No Friends or Family

[Kirsty]

So is there anyone else who have no local friends? I find it very hard to start relationships of any kind. When I do, which is rare, they never last long. Usually, people leave me. I don't mind being alone, but it hurts to be rejected in any form or fashion. I like to have the time to myself, but can only see the world through one perspective and can get lost inside my own head/thoughts. A hug now and again would probably do me the world of good, but any physical human contact for a long period of time can make me feel uncomfortable just because I'm not used to it. I have come back to this forum as a place of support; to vent things out. It's better than keeping things in. I'm generally a happy and strong person, but it sucks at times doing everything alone. I do a lot alone. I go out and enjoy nature (not so much at this time of year because of hayfever lol), sometimes I'll take with me my portable easel and chair so I can paint the flowers in public, go out for a Starbucks or something. Shopping doesn't really excite me, just adds stress with town being busy full of couples, etc, and me wondering about usually aimlessly trying to fill in that void of being lonely. There are many things to do to make me happy, but there comes a point when it's just too much being alone. I'm not ready for having an intimate relationship until I have worked on myself and own happiness/peace. I don't get on with my family so I have chosen to distance myself from them as much as I can for my own sanity.

 

[watersprite]

Yes. Recently I tried but it went to remind me that in real life friends are not happening as usual.
I am not without some family though.
Best to you.
Would you share some of your flowers?

 

[Kirsty]

Thank you, Kestrel. I do love lilies of any colour. They're my fave! Have recently painted this. Not sure what type of flower it is. Was out at the local botanics recently and seen these. I discovered I wrote down the wrong plant name after googling it and couldn't find another sign at the time so don't know what they're called.

 

[Judge]

So is there anyone else who have no local friends?

Guilty as charged. Not one person locally (in R/L) I could call a "friend". I tried associating with a local hobby group for about four years, but came to the conclusion it was socially meaningless to me. I'd show up, but even when I interacted with other members I still felt detached from all of them. And non of them seemed to reach out to me in any kind of way...making me feel worse about it at times.

The only "family" I have in town is my cousin, who sadly has a very different uptake of autism...much like some people view global warming. So my relationship with her continues to deteriorate.

My one long time friend lives more than 400 miles away....and we seem to talk less and less on the phone or email. But then he has a busy life, married with kids and all.

 

[Beverly]

I am married and do have local what I call casual friends. I would never entirely relax and be 100% myself with them but, we do things together and, I am fine inviting them to my home.

My close friends live further away, most I have known for decades but, we can all afford to come visit each other a few times per year so, we do get to spend time together and, do things together now and then.

I've had a life surrounded by people that would do almost anything with or for me, people that outsiders would see as good friends but, not people I could 100% be myself with. Of course I enjoyed it all, I think any one would enjoy popularity, even if they couldn't be 100% themselves and remain that popular. Still that got old and, tiresome. I left that life to a degree. I still associate with and, am friends with key people and I do freelance work that brings me back into the spotlight now and then but, I don't live that life everyday anymore.

 

[watersprite]

Thank you, Kestrel. I do love lilies of any colour. They're my fave! Have recently painted this. Not sure what type of flower it is. Was out at the local botanics recently and seen these. I discovered I wrote down the wrong plant name after googling it and couldn't find another sign at the time so don't know what they're called. View attachment 18963

This is so beautiful I felt like more oxygen came in my body when looking at it. Lovely.

 

[watersprite]

Judge and Kirsty I am glad not to be the only one who's only one. trying for some lightheartedness. But I'm kind of tired of it a lot, lately.

 

[garnetflower13]

Even though I am married, I do get lonely for friends, especially female friends just to shoot the breeze with. I don't do well at maintaining friendships; for example the last friend I made an effort to keep, she made it impossible to go on because her "baggage" didn't match mine, LOL. I don't really have any friends right now outside my husband. Back in my thirties I had friends, and I belonged to several groups and people would ask me to go places with them. It's a lot different now! Part of it is my health not being all that great so I am limited with how much I can circulate. And having been burned many times, I find that even if I am lonely, I hesitate to reach out anymore.

Kirsty: That painting is so beautiful, that it makes my heart sing!

As for family, we have mostly gone our separate ways.

 

[Judge]

And having been burned many times, I find that even if I am lonely, I hesitate to reach out anymore.

That's a very problematic social dynamic for me as well. Just another one of many "contradictions" which makes it all so difficult at times. It's just so easy to get "gun shy" about people in general after a lifetime of awkward and unfortunate social interactions.

