Super independence

[Diana11]

I think there are several strategies my NT husband and I use which help us be close with each other in ways we both like:

• We can be in the room together, but doing our own things.
• We alert each other to tasks which require concentration, when we don't want to be disturbed.
• We create appointments for movie watching or going out to dinner
• We can go to things, but one of us can withdraw to quieter areas if needed

His thing is that he is an artist, writer, and musician, so he's also used to spending lots of time alone with himself. Also, he has a chronic illness, and totally understands not having enough energy, or going somewhere that is draining.

It would be difficult for our relationship to work if he were a gigging musician who travels all over and hangs in noisy and crowded places. But seeking out people who value solitude and concentration, and understand that it can happen with both of us in the room together: that's so easy.

Thanks for the reply! This sounds familiar to me, too. He's an aspie and I'm creative person who likes my alone time. We just didn't have good enough communication like you guys do

 

[Diana11]

When I think of the mental and emotional resources it took to routinely deal with the stresses of a highly dynamic job for so many years, it made me realize that at home I was much more likely to let my guard down in intimate relationships. Much more vulnerable. So while my status at work never diminished, my relationships would eventually go down the drain.

I wasn't "juggling" them. I put all my efforts into work...so by the time I got home I had nothing to fall back on.

So much for super, let alone independence.

I thought my ex was very different from anyone I've met in my life so far, but you all sounds exactly like him... I honestly think he is using his job to protect himself from the outside world or something. As a result, he became workaholic and gained high status, and yes, looking like super independent guy. I hoped I could be the one he can rely on but it never happened. Sad

 

[Valentine]

Yea, you are right, he doesn't want to grow up. I wondered if he was capable of growing up, but I honestly don't think he did his best for me. It's ok. I'll find a grown up man!

Admittedly I don't have all the information, but from what I do have from reading this topic, that is an unfair and untrue assessment. I can't say more without being rude.

 

[Diana11]

he could have had several conditions that may lead to this "Super independent" behavior Aspies aren't the only people who want some space. There is a thing called schizoid personality disorder which is also on a spectrum these people also need a lot of space but are rarely charming. Not to be pessimistic but the fact that he though Symptoms are too positive may suggest that he has a mild case of narcissistic personality disorder which is more in line with being very charming and has a high comorbidity with ADHD. A very rare condition is Antisocial personality disorder aka. Psychopathy has high comorbidity with ADHD are very charming consider themselves to be really different but always fifty times Better than anyone else. just because someone is weird doesn't mean they are on the autism spectrum.

Thank you for the reply! You made a surprisingly good analysis here even though I didn't write much about his personality. I went through almost the same analysis and concluded with AS/ADHD. I know he is not psychopath or schizoid although I thought of them at the beginning. Honestly I don't know what he has for sure after all. The only thing allowed me to do now is to hope that he will find some sort of relief for whatever he may have....

 

[Diana11]

Admittedly I don't have all the information, but from what I do have from reading this topic, that is an unfair and untrue assessment. I can't say more without being rude.

Sorry if you felt offended by reading my post. I didn't mean to blame his AS traits but if it made you feel offended, I'll delete it. I still miss him but I have to admit that part of me has a mixed feeling. Apart from his AS traits, I do believe he needs grow up more. And I do, too. We were definitely not perfect.

 

[Valentine]

Sorry if you felt offended by reading my post. I don't know if it'll still make you feel offended but I'll reword it. I still miss him but I have to admit that part of me has a mixed feeling. Apart from his AS traits, I do believe he needs grow up more. And I do, too. We were definitely not perfect.

AS often have traits that seem childish. Some can control it and some cannot. I just didn't like the assumption that he he has to do something when we don't know if he can or not.

 

[Diana11]

AS often have traits that seem childish. Some can control it and some cannot. I just didn't like the assumption that he he has to do something when we don't know if he can or not.

