Purposely being ignored in social settings/Women hate me

[Tony Ramirez]

I also like to stay on one topic deeply and find it annoying how neurotypicals will keep changing the subject to something stupid on the fly every few minutes. It's dumb stupid and quite annoying. I can never keep up and end up being out of the conversation by then and it's by myself alone every time.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Also asking how you day or your week is I think is a very personal question I think no one's really asked that I think it's damn personal to ask how you dare your week is I think it's not right to ask that to anyone I don't know how neurotypical people would think that is the right thing to say I mean I don't know what to say I think that is not right anyway.

 

[Kayla55]

You know I said this for a reason:


It's because of what you are doing right now.

It took me a long time to realize this myself. And my Uncle has brought it up plenty, about me. I use to not understand, but I see what he ment now.

You are doing things that set people off, whether you realize it or not. Then respond negatively to thier responses of leaving you out. Thinking it's all on them. When it's really you.

@Hypnalis is right. Conversation is alot of give and take. Willing to listen to others, as well as talking to them. And not beating the same personal talking points into people daily.

Thier willingness to listen to you. Comes from the willingness, on your end, to respect others as well. Personal interests to a lengthy degree and constant 'woe is me' talks, by default, cause people to disengage you. Because you are not saying anything THEY want to hear.

They are willing to be receptive, only for so long, to your issues or interests of yours. Until they can't anymore. Because it comes off as you not caring for what they had to say. Thus not respecting them.

You can look stuff up. Read how tos. But none of it will help, if the person looking for it isn't taking responsibility for themself. Which DOES involve being willing to admit you, yourself, are at fault

People do things for a reason. It can be unrelated to you, or because of you. Same with you. YOU do things for a reason, too. Nothing you do, is without a reason. Whether it's hang ups with past pain. A unwillingness to do things. A sense of pride in something you want to never be shattered. Constantly fearing this inevitability.

Before one can face the world. They must be willing to stare down the devil in thier heart, in defiance.

Whenever I read your posts it takes me back into time warp, when I was younger I was so philosophical and experience of being young ASD, it's amazing how much we change as we get older!!

 

[Kayla55]

I also like to stay on one topic deeply and find it annoying how neurotypicals will keep changing the subject to something stupid on the fly every few minutes. It's dumb stupid and quite annoying. I can never keep up and end up being out of the conversation by then and it's by myself alone every time.

Ye, this is why when I decided to go social one day, out blue. I arrive, make appearance, ensure I was busy had lot to talk about, but ensured kept remarks short. I noticed people like weed so I'd get them some, mask, mask, try find out about other people's interests.
Then it was tense, get home with anxiety as if play was worse than day of work.

I kept up appearances, did shopping, dressed nice for a while until I felt welcomed to have space to stay little longer, chatting on something of intetest

 

[Aspychata]

ND people enjoy talking about special interests, hate small talk. NT people love small talk, and like keeping conversations light and fast moving.

 

[Kayla55]

Also asking how you day or your week is I think is a very personal question I think no one's really asked that I think it's damn personal to ask how you dare your week is I think it's not right to ask that to anyone I don't know how neurotypical people would think that is the right thing to say I mean I don't know what to say I think that is not right anyway.

Gestures are just part of social politeness,
When asked how day was, always say fine. Try resist temptation to eventually cut people off during small talk, or remark to how are you with I'll response on bad day.

 

[Kitsuna]

Also asking how you day or your week is I think is a very personal question I think no one's really asked that I think it's damn personal to ask how you dare your week is I think it's not right to ask that to anyone I don't know how neurotypical people would think that is the right thing to say I mean I don't know what to say I think that is not right anyway.

This is usually just conversational low-hanging fruit where people aren't trying to seriously pry. It's on the same level of being asked "how are you?" even though most people would be uncomfortable if you actually said anything deeper than "I'm good".

Like Kayla55 said, you can just say "I'm fine" if you don't want to engage. But if someone is trying to use it to start a conversation and not use it as a greeting, they are just kind of looking for a fluff story of what's going on in your life to bridge into something more interesting to talk about.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

ND people enjoy talking about special interests, hate small talk. NT people love small talk, and like keeping conversations light and fast moving.

I hate small talk I hate it with a passion I never knew what small talk was until I started socializing 5 years ago I was wondering why I sucked at it I just hate it I think it's the stupidest thing I heard in my life and I can't believe NT's like doing that it's dumbest dumbest thing ever. I thought it was alone in this until I found out it was quite a common thing with autistic people.

You know it makes mad as even worse You're not even taught this in school or anything it's unwritten rule I think it's dumb how no one teaches you how to do small talking just normally normally normally naturally know how to do it but as an autistic I'll never taught it I don't know just never taught it and these people just naturally do it and I think it's really dumb and stupid.

