Is he stringing me along or changing mind about feelings not unusual?

[margotk]

The problem with relationships is that there is no clear cut path. Each person evolves differently in their lifetime in their approach to the "one." And sometimes the logic is wrong. Sometimes we don't know if it's the one espcially in the thirties. Defintely it becomes easier the more you mature. My suggestion is concentrate on being great friends, if something happens further down, then it's a win win. If anything, you have a good friend. If you truly aren't in the friendship arena, then you may need to include other friends or rescue animals to move on.

I am willing to be friends but flip-flopping is also not great in friendship. But you are totally right, I will see how it goes.

 

[margotk]

Sorry to hear you’re on this emotional rollercoaster. I can only offer my sympathy.
And my personal experience: When I’m stressed out or overstimulated I tend to want to close off from the world. Even from my boyfriend, and especially when he’s the source of my stress. This can cause me to seemingly run hot and cold, when in reality it’s not so much the relationship I’m on the fence about, it’s more about my ability to stay in it and stay sane.

In previous relationships I’d break up with people because of an acute stressor and when I was feeling better after a few days I felt like I could handle the relationship again and I was ready to get back together. It took me some time to realize that this is not how you treat a fellow human being, so I took myself off the dating market and started seeing a therapist instead

I still notice these sort of relationship mood swings from external stressors, I’ve just learned to mostly ride them out without acting on them or vocalizing them. Mostly. I can tell my boyfriend I want to spend my life with him and things are calm and peachy, the next day I could be plotting my escape because he’s pushing all my buttons and I just want a break.
My personal theory is still that the constant barrage of stimuli that is daily life makes me more likely to become overloaded and need seclusion, and this could lead to apparent hot/cold relationship behavior.

Anyway. There’s no telling whether this is what’s up with your ex. Just a theory of mine.

Thank you very much for that. That is sometimes my impression, not only in regards to our relation but to other things in his life. That he has to say out loud something bad/ultimate (e.g. I am finished with this/I am leaving this country etc.) about a thing that stresses him out to feel in control I guess? And then like it never happened, like it is out of his system. Maybe some kind of copying mechanism? I do not want to assume though, just a theory.

 

[margotk]

Sometimes you can't keep your heart safe and also keep the people you care about safe at the same time. It's a little ugly to consider it but, how much damage are you willing to soak before you cut him off? Have a threshold, at what point is it in your best interest to let him go? If he doesn't cross that threshold then that's great but if he does cut him out of your life, at least for a time. If he matures later that's great. If not then you should move on.

I think that is very sound advice. I think I almost reached my limit and I have to be determined this time for both our sakes.

 

[margotk]

Fine if you think it's toxic. And if there's plausibly another woman.

Otherwise he's trying to strike happy medium and admitting he is embarrassed in case he was too gushing and / or there may genuinely be too much on his plate momentarily.

As he dislikes intensity he may fear you dislike intensity anyway. But if he's inevitably going to carry on confusing you as well as himself, well then.

It may help him (but there is no onus on you) to say that you need nearer to "all" or nearer to "nothing" (if this is the case). Or, assure him you like relationships slower and more toned down anyway (if this is the case) (whilst leaving him in no illusions about outcomes). You may decide he is lagging too far behind in practical areas altogether as yet?

Being still single myself I think what and who I'd now like is if there can be mutual interests for quite a long period, and if we can maintain individual relationships with other friends, then we'll gradually see if it will "gel" into "something". 30 years ago I had no clear idea about anything in life and was far more backward than the man you describe.

Acquaintances' skills of match making without foregone conclusions and of course without coercion could come in handy for me in the future.

I am just at this point not excluding any possibility. I thought I was pretty clear about the whole situation, but maybe I was clear only in how I see things and he can maybe also see my behaviour as confusing. It jus a roller coaster - am I just looking for excuses or it is just too complex and too much has happened that it is just a mess we both can't handle at the moment without breakdown in communication. I think mutual interests as well as outlook on things are extremely important and create a great bond. Thank you for sharing your opinion.

 

[GadAbout]

I did not want to be a person who just gives up on him. I was ok with being just friends and he pushed for more. I have never been in such a situation before. But I am super fed up with it.

