• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Purposely being ignored in social settings.

Tony Ramirez

Tony Ramirez

Single
V.I.P Member
No it's not me. It's ever neurotypical person. Even my close married friend.

It seems like when I talk to them one on one for example this happens. The person is never interested. The person interrupts constantly. Is not focused and is always preoccupied doing something. But as soon as another neurotypical person comes in the conversation they are both engaged in a long over 10 minute conversation with the person paying attention not doing crap and staying focused.

Then the damn interruptions. It seems like if I am talking I am almost always interrupted by someone else then that person dominated the conversation I am sitting by myself like a jackass again.

Then if I try to engage or the person approached me I often get 2 word conversations. Or the other two things that happen.

Eventually I am always alone sitting by myself while everyone is in groups talking to people. Everytime in every social place. I am sick of it
 
Tony Ramirez said:
No it's not me.
Click to expand...

You jest. Right?

Starting your first few words like this typically means the person 'claiming' it's other people, is really the actual one that's the cause of it.

I don't have to read anything after that first sentence to get an idea of what you are doing. And frankly, it's not surprising.

Jumping to 'I am hated', just because people don't bite on to your woe is me stuff, or anything else. Is a huge leap in logic. When merely trying to adjust to the conversations going on, could help get you back into the group conversation.

You have to actually want to do this though. Which as it stands, you've shown no interest. Namely because it's counter to your MO (modus operandi).

No one else can do the heavy lifting, when it comes to you as a person. Only you can. If you want to.
 
Nope it's them blame me I notice when they talk amongst their own kind the conversations always flow and they are different. I tried everything crapload of articles and everything else but nothing damn well works nothing nothing nothing I tried everything nothing works. All I end up getting is a damn migraine trying and I end up being more exhausted and tired afterwards.

With me they are two words interrupted people not paying attention doing stuff rude gestures excluded always end up sitting by myself.

You can guess the crap I just watched can't link the content it would surely get deleted by the mods. Now that I am going to bed now.
 
Also, go to get-togethers involving ND/Asperger groups. l find those way more interesting types of people. l actually never dated NT guys. And you said you were getting a therapist, l hope you find one skilled in Autism. When are you doing that? They can give you better feedback then we can.
 
@Tony Ramirez

There's an implicit social obligation at almost any get-together:
(1) Be interesting enough to listen to,
2) Make it as easy as possible for the other person to be interesting enough to listen to.

Note that both (1) and (2) are about the other person's perspective.

It's a learnable skill, but (of course) takes a while if you have to start from scratch.

I say that with confidence because I started working on it fairly late in life. Without realizing it, I'd been getting a free ride via (2). When I finally figured that out, I did some research, and now I can do both of those adequately.

So I'm saying either you haven't tried everything, or you had some "implementation issues".

For example, something that's very easy for someone with a "special interest" to get wrong is that they always move the topic to their special interest, then keep it there. Note that doing that doesn't come under (1) or (2).

It's fairly easy to keep track of yourself though, even if you' not good at "reading" other people. If something starts to feel ,like a monolog, it's probably time to "check in" with the other person. Nobody minds being asked (there are protocols) if it's time to change topic.

FWIW the "cheat code" for beginners is to ask people good open questions, and engage with their answers.
It's not a complete solution, but at worst it fulfils the soft requirement that you have a short conversation with everyone nearby.

The very first contact with someone is different, but that's less of an issue at a social gathering, where the protocol is that the "startup threshold" is lowered.
 
That's bullying and totally invalidating. I've had the similar experience of 2 'friends' at college who spent a whole evening out drinking and talking to each other and not even giving me eye contact, acting like I didn't exist. Very effective at destroying your self esteem, depriving you of your human dignity. I was still late teens and they were mid twenties at least , so it was pretty sad.

