Is it normal for all nearly 5 year olds not to listen or is it the autism?

[inlalaland]

Just commenting on the initial post as I don't have time to read everything right now. You say you ask him to behave but you don't mention any consequences or punishment. And I am most certainly not suggesting anything physical but there should be consequences. If you are just asking and hope that won't get you very far. Maybe if he doesn't behave he doesn't get to use a favorite toy for an amount of time. Something. But without consequences there isn't much hope. In my view anyways.

Growing up my parents always went the talk route 1st and then if there were issues a mild punishment. Eventually I learned to listen to them. Now to be clear they would speak to me as an adult and explain the why of having to behave.

Thank you.
So, we have tried warning him about taking away toys that he likes if he does whatever again. It doesn't seem to change anything as he will just repeat the behavior and then when the toy is taken away the meltdown begins. He carries on for a long time over losing whatever but it continues later or the next day, the same misbehaving and losing toys. So I don't think he learns anything from it.

 

[inlalaland]

Have you considered he may have ADD, or ADHD? That restlessness is a key hallmark. Getting him into some type of martial arts may give him purpose, confidence and a routine, critical for ASD. l did ballet around 1st grade, absolutely loved it, it was challenging, and lbwas with my age group. Swimming class is another great class, and will tire him out. At five, my daughter hade a small three wheel bike, and she was out everyday getting exercise. Later she moved on to a scooter, and loved it. Finding great ways to keep him active,

We have considered that. We are planning to do a martial arts trial class to see what he thinks. I really hope that he loves it. I also want him to learn to swim. I asked his doctor once what a good age was to learn to swim for kids who aren't regularly in pools and she told me five so it's another thing we will be looking into. He loves the playground, we try to get out as much as possible.
I like that, "big boy manners." He sometimes does well when we go over rules ahead of time for stores. Maybe including stuff like that will help, too.

 

[inlalaland]

Don't be fooled by this. For all you know, those kids might be throwing daily tantrums at home, or have just done so an hour ago where you haven't seen it. Or some parents might make their kids behave well by intimidating them and using abusive parenting methods.
I'm just saying this so you cut yourself some slack. We have a selective view. I barely ever see other stimming people with headphones out on the street, but I know that there are many, many of us out there.
It's also confirmation bias. You expect other kids to be better behaved than your son, so you pay more attention to seeing those kids. You might have overlooked the screaming kid across the street because you have been busy keeping tabs on your son.

It might help your feelings to know that many children who come from abusive or neglectful families seem extremely well behaved, to the point that they behave and talk like little adults. This stems from the fact that they are often parentified at home (= take on responsibilities that the parents should do) and/or learn to behave in a way that doesn't attract (negative) attention from the adults surrounding them.
Of course, throwing tantrums and not listening is not ideal. But "good" behavior isn't everything. In a way, your son is also showing you that he feels safe enough in your company to behave in this manner. Not saying it's great, but giving you perspective.

Thank you so much for those perspectives. I honestly hadn't considered them. I had heard the feeling safe part before which I do believe is true. I sometimes wish parenting came with a manual!

 

[Kayla55]

What is difference between high functioning vs subtle autism?
How many teens diagnosing with subtle autism due to these speech therapists who correct more speech, expect eye contact and body language.
The child's file usually has referral, it should have check box for ASD and if therapist could kindly write a referall just to rule it out, if it's not too much. It's amazing how refer when can't answer questions so let's coin that referall goose chase.

 

[Kayla55]

Oh, I know to not try to change him. I am simply trying to find out if his behaviors are typical for his age for all children, those who are autistic and/or those who aren't.
I'm trying to do my best daily, it's a very complicated task at times.

Mine, and it was only once but in shop he took off his pants and did something weird, so upset I begin to blame his short school period as reasonable explanation. Little did I know, but I'm glad he's mostly not to bad in public.
At party I went to see ducks with children, he couldn't find me and three tantrum, very embarassing. Then he proceeded to lecture me as if to ensure I never stepped out of line. It's not discipline, it's inability to comply. So Google what is appropriate discipline with disabilities.

It's blind, and don't like to talk about it all, but if we don't say this then we suffer in silence and don't know what's happening.

 

[FayetheAspie]

The refusal to listen sounds more like oppositional defiant or pathological demand avoidant to me. These conditions are more common in people who have another condition like asd and/or adhd, however not everyone with asd and/or adhd has either of these.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Is he high functioning official diagnosis or your guess may be gifted in some way causing him to be over active.
Need more information.

 

[jsilver256]

I've got a NT child and an ASD2 child. While getting them to do stuff was an issue for both, the ASD2 kid has marked deficiencies in being able to pay attention and follow through compared to the NT child given the same age.

The biggest difference, perhaps, is that the NT kid was straight-up oppositional, but the ASD2 kid has no opposition. Instead, it seems to be a genuine inability to remember and follow directions. If I ask him to put pajamas on and he gets distracted by something, and I ask him 2 minutes later what he was supposed to do, he won't remember. Never had that problem with the NT kid.

