Pick-up

[Aspychata]

This is just what I do. It’s how I communicate and I have no one to talk to.

If you read through last things I wrote you might see that I am trying to fully understand and solve the problem. Such as how women could explain to men so they would understand better so they might not constantly make women feel uncomfortable

The talking about myself, especially in last messages, is solely to explain my reasoning.

Nobody else seems to work like me. The whole derailing concept is very foreign to me. Everything I say skips around from thing to thing and everything is related to everything else. Like I understand this is foreign to everyone else, but to me a conversation about women being abused by men is not a full conversation unless it talks about experiences of men or why these things might happen.

Like in this group therapy I am in they are talking about dealing with trauma and I start wanting to talk about flow charts and artificial intelligence because these are related to me. It gets lonely to be the only person who seems to reason things through like me and to be seen as annoying for just being me

Don't stress about this. l welcome your dialogue and hope to increase my understanding in general. ☺

 

[Alexej]

a New York minute

Again my language is expanded -another phrase is added to the stock of transatlantic words and phrases (thanks to google)
THank you

 

[Kalinychta]

I really do seem to work differently. Like we were talking in group about trauma and decision making while depressed and such things and my thinking starts to go to ideas about how humans used stereotypes to group and flow charts and artificial intelligence. Like anything that occurs to me is almost always not going to be directly related and will seem like derailing.

But this isn’t what people are complaining about. You REPEAT yourself on numerous threads about how you feel about gay men, anti-liberal, how men have it so much worse, etc., and it got old after seeing it the first three times. I would suggest not redirecting every thread into what you feel about those things, because it just annoys people.

 

[Juliettaa]

Don't stress about this. l welcome your dialogue and hope to increase my understanding in general. ☺

Forgive me, now it's my turn to be confused and scratch my head.

I didn't agree with one of your comments earlier in the thread, that you believe that decent men are in the minority, and you felt I was minimising you by not thinking the same as you do.

But on this thread, you welcome posts that, in my view, do not have any place on here, that actually do minimise women and make it all about men. Confusing

But this isn’t what people are complaining about. You REPEAT yourself on numerous threads about how you feel about gay men, anti-liberal, how men have it so much worse, etc., and it got old after seeing it the first three times. I would suggest not redirecting every thread into what you feel about those things, because it just annoys people.

I agree. He's been asked to start his own thread, more than once, but the OP welcomes this reverse opinion.

I think I'll bow out of this one now. The derailing and mixed messages are mighty confusing for my black and white thinking.

 

[Aspychata]

Sometimes l make mistakes. l am far from perfect. However l feel comfortable stating my thoughts. And l hope you feel comfortable too.
Too many woman allow how we feel to derail us and not call people out on it. Is it always correct what we feel? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I am focused on speaking up about my feelings. Did you intentionally do anything? l doubt it but it's how l took your response and the fact l said something instead of being passive which was a issue because l come from extreme battered woman stage and the battle to talk about my feelings were incredibly tough. (just even acknowledging l had feelings).And l thank you for your support.☺ For me it's one day at a time, one feeling at a time. And the big one, acceptance and love of ourselves no matter what.

 

[VictorR]

Thank you everyone for your participation in this discussion and especially to @Aspychata and @Juliettaa for sharing your experiences.

In my work, I dread getting files involving abuse, in part because I know it's going to be unique and more so, that I know there is a risk I might not be able to work on or complete working on it.

I always start the call by introducing myself, and immediately recognizing the sensitive nature of the file / situation, and asking if they are comfortable in speaking with me, or if they would rather speak to someone else (i.e. a female social worker). In the past five years, I have only had one client take up the offer to transfer their file (easily done given most of my colleagues are women). I feel honored and privileged that so many women have chosen to share their stories of their husbands, exes, boyfriends, and bosses, and even more so when they are stories that they have not told others, like the police.

The stories sadden me, because they often involve situations drawn out over years, where she might repeatedly separate then go back in hope, for their relationship, or for the sake of their children, or where they felt religiously compelled, but the abuse would repeat until they finally had the courage to leave forever, go elsewhere, and seek help.

More often then not, these are "normal" seeming guys. One that really broke my heart was a story where the guy was a very well known and respected person in their community in high office. She told me that she choose to walk away and give up her neighbors, colleagues, and career because she knew if she filed charges that it would be all over the media, and that sooner or later, she would be outed, and she didn't want to be part of that drama, to be in the public spotlight. And so she was doubly a victim - since there would be no justice or deterrence, and the perpetrator was free to act against other women.

While each victim's story is unique, I have found that particularly for those who were primarily or solely stay-at-home-moms, the violence often started or escalated when the breadwinning husband lost his job, and in doing so, seemed to have lost his masculinity and so needed to assert it in other ways.

For that reason, both at home and abroad, I am a firm advocate of ensuring that girls and women are as educated as possible. While some may ultimately choose a domestic life, generally speaking, the more educated a woman is, the higher the odds of her marrying (if at all) later on, when she may be more financially independent, and thus lessening the odds that she may feel financially compelled to enter a marriage or relationship that might ultimately turn sour.

 

[100skerls]

I hate to even have to respond in anyway in situations like that. Folks will tell you different ways to respond - to me it’s not the point. The point is that the second they act inappropriately the burden is on the person receiving the unwanted behavior to experience their crap and respond in anyway at all. I hate anytime someone forces an unwanted experience onto me when I am just trying to successfully get through being in public. No thanks. I didn’t ask for that.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you so much for everyone's posts. This is a hard, scary, emotional subject to discuss. My counselor surprised me by saying l was one of the few that didn't return back to the guy. I feel l stuck it out (the marriage)for my daughter. She loved her high school. l found it by looking at a newsletter in the municipal pool. I was so happy she agreed to go. I was afraid she wouldn't agree to a performing arts high school.
I had no employment prospects, old age, and l went halfway across the US to get away. It was tough. He felt if he had me harassed enough, l would go back. l didn't.