I've also had someone approach me, say two words, give stank face, then leave. Brutal isn't it? To be that rude is almost impressive, they weren't raised right. That was when I was like "I'm out, time to go play computer games!" But rude gestures? That's another level and should be reported. That's something that is not easily denied, which is their first line of defense. What would help you is finding an ally who could back up your story. Not easy if there is nasty gossip flying around.

What people who dominate conversations don't understand is that their social skills are equally as bad as someone who is quiet, as a good chat requires give and take, respecting boundaries, being polite, good listening skills and relevant follow up questions.

The interruptions are them stepping on you, openly declaring that they don't respect you and what you have to say is not worth listening to. It's rude and indirect aggression.

My brother once made a sarcastic remark to my face about my socialising skills but it's better than sitting there, drunk, obliviously annoying the table, forcing their correct opinions on everyone and making too many try hard, unfunny jokes.

Why are autistics worse at small talk? I don't know. Occasionally I have a great conversation with someone, if they're on my wavelength or are open. Maybe it's a compatibility issue. I'm sure someone 'sciency' here will know the answer.
 
Last edited:
They're just not clicking as well with you. That's nobody's fault.

Honestly, I wouldn't hang out with people who I don't click with. If I got that impression, I'd think I was wasting their time and I'd try to find people who have more things in common with me. If somebody is acting like they feel obligated to talk to you, your spidey senses probably aren't wrong. But I'd be asking myself, "Why can't they just say so instead of pretending to be interested?"

You deserve better friends, my man.
 
Tony Ramirez said:
Nope it's them blame me I notice when they talk amongst their own kind the conversations always flow and they are different. I tried everything crapload of articles and everything else but nothing damn well works nothing nothing nothing I tried everything nothing works. All I end up getting is a damn migraine trying and I end up being more exhausted and tired afterwards.

With me they are two words interrupted people not paying attention doing stuff rude gestures excluded always end up sitting by myself.
Click to expand...

You know I said this for a reason:
Xinyta said:
Namely because it's counter to your MO (modus operandi).
Click to expand...

It's because of what you are doing right now.

It took me a long time to realize this myself. And my Uncle has brought it up plenty, about me. I use to not understand, but I see what he ment now.

You are doing things that set people off, whether you realize it or not. Then respond negatively to thier responses of leaving you out. Thinking it's all on them. When it's really you.

@Hypnalis is right. Conversation is alot of give and take. Willing to listen to others, as well as talking to them. And not beating the same personal talking points into people daily.

Thier willingness to listen to you. Comes from the willingness, on your end, to respect others as well. Personal interests to a lengthy degree and constant 'woe is me' talks, by default, cause people to disengage you. Because you are not saying anything THEY want to hear.

They are willing to be receptive, only for so long, to your issues or interests of yours. Until they can't anymore. Because it comes off as you not caring for what they had to say. Thus not respecting them.

You can look stuff up. Read how tos. But none of it will help, if the person looking for it isn't taking responsibility for themself. Which DOES involve being willing to admit you, yourself, are at fault

People do things for a reason. It can be unrelated to you, or because of you. Same with you. YOU do things for a reason, too. Nothing you do, is without a reason. Whether it's hang ups with past pain. A unwillingness to do things. A sense of pride in something you want to never be shattered. Constantly fearing this inevitability.

Before one can face the world. They must be willing to stare down the devil in thier heart, in defiance.
 
My experience with neurotypicals is that they just look for a lot of different signals than us, to manage conversations. If I look away because I want to break eye contact, this signals that I'm done talking, regardless of what I'd say. To me it's just a break in looking so I can focus better and continue my statement. Maybe some of the problem is you just have very different needs and ideas of what conversing should be like. I think we are also focused on the words first and everything after, while my experience with NTs is that it's usually the opposite.

Some people are also just selfish and have no interest in listening. They want an audience. I've dealt with many people who just want to interrupt and talk. They were people just looking for a victim or we didn't have much in common. If I have enough in common with someone, they listen and I don't have to worry about masking so much.
 
I think you've collected enough data at this new church to know it's not a good fit for you. Your field reports are telling me that it's keeping you in a shame cycle.

