MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Kari Suttle]

Hi Kari Glad you liked my note Hope my watch list joke didn't scare you, I'm real heavy into the dark matter stuff kind of a hobby obsesion. On the friend thing I used to be a wall flower but now I just put everything on the table (auspie) I'm wierd and proud of it. It thins the herd quick, you find out who can handle it and who can't, saves time. Even with out going (nt)s I usually have to make the first move a warm hello, handshake, chat them up for a few minuets about their cows, crops, job whatever, if the situation permits some times I live dangerously and do the ha ha Jenifer Aniston,(Friends tv sh), pat on the arm or shoulder. Usualy works if I don't talk too long and a little contact carefully done buys lots of points...lots! Maelstrom years to learn this tho.

It didn't maelstorm, i actually wasn't sure what you meant by watch list. Sounds like you got more social skills then me, i never know what i'm doing. I try to keep my answers with strangers short and sweet, even coworkers, to just answer them simply and that's it. Inquire about them and try to seem politely interested enough. It never works though cause my coworkers ignore me too, for the most part. Yeah i'm in a mopey mood tonight if you can't tell. Sorry.

 

[Ylva]

All good points. I agree with everything you said.
Have you found any NT's who will do those things with you?

Three: my sister, who is four years younger and used to me by now; a woman I met at uni, who took philosophy classes with me and seemed fascinated by my inability to wrap my thoughts in inoffensive metaphors (although she still feels the need to defend herself occasionally); and one man who genuinely appreciates honesty, and manages to refrain from taking things personally even when he doesn't.

He has no trouble with anything social, so I doubt he's an aspie, but he seems to have some sensory sensitivities. I have wondered if his ability to not take things personally is what keeps him sane through those sensitivities, but have as yet been unable to check for myself.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Ah okay. That'd be me down to a 't'. As for me and my friend we would talk fairly often. Depending on the age, it might be several times a week calling each other and visiting or just emailing once or twice a week. **** went on but we kept in contact often irregardles. As for what happened, my friend and me'd been arguing off and on...she'd suddenly get upset with me for simply telling her about my latest favorite thing, for example. Which she'd asked about. Like it wasn't a normal thing, we always shared what we were into with each other. That's what started it, i started to get really unsure about talking to her. Always second guessing if she was just asking to be polite and was just grudgingly listening to me. Then she got a boyfriend and had family issues going on and just dropped me a month or so later with no word at all. 3/4 a year later she contacts me and explains herself - i'd had no clue why she'd abandoned me up until this point - and i gave her a chance. We'd been friends since we were both little kids, i figured she deserved at least that even if i wasn't sure how i felt about it. But it didn't pan out. I just couldn't trust her the same. Not after her getting mad at me for simply being myself several times and then randomly stopping talking to me. Yet of course when i asked about her boyfriend she could talk about him, even had a trip planned to go visit him. I admit i'm the one that cut her off; it just didn't feel right anymore. I couldn't trust her like i used to despite her wanting me to, she betrayed that. Which is sad cause she was the only true friend i ever had.

One thing I don't like about girlfriends is once they get a boyfriend (no matter what age) they drop all their girlfriends and just pay attention to their boyfriend. I kind of get it because they are infatuated and want to spend as much time with their new boyfriend as possible, but its probably the worst thing they could do. They lose their girlfriends and end up smothering their boyfriend.
Maybe you could reach out to her one more time if she isn't still going out with that guy. You two had a solid connection since you were young. If something she does is bothering you just come out and say it to her. Aspies are known to say what's on their mind. You got nothing to lose - it sounds like you still miss her alot. She would have to earn your trust.

I had a friend 20 yrs ago that I met again and I honestly tried to get the friendship started again. She was upset about why we had parted (over guys of course) and I couldn't honestly remember what happened which I told her. We texted for awhile but she got mad at me because I wouldn't go out with her one night unplanned and she didn't talk to me for 3 months. I'm still open to talking to her but I'm not going out of my way. I may text her again once I get re-employed - I can't do much right now.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Three: my sister, who is four years younger and used to me by now; a woman I met at uni, who took philosophy classes with me and seemed fascinated by my inability to wrap my thoughts in inoffensive metaphors (although she still feels the need to defend herself occasionally); and one man who genuinely appreciates honesty, and manages to refrain from taking things personally even when he doesn't.

He has no trouble with anything social, so I doubt he's an aspie, but he seems to have some sensory sensitivities. I have wondered if his ability to not take things personally is what keeps him sane through those sensitivities, but have as yet been unable to check for myself.

Is the man you speak of a friend or are you dating him?

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="nurseangela, sorry first timer got sucked into too many threds stupid, the friend thing works quite well so long as I remember to shut up and listen enough but some times my au kicks in when there is too much going on at church, and the world begins to tilt, time slooows down voisces get far away, and retreat is nescisary, sometimes a short break is needed from people to recharge.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It didn't maelstorm, i actually wasn't sure what you meant by watch list. Sounds like you got more social skills then me, i never know what i'm doing. I try to keep my answers with strangers short and sweet, even coworkers, to just answer them simply and that's it. Inquire about them and try to seem politely interested enough. It never works though cause my coworkers ignore me too, for the most part. Yeah i'm in a mopey mood tonight if you can't tell. Sorry.

You know, it just upsets me when I keep reading how some of you are ignored - like you said happens with your co-workers. Honestly, when I had a job I hung around with the newer ones that were shy (aside from the ones I already was friends with for 12 yrs). I trust quieter people more than ones that are too outgoing. The outgoing ones are fun to hang around, but they were never my "friends". I'm still trying to get a hold of one at work that was quiet and was treated bad by some of the b****** that thought they were so great (like the one that should have been fired when I was canned but is still working there because she's in the "in" crowd doing Facebook and all that crap). Yes, I'm still madder than hell over what happened. Anyway, as an NT I like the quieter ones. Don't get too down on yourself cause they probably aren't worth being friends with and their so-called "friendships" are probably pretty shallow.

