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Saddened by a website I was reading

GeoGuy said:
Hi all. I feel terrible after reading articles and blogs on a website which describe the experiences of wives of Asperger's men.

I could hardly believe what I was reading. It was hard to endure. Now, I feel like some kind of monster because I am not sure whether I have ever treated people, especially women, this way.

I am not married, but reading stuff like this makes me feel really guilty for wanting to ever get married.

The website states that Aspie men (like me) are akin to psychopaths and narcissists, and have the same effect in a relationship. They say being married to an Aspie man is like being ignored, invalidated all the time, abused, and their life destroyed. They say Aspie men never give them attention and always blame the wife for everything, and last but not least - are totally incapable of loving her.

I almost cried reading that last part. I mean, I believe that I can love a special girl in my life very much, and I want to treat her so well and do everything for her, hold her, comfort her, love her so very much. I had a girlfriend before and was extremely in love with her.

But, is this what people really think of men like me? How can I ever prove that I would never hurt someone that way?

They explicitly say that a woman should never ever get involved with an Aspie man. Why do I deserve to be alone, just because of my condition?
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I have read/heard a great deal about what Aspies cannot do, but very little about what they can do. From your post you seem to be a very loving, caring person, and so, rather embrace all of what that brings rather than what someone else reports.

This involves typical stereotyping, typecasting, but ignores individual personality, temperament and character. It is terribly sad that do-called educated people will still do this when it has been clear for over a hundred years that each one of us is a complex being and we do not behave linearly, and so it is almost impossible to classify individuals according to predetermined characteristics.

It may seem cliched, but simply embrace your own positives, live out your own personality and openly work on your negatives. If someone deliberately behaves in the ways that this writer has outlined, then there is something else going on there, and cannot just be pinned on one classification. Also, did the wife not know there was something amiss before marrying - if these men were so bad, how was it possible to hide this before marriage, or was a blind eye turned to the behaviour if it was displayed?
 
The problem comes with putting people in boxes.

As soon as you look at a group of people categorised you have dehumanised them.

It's not that Aspies/Muslims/Christians /blacks/whites did these bad things, it's just bad people doing bad things who happen to belong to a group.
 
Good grief. Here we now have Aspies degrading and generalizing about NTs who seek support for their NT feelings about their marriages to Aspies, while bitterly complaining about NTs' degradation and generalizations about Aspies. Gee, what is wrong with that picture?! Two wrongs don't make a right.

You can find anything under the sun on the internet. Stay away from websites that you don't agree with - or respectfully join in those websites to present your conflicting views.

There is a website run by a well known autistic activist who is so hateful and demeaning toward NTs, that even autistics occasionally take her to task for her "mindblind" views. She blocks comments on that site that merely question or, God forbid, criticize her self-absorbed and misguided opinions. Sadly, she is of sufficient social prominence that her nasty opinions about NTs and various therapies proven to help autistics, can mislead parents struggling to understand and help their ASD children live better lives. I no longer visit her site - it makes me too angry and sad.
 
Yeah, domestic violence is far more of a gendered problem than it is a neuroatypical against neurotypical problem. And to answer your question, Mia, the reason a lot of people, particularly women, get stuck in abusive relationships is because abusers are manipulative and conniving.

They start out slow, being often sweet and kind at first, but slowly reveal themselves. They play mind games and convince their victims that every bad thing they do to them is their victims fault. then they often manipulate or coerce them into cutting off friend and family so they have no social safety net. or they might straight up lie to friends and family about the victim.

By the time it escalates to physical abuse the abuser will have broken the victim down so much that they'll think they deserve it. Or heck, many times victims try to leave those relationships but because our society enables domestic abuse, they get stuck again. Such as police refusing to protect people with restraining orders or friends and family guilt tripping the victim about leaving her abuser.

These blogs are incredibly hateful, but that doesn't mean we need to minimize or justify abuse.
 
granolaturtle said:
Yeah, domestic violence is far more of a gendered problem than it is a neuroatypical against neurotypical problem. And to answer your question, Mia, the reason a lot of people, particularly women, get stuck in abusive relationships is because abusers are manipulative and conniving.

They start out slow, being often sweet and kind at first, but slowly reveal themselves. They play mind games and convince their victims that every bad thing they do to them is their victims fault. then they often manipulate or coerce them into cutting off friend and family so they have no social safety net. or they might straight up lie to friends and family about the victim.

