Is he stringing me along or changing mind about feelings not unusual?

[margotk]

When I've experienced the 'loves me/loves me not' thing with guys, it meant there's someone else and she wasn't available at the time, so needing attention and a kind of narcissistic source he'd return for a 'feed' of 'lerv' from an available source. This was not an autistic guy tho.

He doesn't seem to have problems finding girlfriends (bit unusual for autistic guys) so I would suspect you're being 'queued'.

Thank you for taking the time and share your experience. That's the thing, I do not think there is another person, but of course I can be wrong. He wanted to show me his phone a few times (I always declined, because it is an invasion of privacy for me and I either trust or I don't) or sending me his location (which I did not ask for). But I can be dead wrong, any possibility is probable at this point.

 

[margotk]

If he's on the spectrum and still trying to find himself them leave him alone. Once he's accepted who he is then you have a chance. You'll get nowhere until he finds himself though.

Thank you, I have every intention to leave him alone. I asked this question because of my confusion as well as to figure out how to respond to him when he reaches out (and if past is any indicator, he will). I wanted to have my heart safe and not to hurt him at the same time.

 

[margotk]

I don't know if he's deliberately toying with you, but he's certainly not a good prospect for a relationship. He *may* be deliberately toying with you, or it may be accidental (contrary to popular belief, Autistic people are capable of being intentionally manipulative, abusive, etc.) Either way, though, what he's doing is not good for a relationship and you should not accept it from a romantic partner, or even a friend for that matter.

Thank you, I am sure you are right. I am just super sad know and feeling stupid. But harsh truths are important to hear.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Lets not worry too much about opinions, in fact lets start another thread, called something like what does healthy relationship look like. Maybe focus on positive issues, see i cant tell whats up with you and minefield of boundaries askin you about gettin your thang on( and off) i will start it for you if you want, like in off topic: relationship section?

 

[OkRad]

I agree with @GadAbout There is no way we can tell what he is thinking. Sometimes Aspies just behave badly, clear and simple. Other times the behavior looks bad but the motive is not. Sometimes it really is confusion. We can never know.

Aspies are generally pretty honest, though, unless they have been so hurt as to feel the Truth simply is unsafe. But usually it is very hard for Aspies to just flat out lie.

Your best bet is to be EXTREMELY clear in your own mind what you what and be EXTREMELY clear to him what you want, think, etc.

Start at the very beginning.

Example: "What do you want from me? Are you looking for a girlfriend or a friend?" Have it clear in your own head what you want. Do you want to be just a friend or a GF and how long are you willing to wait if he decides to have you on hold?

Then, like a flow chart:

If he says friend and you want to be his GF: "I am not interested in being your friend." or "OK, I will have you as a friend...." and determine if that is enough in your own head. Or "No, I want to be GF and I am willing to wait, but not too long. Probably about 6 months top, then I am moving on....."

Aspies are great with data. Tell him what YOU are wanting, how long you are willing to wait for it, work out your own flow charts in your own head based on your desires, etc and tell them to him.

He certainly could be thinking Hey she will be there if I want her later! So disavow him of that but you might still be able to be friends. It all depends on what you want .

Just be very clear

 

[margotk]

I am not sure of his motivations or intentions, but he does not seem to be acting in a particular way that would suggest this is a person that can have a stable relationship. Let him sort out his life. I would continue to pursue yours.

Thank you, I am doing that and will try to forget him.

 

[margotk]

Welcome to the wonderful world of autism. Where while at times we may wear our heart on our sleeve, it doesn't negate the reality that we may run quite hot or cold romantically or sexually speaking. Where one can never forget our inherent need for periods of solitude that may be long or short, depending on how much stress we may have in our lives. It's how we recover and energize ourselves.

And whether or not you can maintain the ability not to mind. Above all, to try your best not to take it personally. That such behavior is most likely about us- and not about you.

Take heart in that relationships with autistic people are not for everyone. That at times it may prove to be emotionally taxing for you. And that if you aren't up to the task, that's ok too.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I was willing to give him plenty of space, I read and read about autism for months and tried to understand. But the moment I feel like I get it, he switches gears...