 

[jsilver256]

I'm deaf. I can't speak. I live in a world that's almost entirely hearing. And the few people who I CAN speak to through my hands - well, it took me forever to realize I've got a language processing issue, in both speaking and receiving.

I know what it means to be ignored.

And from my vantage point - I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to be objective. But it seems you are the least ignored person I know on this forum, both in real life and in your threads. You are constantly talking about how you are getting attention from married couples, men, etc... it is just not the attention you want, so in your eyes, it's worthless.

There is a huge difference between being unheard and not wanting to hear. I know this better than anyone.

Get a therapist.

 

[Human Avatar]

What calmed my anxiety is I stopped caring or trying to have conversations with groups of people.I have no interest in being in large groups who need to socialize. The anxiety the stress and guilt about my disconnection to people is not worth it.

what works for me may not work for you . but if pushed into a situation like that ,I am stoic and usually don’t speak unless someone speaks to me directly .my answers are short and direct . It is a protection protocol to save myself, that way I am not put in a conversation designed for me to fail. I don’t give it the chance. I don’t jump into a conversation just to talk or blab mindlessly.My opinions are really irrelevant.

Some people see me as not coherent or caring, or I have been called icy , and some other names I can’t mention.But it’s the opposite I am observing and processing. And also recording the whole conversation in my mind . I know who I am, so their words and view of me are their interpretation.

By doing this I took stopped blaming other people and I realize I am the anomaly, the outcast the one who doesn’t belong. But with my protocol I am in power of my situation. And in my opinion people talk too much in groups .
After a while all sounds like noise to me.

But I have also found by reframing my view of the situation ,people do become interested and approach me sometimes , and when that happens on occasion a wonderful one on one conversation can happen. And I can go for hours if it is interesting.

The more we lock our thoughts to negative things , the more we attract it. Re arrange the situation and perspective, realize it’s all a meaningless game for social order and tribalism ,all the fear and anxiety will wash away.I reframed my perspective and now I find it actually funny that this actually used to cause me anxiety , internally it’s actually embarrassing that I let it happen. As a child I never let it bother me , so I went backwards . It takes a lot of practice it is not easy. Intense focus is needed.I would rather wait 1 year to have a good conversation with someone and have a real connection instead of trying to fit into a group on a daily basis. realization that the search for outward acceptance was doomed to failure , I had to accept myself and use my protocol for my sanity . It’s always your choice. Just as your response to this could be a negative one, that is up to you. The power to change the perspective of your reality is all yours.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

When I go to all of these social places where I been established which believe it or not does not take long right away I am greeted by my name by multiple people saying "Hi Tony".

It's just and I told people this when I was younger I was greeted then during my 18 20s years I was never greeted no more when entering places like college and places. It just feels strange now like it's not right it's happening again.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I hate small talk I hate it with a passion I never knew what small talk was until I started socializing 5 years ago I was wondering why I sucked at it I just hate it I think it's the stupidest thing I heard in my life and I can't believe NT's like doing that it's dumbest dumbest thing ever. I thought it was alone in this until I found out it was quite a common thing with autistic people.

You know it makes mad as even worse You're not even taught this in school or anything it's unwritten rule I think it's dumb how no one teaches you how to do small talking just normally normally normally naturally know how to do it but as an autistic I'll never taught it I don't know just never taught it and these people just naturally do it and I think it's really dumb and stupid.

reminds me of a long written statement i read from someone, who gives social-skills advice, he said:

"It is really too bad, unfortunate, sad, that our schools do not teach conversation-skills, conversation-ability, human interaction ability, ability to connect with people, form relationships with others, communication-skills, or that our society doesn't place more importance on those. They are just as important as math or history or any other subject.

Hell, to me, they are much more important, thousands of times, millions of times more important, because communication is the way you climb
social-ladders
." "The better you are at conversation, interacting with people better, the easier it is to get a job, promotion, attract people to form relationships, networking with people to advance professionally, networking with people for job prospects, job interviews, and befriend people with ease".

Its a sarcastic mindset of mine, if the education system was changed in the future, i feel that subject should be mandatory for men but optional for women, probably because of men always having to be the ones to open their mouth first, and the person who has to start an interaction and lead it, needs more social-skills training than the person who answers and responds.

 

[thejuice]

What calmed my anxiety is I stopped caring or trying to have conversations with groups of people.I have no interest in being in large groups who need to socialize. The anxiety the stress and guilt about my disconnection to people is not worth it.

what works for me may not work for you . but if pushed into a situation like that ,I am stoic and usually don’t speak unless someone speaks to me directly .my answers are short and direct . It is a protection protocol to save myself, that way I am not put in a conversation designed for me to fail. I don’t give it the chance. I don’t jump into a conversation just to talk or blab mindlessly.My opinions are really irrelevant.

