NT and Aspie Communication

[King_Oni]

If they stopped being your friend just for that reason, they aren't a real friend.

And this is exactly the concern for some. Having only a handful of friends and the inability to make new ones easily makes some way more cautious not to ruin the existing ones.

But I think this goes farther than just "coming out" as an aspie. I think you could apply this to anything you have on your mind (and perhaps, the more controversial, the more it's a "risk" to come out with it).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Your conversational philosophy is a lot like mine. That's a relief - I was thinking I was the odd one out.

I don't always talk to people because often times they talk about things I have no interest in, or that actually make me a little uncomfortable or angry. Reactions inside my head can range from "this again? Bleh, I don't care." To "If you DON'T STOP talking in the next MINUTE I'm going to rip my eyes out and THROW them at you JUST TO MAKE YOU SHUT UP!!!"

However, I've become so good at acting that I can usually feign interest convincingly (although thinking of it, even then I seem to use "stock" responses that seem appropriate). I know I shouldn't be passive aggressive, but if you tell people the truth about your feelings, they want to interrogate you and discuss them or just write you off as rude, and it's so much easier to nod your head and agree. Anything for a quiet life. :/

Hypocritically, if I get onto one of the things I like talking about, I'll go on a mini rant/lecture about it whether they like it or not. xD

I don't feel like I lack social SKILLS - I can act as normally as any NT, and am less shy than most, especially since I got married (and was no longer auditioning women as potential mates to impress) - I'm just lack social ENTHUSIASM. Being alone is a wonderful, rare, and spiritually refreshing occasion I wish I could do everyday.

I can only comment about me and my Aspie Friend as an example here (he's a guy and I haven't had a guy friend in a really long while). Anyway, I know he likes boxing, but I'm a girl and boxing just isn't on my girly list (at that time). I looked up the topic and tried to find out some things about the top boxers and started a conversation. I knew he was interested in talking about that cause we ended up having a pretty good talk over it and some laughs too. What I found out is after discussing the topic, I too found some things about boxing that I liked - when I was young (like 12) I was really into pro wrestling if you can believe that and I also like making small bets on who will win a competition. If I still had cable and was able to get boxing matches, I'd prob try to get some sort of match game started between us.
My point is that I know he likes that subject and I really want to talk about things that he wants to talk about too. By doing so and having an open mind I was able to find another common interest between us. Don't close off someone just because they aren't talking a topic that interests you right away because you may just find that there's something about their interest that interests you too.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

And this is exactly the concern for some. Having only a handful of friends and the inability to make new ones easily makes some way more cautious not to ruin the existing ones.

But I think this goes farther than just "coming out" as an aspie. I think you could apply this to anything you have on your mind (and perhaps, the more controversial, the more it's a "risk" to come out with it).

I hear what you're saying. A person may think something different and keep that to themself, but being an Aspie is about the persons "personality". If someone is already a real friend then they shouldn't even think anything about their friend having Aspergers and it may also help to make some sense if the two had had some misunderstandings in the past. I only have three friends myself, but if I found out I had something about me that they could not accept, I don't want or need them around me.

** Even though I think differently, I still respect someone's decision on what they decide to do.

 

[Christy]

I hear what you're saying. A person may think something different and keep that to themself, but being an Aspie is about the persons "personality". If someone is already a real friend then they shouldn't even think anything about their friend having Aspergers and it may also help to make some sense if the two had had some misunderstandings in the past. I only have three friends myself, but if I found out I had something about me that they could not accept, I don't want or need them around me.

** Even though I think differently, I still respect someone's decision on what they decide to do.

My colleagues son has aspergers and is having a lot of trouble at school, he consequently has had a lot of time off work. My bosses have not taken well to this as their opinion is the son just needs a good smack. One of my bosses have a psychology degree.

People may or may not understand or accept that you are different, but even if they do, that is no guarantee they will accept your quirks. This makes me hesitant to tell people, as if they accept me now, then telling them may just stuff that up.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I agree with you on not telling people at work. Do you think the same with your family and close friends?

