Laughingowl1975
Well-Known Member
A bit of 'flash' driving.
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The last thing that made you laugh
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AGXStarseed
Well-Known Member
Years later, this still gets me giggling.
AGXStarseed
Well-Known Member
Today I worked my eighth day in a row at my job at Chevron. At work we sell USB lighters. Which leads me to the following joke that came to mind, as I am getting a little "loopy."
An overworked computer technician finally got some time off.
He went to an international football game.
Question: What did he shout when he cheered for his favorite team? Fill in the blanks below.
(Hint: he's an American)
_ _ _! _ _ _ !
The answer is in the second sentence, first line!
An overworked computer technician finally got some time off.
He went to an international football game.
Question: What did he shout when he cheered for his favorite team? Fill in the blanks below.
(Hint: he's an American)
_ _ _! _ _ _ !
The answer is in the second sentence, first line!
Out of our five thousand consultants, there is a very special one. He is expert at keeping money invested regardless of whether (in this case) the student needs it now or not.
Today, the student needed the cash. And we learned that this consultant does not know how to fill out our withdrawal form if someone doesn't want to stay invested.
Today, the student needed the cash. And we learned that this consultant does not know how to fill out our withdrawal form if someone doesn't want to stay invested.
AGXStarseed
Well-Known Member
21 Jokes from British Comedians:
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: when a celebrity has died or when it's snowing”
3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
21. “A man went to the Doctors with a steering wheel stuck in his underpants. The Doctor said ‘That looks painful’, to which the man replied ‘I know - it's driving me nuts.’ ”
1. “I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.”
2. “There are only two conditions where you’re allowed to wake up a woman on a lie-in: when a celebrity has died or when it's snowing”
3. "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
4. “What do you call an alsatian in a grey jumper? A plain-clothes police dog.”
5. “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
6. “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
7. “Snooker is the best. Snooker is basically tidying up disguised as sport.”
8. “My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
9. “I got a package in the post last week, and on it it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
10. “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
11. “When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
12. “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
13. “My husband can do the work of two men. Unfortunately those men are Laurel and Hardy.”
14. “Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent.”
15. “I'm sure wherever my dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead. Just very condescending.”
16. “My musical knowledge is so poor I thought Kanye West was a railway station and Lana Del Rey a holiday destination.”
17. “About a month before he died, my grandfather covered his back full of lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.”
18. “I bought my mum a Kindle because she likes reading so much. She still licks her fingers when she changes the page.”
19. “I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”
20. “My mum's so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."
21. “A man went to the Doctors with a steering wheel stuck in his underpants. The Doctor said ‘That looks painful’, to which the man replied ‘I know - it's driving me nuts.’ ”
SnowTiger20
Black n White
Astroganga
Well-Known Member
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices...-gaffe-iraq-war-chilcot-inquiry-a7026756.html Mark Steel is hilarious
AGXStarseed
Well-Known Member
SnowTiger20
Black n White
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