Interested in dating a guy but he confuses me

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

If he just wants to be with his brother all the time, and for you to visit him, that could be his expected routine. Our sons have learned over time it is ok to deviate from routines. For our oldest, we could give him a logical true argument, to do something a different way instead, and in some cases he will immediately accept that.

I am curious. Is he closed to his brother, too? If not, that would show some capabilities in the future with you. How does he talk to his brother when you are there, and when not there if that could somehow be determined? Does he express more than just gym or computer things to him, and talk much more to him. Does his personality seem different with him?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I just found an older message of his, he sent me a pic of him shirtless to show me how much he has changed from working out, I sent one back (me in a bikini), and he just said ''Did you gain weight in your waist?''

That certainly is not the best thing to say to a woman of course. Granted he meant no harm, but he seems just unaware of the impact of such bluntness, and does not yet have the ability to be more political correct or thoughtful, according to NT standards. However, in his mind he was saying or doing the right thing, as he was being himself, and expressing in his matter of fact way. Maybe instead of focusing on the hurt by his statement, focus on him being different in his reply, and being unique or more direct there. Until he has the ability or desire to learn or understand others' feelings or proper etiquette better, expect more of that bluntness. What could be even just as harmful or worse would be if he got into a pattern of saying things he does not believe in or mean.

 

[Rich Gray]

That certainly is not the best thing to say to a woman of course. Granted he meant no harm, but he seems just unaware of the impact of such bluntness, and does not yet have the ability to be more political correct or thoughtful, according to NT standards. However, in his mind he was saying or doing the right thing, as he was being himself, and expressing in his matter of fact way. Maybe instead of focusing on the hurt by his statement, focus on him being different in his reply, and being unique or more difect there. Until he has the ability or desire to learn or understand others' feelings or proper etiquette better, expect more of that bluntness. What could be even just as harmful or worse would be if he got into a pattern of saying things he does not believe in or mean.

I remembering telling my wife that her underwear looked comfortable . . . that did not go well.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I remembering telling my wife that her underwear looked comfortable . . . that did not go well.

Actually I might have said the same thing, too, if it was cottony. Sometimes women want us to state the answer already in their mind, but we cannot always read their mind as women each can have different insecurities.

 

[lorelai]

It sounds perhaps like his brother may serve as his "wingman". Someone he has a comfort level with who willingly helps him to "translate" the NT world in real time.

If this is the case, you might consider spending some time with his brother to understand him better and possibly learn to help "translate" things as well. If that begins to happen, perhaps he might eventually attain a similar comfort level with you which he has with his brother.

IMO the best NT partners of Aspies are those who willingly and effectively serve as their "wingman".

If that is the case, it will be a problem, because im not talking to his brother anymore. And we ended our friendship on bad terms. Nor am I willing to let him back in my life. I told him (the guy i like) that i dont wanna meet up with his brother, he said after september 23 he will be gone for a little while. Unfortunately I cannot go then. And when i will go, it will be when his brother isnt there, i dont want to see him. But I assume that he is fine seeing me without him? He even said it would be just the two of us but i dont know.. I have never seen him without his brother in the past 5 years

 

[lorelai]

I remembering telling my wife that her underwear looked comfortable . . . that did not go well.

Omg that is hilarious, what did she say?

 

[lorelai]

Actually I might have said the same thing, too, if it was cottony. Sometimes women want us to state the answer already in their mind, but we cannot always read their mind as women each can have different insecurities.

I was fine with him telling me about my weight. Even though it was years ago, and before i read up anything on autism, i already knew how he works. I knew he is always honest, i didnt take it the wrong way. He has seen me chubby and thin, it didnt seem to make a difference for him. Which I find odd, because he is obsessed with working out and being ripped etc.

 

[Judge]

He even said it would be just the two of us but i dont know.. I have never seen him without his brother in the past 5 years

Might be a good sign then if you can get together without his presence. Equally ominous if you can't.

 

[lorelai]

If he just wants to be with his brother all the time, and for you to visit him, that could be his expected routine. Our sons have learned over time it is ok to deviate from routines. For our oldest, we could give him a logical true argument, to do something a different way instead, and in some cases he will immediately accept that.

I am curious. Is he closed to his brother, too? If not, that would show some capabilities in the future with you. How does he talk to his brother when you are there, and when not there if that could somehow be determined? Does he express more than just gym or computer things to him, and talk much more to him. Does his personality seem different with him?

He is extremelly close to his brother. I find it weird,his brother treats him like a child or handicap. He drives him everywhere etc. I have no idea how much they talk to each other. When i was there, he would talk to his brother as much as he did with me, which isnt much. He did seem a bit more comfortable. The first day i arrived, we went out. Guy i like used to just stare at me and nothing else all night. Afterwards we went to his (the guy i like) apartment, his brother was there too. And he joked about me and his brother (the one i like) kissing. So he comes near me while we were sitting down, puts his hand on my thigh and goes in for a kiss, i stopped him because i perceived it as a joke, they are funny dudes. I had never met his brother before so i had no clue tbh, i had just met that guy

 

[Ylva]

What I took away from that is that he said you could call him, but you didn't. Also… and this is not necessarily a mistake

You pointed out to him that you blew him off and were cold and distant. He may have been in denial there. I sometimes have that: I will get increasingly tense and forced around someone, but be unable to think of a reason not to socialize with them, and then they will apologize for being jerks to me, and then it all falls into place.