Honestly, I don't think you were put on this earth to be this guy's savior. Give up on him if that's what you want to do. The sentiment here seems to be in favor of it.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Yes. I was only touching hypothetical bases. The most crucial thing of all is, was he self-reliant before he was with either you or that other lady? (A different issue from, just getting overwhelmed sometimes.) Because it's not long since his divorce. Is it coping on his own that is the main thing that is flummoxing him? Because if it is, he needs 30 (or less) years by which time it is someone else's turn.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I had an aspie guy flip flop with me for over a year. It was really confusing. I wanted to cut him some slack and take it slow, but, I then found out the truth. He wasn't really that into me. He liked me, he liked spending time with me, but he didn't see us having a real future.

He's now settled down with someone he really wants, so he obviously has no issues with commitment and he's not as shy or cautious as I assumed. He just wasn't that into ME. I was a filler till I got what he really wanted.

I've got a hunch you're also a filler.

 

[SDRSpark]

I had an aspie guy flip flop with me for over a year. It was really confusing. I wanted to cut him some slack and take it slow, but, I then found out the truth. He wasn't really that into me. He liked me, he liked spending time with me, but he didn't see us having a real future.

He's now settled down with someone he really wants, so he obviously has no issues with commitment and he's not as shy or cautious as I assumed. He just wasn't that into ME. I was a filler till I got what he really wanted.

I've got a hunch you're also a filler.

This is common, I think (and definitely not unique to ASD individuals!) People will keep someone as a "plan B"...string them along in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. Or they want something from them (money, connections, sex, whatever) so they keep them on a string. They don't ever intend to follow through, just want to keep the person "hooked" enough that they can continue to get what they want.

My ex did this to me...entertainingly enough, he didn't like it when I finally wised up and gave him the boot. He's still trying to get in touch almost 10 years later lol. I ignore/block him every time he tries, but it makes me laugh.

 

[hatfullofrain]

This is common, I think (and definitely not unique to ASD individuals!) People will keep someone as a "plan B"...string them along in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. Or they want something from them (money, connections, sex, whatever) so they keep them on a string. They don't ever intend to follow through, just want to keep the person "hooked" enough that they can continue to get what they want.

My ex did this to me...entertainingly enough, he didn't like it when I finally wised up and gave him the boot. He's still trying to get in touch almost 10 years later lol. I ignore/block him every time he tries, but it makes me laugh.

I wish I had figured it out before he ended things. I felt really stupid when I put the pieces together.

Just to clarify I didn't mean that he did this because he's autistic, I mean that I cut him slack because he's autistic.

I've seen so many women come onto autism forums like this one and WP asking what to do to help their aspie dude. Do I take it slow, do I give him space? Am I too pushy? Do I want too much? Does he even understand how he feels? Is he clouded by alexithymia?

We care too much. We read about other autistic guys who are shy and who need patience, who don't understand their feelings, we want to be kind, then it turns out our guy was just a dick.

 

[margotk]

Honestly, I don't think you were put on this earth to be this guy's savior. Give up on him if that's what you want to do. The sentiment here seems to be in favor of it.

I think that I need to. He just contacted me like nothing happened. I responded but it took me 20 minutes (I was cleaning) and he got mad at me. I tried to explain calmly that I was nit by my phone but he was not having it. I am done having it as well.

 

[margotk]

Yes. I was only touching hypothetical bases. The most crucial thing of all is, was he self-reliant before he was with either you or that other lady? (A different issue from, just getting overwhelmed sometimes.) Because it's not long since his divorce. Is it coping on his own that is the main thing that is flummoxing him? Because if it is, he needs 30 (or less) years by which time it is someone else's turn.

I would assume he was, but I can only take his word for it. He was living alone for more than a year for sure.

 

[margotk]

I had an aspie guy flip flop with me for over a year. It was really confusing. I wanted to cut him some slack and take it slow, but, I then found out the truth. He wasn't really that into me. He liked me, he liked spending time with me, but he didn't see us having a real future.

He's now settled down with someone he really wants, so he obviously has no issues with commitment and he's not as shy or cautious as I assumed. He just wasn't that into ME. I was a filler till I got what he really wanted.

I've got a hunch you're also a filler.

It is possible you are right. The only thing I don't understand is why he is pushing time and time again to make us exclusive again and be in relationship, where I said repeatedly to be friends and see how it goes. That should be a perfect scenario if he just wanted to hang out. But to be honest, who knows. Thank you for taking the time to respond and I hope you healed from your experience.

 

[margotk]

This is common, I think (and definitely not unique to ASD individuals!) People will keep someone as a "plan B"...string them along in case "Plan A" doesn't work out. Or they want something from them (money, connections, sex, whatever) so they keep them on a string. They don't ever intend to follow through, just want to keep the person "hooked" enough that they can continue to get what they want.

