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Some Of Us Are Not Made To Connect.

Pretty much the stereotypical autism experience. I can mask. I can act it out. I can be polite, respectful, helpful, a leader, a mentor, a person people come to for advice, I can be social, but at the end of the day, deep down, I know I am not going to make a meaningful connection with anyone, even my own children, my siblings, my parents. It's OK. It is what it is. I love my wife, but I highly suspect it's a bit different than how my wife loves me. I can't describe it, but it just appears to be different. I have a lot of habitual behavior around her, the hugs, the kisses, the holding hands, the cuddles, etc. I will never really know. I've accepted it and I don't think about it. I can't allow it to bother me.
 
@Neonatal RRT , you explain exactly someone l met years ago. Thank you. It's not that you don't care about your wife, but maybe you just can't step past a certain step in the relationship. l tried so hard to understand this person, and l tried explaining it away as they are cold and uncaring, but maybe they don't have any more to give. So l see why you mask as it's important to her. l loved holding their hand, and just don't know how they felt about it. Your explanation helped open my eyes to a subject that isn't discussed much here. l feel my daughter is like this, and l may have these traits as well. Back to the post.
 
I relate so much, and i wonder if all autistics 'suffer' the same?.
I have seen people getting invested in each other, after some hours together....
That sure is a 'super power' that would be wonderful to have.
 
I can connect to people, especially my family and husband. Very natural there.
Often at work I'm not always told things by people about their problems but everyone else knows. That I feel rather left out with, but if I ask I know it'll look like I'm just being nosy, but it isn't that at all, it's just that I want to feel like an insider. I do love it when people confide in me, even though I'm crap at giving advice but I know advice isn't always what people want anyway. What people want is just someone to sympathise with them and maybe offer to help - which I've done many times when people have confided in me. I do like helping people and I am interested in them. But maybe I seem too dreamy and inattentive so they prefer to confide in people who are more intelligent than me. Or that I don't ask
enough questions. But I'm not really an asker of questions. I'm more of a listener and a sympathiser.

I would like more people to confide in me though. The only people that do find me great to confide in are people who are sensitive and fear criticism, because they know I'll listen and not criticise. Maybe they know I'll forget what they've said so their secrets will be safe with me always lol. Normally I do forget, well I remember the bigger picture but forget the details. And I wouldn't go telling others anyway, unless they've expressed that they know about it too (if the same person had confided in them too).
 
Maybe many of us have been living with a too-narrow definition of what it means to connect. There's lots of different ways to connect and it just may look and feel a bit different for us than the way we imagine it feels to others.

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Maybe "connection" is just a lack of loneliness - we can connect to our own selves, to the trees and the earth, to an animal, to the stars. I think it's worth it to keep looking and find the right type of connection - something that makes us feel a part of something a bit bigger than just our little ol' selves.
 
@Rodafina , this is an excellent point, maybe our ways of connection are fine, they just aren't a traditional NT connection. So there lies the disparity, and we can't beat ourselves up for not "not" feeling a connection that NT's feel. Like @Neonatal RRT said, it dosen't bother them.
 
I went to visit my grand daughter, her dad was walking slightly in front of her to open the apartment door she walked next to me in lockstep boy did we connect.
 
Whatever it is that you are going through do not underestimate yourself. We all have our strenghts and weaknesses. You are just as good as anybody else. Just be yourself, that is all you can do.
 
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Ronald Zeeman said:
I went to visit my grand daughter, her dad was walking slightly in front of her to open the apartment door she walked next to me in lockstep boy did we connect.
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I love this. Maybe that is what connection really is, just little moments of shared experience that we do not question. Like noticing who they are without judgment. For that moment she is just a little girl and nothing is better.