 

[lorelai]

What I took away from that is that he said you could call him, but you didn't. Also… and this is not necessarily a mistake

You pointed out to him that you blew him off and were cold and distant. He may have been in denial there. I sometimes have that: I will get increasingly tense and forced around someone, but be unable to think of a reason not to socialize with them, and then they will apologize for being jerks to me, and then it all falls into place.

Yes totally, i thought about that phone call thing. But it eventually made no difference, at the moment he is texting and calling me.

The second part makes sense too, before i cut contact he would literally flood me with messages and calls. Which was kinda weird considering he knew i wasnt single.. He would ask to see me almost every day. The thought that he may just want a one night stand crossed my mind, because he knew i was in a long term relationship/living with my bf. But then again i cannot even imagine him having one night stands the way he acts around me and texts

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

He is extremelly close to his brother. I find it weird,his brother treats him like a child or handicap. He drives him everywhere etc. I have no idea how much they talk to each other. When i was there, he would talk to his brother as much as he did with me, which isnt much. He did seem a bit more comfortable. The first day i arrived, we went out. Guy i like used to just stare at me and nothing else all night. Afterwards we went to his (the guy i like) apartment, his brother was there too. And he joked about me and his brother (the one i like) kissing. So he comes near me while we were sitting down, puts his hand on my thigh and goes in for a kiss, i stopped him because i perceived it as a joke, they are funny dudes. I had never met his brother before so i had no clue tbh, i had just met that guy

Ok, the reason I asked you those questions about the verbal ability of him with his brother is because prior to my dating my wife, the only person I was comfortable with and opened up totally to was my twin brother. We talked about almost everything, except dating things, and were not shy around each other otherwise. We could talk sports, how bad our parents were, nutrition things, and school, college and work stuff, or anything else that was on our mind. We could not even talk much at all to our parents, older sister and older brother all those years. So, if any of those other family members were in our presence we did not talk to each other, because of fear, trust issues, or in the case of our older brother not relating much to him.

From how you described his brother, I am unsure what to make of him, whether he is trying to protect him as he is not ready for or able to do certain things for himself, or control him. As close as I am to my brother, I never even talked about women with him, much less were we present for any meeting with one we met. We had our own places after our last two years of living together during attendance at the same university, and so after living apart we always did our own thing. So, of course, it would be strongly preferred for the guy you like to not be present with his brother for the next meeting, and as you do not get along with that guy. That would be even more awkward, with him analyzing you both, and with him making funny or uncomfortable suggestions like kissing, etc.

 

[OkRad]

Thanks for the reply, although i do not agree with the last part, i had just broken up the previous day from a 4yo relationship, of course i wasnt interested. Afterwards I was in a longterm relationship and i lived with my then bf. During that time he would just message about random things and tell me he is visiting during times i could not see him(he told me he would come to my city during christmas 2015 and he wanted to go out with me and then have sex). I do not cheat. I wasnt available. I dont know about him. I know he freaks out around girls and never talks, i dont even know if he has ever had sex fromt he way he acted when he was around me. You also have to consider the distance, its a 1 hour flight away or 5 hours with the speed train(sorry idk the correct english term). If he lived near me its possible we would have been together at some point.

But you are right, i will not message again. Although i want to see him in a couple of months and i dont know if he will message. He is very unpredictable when it comes to visiting me or telling me to visit him. I do think that telling him about the chemo was a mistake too. It seems he stopped replying after that. And thats just not him. He is VERY verbal in his texts, he can text me all day long and never ever ignored a text. I find it unlikely he just met someone so fast, considering how he is with women. But i cannot know since he isnt telling anything. I did my best to read up on autism and tried to make it easy for him, i made first moves, i asked questions, i told him i liked him. I was willing to wait and not get in another relationship since i thought he liked me. I guess its bad timing. I do feel bad for chasing him though, i wish i hadnt sent like 4 messages while he wasnt replying even

Please dont take this wrong and i hope u get better SOON!!!! But yes, Cancer or any illness can freak people out. I lost ally friends after an accident. The more hurt u feel, the more peole run away. It is hard to be aspie and maybe he just thouht he would not kniw what to say pr hiw to redpond or support u as u need?
Are u ok now?

 

[Ylva]

he would literally flood me with messages and calls. Which was kinda weird considering he knew i wasnt single.

You say his brother infantilizes him, so maybe he liked you because you spoke to him like he was a person? I won't bore you with the details, but contact like that can be addictive.

Additionally, maybe he felt like it was expected of him that he try to …sex… I don't know. But if you consider that all boy/girl friendships are treated like a romance by parents literally from infancy, you might understand how we literalists feel the pressure.

