Losing yet another friend?

[Tony Ramirez]

@Markness I use to think just like you even just recently. So obsessed about wanting a girlfriend. Even just wanting to be friends with a girl. Well I stopped caring in a good way. Focusing on my faith and yoga. It just happens. I formed a good platonic friendship with this really nice girl I text back and forth I randomly meet at a coffee shop when I felt depressed with my friend. We meet up sometime on Sundays. She was there too support me on Sunday.

 

[Markness]

What places have you tried?
And when?

Handing out concessions at high school sports games (Both in 2005.), the public library (2006 through 2007.), and a museum (2021).

 

[tree]

Handing out concessions at high school sports games (Both in 2005.), the public library (2006 through 2007.), and a museum (2021).

More like a retail employee's function than
a service activity?

What sort of *helping* activities can you imagine yourself doing?
Things like.....walking along a roadside picking up litter,
reading or playing games with children or adults,
or any of the activities described in these links>
https://volunteertemple.vomo.org/org/city-of-templehttps://www.volunteermatch.org/search/orgs.jsp?r=10.0&l=Temple,+TX,+USA

 

[Xinyta]

I don’t see any tips regarding volunteering. If anything, I’ve only seen people telling me not to interact socially because I am apparently “too messed up.”

The ones who don’t want me to have a girlfriend take jabs at me and say that clinical depression makes me unqualified for a relationship.

It's odd that you are aware, yet not aware.

You use the words 'I don't see'. Meaning, you are consciously aware of the fact you are disregarding positivity. But your words after practically disregard this set of words after that.

The other is using the words 'The ones that'. As if another enitity/entities are influencing your thoughts. It's clearly the not the people around you, from what I've seen. And if people in your life are saying it. You seem to want to take it as gospel when mistakes, or things out of your control, happen.

Self-doubt and self-loathing feed off the negativity you hold in yourself, and tell yourself, out of discouragement. It's part of the misery cycle you are trapped in.

I mean this in a sympathetic way and not a condescending way. You are not ready, yet. As in, you haven't accepted that life happens and that you are allowed to be an individual. However, this doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Take a closer look at yourself in moments of self-doubt.

-What do your hear in yourself?

-Is it irrational?

-Do you notice you repeat certain kinds of buzz words?

Only you can help yourself here. But you have to be willing to.

 

[Markness]

It's odd that you are aware, yet not aware.

You use the words 'I don't see'. Meaning, you are consciously aware of the fact you are disregarding positivity. But your words after practically disregard this set of words after that.

The other is using the words 'The ones that'. As if another enitity/entities are influencing your thoughts. It's clearly the not the people around you, from what I've seen. And if people in your life are saying it. You seem to want to take it as gospel when mistakes, or things out of your control, happen.

Self-doubt and self-loathing feed off the negativity you hold in yourself, and tell yourself, out of discouragement. It's part of the misery cycle you are trapped in.

I mean this in a sympathetic way and not a condescending way. You are not ready, yet. As in, you haven't accepted that life happens and that you are allowed to be an individual. However, this doesn't mean you should stop trying.

Take a closer look at yourself in moments of self-doubt.

-What do your hear in yourself?

-Is it irrational?

-Do you notice you repeat certain kinds of buzz words?

Only you can help yourself here. But you have to be willing to.

No, I simply meant that I haven’t seen anyone give me tips on interacting socially while volunteering. Instead, I’ve been told to not interact socially.

I’ve wanted to prove those who say I am unqualified wrong but I haven’t been able to.

 

[Xinyta]

No, I simply meant that I haven’t seen anyone give me tips on interacting socially while volunteering. Instead, I’ve been told to not interact socially.

I’ve wanted to prove those who say I am unqualified wrong but I haven’t been able to.

You've just proven my point. You look, but yet you don't see.

There is no unique social rules to volunteering or any other kinda activity. Social interaction, at it's most basic level, is in everything. It's more about using adaptability, at our own discretion, in social situations. I know that it is a tricky thing for us NDs. But, it can be done.

Try collecting what has been shared. And apply it.

Watch how people interact. Copy that, as practice.

Create a scripted plan for different situations.

Most importantly. Take a deep breath, and take mental note of your reactions and thoughts.

I know this is last thing you want to hear. But outside suggestions and advice, the rest is up to you. You have to do it or it will never be done.

 

[thejuice]

The only way.to get better at socialising is by doing it and learning from your mistakes. A forum isn't the same. I volunteered at a charity shop today. They are understanding and kind usually.

 

[Cryptid]

I haven’t seen anyone give me tips on interacting socially while volunteering. Instead, I’ve been told to not interact socially.

You have been given uncountable bits of advice on this and other websites. Pretending otherwise is disingenuous, to say the least.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

volunteered at a charity shop today. They are understanding and kind usually.

Agree. Your way better off going to venues where you will most likely encounter nicer people which is where I go. Also as I said if you talk to girls, try to be friendly to them and try not to pressure them to want to date them. It's better for them to be your friend.

