Reasons why I can’t let go of wanting a relationship

[Markness]

1) The isolation I have to go through long periods of time is often unbearable and I can’t share any experiences. I feel like I am missing out and that my past has defined how I will be for the remainder of my life.

2) People outside my immediate and extended families who have known me for decades knew I didn’t have a girlfriend in my teens and I still have nothing to show for my efforts when I encounter them now.

3) My siblings are all married and have their own families. The family group text on my phone messages is constantly showing photos and even videos of what they are getting to do. I wish I could post similar things but I can’t.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Never compare yourself to anybody. What have you been doing to improve yourself, practice social skills, and learn to recognize somebody you may have a chance of a relationship with? We are behind the 8 ball when it comes to all that, but some here have persevered to succeed in a relationship. It takes a lot of work a lot of communication and much compromise, and to succeed at that requires a willingness to embrace change. If what you are doing isn't working, what next? The world is not going to gift you a relationship.

 

[Xinyta]

1) The isolation I have to go through long periods of time is often unbearable and I can’t share any experiences. I feel like I am missing out and that my past has defined how I will be for the remainder of my life.

There is your first problem. Believing you 'have to' be isolated. You don't have to do anything, you don't want to do.

Secondly. You are really not missing out on much of anything. I see you posting about things you have been doing. That alone is proof of the opposite. And the mindset of 'missing out' is a common folly for anyone, for any reason.

Your past has zero barring on anything. Only you define if your past as having any significance on the present or future. No one else imposes that on you.

2) People outside my immediate and extended families who have known me for decades knew I didn’t have a girlfriend in my teens and I still have nothing to show for my efforts when I encounter them now.

So what? No one is going to judge you for living as you do. Only you do that to yourself.

3) My siblings are all married and have their own families. The family group text on my phone messages is constantly showing photos and even videos of what they are getting to do. I wish I could post similar things but I can’t.

They have thier own lives. You have your's. Comparing yourself to other's, is only going to lead to turmoil. Envy is a monster of problem.

No amount complaining and wishing will cause any of what you want to happen.

 

[Misery]

2) People outside my immediate and extended families who have known me for decades knew I didn’t have a girlfriend in my teens and I still have nothing to show for my efforts when I encounter them now.

3) My siblings are all married and have their own families. The family group text on my phone messages is constantly showing photos and even videos of what they are getting to do. I wish I could post similar things but I can’t.

I've said this sorta thing probably like 50 times before, but I'm going to say it again:

You dont need to drop the idea of wanting a relationship.

What you DO need to drop is the idea of wanting one *to prove others wrong*.

If you go into all this with that as a major driving force, well, if you do manage to find someone... chances are the relationship is doomed from the start.

Until you can drop this obsession with what others think of you or that idea of "detractors", you arent going to get anywhere.

Relationships arent about showing others how wrong they are. They arent about proving a point, or being like "Hah, that'll teach those guys from before".

Relationships are about finding and being with the right person, while also BEING the right person for that partner.

And of course, taking actual steps towards that. Which I cant emphasize enough.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. Obviously, we are all social creatures, some more than others. I generally like to be in the company of other people, even if I am not engaged in conversation, or even if I am sitting off to the side. I know I have "a condition" that doesn't allow me to engage in group conversation with any level of skill, but at this point in my life, I am content with "just being there".
2. I generally do not experience much in the way of interpersonal bonding. I have been married since 1987, and everyday, I must reach out to her and let her know how much I appreciate and love her. I am not a conversationalist. I don't know how to be romantic. I don't have "the words" that make her swoon. I express my love for her with physical touch (hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling on the couch and in bed, etc.) I also support her self-esteem, giving her those encouraging pushes to do whatever she desires, and when she is feeling low physically or mentally, I try to pick her up and be empathetic. I talk her up even if she is not around. I give her respect.
3. I caught her attention from a distance when we were 18 year old kids. I was young, trim, fit, and handsome. I was an athlete, 7% body fat and 200lbs of ripped muscle. When you're young, that's what attracts young women to look. As one might say, "I had some bait on the hook." Now, this comes off as quite superficial, and it is, but here is the reality. Most people, when looking for a potential mate, are looking for signs of health and vitality. This is primal behavior engrained in our DNA. If you are projecting a body that has signs of unhealthiness, then you're going to have a much more difficult time attracting anyone's attention. Fewer potential mates are going to want to meet you. The bottom line is that you may be an absolutely wonderful person on the inside, but if what others are seeing from the outside is not what they want, then you may never meet.
4. The second hurdle is after you meet someone. They might want to find out if you have enough cash flow to support them, perhaps children, live a certain lifestyle, etc. Money does not make people happy, per se, but it certainly makes life a lot easier if you're not worrying about it all the time. They might want to find out what kind of person you are. Insecure and anxious = no. Controlling = no. A psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist = no. Just drifting through life without a plan = no. A "negative Nancy" = no. Expressing positivity = yes. Altruistic = yes. An "outward" thinker = yes. Future goals and aspirations = yes. So on and so forth.

If currently, you are not in a position to "check all the boxes" and raise your status, then you're going to struggle with even meeting one person, let alone several that you can choose from. All that is on you. This idea that someone should just accept you the way you are is an absolute folly. Put some bait on the hook and go fishing.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I understand @Markness exactly what you are going through. My lastest cousin just got married last summer and I refused to go to his wedding even though my parents bugged me and would not shut up.

2024 was a brutal year for me. I tried so hard not only for a relationship but even a simple single female friend to hang out with and failed hard that it gave me a mental meltdowns and breakdowns.

