Newbee needing support in a strange Aspie encounter

[neurotypical1]

Hey All,

Just want to report back to say that I feel much better. I think what really opened my eyes was the following conversion:
He: Maybe I love my FF as a friend now.
Me: I am happy that the relationship is getting healthier between you two, why do you think that?
He: She is moving to a city 5 hours away soon. She wants to continue seeing me after the move. So if I love her as a friend then I can visit her once a while and not hurt her feeling by breaking up.
Me: I think that means she wants to continue to be your girlfriend long distance, not as a friend who you sleep with whenever you visit.
He: ( got annoyed) what do you know about love, there are many different levels, thats why I say I will love her as a friend.

He then said love is only a feeling/emotion not a commitment. You either love (if you feel it) or you do not. He said "you have been saying harsh, reproachful and mean words to me recently so I do not love you anymore. She is nicer to me than you so I love her. But I do not want to be with her so I can only love her as a friend (and still keep the sex so he is a moral man).....:.

Wow he is really messed-up in the head. While this is not aspergers it certainly could be related, right?

Seeing how messed-up he and her are together, actually gave a big boost for my own self-esteem. NO WONDER WHY it did not work out between him and I.... So all of you are right! It just takes me time to finally see how seriously wrong this man is....

 

[KassieMac]

Wow he is really messed-up in the head. While this is not aspergers it certainly could be related, right?

Seeing how messed-up he and her are together, actually gave a big boost for my own self-esteem. NO WONDER WHY it did not work out between him and I.... So all of you are right! It just takes me time to finally see how seriously wrong this man is....

I can only speak from my own experience (obviously) but that doesn't sound like it's related to Aspergers in any way. Way too manipulative, more likely Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Either way, I'm happy for you. You deserve someone who won't play those kind of games with your heart.

 

[wooden_horse]

Again, thanks for posting this, because I'm finding it helpful in my own situation. You know what, when my wife and I have been at total loggerheads over something because I the unknowing Aspie have a totally different concept of a situation too her NT viewpoint, sometimes I have found it difficult to stay in touch with my love for her, but deep inside I always knew it was still there and would resurface when the storm passed. So I'm not always in touch with my true feelings, but somehow I have learned to realise that, and had the patience and common sense to wait for them to re-emerge. It seems like this guy doesn't even have that and for him love is just a transient and 'in the moment' feeling. So he is emotionally senseless, akin to someone who has no feeling sensation in their fingers, who is always in danger of touching something hot and unknowingly burning themselves, he is always in danger of destroying his relationships. And that is the kindest way we can describe him!
It's been great to meet you on here, NT1, and I like the positive, confident way you now sound. Have a great life!

 

[neurotypical1]

Again, thanks for posting this, because I'm finding it helpful in my own situation. You know what, when my wife and I have been at total loggerheads over something because I the unknowing Aspie have a totally different concept of a situation too her NT viewpoint, sometimes I have found it difficult to stay in touch with my love for her, but deep inside I always knew it was still there and would resurface when the storm passed. So I'm not always in touch with my true feelings, but somehow I have learned to realise that, and had the patience and common sense to wait for them to re-emerge. It seems like this guy doesn't even have that and for him love is just a transient and 'in the moment' feeling. So he is emotionally senseless, akin to someone who has no feeling sensation in their fingers, who is always in danger of touching something hot and unknowingly burning themselves, he is always in danger of destroying his relationships. And that is the kindest way we can describe him!
It's been great to meetbbouxxx here, NT1, and I like the positive, confident way you now sound. Have a great life!

WH, You seem to have a lot of understanding and empathy about human relationships. I have no doubt that your relationship problem will be resolved with patience and time. I think the severity of mind-blindness varies among those who suffer from it. Indeed my friend completely has no clue how his words and actions make another human feel. Sadly it is partly because he does not "get in" the emotional center of another and mostly because he is unable to feel those emotions himself. But on top of that, he is so selfish that I just don't think he cares as long as he is not the "bad guy". He has lost many friends unfortunately because of it. Come to think of it I am the only friend he has left.

You have cognitive and emotional maturity that some others clearly lack. Without certain level of maturity, one will not recognize the problems or admit to them, hence the problems settle in and get worse over time. I hope things are going better with you now and that meaningful relationships continue to fill your life with happiness and peace.