By the time it escalates to physical abuse the abuser will have broken the victim down so much that they'll think they deserve it. Or heck, many times victims try to leave those relationships but because our society enables domestic abuse, they get stuck again. Such as police refusing to protect people with restraining orders or friends and family guilt tripping the victim about leaving her abuser.

These blogs are incredibly hateful, but that doesn't mean we need to minimize or justify abuse.
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But that too is also not entirely true. It is not a gendered problem either.

The whole thing you describe from the second paragraph sounds like classic sociopath/narcissist to me - playing the mind games, isolating the partner, making them dependent as it were, the lying, the deception. That has nothing to do with being a man or being an Aspie. That is coincidental.

My problem is with this website specifically saying it is because "he is an Aspie". What does that have to do with it? This person clearly has more issues than just being an Aspie.
 
And I think there are many intelligent psychopaths out there being misdiagnosed as Aspies. I mean, it must be easy to fake. If they can fake being nice and normal, they can fake being an Aspie too.
 
GeoGuy said:
But that too is also not entirely true. It is not a gendered problem either.

The whole thing you describe from the second paragraph sounds like classic sociopath/narcissist to me - playing the mind games, isolating the partner, making them dependent as it were, the lying, the deception. That has nothing to do with being a man or being an Aspie. That is coincidental.

My problem is with this website specifically saying it is because "he is an Aspie". What does that have to do with it? This person clearly has more issues than just being an Aspie.
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Women experience abuse at far more frequent rates than men. Women also receive more prison time for murdering abusive male partners than abusive men receive for murdering their female partners, on average.

Men can also be abused and sexually assaulted but this is often and disproportionately done by other men.
 
GeoGuy said:
And I think there are many intelligent psychopaths out there being misdiagnosed as Aspies. I mean, it must be easy to fake. If they can fake being nice and normal, they can fake being an Aspie too.
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and frankly, abuse doesn't even have anything at all to do with personality disorders. we have a society that encourages and rewards this kind of behavior.
 
Women can abuse men non-physically. I had a female "friend" who used to get money out of me, after first softening me up. Then not to mention those that get kicks out of hurting men emotionally.

It's just because men are more physically imposing than women. If it were the other way around, I'm sure it would be the men who get beaten up.
 
GeoGuy said:
Women can abuse men non-physically. I had a female "friend" who used to get money out of me, after first softening me up. Then not to mention those that get kicks out of hurting men emotionally.
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Oh great another anecdote that destroys years of research and work by anti domestic violence agencies. And mooching money off of someone isn't abuse, even if it's a jerk behavior. Now, if you were in a relationship with her and she took all of your earnings from you so that you had no choice but to be dependent on her, that'd be abuse.
 
granolaturtle said:
the reason a lot of people, particularly women, get stuck in abusive relationships is because abusers are manipulative and conniving.
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There are a lot of men stuck in relationships like this too. The abuse is non-physical, it's mental and emotional. Constant emasculation is one way.
 
GeoGuy said:
Women can abuse men non-physically. I had a female "friend" who used to get money out of me, after first softening me up. Then not to mention those that get kicks out of hurting men emotionally.

It's just because men are more physically imposing than women. If it were the other way around, I'm sure it would be the men who get beaten up.
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and also, it's not just men being more physically imposing. we have a society that values the emotions and experiences of men more than women. Physical abusers are almost always emotional abusers as well. that's how it escalates to physical abuse in the first place.
 
GeoGuy said:
You're joking, right?
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It isnt. If my friend is always asking me for five dollars, I'd be irritated, but being irritated by someone isn't abuse.

and you seem to be deliberately ignoring many of my other points, particularly the ones that are based on actual research and concrete evidence.
 
GeoGuy said:
Yes, I can tell, by all the television and media material only consisting of 95% of women's opinions about stuff.
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That's such a ridiculous assertion I'm not even dignifying it with a response.

You're clearly being incredibly dishonest to justify your persecution complex. and it's pathetic and gross. you should be ashamed.
 
And clearly I deserve the abuse I suffer because of me being a man and all...

I'm very sorry if you suffered abuse or whatever in some relationship with a man in the past, but I am not to blame for it and part and parcel of the problem just because I am a man. That I am not willing to accept. You are clearly generalizing and stereotyping.
 
granolaturtle said:
That's such a ridiculous assertion I'm not even dignifying it with a response.

You're clearly being incredibly dishonest to justify your persecution complex. and it's pathetic and gross. you should be ashamed.
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That doesn't hurt me one bit. I just smile. :) I've dealt with this kind of abuse before.

LOL :D
 
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