Need advice. Help please :)

[zurb]

Just as we make assumptions about what you know and therefore should think/do, so NTs make assumptions about how we feel and therefore what we think. But we're wired differently. Thought patterns are different. Just as we don't understand NT social interactions, so too many of us would never think of getting into the bizarre relationship situations NTs find themselves in. Or is it just me?
Aspies tend to be concrete thinkers. Abstract things like emotions are harder for us to both understand and communicate.
An example of different thought patterns: The classic story is the aspie and his NT wife who go for marriage counseling. During the session the wife starts crying. He gets up and walks out. NT conclusion? He's angry, uncaring, cold. Aspie thinking: She's upset, she needs some space. I care so I'll give her the space she needs.
Questioning our motives can be extremely offensive, but NTs will never believe us as we don't meet their expectations, and often we really can't communicate our thoughts anyway.

 

[Lilybell]

Just as we make assumptions about what you know and therefore should think/do, so NTs make assumptions about how we feel and therefore what we think. But we're wired differently. Thought patterns are different. Just as we don't understand NT social interactions, so too many of us would never think of getting into the bizarre relationship situations NTs find themselves in. Or is it just me?
Aspies tend to be concrete thinkers. Abstract things like emotions are harder for us to both understand and communicate.
An example of different thought patterns: The classic story is the aspie and his NT wife who go for marriage counseling. During the session the wife starts crying. He gets up and walks out. NT conclusion? He's angry, uncaring, cold. Aspie thinking: She's upset, she needs some space. I care so I'll give her the space she needs.
Questioning our motives can be extremely offensive, but NTs will never believe us as we don't meet their expectations, and often we really can't communicate our thoughts anyway.

It is very hard to think, that the person is doing something for the complete opposite reason that you yourself would do the same thing. Almost impossible. I guess it involves a lot of trust in knowing that that person cares about you and is not doing anything to hurt you intentionally. Very hard when qhat we know to mean something completely opposite.

 

[Cosmophylla]

It is very hard to think, that the person is doing something for the complete opposite reason that you yourself would do the same thing. Almost impossible. I guess it involves a lot of trust in knowing that that person cares about you and is not doing anything to hurt you intentionally. Very hard when qhat we know to mean something completely opposite.

You've hit the nail on the head there: it involves a lot of trust.

The challenge of understanding an autistic partner is akin to learning a new language with a vastly different syntax.

Once you learn the way he thinks his behaviour will make more sense. There will always be misunderstandings, as in any relationship. This happened to me and my husband yesterday, where my literal and logical thinking and problems with processing caused a big misunderstanding. He couldn't understand why I did what I did and I couldn't understand why he did what he did. In the end we just have to say, "OK, it was a misunderstanding so let's not worry about it," because it's really not worth fighting over in the end. ( I still think his way was illogical, hehe. )

 

[Lilybell]

You've hit the nail on the head there: it involves a lot of trust.

The challenge of understanding an autistic partner is akin to learning a new language with a vastly different syntax.

Once you learn the way he thinks his behaviour will make more sense. There will always be misunderstandings, as in any relationship. This happened to me and my husband yesterday, where my literal and logical thinking and problems with processing caused a big misunderstanding. He couldn't understand why I did what I did and I couldn't understand why he did what he did. In the end we just have to say, "OK, it was a misunderstanding so let's not worry about it," because it's really not worth fighting over in the end. ( I still think his way was illogical, hehe. )

Haha!!

Well I brought up the subject that he may have aspergers. He asked why, so I brought up a few examples. He had a reason for everyone. The conversation ended with him raising his voice. He didn't like the fact I suggested the way he thinks is different to mine. He said that I'm 'weird'.

I brought up the comment he made 'I'm lonely and I like it' I said the word 'lonely' is negative and the definition is that you're sad for being alone so being happy about it is not really possible. Well! Who was I to say that. Definitions can be changed. Then we went on to being happy and sad at the same time. I said that's impossible they are two contrasting emotions, you can't feel them at the same time. Again, he insisted I was wrong and plenty of people feel that way. I let it go as I was getting nowhere.