This past summer I had an interesting experince with my mother. She is 78 and does not trust me. That has always been hurtful. I mean the kind of trust that is personal. She will trust me to not steal from her, but she won't trust me to tell me her medical issues. Anyway, I was watching her this summer and how she interacts with my brother and everyone else and I suddenly realzised my mother trusts no one. If she can bully you into doing exactly as she wants you to, you are "in her favor". But she still does not trust you.

She is an island because she can not let go for fear of being hurt I guess.

That insight was a kind of connection that allowed me to be at ease enough to see the little girl behind the bully and wrinkles. Suddenly I am addressing her bullying with compasion and empathy. It's weird but I feel closer to her and better connected.
 
My grand daughter at 18 months is really different interests in common. likes music at least stuff she can bop too.
Definitely gifted watching how her mind works, stuns me I sit on couch my wife and her parents go upstairs she has never been in a two story house lives in apartment, she know they are close bit confused, then she figures they are above her, but how. The look on her face as she realizes this was priceless.
 
It seems the feeling that we can't connect with others is a very common theme with NDs. I know I've always felt this way.
I agree with @Rodafina that we just connect in different ways to how we perceive connection to be.
It just doesn't seem to come across to a lot of NTs and they think we don't care when we do. Just a different way of showing it or saying it. Usually not saying it is a problem for me.
 
Aspychata said:
@Rodafina , this is an excellent point, maybe our ways of connection are fine, they just aren't a traditional NT connection. So there lies the disparity, and we can't beat ourselves up for not "not" feeling a connection that NT's feel. Like @Neonatal RRT said, it dosen't bother them.
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They're not fine. The ability to connect with others affects the quality of your life.
 
You missed my point @Zain , l explained the way we connect is different, l don't think you are the authority on how people should and do connect. l think that is a very personal choice. l also believe that you can not define my quality of life, that again is a personal choice. My quality of life is different then a NT's quality of life We will need to disagree, but thank you for post.
 
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Zain said:
They're not fine. The ability to connect with others affects the quality of your life.
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The ability to assess and feel as if one is "fine" with one's situation is highly individualized. If one has had a significant and meaningful relationship, and now it is gone, and is missed, then one might not be "fine" with the situation. Some people do not and may not be capable of bonding with people in terms of their oxytocin and vasopressin hormone levels, they do not seek out relationships, and even the ability to experience love might not be there. In this context, one does not "miss" what one never had, nor ever will have, because there is no frame of reference there.

One can waste a lot of time ruminating about such things, become envious and jealous, which is never good, nor is the depression, anger, and frustration of wishing for something that will never be. "I wish I never had autism." I get it, I understand, but you don't have that choice. It is what it is, now deal with it. You are not, nor will ever be, those "other people". Accept it, move on, and play the game with cards dealt to you.

I am 58. I've been through the process of life, had my ups and downs, and have been pretty darn lucky in life with a wife and children, success in my work life, personal life, and my financial situation. I've never operated on an emotional level. I also have alexithymia. I operate on a logical plane. So, I accept my life as it is, with all its pros and cons. So, "YES", I am doing just fine.
 
I find I am able to connect. It's just not in a stereotypical way. It's like there are certain aspects that attract or repel me and they are very particular to me.

What repels or simply isn't interesting doesn't make it bad of course.

I've also noticed a tendency for me to more readily connect with animals which has a satisfying natural/instinctive feel but isn't very complicated or mentally demanding. Except maybe certain birds. Parrotlets for example. Sometimes I feel like they are the smarter ones and I am being played. ;D
 
Neonatal RRT said:
One can waste a lot of time ruminating about such things, become envious and jealous, which is never good, nor is the depression, anger, and frustration of wishing for something that will never be. "I wish I never had autism." I get it, I understand, but you don't have that choice. It is what it is, now deal with it. You are not, nor will ever be, those "other people". Accept it, move on, and play the game with cards dealt to you.
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Yet if we said those same words to a person who was gender dysphoric it'd be 'transphobic' and 'disrespectful'. Never mind that some of us ND people are dysphoric about our brains.
 
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