persons in my life. A guy, regardless of condition, should be willing to inconvenience himself to meet a woman or date, by making arrangements of transportation if they cannot drive. I drove four hours every month one way to see my now wife, for two straight years, before we got married, bringing three weeks of groceries each visit. I hated big cities, but would have done almost anything to see her.

 

[lorelai]

If it was his brother that had the girlfriend, and not him, if I were in your position I would tell him you were attempting to contact him to see if he was ok, and so you are glad to hear back. Then maybe say you would love to meet him, after you finish/recuperate from your treatments, as you want to have the energy to enjoy a meeting. And if you prefer or need the meeting near you, maybe tell him that would be the best for you, because of the expenses which you are lacking in, and as you will be the most comfortable being near local health facilities in case of need. That is just my opinion though, as I am the type that rather be rejected than have the wrong persons in my life. A guy, regardless of condition, should be willing to inconvenience himself to meet a woman or date, by making arrangements of transportation if they cannot drive. I drove fours hours every month one way to see my now wife, for two straight years, before we got married, bringing three weeks of groceries each visit. I hated big cities, but would have done almost anything to see her.

Thats what i messaged him, i agree