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The last thing that made you laugh

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In our audience tonight, we have seven bricklayers, six carpet fitters, two taxi drivers and a double glazing salesman.
There he is, over there, talking to himself.
 
I was talking to a friend about a wedding I'm invited to this fall and kept mention the Mehndi the bride would have for the wedding. As I was about to hang up, my friend finally asked me "Who is the gorgeous Mindy you keep talking about and, why would the bride own her?" And this friend is NT LOL. (my friend knows nothing of Muslim culture and traditions - obviously.)
 
Speaking of a rural background, the inventor of the toothbrush is from my town.
I know this to be true, because if it was invented anywhere else, it would be called the "teeth" brush.
 
THE SAILOR'S FAREWELL TO HIS HORSE.
by Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)


'Twas a dirty night, 'twas a dirty trick
When our ship turned over in the Atlantic
It was the schooner Hesperous - we all lay asleep in our bunks
Bound for a cruise, where they don't have revues
With a cargo of elephant's trunks.

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip
Not even a policeman in sight
And the little sardines had got into their tins
And pulled down the lids for the night.

We hadn't gone far down the channel
When a terrible storm arose
The captain stood on the bridge of the ship
And I stood on the bridge of his nose.

We hoped for the best, for the mast had gone West
And the rudder was lost in the swell
And the anchor got caught in the back of my shirt
And I lost my rudder as well.

S.O.S., S.O.S., flashed through the air
From the wireless right down the jetty
The steward brought S.O.S. on a plate
Sausages, onions, and spaghetti.

Said old Bo'sun Brown, "The ship's going down
And I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty."
"Women and children first", cried the mate
So I put on an old woman's nighty.

I dived in the sea, doing side strokes
And sun strokes - with chattering teeth
I could see all the water on top of the waves -
And I found a lot more underneath.

I swam out to Sidney, on my floating kidney
And then, back to Alsace Lorraine
When I stepped on the pier, the wife shouted, "I'm here!"
So I jumped in the water again.

I said to a girl - "You must swim for your life
Or hang on to a buoy, if you can."
She looked at me coy, and said, "You're not a boy,
Get off, you're a dirty old man!"
 
AGXStarseed said:
THE SAILOR'S FAREWELL TO HIS HORSE.
by Billy Bennett
(Almost a Gentleman)


'Twas a dirty night, 'twas a dirty trick
When our ship turned over in the Atlantic
It was the schooner Hesperous - we all lay asleep in our bunks
Bound for a cruise, where they don't have revues
With a cargo of elephant's trunks.

The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip
Not even a policeman in sight
And the little sardines had got into their tins
And pulled down the lids for the night.

We hadn't gone far down the channel
When a terrible storm arose
The captain stood on the bridge of the ship
And I stood on the bridge of his nose.

We hoped for the best, for the mast had gone West
And the rudder was lost in the swell
And the anchor got caught in the back of my shirt
And I lost my rudder as well.

S.O.S., S.O.S., flashed through the air
From the wireless right down the jetty
The steward brought S.O.S. on a plate
Sausages, onions, and spaghetti.

Said old Bo'sun Brown, "The ship's going down
And I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty."
"Women and children first", cried the mate
So I put on an old woman's nighty.

I dived in the sea, doing side strokes
And sun strokes - with chattering teeth
I could see all the water on top of the waves -
And I found a lot more underneath.

I swam out to Sidney, on my floating kidney
And then, back to Alsace Lorraine
When I stepped on the pier, the wife shouted, "I'm here!"
So I jumped in the water again.

I said to a girl - "You must swim for your life
Or hang on to a buoy, if you can."
She looked at me coy, and said, "You're not a boy,
Get off, you're a dirty old man!"
Click to expand...

Did I miss something? I couldn't find any mention of a horse :confused:
 
Vinca said:
Did I miss something? I couldn't find any mention of a horse :confused:
Click to expand...

I think the title was just random - just for the giggles.
It's a bit like a contradictory joke that my sisters told me when I was young:

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two dead men got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
then drew their swords and shot each other.
 
Jay [not his real name], the son of a friend of my husband. They were getting ready to shoot the black powder rifles and, my husband was firing caps (no powder or ball in the rifles) in the house to be sure the barrels were clear and, the guns would fire safely. Jay ran into the kitchen just a few feet away where I was making watermelon punch, shouting excitedly "He shot a gun in the house and it didn't put a hole in the floor. You have really strong floors." LOL
 
What is a Laugh?

Well, to put it simply, a 'laugh' is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.
Ha-Ha-Ha!

(If it comes out anywhere else, then you're in dead trouble).
 
The last thing to make me laugh probably says something about how weird I am... I don't expect anyone else to see the funny side, but if there is somebody who sees how it was hilarious, please do let me know .

I got out of the taxi and ended up walking down the street about two steps behind a stranger. My son who is 10 months old, made a loud but happy baby noise. The guy in front of us turned round saying "hello" and looking a little confused. When he realised I had a child and it was unlikely to be me making some weird noise behind him, he was looking like he felt he had done something silly (I'm not good at finding a word to match what people show on their face but I think this describes it well enough).
Hehehehehe [emoji1]
Usually I would be afraid of looking miserable in town because all I want to do is get out of the town. But today I was more likely to get funny looks for chuckling to myself, randomly, as I relived the event in my head.
 
The trash pick up man this morning. Monday is trash day here and, I have 3 cans out by the road. One metal and two plastic bins. The guy dumping cans into the back of the trash truck gets the two plastic ones, the larger cans just fine but, when he went to dump the metal one, he slipped and dumped it on himself.

We had a party this past weekend and, that was the can that was near the outdoor bar so, it was full of half empty beers, dumped out mixed drinks and, the leftovers of watermelon punch (watermelons partially hollowed out and filled with vodka.) Now, my home is 35 miles form the landfill and, 50 miles form the trash pick up company's offices so, the trash guy will have to spend the day reeking of alcohol and rotting watermelon.

He isn't going to stand for that so, knocks on my door and begs me to allow him to shower quickly and to loan him some clean clothes. I oblige, kind of felt sorry for the guy but, the only thing I had that would fit this skinny runt of a trash man was my clothes and, pants would be too short on him so, I gave him a pair of my vinyl shorts and, a crop top. (I know I'm evil but, that was the only thing I was willing to part with from my wardrobe that wouldn't look even worse than that on him and, I don't expect to get the clothes back.) Now he doesn't reek of booze and rotten fruit but, it's hard to tell what gender he is and, that's what he is stuck with for the day.

I'd bet he's more careful of his footing after today. LOL
 
Barbecuing was secretly invented by females to make cooking seem dangerous and appealing to males. If they invented a way to vacuum floors and scrub pantries with a flame-thrower, men would never leave the kitchen.


A funny by Josh Freed at: Montreal Gazette
 
I'm always uncomfortable when using public toilets - especially with the hand-dryers.
Reason being is you know when you have your hands under the hand dryer and there's a bad smell in the toilet which isn't you, I can almost guarantee someone will walk in and this will happen:

Stranger: *Walks in and sniffs the air, before looking at you with a look of disgust like you're responsible*
You: Don't look at me like that - I didn't do it!
Stranger: Yes you did, you smelly little man!


The other think that bugs me is that automatic air freshener in those toilets. Really stresses me out as it always seems to go off as soon as I walk in. It's like it's mocking me:

You: *Walks into the public toilet*
Air Freshener: *Pssst!* You stink.
 
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