I understand. I actually liked some of his childishness though. Not all, of course, but I thought it was cute. I am not writing about all his characteristics so I know it might be confusing but there were times I got really hurt by his behaviors and I really doubt it was caused simply by his AS. One of the reasons I am not writing about it is because I still feel the pain and am trying to recover from it. It still didn't make me dislike him but it hurt me pretty badly. So, that's why I'm saying, apart from his AS traits, he needs to grow up. But again, we all do need to do our best to grow up, whether if AS or NT.

 

[Maelstrom]

sounds allot like what happened to me.....she liked me tons but there was always a reason to not get around to seeing eachother this week.... Meh! not a good Omen! of things to come.

 

[angie78]

I think there are several strategies my NT husband and I use which help us be close with each other in ways we both like:

• We can be in the room together, but doing our own things.
• We alert each other to tasks which require concentration, when we don't want to be disturbed.
• We create appointments for movie watching or going out to dinner
• We can go to things, but one of us can withdraw to quieter areas if needed

His thing is that he is an artist, writer, and musician, so he's also used to spending lots of time alone with himself. Also, he has a chronic illness, and totally understands not having enough energy, or going somewhere that is draining.

It would be difficult for our relationship to work if he were a gigging musician who travels all over and hangs in noisy and crowded places. But seeking out people who value solitude and concentration, and understand that it can happen with both of us in the room together: that's so easy.

Hope you don't mind but I'm going to use these with my other half. He does often say he just likes me in the same room as him.
I like the idea of appointment with each other as then I know I will get his attention and he knows he gets his computer time.
Great advice for this NT to support my most treasured aspie xx

 

[Diana11]

sounds allot like what happened to me.....she liked me tons but there was always a reason to not get around to seeing eachother this week.... Meh! not a good Omen! of things to come.

Ahhhh sorry I feel you....... Maybe people here can give you some advice on how to cope with her. I should have asked for their advice earlier. In my case, he's already gone. Wish you'll find a solution with her!

 

[Diana11]

Hope you don't mind but I'm going to use these with my other half. He does often say he just likes me in the same room as him.
I like the idea of appointment with each other as then I know I will get his attention and he knows he gets his computer time.
Great advice for this NT to support my most treasured aspie xx

Wishing you the very best with your loved one!!!

 

[Maelstrom]

Ahhhh sorry I feel you....... Maybe people here can give you some advice on how to cope with her. I should have asked for their advice earlier. In my case, he's already gone. Wish you'll find a solution with her!

Thank you, but I already lost her....not much I could do!

 

[Cosmophylla]

Hi Diana11, I just thought I'd add something that occurred to me.

I had no idea that my feeling different (and liking being unique...), feeling weird/alien, needing isolation, among many other traits., was ASD until I was 39. It was a big surprise. It's entirely possible that your ex has absolutely no idea either. If you don't know much about ASD then there's no reason to suspect it in yourself. In my case I found out because I went seeking answers, but if your ex isn't searching for answers for himself he may never know.

Also, for many Aspies, verbally articulating certain things, especially emotions or similar abstract concepts, can be extremely hard. It may also be that your ex hadn't reached a point of being self-aware enough to put the pieces together. Although Aspies tend to be a pretty introspective bunch, it can still be a challenge to view one's own behaviour with clarity.

I'm just saying this because I'd hate for you to hold a grudge against him for not speaking up about being unable to get closer to you. He may not have really seen that in himself, and may only have realised it in hindsight.

 

[Judge]

I'm just saying this because I'd hate for you to hold a grudge against him for not speaking up about being unable to get closer to you. He may not have really seen that in himself, and may only have realised it in hindsight.

Agreed. I went through most of my life not having a clue. It's not a simple thing to become self-aware of. Quite complex actually, IMO.

It's like having to be "Sherlock Holmes". Except you are the case to be solved.

 

[WereBear]

But again, we all do need to do our best to grow up, whether if AS or NT.

It's like having to be "Sherlock Holmes". Except you are the case to be solved.

Yes, exactly. Ideally, an ongoing project which continues the rest of our life.