 

[thejuice]

Agree. Your way better off going to venues where you will most likely encounter nicer people which is where I go. Also as I said if you talk to girls, try to be friendly to them and try not to pressure them to want to date them. It's better for them to be your friend.

I find it much easier to make friends with men. Maybe if that happens first, a girlfriend will follow suit. I'll be more interesting and I'll be more approachable in social settings

 

[Markness]

You've just proven my point. You look, but yet you don't see.

There is no unique social rules to volunteering or any other kinda activity. Social interaction, at it's most basic level, is in everything. It's more about using adaptability, at our own discretion, in social situations. I know that it is a tricky thing for us NDs. But, it can be done.

Try collecting what has been shared. And apply it.

Watch how people interact. Copy that, as practice.

Create a scripted plan for different situations.

Most importantly. Take a deep breath, and take mental note of your reactions and thoughts.

I know this is last thing you want to hear. But outside suggestions and advice, the rest is up to you. You have to do it or it will never be done.

This post comes off as if you are attempting to insult me.

 

[Mary Terry]

This post comes off as if you are attempting to insult me.

No, it doesn't come off as an attempted insult. It comes across as a friendly and helpful response to your refusal to consider anything anyone says to you to help you.

You have to change yourself, Markness. We cannot do that for you.

 

[Xinyta]

This post comes off as if you are attempting to insult me.

Look. Nothing I've said so far have been attacks, insults, or anything of the like. Nor has anyone else done such a thing. You are welcome to not believe me. But this is the truth.

You're hurting. I know it. I know what you are trying to do, because I've done this myself. You are looking for help, but spurn anything that doesn't sound as you hope. Much like I have myself with people and communicating with with them in general. Putting up defenses at anything that feels like a personal attack.

This is something I'm learning, and something you have to be willing to face. The truth is a painful thing. But the sting is momentary, compared to lasting pain of lying. Especially when someone lies to themself.

Maybe you're not ready to see it yet. But you lie to yourself constantly. You back down as soon as the going gets tough. But that is only because you haven't accepted your traumas. This will take time and patience. Lots of it.

Anything worth doing is going to be tough. There is no shortcuts to making a proper effort to self-betterment. Let alone living life.

This will not make sense right now, but take a closer look at everyone's posts. Put some thought into why we all saying what we are. There is a purpose in it. I see it. The others see it. But none of that will matter if you don't see it.

Take time for yourself and look around. You'll find that anxiety and distress skew perspectives in a specific light that is untrue to the reality. Nothing is ever as horrible as it seems.

 

[Cryptid]

As long as pieces of advice are perceived as insults, no progress will be made.

 

[Len Huppe]

@Markness you are asking a valid question. However, there is no one single answer. That is why the answer you seek is not as forthcoming as you would like.

Please allow me to share something that I have learned. When you find yourself asking, "why does this keep happening to me?", rephrase the question a bit. How about asking, "how does this situation come to be?"

When you phrase the question that way, you can begin to piece together what's happening.

The most important thing you will learn is that it's not your fault.

 

[Markness]

She didn’t know that my mother is a control freak and that I can’t afford to travel.

 

[Markness]

No, it doesn't come off as an attempted insult. It comes across as a friendly and helpful response to your refusal to consider anything anyone says to you to help you.

You have to change yourself, Markness. We cannot do that for you.

I’ve made attempts to change myself but I still struggle socially and hit dead ends. Apparently I am not supposed to feel hurt when it happens but I can’t help it.

I somehow missed it before but you said something that I don’t know if it was aimed at me or not. It had to do with incels.

 

[Hypnalis]

Apparently I am not supposed to feel hurt when it happens but I can’t help it.

This is another deflection. Nobody is telling you if it's ok to feel one way or the other.

People are suggesting ways for you to act.

For example I sometimes tell you to let go this deflection/avoidance game. Deflection is a mechanism to inappropriately externalize responsibility.

It's about feeling in the sense that's it's usually "feelings" that people are trying to hide from. But it makes no sense to say "you're not allowed to feel 'X' in response to something that happens".
The suggestions are about how to deal with the uncomfortable situation.

Deflection locks you into endless repetition. It's ok occasionally for tactical reasons, but it's not a good life strategy.
Face your problems. Accept that they exist. Understand them.

It's still better to do that if your plan is not to change anything.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I can't believe I forgot to delete that last post. Really, things are so good between me and the coffee shop friend. We have a casual friendship and nothing more. I am happy with it. I message her and sometimes see her on Sunday. She is happy I have been more positive lately now I am out of that crazy mental clinic. She is having her baptism next Sunday, and I am so supporting her that day like she did me.

 

[Mary Terry]

I’ve made attempts to change myself but I still struggle socially and hit dead ends. Apparently I am not supposed to feel hurt when it happens but I can’t help it.

I somehow missed it before but you said something that I don’t know if it was aimed at me or not. It had to do with incels.

I haven't made any statements about incels that pertained to you. I can tell you're not an incel, Markness. I would love it if you could be happy in life, but that happiness must come from within you.