Super independence

[Diana11]

Learning and understanding one's autism is a complex process. One which may involve frustration and denial. You have to accept it before you can move on to really use self-awareness to your own advantage in navigating a Neurotypical world.

Yea I can't even imagine how it is to go through it. I have a mild depression, which actually started after I met him..., and even that is hard for me to process. I wish I could have been able to be his help but it was over my ability, I think.

 

[Maelstrom]

Developing self awareness....is a strange magical boot strapping process....some people never quite get to that level.
I am not real sure why....maybe their self image is too fragile to take self examination? or they need order so much they can't change.....but some people would rather die or fight the whole world than admit they need to improve on something.

I don't know if there is any tried and true way to pull someone over the self awareness gap. My father a minister tried to help people that way endlessly, usually it fails at a certain point. I do not know if the people ever figured it out later on in life....sorry!

It is nice to try to help people but 99% of the time what you see is what you get....it is nice when you do see one of those 1%-ers bloom like a rose, I have seen it a few times.

 

[Diana11]

Developing self awareness....is a strange magical boot strapping process....some people never quite get to that level.
I am not real sure why....maybe their self image is too fragile to take self examination? or they need order so much they can't change.....but some people would rather die or fight the whole world than admit they need to improve on something.

I don't know if there is any tried and true way to pull someone over the self awareness gap. My father a minister tried to help people that way endlessly, usually it fails at a certain point. I do not know if the people ever figured it out later on in life....sorry!

It is nice to try to help people but 99% of the time what you see is what you get....it is nice when you do see one of those 1%-ers bloom like a rose, I have seen it a few times.

It's great to hear you talk about this. I can only try to assume how you guys go through the process but can't quite have an accurate assumption unless I actually hear it from you guys. I have a feeling that some of the aspies who have really high status tend to have more difficulties to have the self-awareness. I've read some people say that because of their high ability and high social status, they wanted to deny they had AS.

It is sad but it is very true that "awareness" isn't really an awareness when it is taught by someone else. Other people can support but can't really help unless the person himself/herself want to be aware of it. It needs to come from within. This isn't only about AS awareness but about any awareness.

I still think things like what your father does are good to do though. Maybe it fails at the very moment, but the person might remember what your father said for a long time and at some point later in life, the things your father said might come together for this person after going through rough times and when the time is right. I've had that kind of experiences before. You know, something like, when my parents / my ex boyfriend / my best friend wanted me to change certain things and I was so pissed of at them for saying things like that to me at the time, but after 10 years, I kind of appreciate they said that because it actually helped me later on in my life, etc, etc.

 

[Judge]

Initial denial of one's autism is no surprise in a society that is so prone to stigmatizing neurological diversity let alone mental illness. It didn't come easy for me to conclude that I was on the spectrum. Even as I concluded one autistic trait and behavior after another I still had initially great reservation in concluding I was on the spectrum.

 

[Bonnie]

I have had the same experience. It's almost like he thinks it's easier to start over with someone else than work on the relationship we have been in for 2 years.

 

[Valentine]

I have had the same experience. It's almost like he thinks it's easier to start over with someone else than work on the relationship we have been in for 2 years.

For some people it's easier to just be alone.

 

[Diana11]

I have had the same experience. It's almost like he thinks it's easier to start over with someone else than work on the relationship we have been in for 2 years.

Totally. He was similar. If we have disagreements, he'd think I hate him, although I was only trying to find a solution to cope better. He only wanted me to be smiling unconditionally, which was too hard for me to do. I couldn't keep smiling but it didn't mean I wanted to leave him or hate him but it seemed he didn't want to see anything negative. It was like if he has to deal with any negativity with me, he'd rather leave me, and he did.

 

[Maelstrom]

Totally. He was similar. If we have disagreements, he'd think I hate him, although I was only trying to find a solution to cope better. He only wanted me to be smiling unconditionally, which was too hard for me to do. I couldn't keep smiling but it didn't mean I wanted to leave him or hate him but it seemed he didn't want to see anything negative. It was like if he has to deal with any negativity with me, he'd rather leave me, and he did.