I brought up emotions and how he claims not to have any. I said you care about me, that's a feeling, therefore an emotion. Then I brought up stress. He said 'I tell you I'm stressed, but I don't feel it'. Then why tell me? Later in the evening I noticed he'd been pulling his eyebrows out again. He has a big area missing. I asked if he'd pulled more out. His response 'STRESS' I said nothing. I thought he didn't feel stress. He is so confusing yet I'm the odd one and everyone's like him apparently.

 

[Lilybell]

Haha!!

Well I brought up the subject that he may have aspergers. He asked why, so I brought up a few examples. He had a reason for everyone. The conversation ended with him raising his voice. He didn't like the fact I suggested the way he thinks is different to mine. He said that I'm 'weird'.

I brought up the comment he made 'I'm lonely and I like it' I said the word 'lonely' is negative and the definition is that you're sad for being alone so being happy about it is not really possible. Well! Who was I to say that. Definitions can be changed. Then we went on to being happy and sad at the same time. I said that's impossible they are two contrasting emotions, you can't feel them at the same time. Again, he insisted I was wrong and plenty of people feel that way. I let it go as I was getting nowhere.

I brought up emotions and how he claims not to have any. I said you care about me, that's a feeling, therefore an emotion. Then I brought up stress. He said 'I tell you I'm stressed, but I don't feel it'. Then why tell me? Later in the evening I noticed he'd been pulling his eyebrows out again. He has a big area missing. I asked if he'd pulled more out. His response 'STRESS' I said nothing. I thought he didn't feel stress. He is so confusing yet I'm the odd one and everyone's like him apparently.

So, my problem now is, I don't think he will ever ever entertain he might be on the spectrum, so how do I move forward. Is it me who's odd? Is my thinking strange? I feel like a convenience fitting in around his life, not a priority. Yet if I suggest I'm leaving he panics. This is very hard as I'm over analysing everything looking for answers/things to make sense.

He's going away to the Caribbean in two weeks for a week and I'm dreading it. Will I hear from him at all? I'm not sure he even misses me when he's away from me.

How do I understand how he thinks when he wont even entertain the idea it's different and conversations about it end up heated?

A comment he made to be yesterday, which made my mouth drop. 'I like your boobs, but have you ever thought about going up to an E or an F. He had no idea why I was insulted.

Surely someone else over the years must have found him exasperating. But then I'm the odd one :-/

 

[Cosmophylla]

A comment he made to be yesterday, which made my mouth drop. 'I like your boobs, but have you ever thought about going up to an E or an F. He had no idea why I was insulted.

I completely understand your offence at what he said. I wouldn't tolerate that sh*t either! I'd just turn around and say, "Sure thing, honey. And you can reciprocate by getting your scrotum enlarged." (I can also say from personal experience, being an E or an F is uncomfortable. I have always wished to be smaller.)

However... I can also see that what he suggested to you was in a similar vein to what you have been suggesting to him. Judging by his reaction, in his eyes your suggesting he is autistic sounds like an insult to him. To people unfamiliar with autism, being told that someone thinks they are on the spectrum conjures up images of Rainman...

 

[Lilybell]

I completely understand your offence at what he said. I wouldn't tolerate that sh*t either! I'd just turn around and say, "Sure thing, honey. And you can reciprocate by getting your scrotum enlarged." (I can also say from personal experience, being an E or an F is uncomfortable. I have always wished to be smaller.)

However... I can also see that what he suggested to you was in a similar vein to what you have been suggesting to him. Judging by his reaction, in his eyes your suggesting he is autistic sounds like an insult to him. To people unfamiliar with autism, being told that someone thinks they are on the spectrum conjures up images of Rainman...

Haha!

I did say I like your face but have you ever considered plastic surgery. He said that's different. He did say he was just wondering if I'd ever wanted larger boobs but he was perfectly happy with them as he's not a boob man anyway :-/

Today he called and said two weeks today I'll be in St Lucia. I might not come back. I said you'd better. Him: why? Then he said well if an opportunity arises I'll stay. Stupid man.

I assumed he was windoing me up but when I suggested that, he seemed clueless as to why that would bother me. I ended the convo saying well you might as well say I'm just convenient and you're not fussed about me one way of another. Can he really be that clueless?