 

[Skittlebisquit]

also jealous (for no reason). But his mood changes on a dime, not just with me. He can have contradictory opinions about the same topic/person within days/hours. For me it seems like he always needs to retreat or act aloof when he opens up (when he suggested we move in together,

Again i think specific issues may not really help here, but lets ask other Women if they agree about this behavior is being " in the toolbox of the abuser" or the type of behavior that typifies an abusive/manipulative man?

 

[margotk]

His divorce couldn't have been too hard on him seeing he managed to fit in 3 girlfriends while still married.

Yeah, I thought the same, but he told me that it was a failure for him and that was hard, which I can understand. But I can also be quite naive sometimes.

 

[margotk]

Lets not worry too much about opinions, in fact lets start another thread, called something like what does healthy relationship look like. Maybe focus on positive issues, see i cant tell whats up with you and minefield of boundaries askin you about gettin your thang on( and off) i will start it for you if you want, like in off topic: relationship section?

I think it is a great idea and it can also maybe help some other people looking for answers/perspective. I am not so well-versed in this forum, so if you would be so nice to do that, that would be great.

 

[margotk]

I agree with @GadAbout There is no way we can tell what he is thinking. Sometimes Aspies just behave badly, clear and simple. Other times the behavior looks bad but the motive is not. Sometimes it really is confusion. We can never know.

Aspies are generally pretty honest, though, unless they have been so hurt as to feel the Truth simply is unsafe. But usually it is very hard for Aspies to just flat out lie.

Your best bet is to be EXTREMELY clear in your own mind what you what and be EXTREMELY clear to him what you want, think, etc.

Start at the very beginning.

Example: "What do you want from me? Are you looking for a girlfriend or a friend?" Have it clear in your own head what you want. Do you want to be just a friend or a GF and how long are you willing to wait if he decides to have you on hold?

Then, like a flow chart:

If he says friend and you want to be his GF: "I am not interested in being your friend." or "OK, I will have you as a friend...." and determine if that is enough in your own head. Or "No, I want to be GF and I am willing to wait, but not too long. Probably about 6 months top, then I am moving on....."

Aspies are great with data. Tell him what YOU are wanting, how long you are willing to wait for it, work out your own flow charts in your own head based on your desires, etc and tell them to him.

He certainly could be thinking Hey she will be there if I want her later! So disavow him of that but you might still be able to be friends. It all depends on what you want .

Just be very clear

Thank you for that clear pathway I wanted to start as friends and see if there is a possibility to build more trust. He was the one who repeatedly wanted us to be together, but without working on it. For me it was futile without working on it because we would have ended up in the same place.

 

[margotk]

Thank you amazing people for all your responses I tried to answer all of them, I hope I followed the trained of thought. You helped me a lot already!

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I think it is a great idea and it can also maybe help some other people looking for answers/perspective. I am not so well-versed in this forum, so if you would be so nice to do that, that would be great.

I just started it,same sub section, called

What is a healthy relationship anyways

Issue i have with 3rd party criticism is it may well lead to "less than" or "i am so stupid" thinking

That type of thinking is shame based. Growth thinking is love based, so a focus on the positive is promoting a higher state.

As i understand it anyone may post a thread on any topic, no fees no limits. Issue is that this forum is open to minors and so must be kept PG13, thats tricky, but there is a moderator who is an awesome empowered female, her name is Tree. Also if you tap the image of someone there is an option of " start a conversation" and that is private

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you amazing people for all your responses I tried to answer all of them, I hope I followed the trained of thought. You helped me a lot already!

The problem with relationships is that there is no clear cut path. Each person evolves differently in their lifetime in their approach to the "one." And sometimes the logic is wrong. Sometimes we don't know if it's the one espcially in the thirties. Defintely it becomes easier the more you mature. My suggestion is concentrate on being great friends, if something happens further down, then it's a win win. If anything, you have a good friend. If you truly aren't in the friendship arena, then you may need to include other friends or rescue animals to move on.

 

[margotk]

I just started it,same sub section, called

What is a healthy relationship anyways

Issue i have with 3rd party criticism is it may well lead to "less than" or "i am so stupid" thinking

That type of thinking is shame based. Growth thinking is love based, so a focus on the positive is promoting a higher state.

