There is no shame in feeling shame about having autism

[Judge]

You developed self-confidence in an external way through achievements.
And I achieved self-esteem through analysing social attitudes and its value systems.
"Interesting."

It sounds like you achieved such a goal on your own terms. Preferable to me having done so on "their" terms. Well done.

It sadly paralleled my experience with being harassed by bullies before adulthood. When the only way I got them off my back was to defend myself on their terms with literal brute force. Once they feared me, they no longer tormented me.

In adulthood I felt I had no way to manage much of anything on my own terms in the workplace, so I sought to outperform my peers. Apart from knowing that even when I befriended such people, I knew that just below the surface that all of them are my competitors. Harnessing my OCD in a way to surpass their performance...and it worked for the most part, at least in a classic office environment while spending nearly two decades with the same employer.

Kind of sad. That's life as an extreme minority having to coexist with an extreme majority.

But I've always been a pragmatist. Not an idealist at all. It's my life...for better and for worse.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I was at high school, being a Billy No Mates was a social crime. If you were seen on your own, you became a target for bullies. So if you were rejected by your classmates just because...you're you, and you're a naturally socially-orientated kid just like everyone else, it isn't wrong to be miserable, hate yourself and hate your autism. If something is causing you grief in life then you're going to hate your condition.
My mother hated her mother's Alzheimer's. My brother hates his depression. My brother actually has an even lower self-esteem than I do. He hates himself so much, he believes he's incapable of romantic relationships. He's had girls ask him out but he backs away. He says he's asexual and hates being asexual.
My sister is more of the happy-go-lucky type even though she has struggles she doesn't seem aware of. Her IQ is lower than mine, though she is high-functioning. No, she's not on the autism spectrum (as far as I'm aware) but is on the learning disability spectrum, which also has severity levels but doesn't often get discussed anywhere. Intellectual disability interests me.

 

[Judge]

My sister is more of the happy-go-lucky type even though she has struggles she doesn't seem aware of. Her IQ is lower than mine, though she is high-functioning. No, she's not on the autism spectrum (as far as I'm aware) but is on the learning disability spectrum, which also has severity levels but doesn't often get discussed anywhere. Intellectual disability interests me.

Indeed, an example of how ignorance can truly be blissful for some. Perhaps similar to another dynamic of those so far into the spectrum of autism that they have no remorse for not having feelings towards much of anyone for better or worse. Not so much intellectual disability at all, but rather social disability.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like not to feel plagued by social deficits at all. Not envy per se, but intense curiosity. What is it like to have consistent sense of happiness, if one could truly call it that, at the expense of one's own intellect ?

Perhaps an interesting "trade-off". Or not.

 

[Misty Avich]

My sister was delayed in speech as a baby and needed to attend speech therapy sessions. She also was said to be 9 months to a year behind her peers intellectually.

Intellectual disability can affect social skills to an extent, just like an autistic person with a high IQ can still struggle with some intellectual things.

But I'd rather be like my sister than be me. Although she required extra help at school and had to attend speech therapy, it still didn't seem to cause the same stress as my issues did for my parents. My sister didn't have behaviour problems so I guess that makes it easier no matter how socially or intellectually challenged your child is.
I had hyperactivity and poor emotional regulation, liked to be seen and heard, could be sulky and attention-seeking a lot, very messy and disorganised, and was just wilful, insistent, demanding, impulsive, the list goes on.

One good thing though was that I was probably the most affectionate out of the three of us. Also my parents didn't have to worry about me putting myself in danger, because I had a good sense of danger. So I could be outside playing unsupervised at 5 years old and not have to be watched.

In lots of ways I was just a normal kid. I find comfort in having "normal" described about me, even though some Aspies are like "NO YOU'RE NOT NORMAL, YOU NEVER WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT". Um, okay.

 

[Judge]

My sister was delayed in speech as a baby and needed to attend speech therapy sessions. She also was said to be 9 months to a year behind her peers intellectually.

Ironically I didn't begin to speak in full sentences until the age of four. Attended kindergarten and the first grade at the appropriate ages and consistently went through all my secondary school grades without incident.

The highest I ever scored on a standard IQ test was 141. Go figure. I guess I just didn't have much to say as a toddler. Though my parents always thought there was something "different" about me, especially compared to my NT older brother.