 

[Lilybell]

I completely understand your offence at what he said. I wouldn't tolerate that sh*t either! I'd just turn around and say, "Sure thing, honey. And you can reciprocate by getting your scrotum enlarged." (I can also say from personal experience, being an E or an F is uncomfortable. I have always wished to be smaller.)

However... I can also see that what he suggested to you was in a similar vein to what you have been suggesting to him. Judging by his reaction, in his eyes your suggesting he is autistic sounds like an insult to him. To people unfamiliar with autism, being told that someone thinks they are on the spectrum conjures up images of Rainman...

Ah yes. I can see why he reacted the way he did, however he'd already mentioned to me he thought he was different. He did seem offended and thought that meant he was very stupid etc. I explained that often people on the spectrum are very intelligent. His response to that. Well I'm not. I can't win.

Not sure I'll be able to deal with his bizarre behaviour, especially when he thinks it's me who is different to everyone else.

 

[Judge]

Ah yes. I can see why he reacted the way he did, however he'd already mentioned to me he thought he was different. He did seem offended and thought that meant he was very stupid etc. I explained that often people on the spectrum are very intelligent. His response to that. Well I'm not. I can't win.

Not sure I'll be able to deal with his bizarre behaviour, especially when he thinks it's me who is different to everyone else.

Without some attempt or degree of self-awareness on his part, all you seem to have is a toxic, codependent relationship that won't be good for either of you. The one thing that binds most of here in this community as autistic people, is that we are aware that we ARE autistic. That we became suspect that we were "different" from most everyone else, and chose to explore why. With a possible goal of self-improvement to whatever degree might be possible on our own terms.

Without some degree of self-awareness on his part, I'd think it will be somewhere between exasperating and impossible for you to sustain such a relationship under the circumstances you've posted. Your choices seem pretty clear. To either just walk away from him, or attempt to relate to him only as a friend, in attempting to concentrate on getting him to acknowledge who and what he is for his own benefit.

And knowing that there's no guarantee that either you- or he can "jump-start" a process of self-awareness which might make all the difference in the world to both him and you.

I lived nearly fifty-five years like this, not knowing. Not having a clue. And it cost me.

 

[Lilybell]

Without some attempt or degree of self-awareness on his part, all you seem to have is a toxic, codependent relationship that won't be good for either of you. The one thing that binds most of here in this community as autistic people, is that we are aware that we ARE autistic. That we became suspect that we were "different" from most everyone else, and chose to explore why. With a possible goal of self-improvement to whatever degree might be possible on our own terms.

Without some degree of self-awareness on his part, I'd think it will be somewhere between exasperating and impossible for you to sustain such a relationship under the circumstances you've posted. Your choices seem pretty clear. To either just walk away from him, or attempt to relate to him only as a friend, in attempting to concentrate on getting him to acknowledge who and what he is for his own benefit.

And knowing that there's no guarantee that either you- or he can "jump-start" a process of self-awareness which might make all the difference in the world to both him and you.

I lived nearly fifty-five years like this, not knowing. Not having a clue. And it cost me.

I agree. I'm sat here this evening thinking I just don't think this is right for me. However he's so lovely with me, does so much for me. He cooks, cleans up, takes me to the gym and doesn't get a proper workout himself as he's too busy making sure I'm getting the right workout. He's paid for me to go on holiday and still offering more, but all I want is to feel like I'm important. I should do, reading what I've just put, but I'm still left wondering. I just want him to tell me I'm loved. I think if I knew that I'd be less anxious about the crazy things

 

[Judge]

I agree. I'm sat here this evening thinking I just don't think this is right for me. However he's so lovely with me, does so much for me. He cooks, cleans up, takes me to the gym and doesn't get a proper workout himself as he's too busy making sure I'm getting the right workout. He's paid for me to go on holiday and still offering more, but all I want is to feel like I'm important. I should do, reading what I've just put, but I'm still left wondering. I just want him to tell me I'm loved. I think if I knew that I'd be less anxious about the crazy things

I did any number of those things. Never questioning them, let alone actually being aware of them. Meanwhile someone wanted very much for me to verbally tell her that I loved her. I didn't, and the relationship died one Christmas afternoon. She pressed me and instead of telling her I loved her, I melted down and dumped her.

