MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Vanilla]

My NT friends know that inviting me to their house might result in me tidying, redecorating, or cooking for them. This has been known to work in their favour.

Aw, how cute

 

[Cali Cat]

I admit i'm the one that cut her off; it just didn't feel right anymore.

I've dropped a lot of people over my life to whom I was once very close simply for the reason that it didn't feel "right" anymore. I can't even say they betrayed me. Something just changed, and the relationship no longer served its former function in my life.

I think my friendships are situational and based on common interests. Eventually, my interests change. Chances are, the other person's interests remain the same, or veer off in another direction. Without common interests, I usually lose interest in the person him- or herself. I'm not willing to spend my time pursing activities that are of no interest to me in order to keep an individual in my life. That sounds selfish, I know ... but I reserve that type of "sacrifice" for my significant other, when I have one.

 

[Cali Cat]

My aspie friends know we wont speak for a long period of time (in one case five years) but it's ok.

This is probably THE most important thing with friends (Aspie or NT) for me. They must realize I will not be in constant communication all the time, and it's got to be okay with them. I get so involved in my own thing that I lose all track of time and of my "obligations" to other people.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I've avoided even my former best friend almost sister purely because there was a lot going on at a particular moment in time and even hanging out with her would have been draining and she was someone i was 100% comfortable with. I tolerated her differing interests because she tolerated mine, we both indulged each other's separate hobbies because we knew it meant something to the other. We enjoyed similar enough things when we were together though; we had a similar taste in movies, books, and going shopping, stuff like that. I think that if her interests and hobbies had been drastically different then mine, like if she hadn't held an interest in video games like me, it wouldn't have been possible to maintain a friendship with her. Her hobbies and interests were at least similar enough to mine that listening to her and indulging them wasn't hard at all.

 

[Kari Suttle]

This is probably THE most important thing with friends (Aspie or NT) for me. They must realize I will not be in constant communication all the time, and it's got to be okay with them. I get so involved in my own thing that I lose all track of time and of my "obligations" to other people.

Oh and i meant to quote you in my previous post but forgot to. My laptop is freezing up a lot today its actually really bothering me. But yes friends must acknowldge and be okay with the fact that that there are times i get overwhelmed by life and they will become an obligation, and they will be ignored because obligations are taxing. Again, my former best friend was a pro at this because she was much the same way - if something was wrong with her or in her life, she withdrew and returned when she was feeling better. I was and still am the same way.

 

[King_Oni]

Hm... befriending NT's.. in the rare chance it occurs. The one NT who is not either of my parents in my life with whom I interact occasionally is my friends wife (yeah, only if I visit his place; I can have a conversation with her from time to time. Before someone thinks otherwise, lol)

I suppose the notion of having NT's in my life widely revolves around the issue that they have to be equally out of their mind, perhaps unemployed and share a somewhat similar worldview. I never did well when any of these factors were present, even when it involved aspies (despite that I get along a bit better and/or more with aspies).

I don't expect them to get the aspie mindset, but at least be aware that my thoughtprocesses might... and in many cases, will be different. In the past it has lead to many interesting conversations with people who contacted me because they were in the area visiting friends, but figured "let's meet up with him, see what mindboggling stuff he has to share". If you're not up for that as an NT and aren't up to have your beliefs questioned chances are, we're not getting along as conversational partners.

I've found that I don't do well with overly cheery people.Hey, I can be hyperactive and all, but it doesn't mean I'm cheery and smiling all the time. I suppose I bring a bit of a bleak mindset and perspective to someones life. It's why I don't mix well with certain people when we get more personal. On a superficial level, I guess I can have a conversation with most people... but as far as being "friends"... unless the idea of a nuclear war ridding this planet of mankind sound appealing, we won't get that far, lol.

Not to mention the employment and education issue, but perhaps that's just something that comes with the territory of being on the spectrum. Earlier this week I spoke to a friend of a friend and for some reason the notion of me being on the spectrum came up. He never considered me being on the autism spectrum but then I brought up issues I have with work and such and it gave him a bit more understanding. I don't expect someone to wallow in my misery, but at least understand that in many cases you're pretty much shafted and you just have to do what you think is best. The attitude that everyone can do something just seems overly naive to me and I always feel that naivity carries over to other areas as well.

Well, common interest would be a major one in that I have little desire to talk about other things than what interests me. I never really feel I can identify with the general notion of "why don't you show some interest in my things"... see, the thing is, my day has 24 hours, and every minute I'm not spending on my interest, I'm wasting so to speak. Besides; the problems I"ve encountered with people getting envyous because I just go way, way faster and acquire way more knowledge... it really bothers people. That might not even be an exclusive NT thing. But the moment you put someone to shame who identifies as a "superfan" of whatever band or show, and you tell him trivia he/she doesn't know... some people don't do well with that, lol.