 

[neurotypical1]

Hello Everyone,

I am not sure who is still visiting this post, but I came across this article describing a connection between HFA and moral judgement: 'Mind blindness' affects moral reasoning in autism — SFARI.org - Simons Foundation Autism Research Initiative

Does any of you think my aspie friend's past and current behaviors might be related to this deficiency? His FF apparently is not doing so well, suddenly developed back pain severe enough needing hospitalization and needing anti-depressant. I am sure BPD of hers does not help, but his behavior towards her and wishy-washy commitment to her probably has a lot to do with triggering her symptoms.

I really hope all the harm he does to women is because of his neurobiological differences and immaturity, and not simply all malice.....

 

[KassieMac]

Hello Everyone,

I am not sure who is still visiting this post, but I came across this article describing a connection between HFA and moral judgement: 'Mind blindness' affects moral reasoning in autism — SFARI.org - Simons Foundation Autism Research Initiative

Does any of you think my aspie friend's past and current behaviors might be related to this deficiency? His FF apparently is not doing so well, suddenly developed back pain severe enough needing hospitalization and needing anti-depressant. I am sure BPD of hers does not help, but his behavior towards her and wishy-washy commitment to her probably has a lot to do with triggering her symptoms.

I really hope all the harm he does to women is because of his neurobiological differences and immaturity, and not simply all malice.....

Did you read the article? It doesn't at all say what you're saying. And regardless of what you want to believe, Aspergers doesn't make people malicious or immature. I don't understand why anyone would want to believe it. Also, people with Aspergers are far more likely to be the target of deception & malice, not the perpetrator. The guy is just plain mean and toxic … but Aspergers didn't cause that.

 

[neurotypical1]

Did you read the article? It doesn't at all say what you're saying. And regardless of what you want to believe, Aspergers doesn't make people malicious or immature. I don't understand why anyone would want to believe it. Also, people with Aspergers are far more likely to be the target of deception & malice, not the perpetrator. The guy is just plain mean and toxic … but Aspergers didn't cause that.

Hey there, What I was speculating is not that aspergers makes people malicious or immature, but that because of the associated " impaired moral judgment" in the situations involving moral scenarios, some aspies are unable to behave appropriately (akas not hurting others). Basicly I suspect mind blindness that commonly affects autism MAY contribute to inappropriate behavior.

Of course that person has lots of other problems that is not related to any medical issues. But seeing how he repeatedly treat women badly and still believes he is the GOOD PERSON really makes me wonder.....

 

[KassieMac]

Hey there, What I was speculating is not that aspergers makes people malicious or immature, but that because of the associated " impaired moral judgment" in the situations involving moral scenarios, some aspies are unable to behave appropriately (akas not hurting others). Basicly I suspect mind blindness that commonly affects autism MAY contribute to inappropriate behavior.

Of course that person has lots of other problems that is not related to any medical issues. But seeing how he repeatedly treat women badly and still believes he is the GOOD PERSON really makes me wonder.....

The article talks about Aspies feeling responsible for things that are accidental … what does that have to do with making excuses for his malicious intent?

 

[wooden_horse]

Horrible article, these researchers are way off understanding how high functioning autistics think. They have turned us Aspies right off with the implication early on that autistic children are not healthy, and with all this talk of impairments. NT people are not going to understand starting from that viewpoint. I suggest, if you want to attribute your friends behaviour to AS, that you read the chapters of Maxine Aston 's book "Aspergers in love" that relate to attraction: ( this might help you understand how he was both drawn to you and to the other woman), and infidelity, and verbal abuse....oh and self disclosure, and communication. In fact the whole book is a fascinating read.

 

[GallacticGorilla]

You seem bent on wanting to make a connection between his actions and Aspergers. The While people with AS can seem cold and lack empathy at times, as a group we tend to be an honest bunch. Maybe you are right. I dont know? Maybe that was 1 factor of 7.


Move forward, dont waste your emotional or mental energy ruminating about some b-squad x-bf. Put that energy into being a better YOU!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Would this "mind blindness" affect an Aspies decision if they're on a jury?

 

[2aspirin]

I can only speak from my own experience (obviously) but that doesn't sound like it's related to Aspergers in any way. Way too manipulative, more likely Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Either way, I'm happy for you. You deserve someone who won't play those kind of games with your heart.