 

[Christy]

I agree with you on not telling people at work. Do you think the same with your family and close friends?

My point is, even people that should know better, don't. Why risk it?

I told my family, they nodded and smiled, but further than that, it seemed to mean nothing to them. I don't have close friends.

 

[Cogs Of My Cranium]

If I had an nt girlfriend I'd love it if we could develop a secret sign language that we can use when we are with other people together. I think that would be cute, 'couplely', and helpful.

 

[Ylva]

1) Don't force the eye contact. (Seriously, why is that so important to you? And what's with all the staring? You're the ones saying it is rude to stare.)
2) Stay out of my personal space. I can understand wanting to feel closer to someone and how touching them is a non-metaphorical way of doing that, but if it's uninvited – like it usually is – it's forced intimacy.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

If I had an nt girlfriend I'd love it if we could develop a secret sign language that we can use when we are with other people together. I think that would be cute, 'couplely', and helpful.

I would love doing that with my "hunny" as it would be better than nudging him under the table. I just don't know how secret it could be (maybe fake coughing, sneezing, clearing my throat, blinking possibly) and I'd probably give it away by laughing hysterically - so laughing most definitely couldn't be part of the "secret signs"!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

1) Don't force the eye contact. (Seriously, why is that so important to you? And what's with all the staring? You're the ones saying it is rude to stare.)
2) Stay out of my personal space. I can understand wanting to feel closer to someone and how touching them is a non-metaphorical way of doing that, but if it's uninvited – like it usually is – it's forced intimacy.

I was trying to figure out how to answer this. Eye contact is an extreme necessity with NT's. I was thinking when the last time I didn't want to use it and it was during my yearly evaluation at work. Thinking back of why I didn't want to use eye contact at that time, I came up with not wanting to look my supervisor much in the eyes because 1) I see her as more "superior" than myself in the work environment, and 2) I really didn't want to show anymore interest in her than a "work relationship" (I didn't want to be friends). However, I still would show her some eye contact as it let her know that I was listening to what she was saying and that I was interested in the topic she was talking about (my evaluation). To look anywhere else would have been showing disinterest and a lack of respect.

What's that saying? "Eyes are the windows to the soul". That is so true. A person's eyes can tell you how they are really feeling even if their facial expressions show something else.

I really don't stare at people unless I'm trying to get my point across. The only other time I have found myself staring at someone was when I was really tired and I was actually staring through them. If I catch myself doing that, I will even tell the people that I'm with that if it seems like I'm staring at them it's just because I'm tired (I probably do this because being Miss Etiquette I know that it's rude to stare).

I'm like you on the personal space thing. I don't like someone too close to me or touching me and I will tell them they are in my space if it gets to be too uncomfortable for me. I would say it probably depends on each individual person on whether they are used to being "huggy feely".

 

[KassieMac]

I would love doing that with my "hunny" as it would be better than nudging him under the table. I just don't know how secret it could be (maybe fake coughing, sneezing, clearing my throat, blinking possibly) and I'd probably give it away by laughing hysterically - so laughing most definitely couldn't be part of the "secret signs"!

In the 90s I loved the show Mad About You, and they had an episode demonstrating that type of system. The show wasn't Aspie-related, it was just about mingling separately at a party … signals for 'please rescue me', 'I'm ready to go home', etc. Of course, being a sitcom it all went horribly, hilariously wrong … but you may pick up ideas & have a laugh doing it. I loved that show!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

ANOTHER ASPIE QUESTION:

As an Aspie, what is your preferred way of communication (telephone, text, email, person) and why? Also, why are the other ways of communication not to your liking?

 

[Christy]

ANOTHER ASPIE QUESTION:

As an Aspie, what is your preferred way of communication (telephone, text, email, person) and why? Also, why are the other ways of communication not to your liking?

