This dynamic inevitably forces many of us to hide who we are to survive on a daily basis without living a life of emotional misery. That moral honesty you speak of often comes at a severe price for us in the form of failed friendships and relationships. Usually based on two out of three considerations of Neurotypicals:
1) Those who want to understand and succeed doing so.
2) Those who try, but fail given the complexity of our neurology.
3) Those who are indifferent to understanding us, who default to expecting and demanding that it is we who must conform to their way of thinking. Even if and when it's not possible in whole or in part.
It isn't shame that drives this. It's survival in your social order. Even if and when it may involve our closest and most critical relationships. Made worse by a society that covets the very concept of majority rule. A concept that fundamentally fails to consider the impact of neurodiversity for a distinct social minority.
Well said. I can truthfully say that I only pursued three of my romantic interests, one which led to her not being interested, the other two just weren't going to work for various reasons. Easy to get through those, but it was confusing all the same.
The two individuals that I did have relationships with did most if not all the pursuing. I made myself available, and things moved along mainly on their terms. One, my first marriage, she had some learning disabilities and she was able and willing to go along with my quirks and oddities, it was part of my allure, I suppose. We always got along well, enjoyed each others company and continued to reconnect and care about each other after we split. I believe that fell withing the first two considerations.
My current relationship is harder to grasp. There are definitely components of One and Two, but there have been considerable periods of number Three, and it largely stems from her frustration that I cannot be the kind of man she hoped I would be, and that we would have the kind of life she hoped we would have together.
I have struggled mightily to work towards those goals, in life and in our relationship, but either I am unable to maintain and persevere, I focus on one area, then several other areas suffer, or I really do not understand what it is we are trying to achieve or HOW we are going to achieve it.
I know it sounds dense, and I don't wish it to sound dismissive, but I simply do not understand, on a deep level, what motivates people to do what they do. I can understand on an intellectual level, of course; having a nice house, taking vacations, having lots of friends and family would be nice, but how do you juggle all that? how does it just seem to go hand in hand with all the other things?
I know what motivates me to do the things that interest me. It is purely the interest of exploration, observation, and feeling like I understand some profound yet basic principles of physical reality, the universe. For the most part, they have proven to have little or no value socially or monetarily, except for a few marketable skills and knowledge I have developed.
I once was very interested in social and psychological issues, but feel there are simply too many variables, and no discernible underlining principles, only culturally developed constructs and all the myriad of variables resulting from each individual having such varying life experiences. I have since compartmentalized my interest in social/psychological issues to the anecdotal, ie. hearing peoples stories, experiences, views. From there, I can see some similarities from one person to another, where there can be some goodwill formed from common experience and understanding.
I will not even try to "evaluate and diagnose" anyone due to the story they tell, and that is what I see happening in this sort of discussion, and on those websites that the OP refers to.