Some people see any conflict at all as negative....but learning to fight fair and sort things out is important for couples. The idea that you are going to find the perfect person who never disagrees with you is foolish, sooner or later one person is going to want pizza and to watch Starwars....and the other want Chinese and Gone With the Wind.
Some barganing and back and forth is inevitable....learning to not feel too upset or hurt by it is important.
The Sun will still rise no mater what gets chosen and you can still love eachother just as much.

 

[WeirdyMcBeardy]

Hey everyone,

I found this site after google searches that deal with Aspergers and relationships.
Currently I am in a one year relationship and it's starting to get to a point where I think she is over me.

My whole life my friends have called me different, a lover of life, the class clown and always seemingly happy. The truth is I've spent most of my life alone. I have a few close friends but I dont have a normal crowed. It seems my friends are usually who I work with or do things with the most. I dont really plan anything. If I get an invite, I'll go. If I dont I'm home.

Dating was always an issue for me. From JR High, High School, College and post...I've been in some serious relationships but the 1-2 year mark always seems to be the breaking point.

My entire life I've felt very "different" I dont really know how to describe it but like a film. I dont really remember things that well unless I save them as recording in my mind. I can remember clothing, colors, random moments....When I got to college I did some performing arts stuff and did pretty well. I got a few leads, good parts and landed some gigs out of college. One girlfriend said to me once "I dont understand how you can be that alive on stage, that romantic, but not with me." I couldnt say anything to that. All I could think was, "The director told me to feel that way."

While in elementary school I recall taking tests and this person having me build things with blocks. They'd ask me about my home life and I was told very clearly by my parents that I shouldnt talk about home with anyone.

My home life wasnt particularly happy. One of my parents is an addict.
I've always felt like I was just there as a prop.

After reading so many responses here and for years feeling off and disconnected I think I am on the spectrum and I'm not quite sure how to feel.

Diana, reading some of the things your ex did, I thought I was reading myself. Valentine, you've said so many things that made me cry because I feel so alone and it just felt like some of the answers you had, the information was written for me.

I'm 30+ and I feel like im just figuring out who I am...

Apart of me wants this relationship to end because I feel so sad how she feels. I try to be more romantic, or more affectionate and it just comes out really bad.

Tonight, she came home and said she was really stressed and decided to take a bath.

Trying to be helpful or caring I poured her a glass of wine and brought it to her. Realizing she already had a cup. I smiled and was met with a get out look. I left the room and went for a walk.

It's been two hours since she has spoken to me.

I'm not sure what to do right now. I feel alone. Scared. I feel like a scared 5 year old child... where in reality I'm 190lb man, bearded, long hair, good job... seemingly happy.

 

[mw2530]

I'm not sure what to do right now. I feel alone. Scared. I feel like a scared 5 year old child... where in reality I'm 190lb man, bearded, long hair, good job... seemingly happy.

That may be the most difficult thing of ASD. By all appearances, and on paper it may seem like you have all your ducks in a row and should be happy. But the reality is you are silently suffering and for many of us we spent many years not even knowing that we were suffering. Appearance can be deceiving and in my opinion is also the reason why it has been such a tough road to get health professionals understand that ASD is a serious problem and help is greatly needed. Just b/c you may be successful in one area of life like work or academics it does not mean help isn't needed in other areas. Some of the most talented people in the world also face equally challenging problems. Just look at all the professional athletes and musicians. Many of them have tremendous personal problems. Not all, but certainly a high percentage of the do - probably even a higher percentage than average Joe's. I hope you were able to work things out and things are better now. I know it has been awhile since the last post.

 

[Maelstrom]

Translation Life bites for autistics and everyone is surprised we feel angry or depressed after they were kind enough to turn us into Road kill.

Such a mystery!