Things that sabotaged me in terms of romance and more

[FilterFreq]

To be social, you have to consciously express optimism, whether it's what is inside you or not.
Otherwise people inevitably pick up on it and simply "pass" on you. It may not be "fair", but it does appear to be an aspect of human nature.

I don't think it's necessarily that so much, but if you've ever had a family member who only invites you over so they can burden you with things that are wrong in their life, it's sometimes easy to see that if the only way we relate to one another is through sadness and despair, it just doesn't feel all that great. Not to mention, trying to help someone out of it starts to feel like you're playing therapist, and it's usually a wasted effort because they need a trained one.

Maybe to speak to the original post, most people who you try to date are not going to want to be your therapist. Sure, you can share secrets and talk about the sadder parts of life with people who you trust, but if you're just meeting up for coffee and telling them how bad you have it, it might scare them off a little.

 

[Markness]

I wouldn’t bring up my depressed feelings on a coffee date. I don’t do that to strangers and people I barely know.

 

[Judge]

Sure, you can share secrets and talk about the sadder parts of life with people who you trust, but if you're just meeting up for coffee and telling them how bad you have it, it might scare them off a little.

Precisely. To infodump on a new acquaintance and tell them your life story is an easy way to turn them off. A simple case of too much, too soon.

Worse if it involves groups of people who know each other, leaving you as the lone outsider where human pack mentality may pop up and spoil things. The sort of thing that a person may never hear about and not have a clue that it even happened.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Precisely. To infodump on a new acquaintance and tell them your life story is an easy way to turn them off. A simple case of too much, too soon.

Worse if it involves groups of people who know each other, leaving you as the lone outsider where human pack mentality may pop up and spoil things. The sort of thing that a person may never hear about and not have a clue that it even happened.

That's my problem and it's such second nature now I can't help it anymore.

 

[Judge]

That's my problem and it's such second nature now I can't help it anymore.

At least you understand it is your problem. Something to focus on instead of going around in circles. To work on learning and holding positive conversations.

I know...I've had to do the same many times in my life having chronic clinical depression. It's not easy. That much is true as well. But it's the only way to nurture a friendship and not take more than you need to give.

For better or worse in my own case, I never discuss things like depression or my OCD with much of anyone outside the medical community. Too much potential for social stigma. it's sad that people are so prone to such behavior, but it's just a social reality.

"Stigma, originally referring to the visible marking of people considered inferior, has evolved in modern society into a social concept that applies to different groups or individuals based on certain characteristics such as culture, gender, race, religion or health status. Social stigma can take different forms and depends on the specific time and place in which it arises."

 

[DrBadStrings]

1. My older brother constantly had the social spotlight and I was often in his shadow. We were regularly compared but he was generally favored because he fit the expectations of what young males in Texas often got. Myself? Being shy, introverted, and having my own interests did not go well for me.

2. The few male friends I had either didn’t have sisters or female cousins, their sisters/female cousins were much older than I was, or I never really got to interact with them on my own. Most of the people my parents associated with also usually only had sons and no nieces. Even my therapist has told me she was disappointed she didn’t have a niece to introduce me to.

3. My parents were, and still are, control freaks. They both regretted having children and actually discouraged both my siblings and I from ever having families of our own. But they especially stressed this outlook onto me.

4. I struggled socially in the schools I was made to go to and both schools were limited in terms of demographics. I am also an outsider in the culture I live in.

5. I’ve actually lost female friends when they got boyfriends. Their boyfriends would disallow them to have male friends and they would for some reason go along with that demand.

1. You are not your brother. You are you, using your brother or anyone else as the measure of your own worth is never going to work. Same with listening to others make the same comparisons.

2. Your male friends are not there to provide you with relatives to date. If that's why you have male friends rethink your friendships.

3. Your parents personal baggage on the children issue is not yours. There desire to not have children and to not want you or your siblings to have children is irrelevant. The decision and choice either ways is yours and yours alone.

4. Schools suck but schools are temporary. Much more to life than the school systems, and a much better life outside and away from the confines of what is essential a machine to produce average neurotypicals.

5. Any female that is going to ditch their male friends because they've stared dating a posessive Man was never your real friend to begin with. Real friends don't abandon people when they date someone, they may obviously have less time, but they never abandon.

From your post you seem to put to much stock in the opinions of others and don't seem to have much faith in yourself. It is your life dude. Not your parents, not your friends, not your therapists. Until you can figure out a way to be happy and content with yourself, you and Tony, and negative folks like yourselves, will never ever, ever, find a successful meaningful relationship. Because nobody wants to be with a negative person that doesn't like themselves and projects that to the world. That bears repeating, Because nobody wants to be with a negative person that doesn't like themselves and projects that to the world.

The only sabotage happening here is self sabotage.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Nobody sabotaged you. You sabotage yourself with that thinking. The only thing keeping you from finding romance is your negativity. Nobody wants to be with a negative person that doubts themselves.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I may sound harsh from time to time in my advice but its more a matter of simply being blunt. I have been there in the depths of negativity, and alcoholism to go along with it. I found a way out of both. I've seen many many others do the same. I know you can to.