Quite sure more will come to mind later, this is just from the top of my head.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Learn to understand Geek humour perhaps

You have an example and I'll see if my funny bone tingles?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is probably THE most important thing with friends (Aspie or NT) for me. They must realize I will not be in constant communication all the time, and it's got to be okay with them. I get so involved in my own thing that I lose all track of time and of my "obligations" to other people.

This answers a lot for me. I didn't know if it was just a guy Aspie thing or that also girl Aspie's do the same thing too. What normal communication for you with your NT friends, Cali Cat?

 

[King_Oni]

I find that the friendship would need to be a balance of understanding, and compromise. This would require both the Aspie, and the NT, to be willing to work with the other. A few examples include the following.

Both Aspie and NT need:

• to agree with the amount, and frequency, of time being spent together. Setting up a regular ritual; like a weekly get together; might be helpful to the Aspie's need for consistency. Having a regular place to meet might help as well.
  
• to be mindful, and accepting, of each others behaviour. This includes communication style; reaction to certain people, and environments; pet peeves.
  
• to share common interests/ hobbies/ topics of conversation.
• to be able to communicate effectively. This includes informing one another when cancelling plans; or explaining to the other about what makes us uncomfortable.
• to be fair to the needs of the other.

To my understanding that's the basis of any friendship. It has little to do with crossing over from AS to NT land so to speak.

It's a proper list though.

The issue however, I see in this list; many things, at least if I apply them to myself (where, perhaps also lies the problem) is that these things seem to far-fetched for many people and seem irrational.

Examples;

- Amount to get together; I rarely like to hang out for a few hours. I've had the best moments when my friend came over and didn't leave for the next 12 hours pulling an all-nighter. That's how I somewhat bond with people. I just can't really do the "I'll come over for a beer" thing. And let's face it, unless you're a teen, most responsible adults don't have the time, and some don't even have the fortitude, to hang out for half a day at night.

- Frequency; because of my "I rather have many hours in one go, rather than short stints over time" approach, I'm totally content meeting friends once every 1 or 2 months. I don't have the need to see them weekly. That has been a big issue for quite some people I befriended in the past. For some reason it ends in snide remarks like "oh... you still alive?" rather than "good to see you, what have you been up to the the past month?"

Just 2 things from the top of my head in terms of friendships...

 

[Cali Cat]

This answers a lot for me. I didn't know if it was just a guy Aspie thing or that also girl Aspie's do the same thing too. What normal communication for you with your NT friends, Cali Cat?

It's situational. If we've got a common interest we're bonding over, I will probably be in contact quite frequently. Something takes my attention away, possibly a upheaval of some kind in my life, or another unrelated interest comes along, and then contact becomes less frequent. Depending on the nature of the event that redirected my attention, I may fall silent completely and for a long period (maybe a couple of weeks or months). Usually, that's due to something upsetting me, but not necessarily anything that my friend did. I don't like to be a downer, and prefer to mope alone. When I get over it, provided we still share common interests, I'll get back in contact with my friend(s) again.

 

[Vanilla]

To my understanding that's the basis of any friendship. It has little to do with crossing over from AS to NT land so to speak.

It's a proper list though.

The issue however, I see in this list; many things, at least if I apply them to myself (where, perhaps also lies the problem) is that these things seem to far-fetched for many people and seem irrational.

Examples;

- Amount to get together; I rarely like to hang out for a few hours. I've had the best moments when my friend came over and didn't leave for the next 12 hours pulling an all-nighter. That's how I somewhat bond with people. I just can't really do the "I'll come over for a beer" thing. And let's face it, unless you're a teen, most responsible adults don't have the time, and some don't even have the fortitude, to hang out for half a day at night.

- Frequency; because of my "I rather have many hours in one go, rather than short stints over time" approach, I'm totally content meeting friends once every 1 or 2 months. I don't have the need to see them weekly. That has been a big issue for quite some people I befriended in the past. For some reason it ends in snide remarks like "oh... you still alive?" rather than "good to see you, what have you been up to the the past month?"

Just 2 things from the top of my head in terms of friendships...

Yeah, that's a fair call. I know not all Aspies are the same, and some need longer breaks from friends. I suppose there are two main types of Aspies I've noticed; those who like their breaks, and those who need regular contact. I fit in to the latter category, with friends; though aqaintances will be less frequent.

 

[King_Oni]

Yeah, that's a fair call. I know not all Aspies are the same, and some need longer breaks from friends. I suppose there are two main types of Aspies I've noticed; those who like their breaks, and those who need regular contact. I fit in to the latter category, with friends; though aqaintances will be less frequent.

Heh, yeah... I clearly fall in the first category. A therapist once told me that he'd suspect I would do fairly well on a remote island with no people around.

Well, I did warn him I might talk to a volleyball and scribble a face on it though, which would warrant a new diagnosis all together, lol.