 

[Misty Avich]

Ironically I didn't begin to speak in full sentences until the age of four. Attended kindergarten and the first grade at the appropriate ages and consistently went through all my secondary school grades without incident.

The highest I ever scored on a standard IQ test was 141. Go figure. I guess I just didn't have much to say as a toddler. Though my parents always thought there was something "different" about me, especially compared to my NT older brother.

Being delayed in speech can happen to both high IQ and low IQ people, but it's a symptom that people with intellectual disability without autism and people with autism without intellectual disability can share. My mum did often say that my sister might have autism traits but I doubt it because she's always been more socially accepted and didn't have symptoms such as sensory issues or special interests or meltdowns.
My sensory issues were/are quite minimal but I've always been afraid of sudden loud noises because of being easily startled.

 

[Judge]

Being delayed in speech can happen to both high IQ and low IQ people, but it's a symptom that people with intellectual disability without autism and people with autism without intellectual disability can share. My mum did often say that my sister might have autism traits but I doubt it because she's always been more socially accepted and didn't have symptoms such as sensory issues or special interests or meltdowns.
My sensory issues were/are quite minimal but I've always been afraid of sudden loud noises because of being easily startled.

Interesting. In looking back, many of my autistic sensory issues didn't become overwhelming until around puberty and then took off like a rocket.

Sadly though in my case, despite my parent's concerns, the medical community observing me was at a time when autism was barely on their professional "radar". Loud, sudden noises easily startle me as well. The worst probably being small children who suddenly scream in stores. And then the leaf blowers I hear each week from landscapers forcing me to wear ear protectors.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm quite selective with my noise sensitivity. For example neighbour noise above is more distracting and distressing for me than neighbour noise next door or below.
And with sudden loud noises, I do spend a lot of my life actively avoiding sudden loud noises that I know are going to occur at any moment. The anticipation almost makes my heart stop, like when an ambulance is coming towards me with its lights flashing but no siren on, as it's an indication that it could turn on at any moment. An ambulance zooming past with its siren already on is less distressing for me because at least it's not making me startle. But being startled by sudden loud noises have never sent me into a meltdown or anything. I just swear lol.
As a kid things that would make sudden loud noises, such as balloons, dogs, fireworks and bells, all became fears of mine. So if a dog came up to me I would cry or just freeze. If it barked near me I was more likely to cry.

Also what I did sometimes as a child was put my hands over my ears when I knew a loud sudden noise might occur, but continuous noise didn't bother me, although from other people's point of view it looked like the latter. So if I was at a hectic birthday party where there were kids playing with balloons, I'd put my hands over my ears due to the fear of the balloons popping, not because of the noise of the kids. In fact the only noises that ever bothered me as a kid were sudden loud noises only. Otherwise, noise itself didn't bother me, although it distracted me a lot. My mum said that when I was very little and there was a noise outside, like screeching of car tyres, I'd ask her what the noise was. I don't know why.

 

[Seladon]

I sometimes wonder what it would be like not to feel plagued by social deficits at all. Not envy per se, but intense curiosity. What is it like to have consistent sense of happiness.

With the caveat it’s not for everyone, not legal everywhere, and you have to do your own research and safety checks/protocols before embarking down this road: have heard and experienced good things r.e. this effect about psychedelics, in therapeutic and non-therapeutic settings. They used to call it ‘tuning in’ to humanity and free love for a reason.

 

[Jonn]

Harnessing my OCD in a way to surpass their performance...and it worked for the most part, at least in a classic office environment while spending nearly two decades with the same employer.

Being successful in what you do is an extremely effective way of developing self-confidence.
I can't think of a more direct way of doing this.
Kudos.

 

[Jonn]

I sometimes wonder what it would be like not to feel plagued by social deficits at all. Not envy per se, but intense curiosity. What is it like to have consistent sense of happiness, if one could truly call it that, at the expense of one's own intellect ?

Yes, it would be life changing not to have a social disability.

However, I am totally happy being a lone wolf at this stage in life.
With some good friends online, it is a very satisfying lifestyle for me.
But then, personal space is high on my needs list.

 

[Jonn]

I had hyperactivity and poor emotional regulation, liked to be seen and heard, could be sulky and attention-seeking a lot, very messy and disorganised, and was just wilful, insistent, demanding, impulsive, the list goes on.

Funny stuff inside.
Anyone who dislikes humour should not enter.