 

[Maelstrom]

Very interesting. You consider him a good friend then? How many times do you do things together? Who contacts the other first?
Does he know you're half Aspie? And you said you're not close in age - do you see him as a father figure or a friend?

(I know I ask a lot of questions)

I usualy contact him not always he travels alot with work very busy on cell all the time very popular so it is amazing I rate anything with him at all. It's kind of half father figure half intilectual sparring partners.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

[QUOTE="nurseangela, sorry first timer got sucked into too many threds stupid, the friend thing works quite well so long as I remember to shut up and listen enough but some times my au kicks in when there is too much going on at church, and the world begins to tilt, time slooows down voisces get far away, and retreat is nescisary, sometimes a short break is needed from people to recharge.

I'll probably never really understand the recharging thing because I haven't experienced it. I sometimes need alone time but that's probably not even close to what you're talking about. I'm sure that gets in the way of alot of things.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I usualy contact him not always he travels alot with work very busy on cell all the time very popular so it is amazing I rate anything with him at all. It's kind of half father figure half intilectual sparring partners.

Any other friends?

 

[Vanilla]

I find that the friendship would need to be a balance of understanding, and compromise. This would require both the Aspie, and the NT, to be willing to work with the other. A few examples include the following.

Both Aspie and NT need:

• to agree with the amount, and frequency, of time being spent together. Setting up a regular ritual; like a weekly get together; might be helpful to the Aspie's need for consistency. Having a regular place to meet might help as well.
  
• to be mindful, and accepting, of each others behaviour. This includes communication style; reaction to certain people, and environments; pet peeves.
  
• to share common interests/ hobbies/ topics of conversation.
• to be able to communicate effectively. This includes informing one another when cancelling plans; or explaining to the other about what makes us uncomfortable.
• to be fair to the needs of the other.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="nurseangela,
You are likely right that quieter people are more likely to apreceat a friend but in the end it is a numbers game and you have to feel out test quiet a few people to find that one loyal best friend that clicks with you....and one or two is enough who has time for the whole world?

 

[Ylva]

Is the man you speak of a friend or are you dating him?

I "date" him when I can, which usually means we hang out at his house and play chess, but we live in different countries so a relationship would be hard to pull off.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I find that the friendship would need to be a balance of understanding, and compromise. This would require both the Aspie, and the NT, to be willing to work with the other. A few examples include the following.

Both Aspie and NT need:

• to agree with the amount, and frequency, of time being spent together. Setting up a regular ritual; like a weekly get together; might be helpful to the Aspie's need for consistency. Having a regular place to meet might help as well.
  
• to be mindful, and accepting, of each others behaviour. This includes communication style; reaction to certain people, and environments; pet peeves.
  
• to share common interests/ hobbies/ topics of conversation.
• to be able to communicate effectively. This includes informing one another when cancelling plans; or explaining to the other about to what makes us uncomfortable.
• to be fair to the needs of the other.

That's a great list Vanilla! Do you have a lot of NT friends? That would sure work with me!

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Kari sorry was too many places. I have found that most people are stupid babies, and will sometimes dump you for a mistake they made because they are too proud or embaresed to fix it. Done it my self a few times God forgive me. Anyways if it is someone you value sometimes you just have to toss the anger in the stupid people barrel and find a way to let them know that whatever it was was nothing, just stand next to them and say something stupid like how nice the clouds are today. You both know neither of you gives a rats ass about clouds, but somehow everything is better ....works don't ask me why?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I "date" him when I can, which usually means we hang out at his house and play chess, but we live in different countries so a relationship would be hard to pull off.

He must be very important to you for you to travel to another country to see him.

 

[StephF]

Learn to understand Geek humour perhaps

 

[Harrison]

In general my friends (aspie or NT) know the following -
- I will not phone them or accept calls but I will text or mail
- don't come to my home
- give me three days min notice of anything social
- don't take me into crowded places
- I will accept hugs if I know you
- always check I am paying attention if it's important, I may have drifted off
- if you take me to a new social gathering never leave my side for the first hour
- introducing me to a new, intelligent, beautiful female will result in me ignoring everyone else for either a short period, or the entire night. This also applies to cats.

My gay friends know I will go shopping with them as it's just condensed fun but I wont go to the bar as more than 4 gay guys in a pack is just too much.

My aspie friends know we wont speak for a long period of time (in one case five years) but it's ok.

My NT friends know that inviting me to their house might result in me tidying, redecorating, or cooking for them. This has been known to work in their favour.

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="nurseangela, Yes most of church a few ankle biters too but none as close many different levels some off and on warm once in a while usualy I have to initeate. sorry gineticly incapable of spelling mom was english major manny lumps on head. One finger typing slowww.

 

[Maelstrom]

Wow! You said you're half Aspie and half NT?
So does that work for you?

Messed up my reply didn't I, the 1/2 au 1/2 as =1 rotten life Iam High fuctioning at least now, the black tide receads with age maybe I will be a lousy nt by the time I die ha ha! But on the plus side power of mind seems to grow above normal as auspie and nt gap closes so you all stay in the game a Nobel prize could fall in your wheelchair lap at rest home. I do love dark humor, sorry.

 

[Vanilla]

That's a great list Vanilla! Do you have a lot of NT friends? That would sure work with me!

I've had a few come and go; though I've moved around a fair bit in my lifetime. I find it's actually quite challenging to find someone who ticks all the right boxes (not just them for you, but they have to want your friendship too). I have a few NT aquaintances, and one NT friend. We understand one another.