 

[Vanilla]

Heh, yeah... I clearly fall in the first category. A therapist once told me that he'd suspect I would do fairly well on a remote island with no people around.

Well, I did warn him I might talk to a volleyball and scribble a face on it though, which would warrant a new diagnosis all together, lol.

Wilson's Syndrome?

 

[King_Oni]

Wilson's Syndrome?

Quite sure the DSM has something to say about people who talk to inanimate objects

All joking aside; the story what he said about me on an island is true though.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Frequency; because of my "I rather have many hours in one go, rather than short stints over time" approach, I'm totally content meeting friends once every 1 or 2 months. I don't have the need to see them weekly. That has been a big issue for quite some people I befriended in the past. For some reason it ends in snide remarks like "oh... you still alive?" rather than "good to see you, what have you been up to the the past month?"

Ok. This is what I can't understand. How hard can it be to send a text or email once a week just to say what is happening in your life so the other person knows how you're doing and that you're still indeed alive? Isn't a friendship worth a few minutes of your time? And if you email or text you don't have to have a full conversation like on the phone or in person. Yes, NT's need to hear from a person more - that's one of our quirks that isn't going to change. It seems a lot of Aspies can't keep NT friendships because of this. For those Aspies that really want friends, what do you think could help this problem? A post it note maybe as a reminder to contact your NT? It can't always be your NT friend contacting you because (I can speak only for myself) they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend - especially if they don't get any answer back to their text or emails.

 

[Vanilla]

Quite sure the DSM has something to say about people who talk to inanimate objects

All joking aside; the story what he said about me on an island is true though.

Oh yeah? hmm...like extreme introversion? I'd only cope if I had at least one friend with me.

 

[King_Oni]

Ok. This is what I can't understand. How hard can it be to send a text or email once a week just to say what is happening in your life so the other person knows how you're doing and that you're still indeed alive? Isn't a friendship worth a few minutes of your time? And if you email or text you don't have to have a full conversation like on the phone or in person. Yes, NT's need to hear from a person more - that's one of our quirks that isn't going to change. It seems a lot of Aspies can't keep NT friendships because of this. For those Aspies that really want friends, what do you think could help this problem? A post it note maybe as a reminder to contact your NT? It can't always be your NT friend contacting you because (I can speak only for myself) they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend - especially if they don't get any answer back to their text or emails.

I presume you have never been so zoned out for weeks on end keeping occupied with whatever you like doing.

I recall a few years back; I didn't speak to my parents for 3 months, and I live in the same house... that's how much I prefer to live in my own mindset. Well, not prefer, that's how I function and keep sane. It's also a reason why I don't have any pets, nor want any.. my zoning out would probably end badly when it comes to taking care... and I wouldn't get a thing done in terms of personal projects.

Besides; what would I say? "No time, busy with a project, see you in 3 weeks, byebye". The way you put it, it would actually seem that one expects me to have full stories to tell, a life going on, while my life can be nothing but staring at paintpots or looking at VU meters while mixing a song for weeks. In a sense, I guess my way of functioning is best compared like being with someone who works offshore at a drilling rig; I'll be back among the living when the job is done. The least people should do is worry about me being alive.

The post-it note... where would I put it? Chances are the only place I'll watch is my computer screen cause I'm busy, and it would just feel like unneccesary clutter. I do have the tendency to hyperfocus for days and that also means that I will not register anything that is not of any relevance to me at all. In short; if I'm doing music, I see my instruments, my relevant notes and my mind pretty much goes in 5th gear only thinking about that. Anything not related just gets filtered out as noise and disruptive.

I do understand that it can't be the NT friend that contacts me; but how hard can it be for an NT friend to just accept the fact that I will get back to him when I have time. The idea that I need to keep up frequent appearances makes me just want to have less friends so I don't have to deal with these obligations as well. Why is it so hard for an NT to understand the needs or lack of needs. My aspie friends are fine with my contacting them once a month... and believe me; I will contact them, I'm not going to wait until someone reaches out to me.

"they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend" well, there you have it... 9 out of 10 times, unless I initiate contact, you are bothering me. My phone might even be off for weeks. I need to be in that zen moment like a monk I guess. (just to clarify; I'm not in such a mindset now, nor have I been for a while, so I really wouldn't want to make it seem like people would bother me by sending me a PM on this forum regarding moderating and such... thought I'd just clear that up)

Yes, if an aspie really wants NT friends, that's one thing they need to understand; keeping up appearances seems important. And perhaps making arrangements about it is the key there. But I suppose for me personally it just feels like a lot of extra stuff I would need to keep track off... (and in fact is a reason why I'm not so sure if I'm even interested in a relationship at this moment either)

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I presume you have never been so zoned out for weeks on end keeping occupied with whatever you like doing.