 

[Kirsty]

That painting is so beautiful, that it makes my heart sing!

This is so beautiful I felt like more oxygen came in my body when looking at it. Lovely.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really enjoyed being outside in the sun surrounded by nature sounds and having a couple passer-bys stopping to have a look at my painting. I am an out-going introvert and tend to keep myself to myself most the time so this experience of attention was quite humbling. It certainly helped my interaction with people skills. I find my life and artwork flow more fluidly when I am outdoors and get a lot more done.

 

[Kirsty]

Not one person locally (in R/L) I could call a "friend". I tried associating with a local hobby group for about four years, but came to the conclusion it was socially meaningless to me. I'd show up, but even when I interacted with other members I still felt detached from all of them.

Perhaps you could try another group with less pressure to communicate such as a meditation get-together? There are many groups suited to individual needs where you don't have to be tied down to one. You can spread your wings and dip into a few others to see which one you feel more at home with. I highly recommend signing up for 'MeetUp.com.' It's the perfect outlet for anyone, whether you have friends or not. I know the feeling of detachment. It can be inwardly exhausting while trying to look okay on the outside. That is when conversations become paralysed in a sense, but it gets easier in time the more you bring yourself forward. Baby steps is what it takes and never be too hard on yourself.

 

[Kirsty]

I've had a life surrounded by people that would do almost anything with or for me, people that outsiders would see as good friends but, not people I could 100% be myself with. Of course I enjoyed it all, I think any one would enjoy popularity, even if they couldn't be 100% themselves and remain that popular. Still that got old and, tiresome. I left that life to a degree.

Yes. Over the years, (with me anyway) I have gradually felt more at peace with myself and no longer 'needed' that external safety net. There was too much pressure/expectations of 'roles' to fulfil both by myself and others, such as going out drinking at the weekend. I don't drink and felt I had to to not seem so boring. I was always happiest just being a homebody! I have since moved away to find myself the past few years and create a life that is authentic and true to me. I used to think I was being selfish, but now I realise I'm being self-caring and have boundaries and more respect for myself now as a whole.

 

[Beverly]

I do think my time in the spotlight of fame helped me become accustomed to feeling detached from a group. You can't get attached to fans, that is a major no-no. Fans get attached to you sometimes unreasonably so and, if you reciprocate that at all toward the wrong one, you create a stalker, sometimes a dangerous stalker that would place your life and/or the lives of your associates and family at risk.

We were encouraged to wave and appear friendly to the crowd as a whole but, to be aloof and slightly cold toward individuals and, never to engage in a one on one conversation with fans unless it was a controlled meet and greet where the fans that go near us were carefully watched by nearby security personnel and, there was extra security to insure all fans left the premises soon after the event. We always had two extra body guards for a month after a meet and greet, on the chance that one fan may have become obsessed in a bad way with one of us.

I think that because of that, I am okay feeling detached from a group I am participating in an activity with and, interacting with. It was enforced upon me to be detached for so long that it became normal to me. I count that as a blessing since I don't want to be attached to anyone too strongly, it makes me uncomfortable to have anyone too attached to me on a personal level. Get attached to my talent, my looks, my public facade all you want, that doesn't bother me but, don't get attached to me personally.

I'm happy that way and, I don't seek out people to attache myself to, I don't want or need that. I wasn't always this way, I wanted the attachment, thought I needed it to be a complete person but a friend who is also on the spectrum preached at me for years to learn to love myself and enjoy my own company. I took his advice and worked on me, ridding myself of everything I did not love about myself that was possible to be rid of. It worked, I love me and, I like my own company. I have not felt lonely in so long that I have forgotten what that feels like. I have been alone more often than not but, I don't feel lonely being alone.

Kirsty, it sounds as if you are moving toward a similar frame of mind. If that is correct, I applaud you, it's the right way to go.

 

[Kirsty]

I do think my time in the spotlight of fame helped me become accustomed to feeling detached from a group. You can't get attached to fans, that is a major no-no. Fans get attached to you sometimes unreasonably so and, if you reciprocate that at all toward the wrong one, you create a stalker, sometimes a dangerous stalker that would place your life and/or the lives of your associates and family at risk.

This is a great thing to remind ourselves of. Recently, I had become attached to this well-known life coach. She is so open about her life it is hard to not feel close to her and tell her everything, but we do! I know there's boundaries and I do consider/respect her as a professional. I was a bit upset that she didn't accept my friend request on Facebook, but I knew deep down she has her profile private for close family and friends/mentors, etc, only. Thought I'd just chance it. She still deeply cares for everyone, though, including myself. This too can attract the 'wrong' people. Suppose she can't have one rule for one person and not the other. I am learning this too for my own business and personal life by limiting others in my space for my own reasons.