I think KassieMac is probably right. Sorting out NPD from Aspies is one of the most useful social tools we can all gain. A clue is that shame-projecting blast back as soon as he felt non-superior ("YOU hurt my feelings", etc). He had to quickly deflect. It is almost a reflex in NPD. That is not really aspie behavior at all. Though aspies can be defensive, they tend to not turn the spotlight on others at that moment. Also, aspies can be mistaken for NPD if others take their behavior to be self-centered or absorbed but they are not trying to manage a shame complex and put down others. When aspies realize they have hurt others, they usually feel pretty bad while also feeling bad for themselves for the dysfunction. But they don't try to rectify the self-pity by escalating the shaming and blaming further. They will try to explain themselves.

 

[KassieMac]

Would this "mind blindness" affect an Aspies decision if they're on a jury?

When I've served on juries in the past, I've always noticed some people making their decision based on some emotional reaction to the defendant or charismatic attorneys. I've take it seriously and weigh the concrete facts, which I believe is what was intended when our justice system was created.

 

[2aspirin]

When I've served on juries in the past, I've always noticed some people making their decision based on some emotional reaction to the defendant or charismatic attorneys. I've take it seriously and weigh the concrete facts, which I believe is what was intended when our justice system was created.

Agreed. I was on a murder trial jury in 2003. I took the instructions very seriously. I found the whole thing incredibly stressful though and my blood pressure shot up. I felt really sick the whole time. I never want to have to do that again.

 

[Sass]

I'm of the opinion that this has gone into 'over-thinking it' territory. Often we (and I mean humans, no group particularly) try to use some kind of medical or psychological reason to justify why someone has treated us badly, so then we don't feel so bad for putting our trust in that person, or for wanting to help them. Sometimes it feels as though their bad behaviour reflects on us too, and we don't want that, so it must be something they can't help, like a disorder or something.

Sometimes people are just utter ass-hats. It happens. If he continues to behave like a selfish twat it'll only hurt you if you continue to make allowances for it. Looking for a 'write-off-able' reason for it only pulls the wool over both your sets of eyes.

 

[neurotypical1]

Thank you all, very helpful discussions!

 

[rollerskate]

Hey there, What I was speculating is not that aspergers makes people malicious or immature, but that because of the associated " impaired moral judgment" in the situations involving moral scenarios, some aspies are unable to behave appropriately (akas not hurting others). Basicly I suspect mind blindness that commonly affects autism MAY contribute to inappropriate behavior.

Of course that person has lots of other problems that is not related to any medical issues. But seeing how he repeatedly treat women badly and still believes he is the GOOD PERSON really makes me wonder.....

That's not Aspergers, that's called a false self when someone seems to genuinely believe they're innocent of the harm they're causing others. It's a common trait of a narcissist. They basically have this alter ego thing going on where the ego that's out front is always innocent of being responsible for the other inside ego's (inner self's) actions and this is the ego they identify with (who they want to be) rather than the real inner self (who they are).

What is your profession again? I know you made mention of it being some kind of psychological thing but don't recall you stating any specifics.

 

[neurotypical1]

[QUOTE="

What is your profession again? I know you made mention of it being some kind of psychological thing but don't recall you stating any specifics.[/QUOTE]

Hey there, I research molecular mechanisms underlying axis 1 disorders. Many of my research subjects have comorbid axis 2 conditions but none has developmental conditions that I know of. So yes I am definitely a newbie in this forum!

 

[rollerskate]

Ok, the difference between a developmental disorder and a personality disorder is that someone with developmental is painfully aware of their issues, and their lives tend to center around trying to learn how to cope with them (in fact the prevailing theme in this forum is how to get along in social situations and relationships). Someone with a personality disorder though tends to think they're perfectly normal (even when told otherwise) or they may know they're different but not care at all about how those differences hurt others.

Developmental issues are issues someone wants to fix but can't. Personality issues are issues they can fix but won't.

Sleeping around on your girlfriend and two timing definitely falls in the issues you can fix but won't category....

 

[Annie White]

What an asshole. What a complete ****ing asshole! Doesnt matter that he's an aspie or if he were NT. Total peice of garbage for how he treats people and then victimizes himself. That is a human full of drama, and his issue's shouldnt have any power over your life or your happiness. He obviously has things to work on other than just aspergers.
I am really sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you dodged a bullet and got out of what could have became an even bigger mess. Yeah I am an aspie, but I can still tell when some other person is ********. You need to find a nicer guy (maybe give a few months to heal from this or time as needed) I am glad for you that you found this out BEFORE you got in too deep with this peice of garbage. RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN and don't look back. You did a good job by removing this from your life.
Oh and maybe change your phone number and block his emails. Ive done these helpful things before in the past, and I dont hear from those people anymore. Problem solved.