1 Email- because I can take the time to mull over my words and redraft as much as I need
2 text- it's okay, but limiting in how much I can explain myself
3 person- because then I can at least read body language
4 phone- because I have trouble interpreting verbal intonation

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I HAVE ANOTHER ASPIE QUESTION TOO:

If an Aspie has a friend or significant other, is the Aspie interested in their friend's/sig other's interests and hobbies and what is generally going on in the other person's life or does the Aspie care just about their own interests, hobbies and life?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

1 Email- because I can take the time to mull over my words and redraft as much as I need
2 text- it's okay, but limiting in how much I can explain myself
3 person- because then I can at least read body language
4 phone- because I have trouble interpreting verbal intonation

You can read body language?

 

[Ylva]

As an Aspie, what is your preferred way of communication (telephone, text, email, person) and why? Also, why are the other ways of communication not to your liking?

Writing because it's easier to think clearly when I'm not being stared at and don't feel their expectation like pressure on my skin.
Talking is fine, depending on the person. Some people are unpleasant to be around, just hear a voice inside their head and assume it is saying the same thing as me so they won't bother listening when I speak, and some people listen and wait their turn and don't try to dominate me with their eyes and tone of voice. The latter are the only ones I cherish and never learn to hate.
Telephone is... not nice. Voices are rarely pleasant, and having to shove one into my ear without even being given any chance to predict their reactions is just gross.

You can read body language?

It's not exactly rocket science. For my part it just takes a while to process, and I have certain gestures on auto-recognition. (A feature which makes me vulnerable to misunderstanding because it's the opposite of interpreting things on a case-by-case basis.)

 

[Ylva]

I was trying to figure out how to answer this. Eye contact is an extreme necessity with NT's. I was thinking when the last time I didn't want to use it and it was during my yearly evaluation at work. Thinking back of why I didn't want to use eye contact at that time, I came up with not wanting to look my supervisor much in the eyes because 1) I see her as more "superior" than myself in the work environment, and 2) I really didn't want to show anymore interest in her than a "work relationship" (I didn't want to be friends). However, I still would show her some eye contact as it let her know that I was listening to what she was saying and that I was interested in the topic she was talking about (my evaluation). To look anywhere else would have been showing disinterest and a lack of respect.

What's that saying? "Eyes are the windows to the soul". That is so true. A person's eyes can tell you how they are really feeling even if their facial expressions show something else.

I really don't stare at people unless I'm trying to get my point across. The only other time I have found myself staring at someone was when I was really tired and I was actually staring through them. If I catch myself doing that, I will even tell the people that I'm with that if it seems like I'm staring at them it's just because I'm tired (I probably do this because being Miss Etiquette I know that it's rude to stare).

I'm like you on the personal space thing. I don't like someone too close to me or touching me and I will tell them they are in my space if it gets to be too uncomfortable for me. I would say it probably depends on each individual person on whether they are used to being "huggy feely".

It's just that being looked at feels very similar to being touched, and so when the person won't stop looking at me it gets creepy. I can't make myself look at their eyes anymore than you can make yourself walk into a den of hungry wolves.

 

[Christy]

You can read body language?

It's not a natural thing for me to read body language, but I can tell when I upset someone, or say something that gets a reaction. Judging that, I then know if it's okay to keep talking or if I should back up and stay quiet.

I do very poorly with group dynamics, I just can't keep up with what's going on.

 

[neurotypical1]

I HAVE ANOTHER ASPIE QUESTION TOO:

If an Aspie has a friend or significant other, is the Aspie interested in their friend's/sig other's interests and hobbies and what is generally going on in the other person's life or does the Aspie care just about their own interests, hobbies and life?

Hi Angela, Being a NT myself, I can tell that you like your aspie friend a lot and may be interested in becoming more than friends with him? I think he is lucky to have you care so much about him, and don't forget to take care of your own needs as well! Cheers!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hi Angela, Being a NT myself, I can tell that you like your aspie friend a lot and may be interested in becoming more than friends with him? I think he is lucky to have you care so much about him, and don't forget to take care of your own needs as well! Cheers!

(You made me blush) Anything more than a friendship would be up to him later on. He still has a lot of things he would like to accomplish at this point in time and I very much support him in wanting to achieve those things. I do know that I feel blessed just to know him and I hope that he will always be a part of my life.