 

[lorelai]

Ok, the reason I asked you those questions about the verbal ability of him with his brother is because prior to my dating my wife, the only person I was comfortable with and opened up totally to was my twin brother. We talked about almost everything, except dating things, and were not shy around each other otherwise. We could talk sports, how bad our parents were, nutrition things, and school, college and work stuff, or anything else that was on our mind. We could not even talk much at all to our parents, older sister and older brother all those years. So, if any of those other family members were in our presence we did not talk to each other, because of fear, trust issues, or in the case of our older brother not relating much to him.

From how you described his brother, I am unsure what to make of him, whether he is trying to protect him as he is not ready for or able to do certain things for himself, or control him. As close as I am to my brother, I never even talked about women with him, much less were we present for any meeting with one we met. We had our own places after our last two years of living together during attendance at the same university, and so after living apart we always did our own thing. So, of course, it would be strongly preferred for the guy you like to not be present with his brother for the next meeting, and as you do not get along with that guy. That would be even more awkward, with him analyzing you both, and with him making funny or uncomfortable suggestions like kissing, etc.

I dont think he will ever be away from his brother, unless his brother gets married and moves to a bigger house to be honest. They have a huge 3 story building, which is 3 different apartments. One for his parents, one for him, one for his brother. So they do live separately but very close and of course are all day every day together. His brother travels a lot and takes him with him. I hope he goes on a travel and the guy i like stays behind or something like that, i will not be going if his brother is there and i dont think he would lie to me. Hopefully he hasnt even told his brother we are even talking again. He would be a problem, we ended our friendship on bad terms (he started treating me really bad for no reason), and i dont think he likes me anymore or wants me anywhere near his brother. Especially considering how overprotective he is of him. I dont know how we will manage to do it, i did think of staying at a hotel but the area is way too expensive, its thousands of euros for just 7 nights and im in huge debt with the hospitals

 

[lorelai]

Please dont take this wrong and i hope u get better SOON!!!! But yes, Cancer or any illness can freak people out. I lost ally friends after an accident. The more hurt u feel, the more peole run away. It is hard to be aspie and maybe he just thouht he would not kniw what to say pr hiw to redpond or support u as u need?
Are u ok now?

No of course im not taking it the wrong way, it was the first thing i thought. Luckily it didnt scare him away. He did respond and explained why he wasnt replying and said that he wants me to go there.

Well some days are better than others, today for example I have been a mess. Nausea, dizziness, I keep fainting. I have to do things and be on my feet but its hard to even cook a meal at the moment. Im too weak. And i cant skip meals because of t1 and meds(or id probably would not be eating at all, ever). Some days im better x

 

[lorelai]

You say his brother infantilizes him, so maybe he liked you because you spoke to him like he was a person? I won't bore you with the details, but contact like that can be addictive.

Additionally, maybe he felt like it was expected of him that he try to …sex… I don't know. But if you consider that all boy/girl friendships are treated like a romance by parents literally from infancy, you might understand how we literalists feel the pressure.

Wow that makes sense, I never thought of that that way. So he may not even be attracted to me? Im still honestly confused about that and i wont know as what im going there, as a friend or a romance or idk what

 

[Ylva]

Wow that makes sense, I never thought of that that way. So he may not even be attracted to me? Im still honestly confused about that and i wont know as what im going there, as a friend or a romance or idk what

From your description of his body language he is probably interested, but for all we know he's a closeted asexual or demisexual or one of the others that I don't remember the name of. He might not even know himself.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I dont think he will ever be away from his brother, unless his brother gets married and moves to a bigger house to be honest. They have a huge 3 story building, which is 3 different apartments. One for his parents, one for him, one for his brother. So they do live separately but very close and of course are all day every day together. His brother travels a lot and takes him with him. I hope he goes on a travel and the guy i like stays behind or something like that, i will not be going if his brother is there and i dont think he would lie to me. Hopefully he hasnt even told his brother we are even talking again. He would be a problem, we ended our friendship on bad terms (he started treating me really bad for no reason), and i dont think he likes me anymore or wants me anywhere near his brother. Especially considering how overprotective he is of him. I dont know how we will manage to do it, i did think of staying at a hotel but the area is way too expensive, its thousands of euros for just 7 nights and im in huge debt with the hospitals

That is a difficult situation, as even though they live all separately, they are so near to discuss things. As well, as those with ASD can be more direct or honest, then sooner or later it would seem like the brother would find out, if not already. But, as those on the Spectrum can like rules or routines too, you could also consider some with him that he is agreeable to, regarding privacy, confidentiality, and any meddling, etc.

 

[lorelai]

From your description of his body language he is probably interested, but for all we know he's a closeted asexual or demisexual or one of the others that I don't remember the name of. He might not even know himself.

Then why do you think he wants to see me when his brother isnt there? To hang out? He has also been asking to see me all the time since he met me 5 years ago, so i thought he was attracted, but talking to people who know more about this, makes me consider more options..