Some people see me as not coherent or caring, or I have been called icy , and some other names I can’t mention.But it’s the opposite I am observing and processing. And also recording the whole conversation in my mind . I know who I am, so their words and view of me are their interpretation.

By doing this I took stopped blaming other people and I realize I am the anomaly, the outcast the one who doesn’t belong. But with my protocol I am in power of my situation. And in my opinion people talk too much in groups .
After a while all sounds like noise to me.

But I have also found by reframing my view of the situation ,people do become interested and approach me sometimes , and when that happens on occasion a wonderful one on one conversation can happen. And I can go for hours if it is interesting.

The more we lock our thoughts to negative things , the more we attract it. Re arrange the situation and perspective, realize it’s all a meaningless game for social order and tribalism ,all the fear and anxiety will wash away.I reframed my perspective and now I find it actually funny that this actually used to cause me anxiety , internally it’s actually embarrassing that I let it happen. As a child I never let it bother me , so I went backwards . It takes a lot of practice it is not easy. Intense focus is needed.I would rather wait 1 year to have a good conversation with someone and have a real connection instead of trying to fit into a group on a daily basis. realization that the search for outward acceptance was doomed to failure , I had to accept myself and use my protocol for my sanity . It’s always your choice. Just as your response to this could be a negative one, that is up to you. The power to change the perspective of your reality is all yours.

That's an interesting thought, the difference between the self-conception of 'you' in your mind and the idea of 'you' in other people's minds. Both have flaws. We can't see how we appear to others. Others can only create a duplicate of us in their imagination.

 

[Human Avatar]

@thejuice

Absolutely, our reality perception of ourselves may look completely different from another person. And each duplicate can have multiple variations .

 

[thejuice]

@thejuice

Absolutely, our reality perception of ourselves may look completely different from another person. And each duplicate can have multiple variations .

And then when your story is told to other people, the idea of you degrades in a similar way to a piece of media breaking down each time it is downloaded or copied.

 

[thejuice]

When I go to all of these social places where I been established which believe it or not does not take long right away I am greeted by my name by multiple people saying "Hi Tony".

It's just and I told people this when I was younger I was greeted then during my 18 20s years I was never greeted no more when entering places like college and places. It just feels strange now like it's not right it's happening again.

The transition from the bubble of school to a big college or university where you are more anonymous is a shock. Then the adult world where you can easily become a nobody

 

[thejuice]

it’s all a meaningless game for social order and tribalism

In very recent modern society, it's the first time you can just opt out of the game, avoiding it all together, without suffering too much. In some ways it's a relief to escape, on the other hand avoidance can make anxiety worse. It seems like you have settled on being around people but not being 'of them'. Well, that's what I do.

 

[Human Avatar]

And then when your story is told to other people, the idea of you degrades in the way that it does each time a piece of media is downloaded or copied.

good point , and maybe one could think of our internal perception of ourselves as a real electrical wave , then once that is projected out of us it is like a real sound wave being pressed on a vinyl record , it has now degraded a bit but the source is pressed on the record as a representation of the wave , next one could think as the projection of the wave now is filtered to another person and now it as downgraded to a horrible mp3 . Much is lost on the transfer of data , as that data is multiplied to different people, it keeps downgrading.

 

[Human Avatar]

In very recent modern society, it's the first time you can just opt out of the game, avoiding it all together, without suffering too much. In some ways it's a relief to escape, on the other hand avoidance can make anxiety worse. It seems like you have settled on being around people but not being 'of them'. Well, that's what I do.

I agree much easier now , and a bonus is you won’t be burned at the stake or thrown into the psychiatric ward, well hopefully not I should say. I don’t think of it as much as an escape or avoidance ,I think of it as a survival technique for myself . Just as they are using social hierarchies and tribalism as a way to survive,but is not needed so much in modern society , but is encoded in our DNA to survive as a species on earth . Well maybe that DNA gene is not active in me .

 

[thejuice]

good point , and maybe one could think of our internal perception of ourselves as a real electrical wave , then once that is projected out of us it is like a real sound wave being pressed on a vinyl record , it has now degraded a bit but the source is pressed on the record as a representation of the wave , next one could think as the projection of the wave now is filtered to another person and now it as downgraded to a horrible mp3 . Much is lost on the transfer of data , as that data is multiplied to different people, it keeps downgrading.

Electrical waves, I like that. Then other people are like the recording studio with all the inherent flaws that it has. It will only capture 'a version' of the band and not the real live experience.

Sometimes the technology is too unsophisticated to capture the nuance of the source material adequately. For example early jazz recordings.

So it's a misrepresentation, and we are misinterpreted as stupid by neurotypicals. They can only judge us within the limitations of their own incompatible and imperfect hardware.