As i understand it anyone may post a thread on any topic, no fees no limits. Issue is that this forum is open to minors and so must be kept PG13, thats tricky, but there is a moderator who is an awesome empowered female, her name is Tree. Also if you tap the image of someone there is an option of " start a conversation" and that is private

Thank you for taking the time to explain

 

[Bolletje]

Sorry to hear you’re on this emotional rollercoaster. I can only offer my sympathy.
And my personal experience: When I’m stressed out or overstimulated I tend to want to close off from the world. Even from my boyfriend, and especially when he’s the source of my stress. This can cause me to seemingly run hot and cold, when in reality it’s not so much the relationship I’m on the fence about, it’s more about my ability to stay in it and stay sane.

In previous relationships I’d break up with people because of an acute stressor and when I was feeling better after a few days I felt like I could handle the relationship again and I was ready to get back together. It took me some time to realize that this is not how you treat a fellow human being, so I took myself off the dating market and started seeing a therapist instead

I still notice these sort of relationship mood swings from external stressors, I’ve just learned to mostly ride them out without acting on them or vocalizing them. Mostly. I can tell my boyfriend I want to spend my life with him and things are calm and peachy, the next day I could be plotting my escape because he’s pushing all my buttons and I just want a break.
My personal theory is still that the constant barrage of stimuli that is daily life makes me more likely to become overloaded and need seclusion, and this could lead to apparent hot/cold relationship behavior.

Anyway. There’s no telling whether this is what’s up with your ex. Just a theory of mine.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Fine if you think it's toxic. And if there's plausibly another woman.

Otherwise he's trying to strike happy medium and admitting he is embarrassed in case he was too gushing and / or there may genuinely be too much on his plate momentarily.

As he dislikes intensity he may fear you dislike intensity anyway. But if he's inevitably going to carry on confusing you as well as himself, well then.

It may help him (but there is no onus on you) to say that you need nearer to "all" or nearer to "nothing" (if this is the case). Or, assure him you like relationships slower and more toned down anyway (if this is the case) (whilst leaving him in no illusions about outcomes). You may decide he is lagging too far behind in practical areas altogether as yet?

Being still single myself I think what and who I'd now like is if there can be mutual interests for quite a long period, and if we can maintain individual relationships with other friends, then we'll gradually see if it will "gel" into "something". 30 years ago I had no clear idea about anything in life and was far more backward than the man you describe.

Acquaintances' skills of match making without foregone conclusions and of course without coercion could come in handy for me in the future.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

lets ask other Women if they agree about this behavior is being "in the toolbox of the abuser" or the type of behavior that typifies an abusive/manipulative man?

At one time I was so wavering I had to accept in the end it really did come over as definitely hot & cold. (It was partly attention deficit / absence seizures.) Since when I go out of my way to not string ladies along. I think I'm brilliant for being methodical and clunky and attaining my unique performance levels and not "conventional" ones, without confusing or disappointing anyone.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Yeah, I thought the same, but he told me that it was a failure for him and that was hard, which I can understand. But I can also be quite naive sometimes.

Together with your exchange at 7.50 (my time) with Finder, the fact that he has not long been divorced probably means he hasn't enough of a clue and isn't going to get one quick enough.

Some ladies told me they want to be "just friends" and I think that if we had had enough decent mutual acquaintances (including older ones) it wouldn't have been bad to cross each others' paths in company. Other acquiantances can be too deadbeat altogether, that is a major snag in life anyway.

 

[John M]

Thank you, I have every intention to leave him alone. I asked this question because of my confusion as well as to figure out how to respond to him when he reaches out (and if past is any indicator, he will). I wanted to have my heart safe and not to hurt him at the same time.

Sometimes you can't keep your heart safe and also keep the people you care about safe at the same time. It's a little ugly to consider it but, how much damage are you willing to soak before you cut him off? Have a threshold, at what point is it in your best interest to let him go? If he doesn't cross that threshold then that's great but if he does cut him out of your life, at least for a time. If he matures later that's great. If not then you should move on.