Reasons why I can’t let go of wanting a relationship

[Markness]

I worry that I will turn 40 and still be single.

 

[Xinyta]

Why? What are you truly afraid of?

 

[Markness]

Why? What are you truly afraid of?

Not escaping the vicious cycle I’ve been caught in since 2006. Someone back then even warned me I would get caught in one.

I was actually expected to succeed because my parents are doctors and my siblings were always making social waves.

 

[Xinyta]

Not escaping the vicious cycle I’ve been caught in since 2006. Someone back then even warned me I would get caught in one.

You misunderstand the question. It's not what you think it is. Though this statement is part of a bigger issue.

That question is something to deeply self-reflect on. What is it you truly fear?

I was actually expected to succeed because my parents are doctors and my siblings were always making social waves.

Is this solely their doing? Are they actively using it against you? Or is it something else?

 

[Markness]

You misunderstand the question. It's not what you think it is. Though this statement is part of a bigger issue.

That question is something to deeply self-reflect on. What is it you truly fear?



Is this solely their doing? Are they actively using it against you? Or is it something else?

I might be considered “too old” or even “strange” if I turn 40 before having a partner before then. Even in my late 20’s, I got derided for still wanting to date.

It’s both my parents, my stepfather, and people they associate with who think like them. There are also social stigmas against men who still live with their parents, work only part-time, and don’t have college degrees or a trade certification.

 

[Xinyta]

I might be considered “too old” or even “strange” if I turn 40 before having a partner before then. Even in my late 20’s, I got derided for still wanting to date.

What do you think? Are you 'too old' or 'strange'?

The opinions of others are just that. Opinions. Do they live your life? Do they stick to you in your day by day? No. So thier veiws and thoughts are irrelevant to you. Each person has a right to do as they will, within the law of course.

It’s both my parents, my stepfather, and people they associate with who think like them. There are also social stigmas against men who still live with their parents, work only part-time, and don’t have college degrees or a trade certification.

What your parents do and who they hang out with should have no barring on you. Allowing them to affect you with thier opinions, is only going to keep making it worse.

What degrees you get. What jobs you have. Where you live. It's all relative. Degrees are not a measure of intelligence. Just pieces of paper saying you graduated in a school of psychology, medical, or otherwise. Heck. There are people who have dropped out of high school who end up successful. It's not about how much knowledge you collect. It about life experiences. It's about the small things.

I've seen you post things you've done. Places you been to. Concerts you've attended. People you've met. You are doing far more than me.

The key to finding joy, is to not seek it. Allow it to find you. Allow it to fill you through your life experiences and the choices you make.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I've seen you post things you've done. Places you been to. Concerts you've attended. People you've met. You are doing far more than me.

Stop doing or cut it back drastically. It will eventually put you in the nut house. Trust me from experience.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

couples of a certain age bracket, HS and College Age Couples, fill me with anger and resentment the most, because its a reminder that, not everybody gets to date or have relationships young in their youth

 

[Aspychata]

Read all the posts here. There is a wide variety of excellent answers here. Some from those who finally found partners, and some of those who decided being with someone wasn't worth it. So even if you did find such a relationship, you have zero guarantee that it will work out. l can say l have left or have been dumped because l wasn't emotionally mature, or they weren't, or we both weren't. But l also learned a lot, suffered heartbreak, and waddled on. So perhaps accept just to keep making friends, because friends keep us moving forward and help out when life just sucks. Try focusing on having a part-time job, having parents that share their house with you, having relatives who have a good life. These days l see so many people struggling. l have seen couples having to sell their home because they can't fix hurricane damage. My friend in LA, their son graduated from a prestigious uni, 2019, and only recently in 2025, landed a part-time decent job, (smart likeable young adult). So just keep putting yourself out there, trying talking to other women, and remember, everybody struggles with jobs, relationships, friends, parents.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

So even if you did find such a relationship, you have zero guarantee that it will work out.

Sick of death of hearing that excuse, too. Many of my friends in relationships are happier and no don't say they are not. It is certain a hell of a lot better being single and better than living with a psycho family who puts you down verbally.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Sick of death of hearing that excuse, too. Many of my friends in relationships are happier and no don't say they are not. It is certain a hell of a lot better being single and better than living with a psycho family who puts you down verbally.

reminds me of a comment i read years ago that really angered me, it was in response to another guy who was angry and upset over the cards he was dealt with for being born male, he was angry and upset on how its more common for men than for women to end up forever alone, chronically single, or a virgin later than normal, and one of the users got on his case by telling him "get over the comparison, and then he says "what are you gonna do, try to become President and enact a law that women have to approach men?".

Gosh that really angered me.

 

[Aspychata]

Have you been able to discuss this emotional abuse of constant berating of you and your abilities with a therapist? That definitely is a struggle to have to deal with daily. l had this exact issue with my father and brother. It was very hard to work thru, and l still hate thinking about it.

 

[velociraptor]

and better than living with a psycho family who puts you down verbally

Man, just get out of there.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Sick of death of hearing that excuse, too. Many of my friends in relationships are happier and no don't say they are not. It is certain a hell of a lot better being single and better than living with a psycho family who puts you down verbally.

Tony, has your family always been abusive towards you, is it not just a recent thing, have they been that way with you for 20 years or longer?

 

[Markness]

Have you been able to discuss this emotional abuse of constant berating of you and your abilities with a therapist? That definitely is a struggle to have to deal with daily. l had this exact issue with my father and brother. It was very hard to work thru, and l still hate thinking about it.

I have and it’s also a generational issue because my parents were emotionally abused by my grandparents as well.

 

[Aspychata]

My father was enmeshed in the same generational abuse.His family was dysfunctional. I chose to break that pattern.

 

[Markness]

My father was enmeshed in the same generational abuse.His family was dysfunctional. I chose to break that pattern.

I want to break the pattern. The setbacks I keep getting just really discourage me. The social isolation makes it worse.

 

[Judge]

I want to break the pattern. The setbacks I keep getting just really discourage me. The social isolation makes it worse.

This is when you have to choose to view "setbacks" as little more than "practice".

No differently than seeking a job. But yes, always easier said than done.

 

[Markness]

You’d think my siblings would introduce me to potential relationships because they are socially savvy but they don’t. In fact, they think it’s my own fault I am socially isolated.

 

[Masked Man]

You're a grown man. Your siblings have their own lives to worry about.

You have chosen to remain stagnant. You have had literally years to pursue and obtain your own independence and move out of your mother's house, but you still haven't done it.

I suppose in your eyes that's also their fault.

It's a shame you've wasted so much time trying to find ways to blame everyone rather than working towards a productive goal for yourself.