My husband says I have the same memory problems too, I just don't notice them.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Thank you.
So, we have tried warning him about taking away toys that he likes if he does whatever again. It doesn't seem to change anything as he will just repeat the behavior and then when the toy is taken away the meltdown begins. He carries on for a long time over losing whatever but it continues later or the next day, the same misbehaving and losing toys. So I don't think he learns anything from it.

Well unfortunately I don't have many other ideas other than perhaps to talk to a child psychologist as they may have some tips and ideas. Hopefully this is just a phase that they will grow out of with time. In the meantime, you are doing the best you can. Take comfort in that at least. That you're reaching out for advice and support shows me you are a good parent going in the right direction.

 

[jsilver256]

Thank you.
So, we have tried warning him about taking away toys that he likes if he does whatever again. It doesn't seem to change anything as he will just repeat the behavior and then when the toy is taken away the meltdown begins. He carries on for a long time over losing whatever but it continues later or the next day, the same misbehaving and losing toys. So I don't think he learns anything from it.

Yep. This is our experience as well. It's a slog. We've concluded the only solution that works is to just follow them around every second and tell them to do the right thing, and hope it sinks in one day. Obviously it's not realistic as parents have their own careers, lives, other kids, etc. But that's pretty much what ABA does, and so he goes in ABA a few hours after school everyday.

 

[Kayla55]

Yep. This is our experience as well. It's a slog. We've concluded the only solution that works is to just follow them around every second and tell them to do the right thing, and hope it sinks in one day. Obviously it's not realistic as parents have their own careers, lives, other kids, etc. But that's pretty much what ABA does, and so he goes in ABA a few hours after school everyday.

ABA is known to intervene, so force child to transition to a new activity. Not accounting for evidence based that focusing on one topic until mastering understanding is so condusibr that Montessori schools are not considered disabled anymore but rather part of mainstream.

I wouldn't tell him that he is wrong or right for not sharing toys, I would kindly explain that he may be excluded from friendship for not sharing.
I think all kids entitled to have favourite toy, and we not all the same. My other son can be satisfied with another option and so it's not that important to him, but his brother just cry and can't get over that it may have being a stimm, and he wants it. So I changed my view on what is fair, and may/not understand why.

 

[Kayla55]

Amazon.co.za : anxiety toys

 

[Kayla55]

Why did I illeterally throw educational program in bin,
I know buzzer encourages the answer but asd doesn't respond think this way, school makes workers and your boy isn't stupid, he's just not social.
What you won't notice is play stupid song in background (distracting when can't switch off) and did you ever have music played while trying to study.

So there is idiots guide to ASD and loving guide. Do you want happy child or numb confused child who had feelings that were different but no one embraced and encouraged talents?
ABA is damaging, and only used very occassionally.

 

[Kayla55]

Idiots guide to ABA
Or
Accept your gifted child is different, try to support him where you can. You may not have autism yourself, but you may just wish to accept it.

 

[jsilver256]

There are good and bad schools. Good and bad churches. Good and bad families. I don't see why therapy is any different, and I trust that most loving parents have the discernment to pick out the right therapeutic solutions for their children. My son loves going to ABA.

 

[inlalaland]

Is he high functioning official diagnosis or your guess may be gifted in some way causing him to be over active.
Need more information.

Official diagnosis. The psychologist who did his evaluation stressed "very" high functioning.

 

[inlalaland]

I've got a NT child and an ASD2 child. While getting them to do stuff was an issue for both, the ASD2 kid has marked deficiencies in being able to pay attention and follow through compared to the NT child given the same age.

The biggest difference, perhaps, is that the NT kid was straight-up oppositional, but the ASD2 kid has no opposition. Instead, it seems to be a genuine inability to remember and follow directions. If I ask him to put pajamas on and he gets distracted by something, and I ask him 2 minutes later what he was supposed to do, he won't remember. Never had that problem with the NT kid.

My husband says I have the same memory problems too, I just don't notice them.

Thank you. That is very helpful to know.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Being gifted with a very active mind and being on the spectrum concurrently could be very confusing for him, Not understanding why others are so different.

 

[Cutesie]

Being gifted with a very active mind and being on the spectrum concurrently could be very confusing for him, Not understanding why others are so different.

Yup. I don't know how big of a factor this was for me, but I'm sure it contributed to my confusion as a child. People very openly talked about how smart I was. At the same time, I felt dumb in a lot of ways. I'm still living with those contradictions.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I'm a grand father now great uncle to three what looks like gifted children, so rapidly getting myself up to speed on the latest findings The various parents are too busy working so I do it for them. All my parents had was a book by Dr. Spock I do not get how they pulled if of six basically six gifted kids, only my dad was also gifted. Blue collar guy trying different things, build his own house, tried farming. Ran hardware store, all his friends were the accomplished citizens of any town he lived in. Never had the education they had, impostor syndrome ruled his life.