Positive psychology is an area you should look into. It's about improving overall mental health not just trying to bring folks to the average baseline of what is considered stable. Things like mindfulness meditation, writing down a few daily gratitudes, exercising, acts of kindness etc. All things that will improve your overall mental health and should also hopefully help you feel more positive about your outlook towards yourself and the world.

The only real caveat to the techniques that come from positive psychology is that they take time to start working. Meditation for me took months before I started noticing improvements. I was/am more aware of the things that used to bother me, I've realized that all the things that are literally out of my control, in particular others opinions, were something that I had to actively stop thinking about. If it's out of my control then there is no point in focusing on the negative.

 

[AspieChris]

There’s an old story I remember from 40 years ago. Some sort of proverb or something.

A man finds himself sitting at the bar. The bartender keeps filling his glass with his favorite cocktail, for free. There’s a beautiful blonde woman sitting next to him. And his favorite song is always playing on the jukebox. He feels like he’s in heaven.

The next night, same exact thing. Same drinks. Same woman. Same song.

After a few nights of the same thing over and over, he asks the bartender “What’s up with this? Can we try some different music? Maybe a different drink? And is this the only woman who ever comes into this bar?”

The bartender replies….. “Nothing here ever changes. You’re in hell”

—————————

Time to makes some changes or life starts feeling like hell.

 

[Kayla55]

That's BS again this is social events like churches, park social, coffee shop socials and community events so I don't buy it. Again social events where you suppose to socialize and meet new people, again only couples and married women befriend me. This may not be @Markness journey sorry for derailing but this is mine with what i go through so he might eventually go through this similar in Texas but this is definitely a New York City thing.

Re: thread on insanity and doing same thing, expecting different results. Good part is you getting out, this is huge step. Maybe it's your approach

 

[Cryptid]

Nobody sabotaged you. You sabotage yourself with that thinking. The only thing keeping you from finding romance is your negativity. Nobody wants to be with a negative person that doubts themselves.

This ↑. I cannot disagree with your assessment.

In my experience, both negativity and desperation will drive people away.

 

[Markness]

Aside from moving on from my past, I wish I knew what to do for the present so I will finally meet that elusive partner.

 

[Cryptid]

You have received a lot of advice on this matter. Have you read any of it?

 

[Uri]

I think it's not just you.

Women's standards have become so high so that they only seek the most attractive and the most rich men.

And the bad thing about all this is that there is no nothing low status men can do about it at all.

If my life continues to be this bad and depressing even after I become 40 years old I'm seriously considering killing myself.

There is no reason for me to live like this because at this moment I'm not enoying life at all and I don't see a future for me and I'm only suffering big time.

 

[Rodafina]

Women's standards have become so high so that they only seek the most attractive and the most rich men.

And the bad thing about all this is that there is no nothing low status men can do about it at all.

I wonder if depression is clouding how you think about this and you are telling yourself stories about being "low status" and not worthy of the affection of women.

Thinking that all women want good looks and money reduces us to a superficial monolith. I would encourage you to remember that we are each different and will want different things. Not all women have these standards that you have described.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Not to rock your boat @Markness but it's funny that your from Texas that I meet many women who moved from there to NYC and they are so kind and are the ones who actually talk to me. One is a new friend just helped me through an emotional time.

 

[Markness]

My mother thinks I am trying to attract women who only care about looks and money when I am not. She actually dismisses women who are attracted to men who break the norm and I tend to think she’s sabotaged many social opportunities for me.

Her “advice” to me has never helped me and she’s even admitted she’s bad at maintaining lasting relationships because she’s on her fourth marriage.

 

[Cryptid]

I think it's not just you.

Women's standards have become so high so that they only seek the most attractive and the most rich men.

And the bad thing about all this is that there is no nothing low status men can do about it at all. . .

[sarcasm]Oh yes! Let us blame all women everywhere for one man's problems! That'll solve everything![/sarcasm]

One of the things that keeps some men from developing a romantic relationship is that the men themselves have such high standards that none of the women around them will do.

For instance, some men will have nothing to do with religious women, and if they live in the deepest part of the American Bible Belt, they are unlikely to ever have a romantic relationship.

Other men might turn away from women whose physiques do not fit an unsustainable ideal, or whose ancestry differs from their own. Other men may figuratively run away from single moms. Still others will have nothing to do with women who have anything more than a high-school education. I could go on.

The point is that men are just as likely to have "high standards" as women. The thing for men to do is NOT to cry and whine about it, but to improve themselves enough that even those women with the highest standards will be attracted.

To attract women, a man must first make himself attractive to those women.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Other men might turn away from women whose physiques do not fit an unsustainable ideal, or whose ancestry differs from their own. Other men may figuratively run away from single moms. Still others will have nothing to do with women who have anything more than a high-school education. I could go on.

Stupid men. I would accept any one of these women.

 

[Markness]

My older brother makes me look non-picky. He only dated women who were White/Anglo-American and dismissed women from other racial groups. He also considered women who were bookish and had political opinions that differed from his to be “nerds” and “stuck up.”

I think my largest issues are being socially isolated and not around a diverse social scene. I do better socially at an alternative music show in Austin instead of a local church.

How the experience differs:
A lady attending the same music show will usually be enthusiastic to discuss the band in question.

At a local church, I might get asked what music I like and I mention liking rock music, the person asking will slag it as “crap” before dismissing me as a person next.