Spoiler

My K9 "Big Boy" is exactly like that.

In lots of ways I was just a normal kid. I find comfort in having "normal" described about me, even though some Aspies are like "NO YOU'RE NOT NORMAL, YOU NEVER WILL BE NO MATTER WHAT". Um, okay.

I very much prefer NOT being typical/normal.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah, i would sadly believe that being born premature as a baby, depending on how early, can definetley have an impact on ones overall well-being as a person, overall health, mentally and socially.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was born 5 days after my due date. My mum was considering on being induced, but then a loud thunderclap kick-started the labour lol.

 

[Misty Avich]

Funny stuff inside.
Anyone who dislikes humour should not enter.

Spoiler

My K9 "Big Boy" is exactly like that.

I very much prefer NOT being typical/normal.

I respect people on the spectrum who prefer to
be "atypical" compared to NTs, or who feel they are "atypical" compared to NTs, but I don't appreciate people on the spectrum lecturing to me not to think I'm normal and that everybody in the world are normal except people on the autism spectrum (not saying you said that or anything, just speaking in general).

My husband believes a "normal human" means humans who don't hurt or kill other humans or animals, or don't molest children or rape adults, and I agree with him there. The majority of humans just instinctively don't do those things. So that makes me normal in itself. But many autistics believe that normal only means being able to read body language.

 

[NB79]

Feeling bad about autism is ok, for me, sure i can pick details, and focus, i have good memory sometimes, and other good things, but its has been a plague in my life otherwise, i guess it depends how you get the 'bad trait lottery' there are people that have more healthier autism and wouldn't complain much.

 

[Misty Avich]

Feeling bad about autism is ok, for me, sure i can pick details, and focus, i have good memory sometimes, and other good things, but its has been a plague in my life otherwise, i guess it depends how you get the 'bad trait lottery' there are people with autism that have more healthier autism and wouldn't complain much.

Yes that is true. Autism affects everyone differently and I'd hate to expect everyone with autism to feel ashamed.
For me autism has been more like a mental health thing than anything else. I feel like I'm as affected by ASD as what someone with Bipolar is. People with Bipolar don't see their condition as a 'superpower', or a high IQ thing to be proud of, or something that has useful traits that people without Bipolar are 'unfortunately missing'. It's just a pain in the butt for them and affects them emotionally more than anything else. That's exactly how ASD is for me; average IQ, easily startled, scared of everything, emotional, irrational, anxious, depressed, emotionally isolated, mood swings. I'm not comparing ASD to Bipolar but I'm just saying that like I often just feel like an NT with an average IQ and mental health problems. And that's excluding the symptoms ADHD brings.

 

[jsilver256]

But many autistics believe that normal only means being able to read body language.

I wouldn't quite characterize it that way. For me, it is more about a profound lack of connection, a lack of ability to bond. I could feel that something was fundamentally missing in myself, even pre-diagnosis.

It is exhausting trying to service people for whom "normal" expressions of affection comes naturally, such as birthdays, names, faces, small talk. I think it is a broadly applicable truism that the priorities of an ASD person are simply not the same as a NT's, and these have a lot of overlap with what is "socially acceptable" behavior.

To someone who has never been successful in navigating that particular discourse, then, yes, it would be good advice to remind them that it's not their fault, they are just not operating on the same level.

From what I've seen you post, you do not struggle with this and you get along with NTs just fine, which is great.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes it is best not to define "normal" as a person missing a symptom of autism. I don't, but I have had autistic people believe this elsewhere on the internet.

My social symptoms of autism are very complex and is hard to explain. It is not a black or white thing. I can be more socially awkward in certain environments around certain people. When I'm around people I'm comfortable with I'm more or less NT socially. It's really weird.
I have shyness but at the same time I'm quite extroverted because of my natural desire for social interaction. Things like anxiety, hypersensitivity to people's emotions, and intrusive thoughts stand in my way. I tick most, if not all, the boxes of both social anxiety and general anxiety. My general anxiety set in when I was 4, and my social anxiety set in when I was 10. It's been very afflicting and often makes me feel like I am less socially able than my NT peers even though my social troubles don't seem to be typical autism social deficits.

 

[NB79]

i think 'normal' is just a way of saying things, like Neuro 'typical' i mean in typical you could say is 'normal', in the 'norm' i don't find it offensive.