Romance, Relationships and Autism - A Speculation

[Aryana]

Can you @Judge imagine how hard it is to convince a completely ND man you love him? When he has zero concept of that? I feel like l am out in the snow, standing on the cellar doors looking in trying to get his attention thru the windows. Oh boy, Mt Fuji looks easier to scale. The struggle is real. And l gave up.

I feel your pain. I am in love with an ND man. I'm going through that right now and not sure how to tell him or convince him that I love him. And questioning how he feels about me. It is definitely very hard for this NT woman to try to progress this relationship sometimes I get to the point I just want to give up!!

 

[Shamar]

"The games people play." <sigh> Another reason why I rejected dating rituals. Establishing an important and intimate relationship with someone should not include any games or deceptions of any kind. Yet it's as if our culture expects this- even encourages this of us.

Scott Adams (Dilbert) put it very well, "Pretend to be someone else until she loves you for who you are." Apparently, NTs also mask.

 

[Judge]

Scott Adams (Dilbert) put it very well, "Pretend to be someone else until she loves you for who you are." Apparently, NTs also mask.

Good point.

With so many rituals and forms of deception, dating itself can amount to an aggressive form of masking.

It may amount to a means to an end for some, but such means may put an end to a relationship for others. I mask for self-preservation, not to secure a close, intimate relationship with others.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Reminds me of a video on tiktok that I was very moved by and that video was oddly enough made by a woman

 

[Aspychata]

@Judge this a lively post. It's covering a lot of different aspects on many different levels. Those strange little symbiotic quirks exclusive to just the whole unknown language of dating.

 

[AO1501]

I feel your pain. I am in love with an ND man. I'm going through that right now and not sure how to tell him or convince him that I love him. And questioning how he feels about me. It is definitely very hard for this NT woman to try to progress this relationship sometimes I get to the point I just want to give up!!

In one sense this is very easy to deal with, because as an NT woman, you (almost certainly) have the mental skills to imagine what life would be without your ND man in it. So, regardless of the struggle it is at times, put yourself into that situation. He's gone, no longer there, not part of your life, not a person to look forward to seeing, but one that exists only in your memory.

How does that feel? Is it easier like that? Does that future without any of the questions and doubts (and self-doubts too) feel like it would be better for you than the future with your ND guy in it?

Nobody but you can know the answer to that, but that's the only way to guide yourself to the choice that's the best for you make.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Reminds me of a scene from a movie called The Benchwarmers

 

[Dagan]

I let myself think about this area of life again, in depth, and here's my conclusion:

I work hard. I provide well. I would have probably survived well in any time period because I don't choose wants before needs. No matter my instinctual strengths to survive, though, I don't have the aggressive nature to hunt a mate. I never have. I have been fortunate that my other traits stood out enough to attract suitors. The problem is that such suitors have all been after my ethical traits because they desired me being who would fix their lacking or want to fix things themselves. The evidence is in the laundry list of countless things that I would be told that I didn't do well enough or at all for them when it came time that I had enough and called it quits. Practically all of said things were material, superficial, financial debts (not of my creation at all), etc. Never once have I been told that I didn't take care of necessities or feed / clothe enough or cover insurance / health matters or provide suitable housing or vehicles. It's always just been a list of extra desires that I didn't lavish upon a gal or that I didn't try hard enough to become wealthier and such. In short, I haven't once truly had a partner that made my life better or easier...only different and with another set of complications to remedy.

 

[Judge]

I let myself think about this area of life again, in depth, and here's my conclusion:

I work hard. I provide well. I would have probably survived well in any time period because I don't choose wants before needs. No matter my instinctual strengths to survive, though, I don't have the aggressive nature to hunt a mate. I never have. I have been fortunate that my other traits stood out enough to attract suitors. The problem is that such suitors have all been after my ethical traits because they desired me being who would fix their lacking or want to fix things themselves. The evidence is in the laundry list of countless things that I would be told that I didn't do well enough or at all for them when it came time that I had enough and called it quits. Practically all of said things were material, superficial, financial debts (not of my creation at all), etc. Never once have I been told that I didn't take care of necessities or feed / clothe enough or cover insurance / health matters or provide suitable housing or vehicles. It's always just been a list of extra desires that I didn't lavish upon a gal or that I didn't try hard enough to become wealthier and such. In short, I haven't once truly had a partner that made my life better or easier...only different and with another set of complications to remedy.

A pragmatist, first and foremost. Food for thought for those so fixated on finding a mate.