 

[Misery]

If you are projecting a body that has signs of unhealthiness, then you're going to have a much more difficult time attracting anyone's attention.

I'd like to add to this a bit:

It's not just about like, muscle and fitness and whatnot.

There's also the matter of the impression you give off, the emotional vibes you project.

@Markness, I've said this before, but when you go around with that "woe is me" attitude, people can spot it easily... particularly NTs. It hangs over you like a cloud, and that sort of thing tends to be really obvious IRL, more than you might think. It's the same thing when you're sitting around blaming others for issues you dont want to face up to... that makes the same unhealthy cloud. Right now, you do both of those things.

Physical health is nice and all, but mental and emotional health is just as important, and I tell ya, this habit of yours of metaphorically punching yourself in the face over and over is not exactly healthy to do.

Keeping up one's health isnt easy. Physical AND mental, not easy. There's no magic trick. You either get the heck up and DO something (and KEEP doing it, even if it's hard), or this will not improve and that cloud will just keep clinging to you.

And a good step to take is to change your approach. Drop the whole "prove it" thing, drop the "detractors" nonsense, and FOCUS. I know it's hard to do, established habits arent easy to break. But I tell ya, everyone who goes after & gets into relationships will have big challenges they must face. It's not unique to you. You arent alone in having to climb that rough hill.

 

[Judge]

From my own perspective, the secret to attraction is that there is no secret. That it is a highly individualized thing, not to be confused with entertainment, cosmetic and marketing industries that claim what attraction is all about. For them it's all about income and equity- not aesthetics.

It can be over all kinds of things, even independent of appearance altogether. That it's more important in terms of who and what you are than how you look.

I never thought of myself as attractive either. But have had a handful of experiences over time that clearly allow me to understand that appearance had little or nothing to do with my relationships with NT women.

And above all, to accept that it doesn't take a union with another person to "complete" you.

 

[VictorR]

To add to the thoughts already shared by others here...

1) The isolation I have to go through long periods of time is often unbearable and I can’t share any experiences. I feel like I am missing out and that my past has defined how I will be for the remainder of my life.

Is this very post itself not a form of sharing?

Sharing comes in many forms. Yes, people share with partners, but they also share with family, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, pets, etc.

I want you to consider this: Do you see the folks on the forum here as people you share with, as actual people on similar journeys who can relate with your experiences and commiserate? If so, you are connecting. And yes, folks are listening even if they're not necessarily responding.

2) People outside my immediate and extended families who have known me for decades knew I didn’t have a girlfriend in my teens and I still have nothing to show for my efforts when I encounter them now.

One of the things I love the most is seeing confidence as expressed in smiles and laughter when someone is doing or talking about something they enjoy.

What do you enjoy? What makes you happy? Focus on those, and you will have something to show - confidence and joy. And that's something that will please you and others.

3) My siblings are all married and have their own families. The family group text on my phone messages is constantly showing photos and even videos of what they are getting to do. I wish I could post similar things but I can’t.

What is stopping you from sharing photos and videos of what you are getting to do?
Hint: It's not the lack of a spouse and/or children.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My youngest brother threw in the towel, in getting in a relationship years ago Good looking guy, traveled the world,
employer paid his expenses, lived like the natives pocketed never used his pay check. Blamed the lack of relationship on his extensive traveling constantly complained about how he lived, quit his job joined air force, traveled the world again, places tourist do not go, far north military base, day later middle east as he says negative 20 to plus 20 in 24 hours. Regales his nieces and nephews with stories. Suspects by self diagnosis he has ADHD. Now retired, observed him my whole life being ten years older, He has aways been his own worse enemy, decisions he has made.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Here is an example of how he thinks, we have two highways up here 401 and 407 which is toll if he takes 401 to visit us takes him 3 hours due to traffic, pay toll, $50, on 407 only 1 and a quarter hours light traffic. I stopped debating him, your choice your consequences. Visit him, not enough cups for sharing to even offer coffee. Why would any woman want to have relationship with him. My life and his are completely opposite he Is a pessimist, I due to not knowing I was on the spectrum have always been a optimist. He did not know of my past learning to walk twice
too young when it happened first time. He just does not see opportunity when it knocks on the door. Graduated college, like me took crappy job. moved back in with parents. Next employer found him via college as they wanted grad, who was familiar with rural areas fixing phone systems. After years ended up fixing phone systems in third world countries.

 

[tree]

@Markness
I strongly recommend that you
continue reading A Guide to Rational Living
and applying the concepts toward your
thoughts and actions.

 

[Gerontius]

Hey, from personal experience a relationship is not always helpful.

I dated, fell in love with, proposed to, and nearly married an autistic lady and at the end of our two-year relationship she was throwing a conniption fit fueled by political and other worries. I'm not one to be yelling for pity and victimhood, and think sympathy is found in Websters between scat and syphilis, but family members and other community folks thought it was turning abusive. Photographs taken later on show me looking cadaverous in her company and I certainly feel better now that we are not talking to each other anymore.

It became a long slow process of attrition. I don't know if she actually cared about me as a person, because she was very good at turning the questions and concerns about life back around to how she felt about things.

This gives me free reign to be the jolly bachelor uncle of the family while my kid brother and his wife are probably going to be the ones who have kids.

Now I can enjoy my weird life without being shamed for it.

 

[thejuice]

I'm not sure what your life looks like but If you have a relationship when your life is not in order, you will then have the same life, but now with someone resentful towards you for not having your life together. If that happened it would make you feel guilty and useless. It could be codependent. I'm not saying it will, but you'd be happier single if any of that potentially happens.