And not just we Aspies, either. I have met many NT's who are shallow thinkers and cannot identify and name their own emotions. This is absolutely crucial and yet our whole Western Civilization acts like it happens automatically. So not so.

In fact, I would go out on a small limb to state that it seems to me that many NT's could do with a hobby with a bit more intensity and focus. I'm thinking of the many people I've known who could not sit and think even if their very life depended on it. That's not right.

Growing to adulthood with an inability to be alone in a room, to feel compelled to chatter about literally nothing, to need constant input because one's own thoughts are so empty; this is not maturity.

 

[Diana11]

Thank you, but I already lost her....not much I could do!

Oh sorry... We will find someone special very soon!!

 

[Diana11]

Hi Diana11, I just thought I'd add something that occurred to me.

I had no idea that my feeling different (and liking being unique...), feeling weird/alien, needing isolation, among many other traits., was ASD until I was 39. It was a big surprise. It's entirely possible that your ex has absolutely no idea either. If you don't know much about ASD then there's no reason to suspect it in yourself. In my case I found out because I went seeking answers, but if your ex isn't searching for answers for himself he may never know.

Also, for many Aspies, verbally articulating certain things, especially emotions or similar abstract concepts, can be extremely hard. It may also be that your ex hadn't reached a point of being self-aware enough to put the pieces together. Although Aspies tend to be a pretty introspective bunch, it can still be a challenge to view one's own behaviour with clarity.

I'm just saying this because I'd hate for you to hold a grudge against him for not speaking up about being unable to get closer to you. He may not have really seen that in himself, and may only have realised it in hindsight.

Thanks for your reply! I understand. One thing, he seemed to have ADHD, too. So that part was what was more obvious to me. If he didn't have ADHD, I probably didn't notice about his AS. He was not able to be on time, not good at making plans and keeping it, unable to keep promises, although he wants to. This came to me as a doubt first. Because of these things, I started to analyze him and came to a clear conclusion about his AS/ADHD. With the ADHD traits, I think it might be easier for people to notice. But I know some people who have ADHD also don't notice about their ADHD, until late, too, so maybe you are right. He might know something different but not very sure what it is. It seemed like he did not really want to know, too. I think it was like half of him was seeking answer to it, but the other half of him doesn't want to know because he knows it's a problem. Now I kind of regret that I blamed him for not loving me enough (NT way). But that's what I already did

 

[Diana11]

Agreed. I went through most of my life not having a clue. It's not a simple thing to become self-aware of. Quite complex actually, IMO.

It's like having to be "Sherlock Holmes". Except you are the case to be solved.

That's a tough one. Sherlock Holmes trying to solve his own problem lol
Yea I guess, maybe other people might be aware of him being AS/ADHD but it's whole another thing to be SELF-aware.

 

[Diana11]

Yes, exactly. Ideally, an ongoing project which continues the rest of our life.

And not just we Aspies, either. I have met many NT's who are shallow thinkers and cannot identify and name their own emotions. This is absolutely crucial and yet our whole Western Civilization acts like it happens automatically. So not so.

In fact, I would go out on a small limb to state that it seems to me that many NT's could do with a hobby with a bit more intensity and focus. I'm thinking of the many people I've known who could not sit and think even if their very life depended on it. That's not right.

Growing to adulthood with an inability to be alone in a room, to feel compelled to chatter about literally nothing, to need constant input because one's own thoughts are so empty; this is not maturity.

Haha you are right. I am pretty close to Apie way when it comes to socializing, and I hate small talking, too. And it depends on the person what "growing up" mean. NTs who care about how they look like to others might force aspies and aspie-like NT like me to be able to have small talks and tell us that's mature way in this society but it's not true for everyone.

 

[Judge]

That's a tough one. Sherlock Holmes trying to solve his own problem lol
Yea I guess, maybe other people might be aware of him being AS/ADHD but it's whole another thing to be SELF-aware.

Learning and understanding one's autism is a complex process. One which may involve frustration and denial. You have to accept it before you can move on to really use self-awareness to your own advantage in navigating a Neurotypical world.