My ex did this to me...entertainingly enough, he didn't like it when I finally wised up and gave him the boot. He's still trying to get in touch almost 10 years later lol. I ignore/block him every time he tries, but it makes me laugh.

Great you are in that place and that you moved on It is by any means a cruel thing done by many, regardless being NT or ASD. I was just wondering and that was the reason for my question if that kind of behaviour can be caused by anxiety and not personal.

 

[margotk]

I wish I had figured it out before he ended things. I felt really stupid when I put the pieces together.

Just to clarify I didn't mean that he did this because he's autistic, I mean that I cut him slack because he's autistic.

I've seen so many women come onto autism forums like this one and WP asking what to do to help their aspie dude. Do I take it slow, do I give him space? Am I too pushy? Do I want too much? Does he even understand how he feels? Is he clouded by alexithymia?

We care too much. We read about other autistic guys who are shy and who need patience, who don't understand their feelings, we want to be kind, then it turns out our guy was just a dick.

Agree 100%!

 

[SDRSpark]

I wish I had figured it out before he ended things. I felt really stupid when I put the pieces together.

Just to clarify I didn't mean that he did this because he's autistic, I mean that I cut him slack because he's autistic.

I've seen so many women come onto autism forums like this one and WP asking what to do to help their aspie dude. Do I take it slow, do I give him space? Am I too pushy? Do I want too much? Does he even understand how he feels? Is he clouded by alexithymia?

We care too much. We read about other autistic guys who are shy and who need patience, who don't understand their feelings, we want to be kind, then it turns out our guy was just a dick.

Yes, we do care too much, we cut them too much slack...

And this is me, I don't know about anyone else, but - I see parts of myself in people, and then I want to cut them slack. I feel bad for them when I really shouldn't.

Maybe that's our famous "emotional empathy gone haywire" thing.

I think that I need to. He just contacted me like nothing happened. I responded but it took me 20 minutes (I was cleaning) and he got mad at me. I tried to explain calmly that I was nit by my phone but he was not having it. I am done having it as well.

Oh, HELL no. Nope, nope, NOPE! That is outright controlling behavior, that is NOT OK, hard line in the sand right there.

Block him, no regrets.

 

[margotk]

Yes, we do care too much, we cut them too much slack...

And this is me, I don't know about anyone else, but - I see parts of myself in people, and then I want to cut them slack. I feel bad for them when I really shouldn't.

Maybe that's our famous "emotional empathy gone haywire" thing.



Oh, HELL no. Nope, nope, NOPE! That is outright controlling behavior, that is NOT OK, hard line in the sand right there.

Block him, no regrets.

That was my reaction. I wrote him I don't want this drama and I did nothing wrong. He started to say I am unnaturally cold towards him when the only thing I wrote before he got mad was the answer "I am well, what about you" to his "how are you?. It seemed to me that he was projecting. But yeah, it is controlling. I never wanted to block somebody who feels lost and who I care about, but maybe I have to. At least I can see clearly I have problem with boundaries and that I have to work on that. Thank you

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I heard a sermon once and like many of those things it echos. These thoughts are like signposts for me. I was cautioned against sharing these insights if thays wot they really are...
It makes more sense verbally. In text i would write it as; people who are themselves hurt, in turn hurt others.

The quote is : "hurt people hurt people"

 

[margotk]

I heard a sermon once and like many of those things it echos. These thoughts are like signposts for me. I was cautioned against sharing these insights if thays wot they really are...
It makes more sense verbally. In text i would write it as; people who are themselves hurt, in turn hurt others.

The quote is : "hurt people hurt people"

Yeah, it is often the case. He is not a bad man, he went through a lot. But he needs to want to seek help himself. I am going back to therapy after this experience. But yeah, the quote is a heartbreaking truth.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

This is a drawing about boundaries and expectations, the title of it is 'circles of trust'
It will make more sense if you personalize it

The self is at the center
This one is about stimilus, response and consequences. The two are intended to be overlays as they seem interconnected to me.

This one is called song of sorrows

 

[margotk]

This is a drawing about boundaries and expectations, the title of it is 'circles of trust'
It will make more sense if you personalize it
View attachment 66076
The self is at the center
This one is about stimilus, response and consequences. The two are intended to be overlays as they seem interconnected to me.
View attachment 66077
This one is called song of sorrows

Thank you, I will surely look into it!