We eventually got back together again for a time, but then she dumped me.

Yet I did love her. But the need to project it just wasn't there at the time. Thirty years later and I still think of her and that love I lost.

Been there, done that but no t-shirt. Just a lot of emotional scars across time.

 

[Lilybell]

I did any number of those things. Never questioning them, let alone actually being aware of them. Meanwhile someone wanted very much for me to verbally tell her that I loved her. I didn't, and the relationship died one Christmas afternoon. She pressed me and instead of telling her I loved her, I melted down and dumped her.

We eventually got back together again for a time, but then she dumped me.

Yet I did love her. But the need to project it just wasn't there at the time. Thirty years later and I still think of her and that love I lost.

Been there, done that but no t-shirt. Just a lot of emotional scars across time.

You loved her, yet she didn't feel it? Perhaps he does love me and shows it in a way I don't recognise.

Oh gosh I have no idea what to do. So desperately looking for signs he does only to focus on the signs he doesn't :-|

 

[Judge]

You loved her, yet she didn't feel it? Perhaps he does love me and shows it in a way I don't recognise.

Oh gosh I have no idea what to do. So desperately looking for signs he does only to focus on the signs he doesn't :-|

Like you she was constantly confused, which filled her with increasing doubts and even more resolve to feel a concrete need to hear me tell her that I loved her. But being pushed on such a thing...very risky with someone on the spectrum. Many of us simply don't handle pressure of the social kind well at all. And I didn't. Plus being on the spectrum, I couldn't properly "read" her to begin with.

But keep in mind neither of us had a clue of any of this. My own behavior was just a void to me. Consequently at the time, I never gave it any thought.

None of this came as any kind of epiphany to me. It was more like a mystery I stumbled upon by accident where had to slowly and methodically unravel. And it wasn't a linear process for me either. I had my doubts...and delusions that Moi? Autistic? Nonsense! Eventually I couldn't ignore it. Learned too much, and identified with so many people here over things I was never willing to discuss or admit to. Self awareness isn't a simple process for us.

 

[Lilybell]

Like you she was constantly confused, which filled her with increasing doubts and even more resolve to feel a concrete need to hear me tell her that I loved her. But being pushed on such a thing...very risky with someone on the spectrum. Many of us simply don't handle pressure of the social kind well at all. And I didn't.

But keep in mind neither of us had a clue of any of this. My own behavior was just a void to me. Consequently at the time, I never gave it any thought.

None of this came as any kind of epiphany to me. It was more like a mystery I stumbled upon by accident where had to slowly and methodically unravel. And it wasn't a linear process for me either. I had my doubts...and delusions that Moi? Autistic? Nonsense! Eventually I couldn't ignore it. Learned too much, and identified with so many people here over things I was never willing to discuss or admit to. Self awareness isn't a simple process for us.

Did you feel different throughout your earlier years or did you think everyone felt the same? I suspect he does know something is different. Well he's as much said he's weird, so he must. He wasn't impressed with my suggestion though. I tried to say it in a gentle way, but sometimes I'm not great at communicating face to face. I'm better writing it down, that way I can think about what I want to say, but when face to face my emotions get the better of me.

I don't think I'll bring it up again, maybe just try and go with it for now and see if I can look at things differently. For the most part he's lovely. It's just the lack of enthusiasm to plan to do things together. A spontaneous day etc. It's all very structured. Weekdays: Work first then I fit in around it. And he works late some nights. Weekends he travels down to London to see his children, family and friends. I just wish one weekend he'd say 'hey I'm staying so we can spend time together.'

That's how he could show I'm important

 

[Judge]

Did you feel different throughout your earlier years or did you think everyone felt the same? I suspect he does know something is different.

I always felt different. But I could never put my finger on it to give it form and substance. And would have never thought it to be something so complex as neurological in origin. My parents suspected as well, had me checked out professionally and doctors assured them I was "fine". (Decades before Dr. Asperger's research was adopted by the medical community).

Only a few years ago I almost considered past-life regression...wondering if who and what I was reflected in a past life. LOL...nope, the answer wasn't there either.