What you in the spotlight for if you don't mind me asking. You can be vague to remain anonymous and don't have to be specific. If you don't want to say, that is fine too.

Thanks, Beverly.

 

[Beverly]

I am still a freelance songwriter and, used to perform on stage, with two moderately famous bands and one superstar band, over the years. The last band is still doing sold out stadium concerts but, after our drummer, whom I was close with, died eight years ago, I couldn't keep doing it with them.

Initially I was going to take a one year sabbatical and, find a new band but, another close friend, one of our tour drivers, decided to take the sabbatical with me. We had more time to talk and be who we really were without the pressures of performing and touring and, we both discovered we wanted a quieter, more natural life so, we got married and here I am.

 

[Kirsty]

Sorry to hear that. Great memories to treasure, though.

We had more time to talk and be who we really were without the pressures of performing and touring and, we both discovered we wanted a quieter, more natural life so, we got married and here I am.

Yay! Congratulations. Maybe you can both start a new type of band again in future.

 

[Beverly]

LMAO, NO! He couldn't carry a tune in a bucket if you cemented it into the bucket and, he still makes my electric guitar whine in misery if he dares to touch my beauty. He has zero musical talent. He's a wonderful man for me but, he is not a musician. The cat cries if he sings in the shower, it's that bad.

If I decide to return to the stage, it will have to be minus the husband unless he wants to drive for us again.

 

[TSS]

I really only have one person outside of my brother and his family that I would say that is a friend right now. I have had friends in the past, but it never last very long. I know that I am not that socially conscious in my relationships with others. I am working on that. Simple things like sending thank you notes (my family usually reminds me if I should send a note or not) sometimes doesn't come to mind. I have been told that any relationship has to go both ways. I think I make mine one way. With the other person trying to put their side in but I seem to fail to do my part. That is what I have been told. I am working on this, too. I do like my alone time. I have a lot of it am glad for it. Sometimes it would be nice to have someone to do things with. One of my big problems, I think, is compromising on what we do. I want to do what I want to do and can be not very receptive to what others might like to do. I know this sounds selfish and self centered. I seem to forget that others may not be into the things l like to do. I like when I do do things with other people. One example is going to a musical with a friend and her kids. It was okay. It was my 1st musical to go to. I liked the musical but not all the people. I know that going to musicals is something my friend and her family likes to do. I went with it and enjoyed their company. I guess I need to open myself up to new expereinces. I like to stick to what I know so it is hard for me to go out of my comfortable little world that I have created for myself. I am trying to little by little to let other peoples interest are respected. I am trying as I keep saying , but it is hard.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps you could try another group with less pressure to communicate such as a meditation get-together? There are many groups suited to individual needs where you don't have to be tied down to one. You can spread your wings and dip into a few others to see which one you feel more at home with. I highly recommend signing up for 'MeetUp.com.' It's the perfect outlet for anyone, whether you have friends or not. I know the feeling of detachment. It can be inwardly exhausting while trying to look okay on the outside. That is when conversations become paralysed in a sense, but it gets easier in time the more you bring yourself forward. Baby steps is what it takes and never be too hard on yourself.

It's just not a dire thing for me. These days I feel less self-conscious about living in relative isolation. I have access to socializing with other groups of people if I really wanted them, however I've just become too ambivalent about it. Socialization just isn't a priority to me any more.

If I was someone in my twenties I'd feel a bit more inclined to "push" myself. But I'm not. Sometimes I feel more like Morgan Freeman's character in "Shawshank Redemption".

 

[Beverly]

I gave up on trying to be socially conscious beyond my ability long ago. I learned that it worked better if I told people soon after meeting them, if I was to be spending any significant amount of time with them, that I am bluntly honest and will say what I think, even if they don't want to hear it. I explain that I'm not doing it to be rude, it's just how I am and, how my mind works.

Most seem to understand that and, when I say something they don't like, the just tell me to shut up and, we both chuckle about my blunt honesty.

The few that can't handle my blunt manner don't have to associate with me, that's their choice and, I don't need them in my life anyway.

I used to get embarrassed and upset when someone told me I was too honest or too blunt but now I just shrug and say "Oh well, if they don't like hearing truth about themselves, they should change it."