I recall a few years back; I didn't speak to my parents for 3 months, and I live in the same house... that's how much I prefer to live in my own mindset. Well, not prefer, that's how I function and keep sane. It's also a reason why I don't have any pets, nor want any.. my zoning out would probably end badly when it comes to taking care... and I wouldn't get a thing done in terms of personal projects.

Besides; what would I say? "No time, busy with a project, see you in 3 weeks, byebye". The way you put it, it would actually seem that one expects me to have full stories to tell, a life going on, while my life can be nothing but staring at paintpots or looking at VU meters while mixing a song for weeks. In a sense, I guess my way of functioning is best compared like being with someone who works offshore at a drilling rig; I'll be back among the living when the job is done. The least people should do is worry about me being alive.

The post-it note... where would I put it? Chances are the only place I'll watch is my computer screen cause I'm busy, and it would just feel like unneccesary clutter. I do have the tendency to hyperfocus for days and that also means that I will not register anything that is not of any relevance to me at all. In short; if I'm doing music, I see my instruments, my relevant notes and my mind pretty much goes in 5th gear only thinking about that. Anything not related just gets filtered out as noise and disruptive.

I do understand that it can't be the NT friend that contacts me; but how hard can it be for an NT friend to just accept the fact that I will get back to him when I have time. The idea that I need to keep up frequent appearances makes me just want to have less friends so I don't have to deal with these obligations as well. Why is it so hard for an NT to understand the needs or lack of needs. My aspie friends are fine with my contacting them once a month... and believe me; I will contact them, I'm not going to wait until someone reaches out to me.

"they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend" well, there you have it... 9 out of 10 times, unless I initiate contact, you are bothering me. My phone might even be off for weeks. I need to be in that zen moment like a monk I guess. (just to clarify; I'm not in such a mindset now, nor have I been for a while, so I really wouldn't want to make it seem like people would bother me by sending me a PM on this forum regarding moderating and such... thought I'd just clear that up)

Yes, if an aspie really wants NT friends, that's one thing they need to understand; keeping up appearances seems important. And perhaps making arrangements about it is the key there. But I suppose for me personally it just feels like a lot of extra stuff I would need to keep track off... (and in fact is a reason why I'm not so sure if I'm even interested in a relationship at this moment either)

I'm speechless, King Oni. Not talking to your parents for 3 months when you live with them? You're certainly on an island with yourself and seem ok with that. Thing is a lot of Aspies are not like that and do care if they have friends or not. And since most people they come into contact with are NT's, there has to be a way to bridge this gap because NT's do rely heavily on hearing from their friends.

And to answer your question, even if you said once a week "Hey I don't feel like talking right now cause I'm pretty busy. I'm doing ok and I hope you are too.", I would respect that and be ok with it. At some point, though, you would have to have some at length conversation with your NT friend otherwise I just don't see it as a "friendship".

King Oni, you're very special. You could probably live your whole life without anyone and it wouldn't bother you in the least. I just don't know what to say to that.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Yes, NT's need to hear from a person more - that's one of our quirks that isn't going to change. It seems a lot of Aspies can't keep NT friendships because of this. For those Aspies that really want friends, what do you think could help this problem? A post it note maybe as a reminder to contact your NT? It can't always be your NT friend contacting you because (I can speak only for myself) they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend - especially if they don't get any answer back to their text or emails.

Maybe its because i'm a girl but i'm an aspie that needs regular contact from her friend or else i assume they got tired of me and don't want me around anymore. I started talking to my former bestie again (this thread made me reconsider talking her again). She keeps saying its just as much my fault for not contacting her when she stoppd talking to me. Well i gave up cause she wouldn't reply to my texts! Not that i have proof of that, the phone that those texts were sent on was stolen. But now i'm stuck; she doesn't believe i'm an aspie so idk how to explain to her that if she doesn't contact me, i simply assume its her choice and she doesn't want to. I might check in on her once after a longer than normal period between contacts - after talking myself into it, because i'm half scared i'm just bothering her - but for the most part i will just assume she doesn't want to talk to me if she isn't talking to me. Idk if its normal or an aspie thing but i just let her be at that point. If she wants to talk to me she will. But i think she might be a little aggravated that i blame
her...idk.

I'm almost regretting contacting her now to be honest. I hate conflict. She doesn't get that to me, contacting her when to i thought me she didn't want me to wasn't an option in my head. She literally had to tell me its okay to text her when she's being a no show. But i can't just go back to being her friend with that perceived abandonment hanging over me.

 

[Cali Cat]

"they will also wonder if they are bothering their Aspie friend" well, there you have it... 9 out of 10 times, unless I initiate contact, you are bothering me.

Yes! This! Not that it's a constant thing, but yeah, it's basically a "Don't call us, we'll call you" sort of thing when I'm in the zone.

I just realized how arrogant that sounds. Oopzies.