 

[Lilybell]

I always felt different. But I could never put my finger on it to give it form and substance. And would have never thought it to be something so complex as neurological in origin. My parents suspected as well, had me checked out professionally and doctors assured them I was "fine". (Decades before Dr. Asperger's research was adopted by the medical community).

Only a few years ago I almost considered past-life regression...wondering if who and what I was reflected in a past life. LOL...nope, the answer wasn't there either.

It sounds very stressful. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like. Confusing and draining on a daily basis perhaps.

I feel I should try and be more understanding as even though his behaviour is upsetting at times and confusing, he must be struggling more and I would imagine if people keep getting upset and you are unsure why, it must be frustrating.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Perhaps he does love me and shows it in a way I don't recognise....
So desperately looking for signs he does only to focus on the signs he doesn't :-|

Hence what I wrote about this situation being like speaking different languages, or being from different cultures. Social behaviour is easily misinterpreted.

You need to hear the words, but if your partner is speaking a different language, those words will come across differently. Perhaps not verbally. And in the end, they are just words. Anyone can say them. But actually loving someone is the more important thing, yes? His gentle, loving behaviour toward you.

It takes trust. Faith. And that is scary.

All of our experiences make us who we are. Inexplicable behaviour can stem from a single childhood experience. But answering the question of why, and working out the origins, is no easy task.

A few years ago, if my husband had told me he thought I was autistic I would have been angry and confused, because I was totally ignorant of ASD as a neurology. In the end it was my own habit or self reflection that led me to it.

 

[Lilybell]

Hence what I wrote about this situation being like speaking different languages, or being from different cultures. Social behaviour is easily misinterpreted.

You need to hear the words, but if your partner is speaking a different language, those words will come across differently. Perhaps not verbally. And in the end, they are just words. Anyone can say them. But actually loving someone is the more important thing, yes? His gentle, loving behaviour toward you.

It takes trust. Faith. And that is scary.

All of our experiences make us who we are. Inexplicable behaviour can stem from a single childhood experience. But answering the question of why, and working out the origins, is no easy task.

A few years ago, if my husband had told me he thought I was autistic I would have been angry and confused, because I was totally ignorant of ASD as a neurology. In the end it was my own habit or self reflection that led me to it.

All the behaviours I equate to not being interested etc are the behaviours he shows. The behaviours/actions that I know to show love he doesn't do, but yes underneath it all he can be loving and gentle. Not as much as before, but that could be because I'm showing signs of stress and unhappiness. For example, tonight he didn't call me when he left work. He has done so every night since we met. I immediately interpreted this to mean he doesn't care, therefore had no interest in speaking to me. I decided to call him and he was laying down enjoying the peace. He said he was tired and I sensed he didn't want to talk for long. I decided that he just needed some time out and to not take it to heart. I'm finding it hard not to take it personally as its not happened before. He's almost in a routine of calling during the week when he's working.

I realise I'm going on and on, but just getting it all out is helping. I'm probably driving you all mad ;-)

 

[paloftoon]

If you want him to understand how to care, you will probably have to literally trust that you can actually tell him word for word since you feel he is on spectrum, seem to trust him overall, and my impression of him based on what you told me is that he is almost definitely on the spectrum. You might even have to explain why too to begin to help him to understand. It will feel like you have to use too much energy, but if you want to make this work, you have to consider being able to live in this manner for the rest of your life. Are you ready for this?

Because he tends to like certain routines and shows less expression, he is also more likely to be more predictable and trustworthy once you get to understand and accept his notions and quirks. It can be a worthwhile life experience, but you might have to sacrifice a way of emotional living that you're used to. Probably only you can determine if it's worth pursuing further or not.


Just because he does have feelings doesn't mean that he feels the same way. He may internalize them to such an extreme that he doesn't want to share them because he might react poorly if he attempted to do so. Plus, there is a tendency for routine and not wanting to focus on too many factors. What might come natural for you could be an additional stress for some of us on here.

If you don't think the relationship is good for you, I wouldn't shove the relationship in the back door like many people do. It is worth considering a non-romantic friendship if it doesn't work out and if he feels the same way about that.

 

[Ylva]

He asked me what polite meant

What did you answer?