Going out, getting excluded, overwhelm, feelings of hopelessness, migraines, occasionally acting out, scolding from mother, posting here, repeat.

Maybe it's a trauma response to set up the conditions to be ostracised again and again, trying to understand or 'fix it'.
Or there is no purpose, it's just familiar and automatic pilot. Or it serves as confirmation of your destiny of a tragic demise.

Can you harness the shaming from the church people and your mother, to give you the power to make a positive change in your life? Instead of bottling up those powerful, destructive emotions which give you migraines and body pain? Your people are out there somewhere. I wish we could hang out!
 
Last edited:
Tony Ramirez said:
No it's not me. It's ever neurotypical person. Even my close married friend.

It seems like when I talk to them one on one for example this happens. The person is never interested. The person interrupts constantly. Is not focused and is always preoccupied doing something. But as soon as another neurotypical person comes in the conversation they are both engaged in a long over 10 minute conversation with the person paying attention not doing crap and staying focused.

Then the damn interruptions. It seems like if I am talking I am almost always interrupted by someone else then that person dominated the conversation I am sitting by myself like a jackass again.

Then if I try to engage or the person approached me I often get 2 word conversations. Or the other two things that happen.

Eventually I am always alone sitting by myself while everyone is in groups talking to people. Everytime in every social place. I am sick of it
Click to expand...
It's you. Expecting neurotypicals to not act like neurotypicals is a fools errand.
 
Tony, you will do much better with others on the spectrum. Not all NT types will talk to you. l find ND people more open and accepting of me. Also, people get tired of talking to us if we have nothing meanful to bring to a conversation. If you constantly harp on about yourself, and nothing else, people will avoid you. You need to talk about the presidential debate, the ecomony, curent affairs, trending movies, trending music categories. If people find they have nothing in common with you, they will start to lose interesrt, then outright avoid you, and you will internalize this and blame yourself, then think you have a social deficit, when you simply refuse to learn social skills, and think single woman owe you their focus, l can tell you now, l don't owe anybody my time and energy, and in the same vein, nobody owes me a conversation. l think your belief system that single woman owe you their time borders on irrational or black and white thinking, that is why alot of forum members have ** gently** suggested a therapist who will help you understand your faulty thinking, internalizing these thoughts, then thinking you are personally to blame. Please speak to a therapist about this. It's their job to guide you through this. Most forum members are not therapists, and you need professional help to conquer these pervasive thoughts of feeling socially inadequate.
 
Last edited:
I had a hard time engaging, even with my bike club. Then I noticed that I was not asking others about themselves. When I started doing that, and listening, things improved significantly.

I also learned to approach others confidently. And how you do that sets the tone for the interaction.
 
Last edited:
I recently posted this on my facebook page. Most people think I'm being funny, which is okay because I always try to be funny. I can only have good conversations with people that laugh. When It gets serious I don't know how to communicate - or that's when I end up saying the something stupid. And some people that have no sense of humor I just avoid like the plague.

Share
Why I like guinea pigs. They talk to me. They accept me into their group. (Well most of them. Lol). They are actually excited to see me. And I don't have to try, they don't think I'm weird. They don't ignore me. They don't get mad at me. (Well sometimes. Lol)
No photo description available.







1 share

Like



Comment


Share
 
Autism is vicious cycle, in the end we all dysfunctional in family,
I didn't fit in as teen, so I chatted with weird crowd much to folks horror. Although I must say it was diversity, having schitso friend can be interesting and help asd with social skills and maybe I helped with project.

Before my son was diagnosed with ADHD he did have child issues, I guess he was one tending hit other kids in dispute and breaking it up, at time thinking it was just kids. But it continue throughout life, I've watched my boys plunder in socials many times, one occassion he was following boys around, hanging on them, got a wack and finally took tip (after initial meeting, dogs in pack assess via playful methods whether you accept into pack, may take few days to decide. After that in/out. Pass/fail.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom